Wow.... I read the verses above today, and they really spoke to me. My mind went back to nine years ago when I started out on this God journey. Oh, yes, I knew about God before and considered myself a Christian because I believed in Him, but I didn't KNOW God. I didn't know that He was very real, up close and oh so VERY present in my every day, every minute life.
When I started out on this journey and began to become aware of His presence , I expected myself to immediately get it all right. After all, that is what I was hearing from the pulpit of any pastor I listened to. And I listened to A LOT of them on TV as well as online and in church. Maybe that isn't what they meant, but that is what I heard. I heard so much "don't do this" and "this is what a Christian looks like".
All of that talk definitely put the fear of God in me, but it also GREATLY hindered my walk with Him, as it became performance based. I came to believe I was only acceptable in God's eyes if I performed well enough. Wayne Jacobsen describes performance based religion as "do good, get good, do bad, get bad." I started to believe that way and my whole life became one big tight rope walking, doubt fest.
I doubted that I was good enough, acceptable enough, pretty enough, lovable enough.... and it allowed shame to point it's oh so very accusatory finger smack dab in my face.... or more accurately, to shoot it's flaming arrows straight into my heart. I wasn't good enough to maintain healthy relationships, now I wasn't even good enough for God to love me.... That became my way of thinking. Oh that "stinkin' thinkin".
1 John 4:18 tells us that "Perfect love casts out fear." I love how the Message version says it in verses 17-18 "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.
The journey out of the pit of terror and into the tunnel of love (ugh... that's even too cheesy for ME to say! has been so so SO difficult but so worth it. As I look back, I can see the truth... the truth that shows me that HE did this, not me. Yes, I had to allow Him in.
I had to force myself to step outside of the box that religiosity had me trapped in, trembling, yes, clinging onto God's hand, yes, but step out side of that box of terror, religious obligation and self hatred and allow myself to trust Him to catch me if I fell. And He has caught me.. many...no, every time. Maybe not in the way I would envision it, but He was, is, ALWAYS there loving me, rooting for me, even when it feels like He's not.
I still have so far to go, a lifetime to go, and I'll never know the whole of it until I am in heaven. However, that is exactly why it is vitally important that I come to enjoy this journey that I am on and quit focusing on the destination, on the end product of what, of who, I feel I should be.
It's Him... it's all God that is changing me and smoothing out the rough edges. The biggest part of my struggle has been letting go of feeling like it's up to me to become this mature Christian that "get's it". I have, after many HORRIBLE... thrashing about... trying to fix myself.... make myself more acceptable to God.... struggles..... come to the point of giving up in many areas; Of saying "Ok, God... I know that this behavior or these thoughts are not your best for me but you're going to have to fix it; I can't and I'm tired of feeling guilty and ashamed. I'll do what I can but your word says that you are strong when I am weak so it's time to put the pedal to the metal and show me the truth in that verse, in your word. I'm tired of struggling with it - here ya go..... (Sheila quietly whispers "easier said than done, I know...")
Well, this entry was supposed to talk about how I am beginning to relax enough (just a TEENSY bit) with God to allow Him to come alongside me so that I can join Him in His journey to share the truth of His love. And how it was all Him.... HE equipped me, one of the least qualified, in maybe helping to share the message of Him with others. BUT.... that will have to wait for another time....
Don't forget to look up and around you as you are on this journey called life. Yes, the road may often be rocky, but look at the beauty, maturity, growth and change that those very rocks can add to your life, and oh so many other lives. Quit resisting the journey and ask God to give you direction, to guide your steps, to give you wings to fly....
*I made reference to Wayne Jacobsen Lifestream Ministries http://www.lifestream.org/ Go check him out! I LOVE his books, blog, engage series, and especially his podcasts.
