One in particular has been running thru my mind over and over the past few days...
Two days ago, a Sunday, I led the service at my church. This was a huge step for me but something in me desired to do it as soon as I was asked. The plan was to tell my testimony and allow a few other women from the local women's shelter to tell theirs.
As the week went on, I prayed over what to say and would jot down things that came to me. Amazingly, me... nervous nelly... was able to make it thru the week with very little apprehension. Each time I felt fear and doubt begin to wiggle their wormy little hands into my spirit, I would just turn to my Abba Father and ask for His help. Often I just repeated the mantra of "Jesus...Jesus...Jesus..." over and over. I would feel peace begin to flow in.
Anyway, back to my point!
During my time in front of the congregation, one thing that came out was the topic of shame and fear. About how they were two of the biggest things that caused people to flounder.
I told them what I had discovered. That it seemed like only when I reached the point of just admitting defeat... defeat in trying to stop taking part in something I felt was sinful or hurtful... that I began to gradually see true change come.
When I thought back on those words I began to feel like I explained things inadequately. It's not just "simple". I hope I did not confuse anyone. It's done now, but how could I explain it better in the future? These thoughts began running thru my head over and over....
This morning I ran across an entry on a blog I like, and it had to do with this very thing. Here, maybe I can let you follow my train of thought so you get a better understanding also:
Several months ago I finally admitted to myself and God that I was skirting danger in a "friendship" I had. I knew that I was head over heels for this guy, even though he had a girlfriend. He was very committed to her. I thought it was ok to just enjoy the friendship and since I was not crossing any lines, I was good to go.
But... If it was ok, why was I in such turmoil almost constantly....?
I tried to fix it myself. I tried to control my thoughts.... I tried to discontinue the friendship only to be pulled back in again and again... I tried, I tried, I tried....
Finally one night, I gave up in exhaustion. I turned to God and, thumbing my nose at fear and shame, I just honestly admitted "I know this is wrong, but I don't want to give it up." I felt a peace come over me and I swear I felt in my spirit that God was telling me "I got this..." Instead of feeling alone and separated from Him, I felt closer.
As time went by, I felt more and more of a desire to pull away from the situation. For one, I just didn't want to hurt anymore. For another, how fair was this to his girlfriend? Most of all, I hated the secrecy. I hated pretending that I just felt friendship.
Was it easy? No. Was it painless? No. But as time went by, after my admission to God, I just felt a knowing that I had to be honest. I was so conflicted because I thought it was wrong to tell him of my feelings, but I wanted him to understand why I had to stop hanging out with him. But, thru prayer and angst I reached a point where my desire for peace, my desire to do the right thing, overcame my desire for him.
It wasn't easy. He resisted by pulling away from the friendship even after my admission. However, just getting things out in the open was such a big relief that I was able to remain firm on maintaining my distance.
Here are some quotes from a blog I read today that spells out things a little more clearly for me:
"We do not want to reject Jesus’ work at the cross by trying and laboring to stop sinning. As Paul said, we are not disobeying God, we are rejecting Him and His power. This does not please God nor bring Him glory."
"It pleases God when we receive this power and reject the notion that we have to try and obey God with our willpower. That is displeasing to God. What pleases Him is when we need him, when we ask God for help."
To me that confirms what I have discovered. It says, Just be honest with God, even about not wanting to give up the things that you know are not of him. Surrender your need to do it yourself and admit to Him that you can't do it. That without Him, the situation will never change. You can't fix yourself, only He can. And more to the point, it's only in coming to understand... to believe... to have faith in His firmly fixed foundation of LOVE, that you can more truly experience that healing from sin, hurtful desires, etc.
It's so simple that it is complex. Simply believe in His love for you... That He loves you right where you are at, no matter what you are in. It is simply believing in His love that allows power to flow thru you. However, it is getting to that point of simply believing in His love that has been complex. It has been a long, slow, painful journey because you see.... simply believing I am loved has not been so simple for me.
My goal is to get to the point where God's love, grace and healing are my focus. Not focusing on being better, being sinless, being good, but focusing on His love. It's focusing on discovering His love for me that will change my world.... THE world....
