Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Green Eyed Monster....

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud....

jeal.ous.y

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness..

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

I really long to see the "fruits of the spirit" bearing a harvest in me. Girl... I mean I REALLY long for it.

Regardless if you believe in a higher power or not, what if you could be patient, kind, not jealous, boastful, or proud, not irritable?  What if you kept no record of being wronged,  did not rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the truth wins out?  

What if you could believe that love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.... ?  If these attributes naturally flowed out of you, wouldn't life be so much easier... so much more peaceful?!

 I do see a great maturing in these characteristics in my life, however one I have struggled with is jealousy. You know what, I think I may have been in an unnecessary wrestling match with it. I have let it remain a bigger opponent than it truthfully is.

 In most things I am not jealous, however I know when it comes to a romantic area, jealousy could rear it's ugly head or at least ignite into a slow simmer.  I have believed  I am to totally snuff that out and not allow any particle of it to flicker in me before I can consider myself a victor in this area.

BUT what if it is normal to have  "mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc?"  What if is is normal to have "vigilance in maintaining or guarding something?"

What if it's how we choose to act that is the issue... that show's our maturity...?  Interesting and curious concept....

The first thing to do is acknowledge it.  If we ignore it, hide it, and crush it down, I believe it is then that it can grow into "jealous resentment against a rival...a person enjoying success or advantage."  

In myself, I have developed the belief that I need to beat those feelings of jealousy down with an ugly stick, wrap them up in a dirty tarp and hide them in the closet so no one will know they exist in our relationship.  

However, the more I do that, the more difficult it becomes to keep the carcass from becoming a huge, smelly ogre.  The resentment seems to grow and get uglier when hidden away, and actually seems to flourish in the darkness of secrecy.  

I have begun to look at jealousy with curious eyes.... I want to get acquainted with it's truth; I want a chance to learn more about this nasty little creature and what makes him tick.... what makes him manageable.

I prayed over the topic then did what most people consider the practical thing:  I googled jealousy.  I found that most people agree it is a normal thing, and it is how you handle it that determines the power it has.  I ran across a marvelous quote that says  "Manipulation comes from self-centeredness that is willing to hurt another person."  

I agree!  Jealousy makes us willing to hurt another to get what we want, or to get an outcome or reaction we want.  Manipulation is a very real method of acting upon this willingness.

In my experience I found hidden jealousy can become stronger, and eventually lead toward a willingness to hurt someone to get what we want.  What we want may even be evidenced by us lashing out to hurt someone like we are hurting.... to "get even" with them.  The cold, bitterness resentful jealousy brings can push us to want others to hurt like we hurt.

So... once we acknowledge these feelings of jealousy, how do we address them?

I recently faced this crisis of jealousy.  I acknowledged to myself a jealousy.... a coveting,  a wanting of something more from a certain relationship, than I could have.... but not until it started to get ugly.  I then realized I no longer wanted to hide the tumultuous emotions.  Does that mean I allow them to "all hang out?" Do I let the green eyed little bugger out of its' cage??  Uh.... no.... That didn't quite seem a comfortable fit either.

As I pondered this, a delighted understanding came to me when I recognized that I did not want to indulge or react to the reflex to display these emotions.  Allowing them to run wild no longer feels natural to me.  Eureka!  A sign of maturity!

So what do we do when faced with jealousy?  I don't feel there is any one cut and dried solution, as no two instances... no two people....are alike.

I believe it depends on the situation, on the depth of a relationship, and dare I say it..... motives.

Do you ever have situations where you feel unable to express yourself when faced with a need to confront someone?  Do you feel unable to?  I occasionally do.  Why? Because of a rigid belief I have that I am not to confront others.  A belief that I am "not allowed" to express myself .  That it is inappropriate to open up.  That my words could cause an avalanche of chaos, hurt someone, or cause discomfort .  My "in the box" thinking hinders me
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I have been on a journey of critical thinking.... of observing my beliefs in me and asking "Is this how I truly believe or is this a learned belief.  Why do I think the way I think?"   In other words, it it my true belief or did my upbringing, experiences, or society establish this belief?

Why do I believe I can't be open about things?  Why am I so rigid in my thinking?  I recognize it's because I have somehow received that message from the church.  Again....Is it what I personally believe? Hmmm.... interesting question.  I'm going to take a moment to ponder this.

I have to say no... I don't share that view because of my experiences in life and because no two situations are alike  Why cover things with a blanket of uniformity.... approach each dilemma as the unique, singular experience it is.  So often things aren't black and white, instead they are a vast array of colors and shades.

I have a situation that is definitely one that will take continued time, thought, and, for me, prayer, before I move forward.  I have to examine my motives, the depth of the relationship, and appropriateness.  No, I'm not in a pleasant predicament but I truly believe that each trial we face is an opportunity to learn and grow.  I am eager at that thought of exploring yet another phase some relationships face, but am aware that discretion, wisdom, and love needs to be prominently and liberally sprinkled over this garden of growth.

 Experience is not what happens to a woman.  It is what a woman does with what happens to her....  ~Aldous Leonard
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