I Will Love You for You....     

  

              I will love you for you.... Not for what you have done or what you'll become....

This morning I went to yesterday's blog entry, felt it was incomplete, so started adding to it.  However, this afternoon on Facebook a friend posted this video and I realized that it fit perfectly with what I had started to write this morning.  I hope it speaks to your heart like it has mine.

My heart aches for women, for everyone really, that just wants to be unconditionally loved just for who we are, right now, this moment, horrible past and all.  It gets so exhausting feeling like we never measure up.  We often feel drained by what life brings us.  

As women, our heart cries to be loved just the way we are.  Most of us feel not enough, too much, too fat, too skinny, to tall, too short, too loud, not loud enough, too friendly, too shy, too dumb, too smart.... you get the picture.  Lean close now.... there is something that I want to tell you.....

You are beautiful just the way you are....  God loves YOU just as much today as He ever will.  Your looks, your personality, your actions do not increase or lessen His love for you.   This is one of the hardest things to believe because God's love is not typically the focus in most churches.  The church tends to direct us to look at our faults, at our failings and how God commands us to change, to be this, to be that.  Sadly, often we don't find the real God in church.  We find human intepretations of God and of human expectations that we are to meet for God.

We MUST learn to be careful not to compare God's love to human love.  Human love comes and goes but God's love never changes.  He IS love. His word is full of what alot of christians see as commands.  However, as you start to know and abide in His love, I believe you will come to see these as tender promises, as wonderful gifts that HE will bring to life in us.  We can't do it no matter how hard we try.

Most of us, once we do start to believe that God loves us just the way we are, still cannot seem to find comfort in that.  I have told God, like many of us has told a parent who loves us unconditionally, "You HAVE to love me... You're my Father, my Creator, my God."  It has only been since beginning to get a revelation that HIS opinion is the only one that matters, that I start to take comfort and delight in that thought.  We humans are so fickle and judgmental in our opinions that we will drive each other crazy trying to meet all the expectations others have of us!

I used to rebel inwardly toward God because my understanding of Him, from religious teachings, was that His goal, His demand was, "CHANGE OR ELSE!!"  That translated to me as "you are not good enough as you are.  You are junk not worth my time until you change." 

That is SO not true!  He is fiercely in love with me just as I am, in all my imperfections.  He truly does want me to come "just as I am".  It is the church who says that, but immediately points out that NOW you need to change.  Right now!  No, not all churches do that.  Maybe they don't even notice that is what comes across.  I just wish they would welcome new Christians like they do a new baby.  Give them time to grow in God's love.

That being said,  I have come to believe the saying that "He loves you too much to leave you where you are."  That too can be taken as I'm not good enough.  Also not true.  I don't believe it is a commandment.  I believe it is a delightful, glee filled promise.  "Taste and see that the Lord is good..." Psalm 34:8  I picture God's face glowing here with excitement and encouragement!

I have started to "taste God and see that He is good".  When I started relaxing into his love, into believing that I didn't have to earn His love, then I started seeing Him as someone that I was excited to come along side and join in what adventures He wanted to take me one.  I began to see that it is not so much Him changing me but as Him "freeing me". 

As bad habits like anger, judgmentalness, expectations of how others should be or act, selfishness, gossip, gluttony (still have this one BIG time! LOL!), covetnous, etc. start to lessen in me, I experience a freedom that is exhilerating!

The biggest area of freedom I am experiencing is,  as I start to love myself, accept myself in all of my imperfections, then I begin to love others in a more real, God like way.  For some reason, loving myself connects with....enables me to.... love others more perfectly.

As I begin to focus on the person  God's word says He created me to be when He breathed His spirit into me - loving, kind, generous, forgiving, hopeful, joyful, etc.- and began to focus less on who I SEEM to be right at this moment, then change starts to happen. 

When I quit focusing on how I still have angry blow ups, how I still have nasty thoughts of others, how I still gossip, how I still hog that bag of chocolates to myself and don't share with others, I start to feel less guilt and shame.

Those two emotions are what holds us back from freedom.  They are a prison.  They cause us to focus so much on the muck and mess our humanness brings into our lives, that we are unable to focus on the true us that is our spirit.  When we change our focus and zero in on the person that God says we are in Him, then the guilt and shame loses it's grip and we start to grow.

When we do find ourselves messing up, whether it is by acting out in wrong behavior or by wallowing in guilt in shame, it's best to apologize if needed, and to move on.  Also, instead of trying to ignore things or beat ourselves up over them, it helps to just find a quiet place to let all of these thoughts flow thru. 

I am someone who would "chew" on the thoughts, wrestling to try to figure out things.  Now, after practicing this method, I allow myself to think the thoughts and then I ask "Why am I feeling this way?  Why am I thinking this way? Why did I react this way?

I try to not allow myself to wrestle and over analyze, but I allow one thought to follow another.  It's best if I can talk out loud to myself or to journal the thoughts as they come.  When I do this, often I will recognize some hidden bias or judgmental thought in me toward myself or others.  Often I will recognize something that triggers certain reactions or thoughts. 

I may even recognize a hidden hurt or insecurity that can trigger a reaction from me.  When hidden things are uncovered in me, it lets the light in and can often free me from the hold something has had on me.  You've heard the verse "the truth will set you free."  I'm here to tell you that it does!

Even if you do not uncover a reason as to why you are feeling the way you are, why you reacted the way you did, often just letting the thoughts flow out of you relieves a pressure and brings peace.  The key here is to let thoughts flow as you think them.  Don't grab onto the thoughts and try to squeeze an answer out.  If one comes, great....  If it doesn't, that's ok too. 

For me, when I start to feel tense in my brain (sound's funny doesn't it!) or anxious, the I physically force myself to relax and go on to something else if I have to.  I make it a habit to try to recognize when I have shifted from letting thoughts flow thru vs. grabbing on to them and letting them make me anxious.

In everything I talk about on this blog, I want you to remember that they are not to be used as  formulas... as rules or principles.  When you feel you MUST do something in order to achieve a result, you put a pressure on yourself that may hinder you.   If you can relax and recognize that I am sharing my experiences with you... that I am sharing teachings that worked for me with you..... then you can relax. 

Imagine us as friends, sitting over cups of coffee and sharing our lives together.  Yes, I would love to hear from you, too!  My hope is that this does not remain just a one sided conversation.  We can learn from each other.  That's what makes this journey so freeing and so exciting!  Not one of us has it all together.  Not one of us doesn't have something to share.  I am not a leader, I am a... a.... a share-er.  (Is that a word?  It is now!)

TaTa for now!  I am going to close with this quote that I just love, and so fits who I am:

 "I'm not about leading. But I AM about instigating. I'd rather we walk alongside each other in this life, than one in front of the other. But, if I see that you need a push, I'll get behind you... and I hope you'll do the same for me." Jamie Wright

We All Fall Down...

I feel the need to assure you that it is very normal for you to make mistakes.... to fail.   I use the word fail loosely because I believe it is US who see's things as failures.  God says He can use ALL things for the good of those who love Him.

 He see's your heart and He see's that strong desire to do what is right.  He KNOWS how early you are in your walk with Him.  Maybe you have even been a Christian for many years but still don't "hear" God.  Now is a good time to start!

How I started to feel more comfortable following up on what I believe is God's "voice" is by being willing to fail.  Believe me, that was NOT easy for me!  I was so afraid of making a mistake and ruining EVERYTHING that I always questioned and refused to take a chance that it was God prompting me.

I heard a few people say that you come to recognize God's leading by obeying "nudges" that you feel.  As you step out and follow these nudges, you will become more able to identify what is most likely from God.  You will make many mistakes so just accept that fact now and understand that He is up there cheering you on for your courage and determination to come to know Him better.  Now, courage does not mean lack of fear, it means doing something in spite of the fear.

In learning to "hear" from God, reading the bible is a big help here.  As you read, ask HIM to reveal to you what He wants you to learn.  20,000 people can explain one passage to you and each may have a different understanding.  If you are like I was, you don't want to make a mistake in your understanding of His word so you WANT other people to give you the definite answers. 

This was a big place where I had to step out and start responding to what I felt was nudges from God.  I had to learn to trust that He IS speaking directly to me thru His word, even if my understanding differed from all others around me.  That doesn't mean that I discounted their opinions but it did mean that I went to Him in prayer and asked Him to speak to my heart.  If I continued to feel strongly that my understanding was from Him, I went in that direction.

Also, starting to gain knowledge from the bible will help you to identify what nudges may or may not be from God.  If you have a nudge to slap someone up side the head, you should be able to know that this is NOT from God! Haha! If you have a nudge to steal something, again you'll know that this does not line up with God's character.

And now we've come full circle... back to what I've talked about in other posts.  Your relationship with Him is key.  It is only by having that as a foundation, by asking Him to reveal Himself to you, that you can have an understanding as to His nature.  You can read the bible all you want but unless you read it with a heart that is asking Him to reveal who He is, you will just end up with a head full of knowledge but a heart that is empty of His compassion, His joy, His truth.

My hope is that you feel encouraged by my telling you to relax.  This all takes alot of time.  Some may get it quicker than others but in my life "slow and steady wins the race."  I tried to rush to catch up with all the more mature christian sisters in ministry that I knew, and I crashed and burned.

I did a 21 day fast 4 (?) years ago where I ate only peanut butter and drank orange juice.  Now, I don't recommend this.  There are healthier ways to do this.  I ended up with horrendous pain from orange juice acid not properly digesting!  Yikes!  Anyway, I DID get what I truly believe was insight from God.

I remember praying once during this time and crying out "God, I feel like I'm missing something!"  It was like plain as day the thought came thru my head "You are... You are so busy trying to keep up with the big dogs that you are missing things I'm trying to show you..."  Now, I know the words "big dogs" don't sound like God but sometimes I believe He says things in a way that will make the biggest impact on our own unique understanding.

The understanding that rose up in me when I heard this thought was that I am trying so hard to be "mature" that I was missing the necessary growth process.  I will tell you that I did feel like a preschooler taking advanced college classes.  I was so out of my league!

I'm going to tell you something you may have heard before but didn't really heed.  Quit resisting where you are right now in your growth process.  Sometimes I think God deliberately slows us down for what ever reason He may think is necessary.  Don't beat yourself up for not "getting it."  It will come.  Maybe not as fast as you would like but just relax, enjoy it....

Quit looking for "right" or "wrong" answers from God.  Just ask Him to enable you to sense His leading.  It's not about right or wrong.  It's about following Him.  It's about relationship with Him.  Stop doing things just because you "should".  Now, we all have responsibilities that have to be done: our jobs, taking care of family, etc.  But tithing just because you "should", volunteering just because you "should", going to church just because you "should", etc.  are keeping you from walking in freedom.

What I am saying is not a ticket to a free ride.  I am not saying just stop and focus on you.  What I AM saying is, if you have a heart for God then when you stop all the "shoulding" and start to trust that God loves you right where you are, without you "earning" anything from Him, then you will start to relax.  You will start to be able to identify what God is prompting you to do over what is often empty activities that He has never asked you to do.

It took me a good two or three years of stopping most activities before I was relaxed enough to start to hear Him over my inner guilt to "do" , or over others expectations of what I should do.  I just spent that time focusing on learning about His love.  I hungrily devoured books that were focused on relationship with Him, on His love for me.  I listened to Wayne Jacobsen's Lifejourney Podcasts often.  I spent time singing praise songs and talking to Him about all the junk that was inside me.  I learned to quit pretending with myself and with Him.

As Christians we can become good at pushing down what is unpleasant truths about ourselves.  We expect ourselves to ACT and THINK like a Christian so what doesn't line up with that get's swept under a mask we hold carefully in place.  However, inside we become a mess.  We can start to feel like our life is a lie.  Or worse, we deceive ourselves so completely, convinced because we are living such a disciplined life, that we start to become VERY judgmental of others who are not. 

In a nutshell, when the inner most depths of us do not match up with the outside, we are not congruent.  In other words, we are not the same on the inside as we portray on the outside.

The outside of us should be a reflection of the inner us.  When it is not, we are not at peace.  I have found, for me, focusing on letting Him love me to wholeness has brought so much more growth, honesty, and unselfishness to my life than all the other religious activities I got into just because I should.