“That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure- that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place”
― Stasi Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul
I have become aware of a secret shame... There is a desire that I knew made me feel uneasy and inadequate, but I didn't quite have a grasp on the fact that that uneasy feeling was shame. I am feeling that shame because of this desire that I have; a desire that so many Christians tell me is not necessary in my life.... They almost act like I'm pathetic for having it, which makes me feel.... "less than".
My desire is to have a special man in my life. I'd say I want a husband, but the truth is, I can't yet see making that leap to being a wife, I just feel that it would be the ultimate destination. I see first getting to know someone as my best friend, and see where things head.
And yes, I do want the intimacy that God created for marriage, but more than anything, I want to share this adventure... this life.... this journey that God has me on, with someone that can get real, get deep and get intimate with me on a level that no one but a husband can.
As I read the words that Staci Eldredge wrote, many thoughts come to me. The first one being "Hurray! I am NOT some weak, pathethic, man seeking, old crone! It is NORMAL to have this desire! This desire to share this great life adventure with a man.... Another thought is "YES! I want to feel ESSENTIAL to the man in my life, and NOT just as his appendage, his tagalong, his maid."
I know that may sound strange, but I have been praying for a few years now that God would bring me a man who is "Jesus with skin on." That prayer has gradually turned into asking Him to mold ME into "Jesus with skin on." What does that mean? Glad you asked....
I have felt SUCH a longing to be able to spend my life with Jesus; sharing this exciting adventure with Jesus. However, I ALSO want a man who is here... in flesh and blood.... Yes, I know that Jesus is all those things, but I still long for it to be in the form of a flesh and blood man here on earth. So I started to ask Him to send me a man who was just like Jesus, only with "skin on". Make sense? Kinda goofy I know, but I'm being authentic here... Don't judge me... : D
I started slowly realizing that I want to give to that potential mate what I want to get from him, so I started praying that I would be molded into "Jesus with skin on." In case you get the wrong picture here I need to let you know that I don't want to change just for a man, though.
I want to make everyone I come into contact with, especially my children, family and friends, to feel so unconditionally loved and accepted that they would catch a glimpse of who Christ truly is. And, if I'm being honest with myself, I want to feel completely at peace with myself.. ok with myself... and, for me, that only comes from coming to know who I was created to be; not who society, my friends, books or even the church says I should be.
I was not made to be the cookie cutter image of a trillion other women. I am "....fearfully and wonderfully made... psalm 139:14. I am unique... one of a kind. God created me, my personality, my life situations, my family, etc. He had a reason for ALL of this. EVERYTHING - the good and the bad- that has happened to me has helped to mold me into the person He created me to be.
Who is that woman? I'm on the journey to finding out. Some things I'm finally admitting to, without feeling like a failure, is: I don't have a love of cooking, I am a dreamer, I am not the best house keeper even tho I love order. I get cranky. I use humor too much. (Is such a thing possible, haha!) I LOVE developing friendships, yet I prefer gatherings on a small scale. I love knowledge and trying to figure out what makes someone tick. I am shy around some people and not around others. I hate confrontation yet I hate being run over. I like to have friends who we can bounce ideas/beliefs off of each other, yet can respect each others differences. You get the picture.
When I try to be someone I am not, then I am not at peace, not content. That is the story of my life. I always tried to be who I thought I should be, who others wanted me to be. I was NEVER at peace. Finally, at 47 years of age, I am finally grasping this concept.
Yes, I know that with age comes wisdom, but my hope is that some day, all women will grow up grasping this concept from childhood. Sounds impossible, but then again, nothing is impossible with God. Through this learning process, I also have to learn to extend the same respect to others: discover how to let them be who they are, and THAT is often not easy.
This is not the avenue that I was going to take on today's blog entry when I started with Staci's quote, but then again, that is who I am: random, rambling, daydreaming, flitting, thought chaser..... I am who I am. Isn't that great! : D
