Milk is for beginners, inexperienced in God’s ways; solid food is for the mature, who have some practice in telling right from wrong. Hebrews 5:12 (Message version)
Have you ever gotten on a sugar high from a big ole candy bar and felt like you were invincible? I felt that high today but it wasn't from sugar.
Due to inner personal turmoil over a certain, long term situation, I made a temporary church change a few weeks ago. This morning I was feeling unease and queasiness at my choice. AND at the thought that I might make this a permanent change. Am I abandoning my beloved church family?? Am I making a mistake?? I started talking to God and asking Him to enable me to see things from the right perspective.
As I felt His peace flow into my heart I ended up on a "God high" that has lasted all morning. However, I'm a little leary of that feeling. I started feeling this strength flow in and as it did, I have to say that I got up on my soap box and started a sermon in my head. Boy, was I great!!! In my head that is!.
So my thought is, "was any of this from God or was it just me being self righteous." I started thinking of the leadership in my church and thought "I want to feel that people in leadership have strength, wisdom and kindness." I have been questioning that lately.
See, I told you that my high was really riding high... high and mighty, that is. But it did cause me to pause and look at myself. For a few years I have been at a place where I want to find out who Sheila is; I want to be comfortable with who she is and I want others to accept me for me.
I have a few habits that I know are not the most respectful to others. The rant in my head this morning brought me to the realization that maybe it is time to see these things in a different light and not just as a "Eh! No biggie for now.. I'm human!" way of thinking.
For me, I feel like we have no real masculine leadership in our church... none that make me feel like there is a Godly strength in our church. That being said, how would I make other, less spiritually mature, Christian women feel if they could see MY lack of maturity in my not so ladylike talk and occasional outbursts?
Am I truly an authentic person if I still have those ... stains.... cozily hidden in my cute little laundry basket of life? I do understand that any journey we embark on (like authenticity) is gradual, is a "it takes a life time to accomplish", feat and I DO look back and see how far I have come on it.
However, maybe it's time that I not be so cuddly and comfortable with my dirty laundry. Not shamed by it, just ready to allow God to clean house..... Maybe I'm just eyeing this area of my life now because God has brought me to a place where I can let go of these unwanted items. It's His love that is changing me, not me, and not my fear of His disgust.
Understand that I'm sharing this because I have had what I feel is an eye opener about myself. I am in no way trying to say that you, whoever you are, are at this particular point in your journey but it may crop up some day.
The point that I'm trying to make is this: I hope any change in your life is something that grows out of your maturing process, out of your love walk with God, and NOT just a "this is what a real Christian woman looks like. I have to change to be loved by God" type of thinking; a performance based thinking.
God KNOWS where you are at right now. No, He does not want you to stay in lifestyles or habits that hinder you, but instead of beating it out of you, He chooses to allow His love to guide you out of it. What beats us up is often the consequences of our own choices.
I don't think He's up there saying "You did this wrong so no love or blessings for you!". (For those of you who were Seinfeld fans, picture the Soup Nazi saying this!) Rather, I can picture Him up there wincing and saying "Dang! It hurts my heart to see her have to learn this way, but I rejoice in knowing that she IS learning and growing and WOW! What a spectacular tapestry her life is becoming!"
I honestly feel that if I had not taken the time, the past two or three years, to focus on my love walk with God, I would be feeling more self righteous about things; This change would be more of a head decision than a heart knowing. As it is, find myself saying "Huh... I get it now." (well, at least I do for the moment!)
There is often of a feeling of wonder there, instead of a "it's time to grow up" shameful kind of feeling. This is just how, for my type of personality, I need change to happen. I need to feel there is a tenderness encouraging me to change.
Maybe for some of you it WILL be that matter of fact decision making type of personality that truly changes your heart. Who knows? We are all unique individuals and change will come in different ways, at different times, for all of us. I just hope the change in each of us grows out of a heart knowledge of God's love for us, and not a head knowledge that is more of a "law" mentality.
The things I write here correlate with my particular journey and where I am at in it. It is not a "how to" manual for you to follow.
Picture it more as a cozy, fireside chat with the smell of a LARGE dose of Hazelnut creamer, being slowly stirred into hot coffee, floating between us. It's a chat between friends eager to share our ups and downs without fear of pointing fingers or feelings of judgment. My hope is that this is somewhere where we will feel safe in this world of religion that so loves to point out all of our wrongs, instead of celebrating with us in all of our rights......
― Mother Teresa
