Saturday, April 26, 2014

Let's Do This!

Do you ever have those moments where you reach the point of such determination, you (hopefully) can't go back? 

You mentally push up your shirt sleeves, slip those sunglasses on, and, fixing your face in steadfast resolve, you march toward the door of change?  I reached such a moment today.

I was sitting here alone, minutes after my 16 year old son left for the night, and was swamped by loneliness.  The thought went through my head "Maybe I should go ahead and go out with someone", even though I feel I am not yet at that point in my life. 

Suddenly I had a light bulb moment.....  I don't want to go out with someone just because I'm lonely.  Isn't that the problem I've had in every relationship I've been in?  Even my marriage?

No, I didn't ever cheat on my husband but the loneliness I experienced often drove me to be discontent, distant and resentful.  My mind would turn to a possible solution during these times, and it was usually a yearning for someone new... someone who could take away that loneliness for good.   Sound familiar?

I hear this same scenario from countless women.  "If only my husband would be more helpful, more attentive, more sensitive. more _______   You fill in the blank....  Some of us fill that emptiness with thoughts of some Fabio, with eating, with drinking, with hobbies or work, and often with just hardening our heart so it doesn't hurt so much.

But you know what?  I don't think  ANY  relationships are "loneliness free zones" every single minute.   I don't want to continue to face this despondency all through life.  Will there be moments of loneliness, no matter where I'm at in life or who I'm with?  Sure.  But how can I break this cycle of my mind turning toward companionship as a solution?

Tonight I fully recognized that I don't want to let a dislike of solitude control my choices.  I want to reach a point where my thoughts don't turn to a man to my loneliness.  Yes, it's normal and natural to desire a relationship.  However, when that desire is based on neediness, it's likely that a disaster is about to happen....  You DON'T need someone to "complete" you.  That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, as well as others.

Suddenly all of the "You don't need a man" advice I get so sick of hearing, makes sense.  It wasn't saying it's wrong to hope the right one comes along, but you want to have a healthy outlook when he does;  when you can enjoy those butterflies in your stomach, knowing that it is regulated with some common sense.

Those butterflies have always batted away my ability to use sound judgement.  I let my heart completely over ride my head.  It's not that I ended up with bad guys; it's that I didn't allow myself the chance to develop a friendship first.  I let emotion control me.  Yes, I know that is the norm in this world, but look at the divorce rate.  If I have a second chance, I want to do it differently this time.

First of all, it has been of the utmost importance to learn about who I am.  Who are you?  What unresolved hurts do you have that need healed.  What is your passion.... something that is just for you: Art, writing, sewing, carpentry...?

Yes, you may feel your passion is to be married, to have a family, to be in ministry/business.  However, what is something that is just for you?  It is important you reach a point of being fulfilled even if you do not have the man, the family, the job, etc.  

What are your values, your goals, your beliefs, your interests?  What makes you feel loved?

Second, this time around I don't want this to be all about me.  I don't want to go into this like I'm ordering from the Burger King menu with their famous "Have it your way" slogan.  Not that I consciously did that before but everything in me was geared toward "having it MY way."  It was doing what I had to do to get what I wanted, whether that was their attention, behavior change, etc.  When  I couldn't get what I wanted, well.... it was on.

This is how it is in the world today.  Relationship seems to be based on getting what we want from each other.  When we are no longer getting what we need, we walk away.  We discard each other like yesterdays trash. 

This time I want to get to know the person, discover who they are and put them first.  This is how I would want to be treated.  This does not mean becoming a door mat.  It does mean taking the focus off of yourself and appreciate that person for who they are.  

Study them.  Not in a creepy way but in a relaxed, caring way.  A great book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman can help give guidance.  We often try to love people the way we want to be loved, instead of learning about the way they want to be loved.  The result is frustration:  Yours because they seem untouched by your actions of love; Theirs because they don't FEEL loved by you.  They speak a different love language.   This book helps you to identify their love language and how to speak it.

As a matter of fact, there are actually several different 5 Love Language books. Go to Amazon.Com and browse thru them.  You don't have to purchase the books.  Normally you can order the books through your local library's inter library loan program.  I just ran across one that I ordered from the library called "Things I wish I would have known before I got married" also by Gary Chapman.

Likewise, you need to be paying attention to how they treat you.  You want someone who will respect you even.... especially.... when it is an area that you two don't have in common. Learning about the 5 love languages enables you to identify what makes you feel loved.  It's just as important to learn about yourself as it is to learn about them.

And, lastly,  I think the most important thing is that we need to be so secure in knowing who we are that someone else loving us is just icing on the cake, not the cake itself.  Our self worth and self love is the cake. Loving yourself is the foundation to all.  A gentle, humble, yet solid self love gives you a quiet confidence that is enticing and beautiful.

You see, in any relationship you WILL run into those tough times; those times when you don't FEEL the love.  It is essential that you have enough love for yourself to have the strength to travel through those solitary times.

That same self love may also enable you to have a stable and rational outlook as to know when it's time to walk away from a destructive relationship.

I believe all of this information will help you whether you are in or out of a relationship.  Carve out some time  daily for yourself to focus on you and where you want to go.  Granted this can be more difficult if you are in a relationship and/or have children at home.  However, I feel loving yourself has to be a priority . If  you are truly wanting the best out of life for you and especially for your loved ones, you will do what it takes to find some time.

So...... LET"S DO THIS!



“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”  C. JoyBell C.

"People should accept being single because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself and learning who you are. Then when you're in a relationship you will be stronger and have a little bit more self awareness, self love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship."    Lauren London

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