Mark 5:25-29 A woman who had
suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—(a long succession
of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her
money and leaving her worse off than before)—had heard about Jesus. She
slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to
herself, “If I can JUST put a finger on his robe, I can get well. The moment
she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with."
Have you ever reached a point where your choices were becoming huge burdens in your life? Where you can see nothing but you sin and the load is getting heavier and heavier?...
I've been there.... BOY have I been there. In my case, a lot of the choices came about because I religiously thought they were something that God was asking me to do. Thru religious, and hyper religious interpretation of the bible, I took on things that I would have NEVER done before.
I took on things that seemed outright sin to me, and they were> However, my religious teachers and my distorted view of God and the bible's teaching told me that I was doing the right thing. These wrong beliefs forced me into a pit of shame, despair, frustration, loneliness, hopelessness and self loathing.
I know that the woman with the plague of hemoraging was the victim of uncontrollable circumstances and not her own choices. That said, I happen to believe the same power of Jesus to heal us of whatever ails us, even shame from our own choices, is available to US. I ended up in circumstances that I could not even begin to understand how to control.
Because of these circumstances, I truly began to hate God. GASP! Yes.... I began to absolutely despise God. When things became too exhausting to handle I would cry out to Him. I would tell Him that I hated Him... tell Him that I was only doing these things because I was supposed to. I railed at Him for forcing me into this prison of torment and bleakness. I literally felt like He was Hitler and I was a prisoner in His nazi camp.
Of course these outbursts would be immediately followed by me groveling at His feet, fervently apologizing and pledging to not let it happen again.
(But it did happen again... and again... and again...)
I would tell Him that I didn't mean the things I said.
(But I did...)
I would beg for Him to take my free will and to enable me to immediately be that person He wanted.
(But He never did....)
The shame and guilt would cripple me for days. I became SUCH a secretive person during that time. Even though I felt I was doing God's will, I knew others would not understand. Plus, I was ashamed.
Do you ever feel like that?........
One day I said something a tad unkind to the main person in my life at that time that I thought I was to be submissive to. After this person left, I immediately began to babble out apologies to God about how sorry I was. Suddenly I stopped and in wonder I honestly told God "No I'm not.... I'm not sorry. I'm only apologizing because I feel that I am SUPPOSED to but I'm honestly not sorry."
You know what? That axe of doom never fell to chop off my head for being so cheeky... Well let me tell YOU.... that allowed me a taste of freedom and nothing had ever been sweeter! I literally FELT a burden lift off of me!
This was what I think was truly the real beginning of my VERY slow progress toward a real relationship with God. At this time, I had absolutely no trust in God, or anyone else, not even... especially.... myself. SO I began very slowly to take baby steps toward Him instead of cowering in fear away from Him.
I had so much denial about any "unGodly" feelings and thoughts stuffed and buried far down deep inside of me, that little splinters of it STILL tend to work their way out of me. But I'm healed.. My woundedness has faded to scars that only add depth and beauty to the compassionate, Godly woman that I am today....
I feel the biggest part of my healing was came from finally understanding that I was allowed to be honest with myself and God without fear of punishment. Not just allowed but that honesty was necessary. It is so true that confession is good for the soul.
I have went thru some of my past history to make a point here. Often the burdens of our choices, whether we falsely think we are following God, or whether we are outright deliberately sinning, are caused by overwhelming shame and guilt.
That shame can push us so far down into a pit that we can no longer see or hear God. We may feel that He has turned his back on us. We can't seem to get out of the mess. Maybe we don't know how or maybe we just plain don't want to. Maybe we like what we are doing, but that gentle loving spirit inside of us is pure light so just can't mesh up with the sin so we feel unsettled.
Go to Him... trust yourself and Him enough to be totally honest about everything; every thought, every action, every foul word.... Even if you are in a pit so deep that you can't see daylight, it is my prayer that you can muster enough strength to believe that Jesus has already covered your debt.
Can you just believe that you don't have to have your life in order to STILL be righteous thru HIS righteousness? If you believe nothing good about yourself, just believe the goodness in Him, in His Holy Spirit inside you if you have invited Him in to be your Lord and Savior, is enough.
Picture yourself, like the woman in the picture above, reaching out in exhaustion and defeat just to touch the hem of His robe. You don't have to do anything but say "Help".... You may not even know what you need help with... that's ok.
You may not even be able to muster strength or desire to even pray. That's ok.... Just say the name of Jesus over an over. That is a way of reaching out to touch the hem of His robe. There is power in just saying His name.
This is all a process, and we will all do it differently. For me I think the point where I first reached out to touch the hem of His robe was that moment when I could be honest and say "I'm NOT sorry..." It was a moment of truth and "the truth shall set you free". At that moment I felt the flow of guilt dry up and a profound relief, which felt like power, flowed in.
He offers us ALL grace and mercy. He is not a respecter of persons.
" Acts 10:32-36 Peter fairly exploded with his good news: “It’s God’s own truth, nothing could be plainer: God plays no favorites! It makes no difference who you are or where you’re from—if you want God and are ready to do as he says, the door is open. In other words, He loves each of us the same. " The Message
The same grace and favor is available to each of us, no matter who we are. I believe that if you are to the point of being so desperate to crawl on your belly and touch a trembling finger to the hem of His robe, that you are willing to allow Him to talk to your heart and you will eventually feel His power flow in to enable you to see a way out of the pit you are in. Just reach out a finger in some way and ask Him to enable you to "Believe, just believe....." He's waiting with arms wide open....
