Our class mentor, Dan, shared a concept with us called "The Spoiled Child Syndrome" that we adults seem to have. It's a sense that we deserve something.
We work hard so don't we deserve this promotion..... that house.... this husband.... that recognition... that compliment... that bag of chocolates.... Mmm-mmm-mmmm.... girl.... I see that in myself.....
Oh I can cover it up pretty durn good with a great "martyr" act. In other words, I get on my high horse and take the lofty road of long suffering piety. After all, don't I choose to do the right thing? .... on the outside anyway. In fact, I can be so good at playing the martyr that I even fool myself.
Yes, I sincerely try to make right choices, all the while ignoring that inner adolescent that is screaming "I WANT IT NOW!" (as if ignoring her will make her go away. Not!)
Now, I know this is a common human tendency. However, if I want to become someone who is transparent.... who is congruent..... the same on the inside as I am on the outside, then I might want to take a little time to acknowledge there is a bit of an issue here.
I'm not going to beat myself up, yet I do feel that sharp sting of remorse when I discover I have been marching along with that repulsive attitude. That I have been grandly and graciously tipping my head at the little people who are not as perfected as me in martyrdom.... Those self indulgent, clueless hacks in my world that are unskilled in laboring so mightily at properly serving ME... the bravely suffering saint....
Alas, they fail me so greatly.... sigh... oh woe is me..... But I must continue to valiantly forge ahead, being the faithful heroine of my own story.... since no one else is going to do it!..... (Sheila mournfully moans as she throws herself back to languish on her plump pillows of self pity, eyes closed, one hand theatrically thrown up to her perspiring brow.....) Hahaha! Sorry.... I DO have the tendency to be a teensy melodramatic!
I looked in the mirror recently and saw the face of Miss Molly Martyr looking back at me. It took the wind out of my sails.... it felt like I was punched in the gut because I had been living like this for years, in a certain situation.... it was ugly.....
Internally it was like I suddenly went rigid with shock and disbelief when faced with that ugly little Veruka in me. WHA..! HOW...! WHO....! I never saw her hiding in there, creeping around in my heart like this tiny little termite eroding the very foundation of truth, transparency and honesty that I was attempting to build in myself.
To be honest, I didn't know what to do. It was like everything in me went limp in defeat and I simply...did... not.... know.... what.... to.... do. I hadn't even sensed that nasty little critter was scurrying around so how was I going to repair the damage that had been unknowingly done?
For me personally, I did the only thing I knew to do. I went to prayer and quietly whispered "Help. I don't know where to go from here...."
There was no trying to figure it out. That causes too much confusion and I was already confused enough. I just simply needed to sit and be... Be remorseful..... be lost.... be still..... After a while a peace came in and I knew that I could move forward, grateful that my inner Veruka and my outer Mother Theresa could finally meet and be honest with each other.
A few days later Dr. Dan mentioned The Spoiled Child Syndrome and I identified with it perfectly. I was then able to catch a glimpse of why I had been one person on the inside and another on the out. I was trying to do the right things... at least I WANTED to do the right things..... so didn't I deserve my treat! I WANT IT NOW!
It was a moment of freedom for me. It helped me to identify just how little Veruka found a home embedded in my spirit. For me, I did feel like I worked hard to make the right choices in life, so didn't I deserve to have my desired treat, even if it wasn't good for me...? Or maybe not the right time for me to have it.....?
Do you ever feel you have a little Veruka running around in you? On the outside you are acting one way, while on the inside total anarchy is going on?
I feel a great peace in at last identifying that obnoxious spoiled little whippersnapper in myself. I don't feel the need to paddle her because she honestly did not recognize the misbehavior in herself, and she was sincerely sorry once she did.
I'm not sure how this will play out but I will tell you that once I recognized the tendency to play "martyr", it was like a healing began. There is a peace and understanding toward myself and others that wasn't there before.
When you can recognize and acknowledge a pattern of wrong thinking, it seems to lose it's power over you. Yes, it takes awhile to mop up the residue it leaves behind, but now there is often a feeling of tranquility as you serenely begin to unwind the snarls of self deception.
What is happening is your character is changing. YOU are changing from the inside out instead of from the outside in. It's a common misconception so many of us have. We focus on making the outside look proper, when really we should be focusing on our inner selves.... our internal thoughts.... our motives.
As you do this, please.... PLEASE.... be kind to yourself. Love yourself. You are unique! You are wonderful! You are amazing! Celebrate that you have matured enough to recognize Miss Veruka Salt in you, so now you can take her by the hand and love her to wholeness.... I said LOVE her, not beat her about the head and shoulders!
All of us can fall into the martyr trap, and probably will, on more than one occasion in our lives. Just recognize it, forgive yourself, and love yourself through it. You're learning... Life is a journey, some times great, sometimes not so great. Embrace it! It's what makes you, YOU!
