This morning as I lay reflecting.... ok.... as I lay daydreaming, another layer came to me in "it's not about me..."
As I was thinking these thoughts suddenly, in my head, it was like I was looking through the eyes of others. I still have a lot of rules in my life and they can affect friendships. How do my "rules" affect others?
Suddenly, it wasn't about me and my rules anymore. It was about "how do others see me... my actions toward them?" My focus then went to others and how I'm making them feel, instead of to myself and rules.
My thoughts then turned to the book I am currently reading: Cross Roads by William P. Young. In the book the main character is in a coma. In the course of this story his spirit ends up inside, first a mentally handicapped teenager, then inside a woman. From his vantage point inside a person Tony is able to feel the emotions that person is feeling, and is able to see the world through THEIR eyes. It changed everything for him.
This morning it was like I had this flash of what it must feel like to allow myself to see me, to see the way I come across to others. It gave me yet an even deeper insight as to the meaning of "it's not about me."
Again, when I say those words, it is not with that obnoxious, judgmental, matter of fact air that so many seem to have when they tell you that. I say these words with the wide eyed wonder of a little girl who's breath is taken away by the wonder, the magnificence, the beauty, and yes, the freedom that brings.
I am catching glimpses of what it must feel like to be totally unselfconscious about me. I am catching the aroma of the scent of freedom to not be a slave to my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy because my focus is no longer on me and my feelings.
My focus is on the person(s) I am talking to and sensing their feelings. No, it's not about MY self effort.... it's not about MY performance..... (bear with me; things are coming to me as I write so I hope I make sense here.) It's about me relaxing in my spirit so much that the Holy Spirit can flow through me and touch the heart of those I am focusing on.
When I feel the need to control, the need to focus on how I am feeling, on how I am being treated, on my performance, then I think the Holy Spirit can't flow properly. It's all about me when I'm like this.
As I'm writing what comes to me is maybe it isn't so much about focusing on the other person. It's about being so trusting of the Holy Spirit that you know longer need to worry about how you are being treated or about making sure you feel comfortable. It's about trusting the Holy Spirit so much that you are trusting Him to flow through you to touch the heart of the other person in whatever way He see's fit.
What also hit me this morning is that my relationships, whether it be with family, friends, guys, etc., are not about God doing something for me. Yes, often I am left feeling very blessed and thankful by the depth of my relationships. BUT, just as often I am in a relationshipwhere I am left confused and uncertain as to how to navigate. We know "The truth will set you free" verse. I'm starting to see that I have grown tremendously by facing these uncertain relationships head on instead of avoiding them or running away.
Maybe it was because I am to find out what it is to BE a friend to someone who can't give much back. Maybe it's because I am to learn what it means to be a real friend by experiencing all this crap and going to God with it to show me how He can use it to enable me to grow.
Girls, I am on this journey with you. Maybe I am ahead of some of you and maybe I'm WAAAY behind some of you. That's ok. I'm learning not to compare myself with others because it brings so much frustration. My journey is uniquely mine.
Yes, I wish I was so much more in tune with the Holy Spirit and could immediately sense the correct directions to go in life, but you know what? My journey is now becoming one of open mouthed awe.... of wide eyed wonder.... at what I am coming to recognize in God's personality and in what He is able to do in me.
I'm not feeling so frustrated and inadequate anymore, now that I'm not comparing myself to others. But I will tell you, don't beat yourself up if you ARE feeling that way. I think it's all a part of the journey for each one of us. It's a developmental stage that we will go thru, just as a teenager goes thru puberty.
They are frustrated and angry because they are no longer a little kid, yet they are not a mature adult yet either. They are caught in the middle and it is not pleasant. I wish I would have enjoyed my teenage years more, just like I wish I would have relaxed and enjoyed my whole growth process with God. But maybe that is so much easier said than done just because we are human.
