I have been taking a class from Dr. Dan that focuses on enabling us to recognize our purpose. In the church you often hear talk about your purpose and your calling. I thought those two were the same thing.
However I have learned that our purpose is who we are. Our calling is what we do with our purpose. For example, God may have created you with the purpose of being an encourager, a voice, an athlete, or a _____...... you fill in the blanks.... Your calling may be that you encourage through a blog, your a voice thru being a motivational speaker, an athlete who plays football, etc.
About three weeks ago a subject in class was the Garden of Gethsemane and how we each have to go through one to discover who we are. Dr. Dan believes that we go through that only one time in our life, and when we come through it, we know what our purpose is. He believes once we know our purpose, everything we touch our hand to will prosper. He also believes that a very few percentage of people ever reach this point. Most people do not recognize the call on their heart to pursue God in such a way that He can reveal your purpose to you, or that you will live up to that purpose.
I'm wondering.... Do we really go through only ONE Garden of Gethsemane? It feels like we go through it every time we face a monumental crisis in our life. Yikes! How often are we down on our knees saying "Not my will, but Yours?" How often do we come to that point of knowing that we have to lay down what we want and trust that He will bring to pass what needs to happen. Every time it FEELS like dying.... Every time it feels like we are spiritually sweating blood. It's during these times that you often experience moments of feeling totally alone, even though you are surrounded by many.
Hearing about discovering your purpose and calling used to put a TON of pressure on me. I just knew that if I couldn't discover it, I was going to be living in a shanty in the slums on the outskirts of heaven because I had not pleased God by letting him use me like a lowly slave. I feared that I would be useless to Him because I could never guess my purpose. Now, even though I haven't yet learned my purpose, I have had a taste of what it is to experience being His beloved daughter instead of just a worthless piece of junk to be used.
I think it is for that very reason, the fact that my trust in Him is growing, that it is only now that I am in a place where I can discover what my purpose is here on earth. And He has a purpose for me, not as a slave but as His friend. I am a flower that He has sent to bloom in this world, and if I allow Him to fertilize my growth, the aroma that my life gives off will be an intoxicating aroma that can help change the lives of others.
Dan explained that in going through the Garden of Gethsemane, we will separate from the crowd and take a few of our closest friends with us along this journey. These are people that need to know what is going on in my world. That said, as Jesus's three disciples failed Him by falling asleep in the Garden, our friends will fail us... but they need to be with us on our journey.
There will come a point on this journey where we will have to separate from them in a way, and be alone with God. This will be a place where my soul (who I am, my wishes) has to die... it has to come into alignment with my spirit. This is not easy. As Dan says "my spirit will grieve because it knows my soul has to die." We may ask that this cup pass from us because what God is pulling us toward seems too big.... the cost may seem too great.
There will be a moment of decision where we decide to either to follow through with Him toward our purpose, or to turn back to live a safer life. If you DO say "your will be done", it will bring a quiet to your spirit. It's a moment of surrender and it feels so peaceful. You do need to know that this is NOT about what you are doing.... it's about your being willing to totally trust God with the outcome. You stay close to Him.... you focus on learning to sense His leading and you just follow step by step. If you know He is leading you to do something, the outcome is in HIS hands. It's not up to you to MAKE it happen.
At this moment, and I know it may change as I allow God to unfold things, I'm feel that something about my purpose will be in dealing with relationships.... It's in discovering what a relationship with God is..... what a relationship with myself is.... and what a relationship with others is. As I learn these things, God may be able to bring me alongside others in this hurting world to encourage them in relationship, whether it is a relationship with God, self, and/or others. I firmly believe that a healthy relationship with God and self first is vital to being able to have healthy relationships with others.
I do have some close women friends with me in this journey. You could say these friends have all failed me at times, just as I have failed them. We're human. They all, in different ways, do not believe in what I feel I am being led to do at times. And, at times, I feel a pressure to go along with their advice.... like they don't trust me to try, and, if it comes to it, to fail. To learn from the failure.
I can't blame them.... I sometimes sound crazy even to myself. I know they want to protect me and I'm so thankful for their love. I just sometimes feel forbidden to "grow up"... to take risks. Is this the spiritual teenager in me? Someone who is not quite yet mature, yet no longer a child? Someone who is on another leg of the journey in finding out what is true.... what is real... so feels that need to pull away a bit in order to be allowed go grow? sigh.... I thought I was done with my teenage years a long.... LONG time ago.
I spent several years separated, not divorced, from my husband believing that God wanted to restore that marriage. I focused on the outcome and tried to make it happen by following religious teachings that instructed me on what a Godly wife should be. I tried to force myself into the mold of what I was told I should be in order to achieve the outcome.
Instead of focusing on a relationship with God and who He created me to be, I focused on forcing myself into being someone that I thought I should be. I focused on the outcome, not on trusting Him with it. The result was disaster and I finally walked away in defeat.
I filed divorce since the pressure from the failure to achieve the desired outcome finally overwhelmed me. I didn't surrender and allow God to work.... I gave up. I'm not saying that my marriage would have been healed. That's not where I'm heading. I'm saying that I know I did take control often instead of allowing things to unfold.
This is all coming to me as I type, but with it does not come the old sense of despair and shame. Instead I feel this is an "aha" moment and I feel peace.
Our God is sooo good to give us more than one chance to learn. In other words, we get to "go around the mountain" again. As I'm writing this what is coming to me is the sense that this is not a bad thing. I'll use Dr. Dan's analogy. It is like that athlete who practices and practices until they perfect their game. Maybe that is what we are doing.
Instead of considering it a failure to be going around the mountain again, just consider it another level of practice. Each time you go through a different level you will refine and hone those skills that God needs you to have. However, I do believe, for me, that I have had to recognize that I can't keep doing the same things each time I go around the mountain or I will never get anywhere.
For me, a big part of this time around the mountain has involved taking risks and going down the path less traveled. In other words, instead of playing it safe by "following the rules" that others make, if I sense what I think is God's leading to do something, I step out instead of playing it safe. This is fine tuning my ability to tell what is His leading. Let me tell you, this is taking a while! Sheesh! The downside is that I have taken some nasty spills. The upside is that I am getting more comfortable with failing.... I often don't even consider it a failure but a learning lesson.
Something Dan asked in class this week is what opened a can of worms for me. He asked "What is our purpose? The main one is to glorify God." When he asked "What is another one", what popped into my head was "relationships." Dan then said "The other purposes depend on who you are as an individual."
This brought the mini jolt to my spirit because it just clicked that my interest, my fascination with learning about relationships is my passion. Why? Probably because I have failed at them so often. Also because I have watched the hurt that everyone I know has experienced by failing in or being failed by them.
As I write, I recognize that more and more I am learning to try to keep my focus on God and trying to sense His leading instead of trying to figure out where the situation I am in is going to end up. Again, it is not about the situation, it is not about what I am doing, it is about the fact that I am trusting God (believe...just believe...) with the outcome.
It hit me lately that I don't even know what the outcome is to be, and I'm becoming more comfortable with not knowing. This situation will not last forever. Another one will come where I will use these skills that have been honed in me.... where I will know that it is not about the outcome, it is about following God. Then another will come, then another....
Am I still often failing at keeping my focus on Him instead of the outcome? Oh yeah! Just when things seem to run a bit smoother in that department... WHAM! I trip and fall. However, I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again! Am I often failing because I chase after something I think He is leading me to do, only to end up in a mess? Heck yeah! Kind of gets down right discouraging at times!
Something I just wrote about in a few recent articles come to mind. My own words are coming back to encourage me. Those words are "I am the righteousness of Christ." I have to believe that. If I don't, then I start feeling condemned and discouraged.
Am I going down the right path in my choices? I don't know. Is my purpose helping others in relationships? I don't know.Will I ever know what my purpose is? I don't know... but I think I will. What will that Garden of Gethsemane look like? I don't know. It seems like I've been through it a trillion times.
How much worse will the real one that shows me my purpose be like? I feel like I've been going through it with recent decisions that are leaving me lost and alone, afraid to let go but desperately wanting to. Thinking I've let go only to find I've grabbed on again.
I have to believe that I am getting closer and the thought is exciting, exhilerating, and terrifying all at once! Yes indeed.... Life is a beautiful mess!
Well, tata for now! Until next time.... believe..... just believe..... You are the righteousness of Christ...
