I was one who lumped a lot of values together so I managed to have 20 up there when others had just five or ten... Hey! Don't judge me! So I over think! Haha!
One of the value areas I lumped together was honesty/authenticity/integrity/respect. Dr. Dan tried to figure out exactly what this meant for me. I explained that I wanted that from others... If someone asked me to hang out with them, I have this deep need to know that they mean it.... that they enjoy my company... that they are not just "being nice." It's a sign of respect for me if they are genuine and authentic. We also talked about how I kind of freak if I say something then later realize I lied without thinking.
Dan said that this area would be a stumbling block for me in my progression toward the vision of what God wants me to do. He thinks I will shy away from things that won't give me those values... that I won't be content with what is true "at the moment."
As I think about it, me feeling like others will not see me as an asset or as someone they enjoy being with does make me shy away. This year I decided to muster up the courage to go to the monthly parent Band Boosters meeting. I felt so ignored and not needed. In my mind I told myself that this was my own stinkin' thinkin' but it has made me skittish about going. So I can see what Dr. Dan may be alluding to.
As I lay there this morning thinking about the class discussion yesterday, and my values, I realized that I wanted those things from others, yes, but the hugest thing I wanted was to be able to GIVE those things to others and I never feel that I am good enough at it.
A memory floated thru my mind of talking with a male friend about marriage. He explained how hard it was to trust a woman because of what had been done to him before. I thought about it because I had been thru that also. But what came out of my mouth was "I have dealt with that fear. My biggest fear is that I will not be able to love a husband in the way that he should be loved."
This morning I realized that, tho my trust of myself is growing, there is still a part of me that finds ME the most difficult person to trust. And until I CAN trust myself, I do not feel that I will fully be able to trust others. What it would it look like to trust myself.... to trust others.... Here is yet another avenue of life where my imagination needs to come into play. What would it look like.....
I look at myself as the biggest stumbling block in relationships. I look at myself as the one who will make or break a relationship. I look at myself as the one who may not have it in her.... That is a scary thought. What if I am not "good" enough...?
As I'm writing I am remembering a memory from my religious past. The pastor of a legalistic marriage ministry that I was a part of said that she would never remarry another man because it would be adultery. She also refused to remarry her husband because she was not a good wife. Now, this woman EXCELLED at being a wife and mother by most standards.
It hit me last week that this bit of narley info had it's talons gripped into my brain without my even realizing it. If SHE could never be a good enough wife to remarry again, how would I ever be??! It's all about learning to trust myself in every area. Well, not necessarily myself but the Holy Spirit in me.... in trusting the grace that is available to me.
In my marriage, my ex husband says that he did not have any problems except that I kept myself emotionally and physically distant. It now hits me that I have been focusing on the fact that I was a nagging wife that put a distance between us... Really, it was that he could not get that emotional and physical connection with me that a husband needs. As Dr. Dan says, if men don't get that from their wives they get stupid... they don't think clearly....
If I can come to believe that I myself can give those values that are so important to me, then I think a whole new world is going to come open to me. The possibilities truly WILL be limitless. I was just talking yesterday about the fact that I wanted to work at home. In the past I felt that I would NOT be good at that because I would not be committed to getting the job done since I would not have a boss looking over my shoulder. Yesterday I told my friend, I THINK I would commit myself, which IS a step in the right direction. But I realize that I need to BELIEVE that I WILL be good at working from home.
Have you noticed that my blogs lately have been about BELIEVING? I'm noticing that this is a major theme lately in my life. I think it is the simple, most basic foundation of life and especially of our Christian walk. Believing, trusting, having faith. And all these things are more than just words. We can feel we do believe but I feel that true belief is this deep, peaceful KNOWING something is true. It's a part of us.... it flows out of us. It is not something we strive to do, it just .... is.....
I think we need to tap into our imagination.... We need to allow ourselves to dream the most impossible dreams and allow ourselves to believe that they CAN come true, no matter what our circumstances look like today.... no matter what our past has been like.... We need to stop being afraid of being disappointed and just enjoy having those HUGE dreams, KNOWING that they can come true if they are part of God's plan for us. Ask Him to show you the desires of His heart for you. Ask Him to show you what true faith is really like. Believe.... just believe.....
"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 27:20
"Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:23-24
