Whew.... I'm not sure where to start.... It's 2:11 a.m. and I woke up a while ago with my mind literally racing, so uncomfortable that I felt trapped and exhausted by it. Thoughts about the Freeing Me class yesterday and about the church dinner last night were screaming through my head like an out of control locomotive.
My spirit, my inner me, felt parched and scorched. My thoughts jumped from puddles to pools of condemnation: condemning thoughts came careening in from several areas of my life. I wanted to scream out loud to my mind "SHUT UP ALREADY!"
As I lay there, thoughts started to unfold. In thinking about what it mean to be caught up in my own head, I realized that once again that may mean that I am "doing instead of being." I am still trying to evaluate, trying to figure out, how I should act in situations.
If I relax and do what comes naturally, or even if I feel uncomfortable in a situation and scramble for ways to make things more comfortable, isn't that just authentically where I am at this moment, in this walk toward being an authentic person? I second guess myself no matter what I do. Why?! I need to be ok with "It's just true that this is what came out of you at that moment."
Maybe that is what authenticity is. It's about being honest with yourself, and more importantly being OK with yourself, right where you're at. It's not necessarily spilling out all the details of where you are at, but that you are so ok with it that you are willing to spill the deets if God prompts you to
Being ok with yourself does not necessarily mean confessing all... maybe it just means being so comfortable with who you are right now...right at this moment... that you do not feel shame and remorse because you "haven't made it yet."
I want to walk in truth. I didn't say perfection.... I said truth. If I am able to be honest with who I am and where I am at right at this moment, isn't that walking in truth?
How much deeper the sense of freedom is when it is in someone like you, like me, who truly tries to make the right choices... who truly tries to keep our focus on God and allowing Him to change us....
If we can just give ourselves a little credit by acknowledging that we WANT to do the right thing, can't we just allow ourselves the grace, self love, and time to grow into maturity? Can't we just be content with knowing that it's ok to be right where we are right now because we, like God, are not content to leave ourselves there.
I tell God "If you don't change me it's not gonna happen." But then I still beat myself up continually because I am not able to change me. I have to stop it! Authenticity and truth are a process! I have to allow myself to be who I am right now and not try to force myself into being who I "should" be. Maybe I will be that person someday, but I have to enjoy where I am at in growth process right at this minute.
It is amazing how that inner maelstrom is now quiet and deeply peaceful as I've worked through my thoughts. It's in moments like these that I feel like I have wrestled with God like Jacob, and like Jacob, I hold on to Him until He blesses me with insight and peace. At this moment I feel greatly blessed:
Genesis 32:24-26 "24 So Jacob was left alone. Then a man wrestled with him until dawn. 25 When the man saw that he could not win against Jacob, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that it was dislocated as they wrestled. 26 Then the man said, “Let me go; it’s almost dawn.”But Jacob answered, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”
OK... right now the real me needs a piece of left over cake and a Pepsi so off to the kitchen I go, then back to bed. Ta Ta y'all!
