One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.... Henry Miller
For the first time in a while I have something to blog about. I now realize that I have been in a time of busyness, stress, AND a place of deep resentment.
A family member became ill, in large part we believe, due to her poor lifestyle choices. It has been left to me to make the medical decisions, run and fetch for her while she has been gone, and to try to juggle the holiday season.
I'm not trying to beat her or myself up here. It's just that I let life invade and distract me from alone time with God. I became spiritually dehydrated. I let things build up inside and a few nights ago I finally admitted to myself the resentment I have begun to feel for the position I am in, and for the person I want to blame.
I immediately internally turned to God and spoke to my... His.... spirit in me. I poured out how I felt. I hesitantly told Him that I felt it was was wrong to feel this way, and that I was afraid of His punishment.
Hmmm.... That surprised me. I realized that I hadn't even been able to admit these strong feelings to myself, let alone to God, because I was afraid of All Mighty punishment.
In talking with Him, I used the word "hate". I allowed myself to express exactly what I was feeling at that moment. Guess what? Since then, instead of feeling horrible and like I need to give myself 1,000 lashes with a raw hide whip, I have felt like a weight is lifted. I seem to have more patience and understanding .
I told God that, at this moment, I couldn't love like I needed to so He would have to do it through me. I have relaxed and am trusting Him to do it in me.
I realized today that God seems to be orchestrating so many situations that eventually lead me to "take Him out of the box." In other words, I have a tendency to be a "dictator." Strict beliefs learned in my past lead me to dictate "this is just how it's done." In other words, I form rigid rules or principles. This does not allow room for change and growth.
I tend to look at where I'm at in life and put restraints on it. Often I find myself drift toward a treadmill of performance.... If I follow this rule than I'll get that result. I may feel fear when I don't "follow the rules" well enough.
For example, there are verses like "Look not only to your own interests but to the interests of others." Phil. 2:4. I have a tendency to dictate this can only be interpreted one way. That I am to allow myself be brought to the point of exhaustion by trying to fulfill this biblical commandment.
I then cross over into extreme resentment and anger. This leads to my feeling fear that God may punish me for not being content to be at someone's selfish beck and call, and for falling into anger.
My biggest downfall is that I may sometimes grab onto what I think is the leading of God and lock it into place in my "spiritual radar." I may I still find myself ignoring the clanging warning signs from others, but especially from my inner self.... my spirit.... I still may find myself unconsciously resisting what I believe is the gentle tug of God trying to pull me back on course.
But even then, He normally manages to get my attention and guide me back on track. It just takes a little longer than it probably needed to, but fear not! None of that time is wasted.
As a matter of fact, I think I may have learned a lot more in finding my way back then I would have if I had never gotten off course in the first place. Not that I would choose to take the longer route unless absolutely necessary.... uh huh.... no.... thank.... you!
Sometimes I find myself spiritually squinting at scriptures to get them to give me permission to do what I want to do. However, when I am truly seeking God, often scriptures will spring to life... they will grab my attention and a leap in my spirit(?).. an.... awareness(?)..... flows in that seems to be God speaking to me.
The only way I learn to be more confident in telling the difference between me speaking to me, and God speaking to me, is by stepping out and taking the risk to follow what seems to be God.
Remember, this is YOUR journey and no one else's. Embrace it.... taste it.... and live it to the fullest....
I want to remind you that you are unique.... your relationship with God and others is unique.... your life experiences are unique, therefore your journey is unique.
I and others can share our experiences with you to give you inspiration, hope and company on your journey but please do NOT make the mistake of thinking that you can copy anyone's travels. You would then be just a carbon copy instead of an original.
You would be putting your authenticity in a box instead of letting it's colors run and blend wildly into the one of a kind tapestry it was created to be. Never try to duplicate, or compare yourself to, someone else. You will always feel that you are never measuring up. That's because someone else is not who you were created to be.
You are an original! Now step out of that confining choking closet of conformity that you have allowed close-mindedness to trap you in, and expand your thinking... your heart.... your spirit..... your soul.... to the reality that ANYTHING is possible..... Hugs! Sheila
