A Helping Hand Out of the Pit......

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path, and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2
 
I am facing my past at this moment, but not in a way you might expect.  I am forced to sit on the sidelines, wringing my hands, as my heart hurts for someone who is going through the very things that almost destroyed my life.

Actually, those things did destroy life as I knew it.  However, the things that were meant for my harm were used for the good.  Those things have paved the way for me to become softer, gentler and more loving.  What were those weapons of mass destruction?

They were overwhelming fear, crushing condemnation, toxic self hatred, debilitating doubt and feelings of black, oppressive failure.  I lived in what felt like total darkness, for a period of time.  It was a life devoid of the light that love, faith, hope, joy and peace brings.  I lived, for a season, in depression and the severe psychosis that spirit numbing fear can bring.  What was I afraid of? God and failing at keeping His "religious rules."  I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was following man made interpretations of Him and His rules.

Thankfully I was rescued from that life by a God who would not give up on me.  Even though I felt He had completely deserted me, I now KNOW He was down in that miry pit with me.  He was the one fighting the demons that tormented my soul.  He was the one keeping me safe even when I was in the bowels of hell in my mind and spirit.

Now I have run into a dear sweet woman who seems to be stumbling around in that cloudy haze of deception that the enemy uses to blind us.  Like I was, she is absolutely terrified of being out of God's will.  She feels that she ended up in some horrible places because she took herself out of His will.

To me, as someone reflecting on her own past, He focus wasn't on me being in His will.  He knew fear drove me to make the choices I did.  He knew, like with my friend, He is in a battle with the enemy.  This woman, like me, He see's as beautiful, precious, innocent and desperately wanting to please Him. 

I think my friend, so desperately holding on to Him even when she feels out of control, is right where she needs to be.  She IS in His will when she is refusing to give up on HIM.  It's not the places she stumbles into as she is trying to outrun the demons who are chasing her that are His focus.....  It's not the things fear drives her to do that He looks at....  No... It's her desperate need for Him that tugs at His heart.

"For the Lord says, “Because he loves me, I will rescue him; I will make him great because he trusts in my name."  Psalm 91:14

"I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Even when one reaches a place where they no longer feel God hears them.... Even when it feels their faith is completely gone and the opportunity to have Him in their life is destroyed....  Even when they give up.... Even then.... It is still the longing in their hearts to feel Him again that He see's.  That longing may only be a tiny bit of ash left lying in the deep recesses of their dead heart... but HE can bring that spark back to life.

I feel so helpless when I listen to this amazing woman because I remember how no one could get through to me.  But as I type, I also remember that no one I knew had experienced this so they just couldn't understand.  I have experienced this.  I do understand.....

I am praying, asking God to show me how I can come alongside her to somehow help her through this time.  What has come to me is to just walk beside her.  Allow her to feel and express these emotions and thoughts she has.  Allow her to know this is not crazy talk.  It's a very real valley... pit.... she is traveling through. 

As someone who has climbed out of that pit and is standing on the other side, I can tell her that life is glorious over here.  Is it easy?  No.  Is it pain free and fear free? No.  Do I have all the answers? No.  But there is a sensitivity, a heart that feels the pain of others and not just their own.  There is a peace underneath the surface turmoil.  And there is a trust in God that was never there before.

No, this journey has not been the easiest or the most fun.  But I'm still here.  And amazingly, FINALLY, I feel I am reaching a place in life where my earthly wants for stuff, things, people, is being replaced by a desire to give... to be the one who can in some way enrich another person's life, instead of demanding that they enrich mine. 

I hope in some way that I can be one who God can work through to give light, hope, laughter and love to the people I come into contact with.  Yes, there is still a lot of "Me" in my life. But as "Me" begins to soften and strengthen through the difficulties life brings, instead of harden and weaken, my priories are finally straightening out.


I'm finding that while my heart hurts for others and for what they have to go through, it also sings because He has allowed me to be a part of their world.  It soars at the hope and the desire to come alongside them and hopefully be able to shoulder some of their burden.

No, I don't rejoice because they are suffering but I do know that they will learn, grow, strengthen and find peace as they survive this temporary affliction.  I do rejoice because I know God came alongside me and helped me through, and now He allows the knowledge I learned through my trials, to help others.  It's amazing......

"He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

Let's Do This!

Do you ever have those moments where you reach the point of such determination, you (hopefully) can't go back? 

You mentally push up your shirt sleeves, slip those sunglasses on, and, fixing your face in steadfast resolve, you march toward the door of change?  I reached such a moment today.

I was sitting here alone, minutes after my 16 year old son left for the night, and was swamped by loneliness.  The thought went through my head "Maybe I should go ahead and go out with someone", even though I feel I am not yet at that point in my life. 

Suddenly I had a light bulb moment.....  I don't want to go out with someone just because I'm lonely.  Isn't that the problem I've had in every relationship I've been in?  Even my marriage?

No, I didn't ever cheat on my husband but the loneliness I experienced often drove me to be discontent, distant and resentful.  My mind would turn to a possible solution during these times, and it was usually a yearning for someone new... someone who could take away that loneliness for good.   Sound familiar?

I hear this same scenario from countless women.  "If only my husband would be more helpful, more attentive, more sensitive. more _______   You fill in the blank....  Some of us fill that emptiness with thoughts of some Fabio, with eating, with drinking, with hobbies or work, and often with just hardening our heart so it doesn't hurt so much.

But you know what?  I don't think  ANY  relationships are "loneliness free zones" every single minute.   I don't want to continue to face this despondency all through life.  Will there be moments of loneliness, no matter where I'm at in life or who I'm with?  Sure.  But how can I break this cycle of my mind turning toward companionship as a solution?

Tonight I fully recognized that I don't want to let a dislike of solitude control my choices.  I want to reach a point where my thoughts don't turn to a man to my loneliness.  Yes, it's normal and natural to desire a relationship.  However, when that desire is based on neediness, it's likely that a disaster is about to happen....  You DON'T need someone to "complete" you.  That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, as well as others.

Suddenly all of the "You don't need a man" advice I get so sick of hearing, makes sense.  It wasn't saying it's wrong to hope the right one comes along, but you want to have a healthy outlook when he does;  when you can enjoy those butterflies in your stomach, knowing that it is regulated with some common sense.

Those butterflies have always batted away my ability to use sound judgement.  I let my heart completely over ride my head.  It's not that I ended up with bad guys; it's that I didn't allow myself the chance to develop a friendship first.  I let emotion control me.  Yes, I know that is the norm in this world, but look at the divorce rate.  If I have a second chance, I want to do it differently this time.

First of all, it has been of the utmost importance to learn about who I am.  Who are you?  What unresolved hurts do you have that need healed.  What is your passion.... something that is just for you: Art, writing, sewing, carpentry...?

Yes, you may feel your passion is to be married, to have a family, to be in ministry/business.  However, what is something that is just for you?  It is important you reach a point of being fulfilled even if you do not have the man, the family, the job, etc.  

What are your values, your goals, your beliefs, your interests?  What makes you feel loved?

Second, this time around I don't want this to be all about me.  I don't want to go into this like I'm ordering from the Burger King menu with their famous "Have it your way" slogan.  Not that I consciously did that before but everything in me was geared toward "having it MY way."  It was doing what I had to do to get what I wanted, whether that was their attention, behavior change, etc.  When  I couldn't get what I wanted, well.... it was on.

This is how it is in the world today.  Relationship seems to be based on getting what we want from each other.  When we are no longer getting what we need, we walk away.  We discard each other like yesterdays trash. 

This time I want to get to know the person, discover who they are and put them first.  This is how I would want to be treated.  This does not mean becoming a door mat.  It does mean taking the focus off of yourself and appreciate that person for who they are.  

Study them.  Not in a creepy way but in a relaxed, caring way.  A great book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman can help give guidance.  We often try to love people the way we want to be loved, instead of learning about the way they want to be loved.  The result is frustration:  Yours because they seem untouched by your actions of love; Theirs because they don't FEEL loved by you.  They speak a different love language.   This book helps you to identify their love language and how to speak it.

As a matter of fact, there are actually several different 5 Love Language books. Go to Amazon.Com and browse thru them.  You don't have to purchase the books.  Normally you can order the books through your local library's inter library loan program.  I just ran across one that I ordered from the library called "Things I wish I would have known before I got married" also by Gary Chapman.

Likewise, you need to be paying attention to how they treat you.  You want someone who will respect you even.... especially.... when it is an area that you two don't have in common. Learning about the 5 love languages enables you to identify what makes you feel loved.  It's just as important to learn about yourself as it is to learn about them.

And, lastly,  I think the most important thing is that we need to be so secure in knowing who we are that someone else loving us is just icing on the cake, not the cake itself.  Our self worth and self love is the cake. Loving yourself is the foundation to all.  A gentle, humble, yet solid self love gives you a quiet confidence that is enticing and beautiful.

You see, in any relationship you WILL run into those tough times; those times when you don't FEEL the love.  It is essential that you have enough love for yourself to have the strength to travel through those solitary times.

That same self love may also enable you to have a stable and rational outlook as to know when it's time to walk away from a destructive relationship.

I believe all of this information will help you whether you are in or out of a relationship.  Carve out some time  daily for yourself to focus on you and where you want to go.  Granted this can be more difficult if you are in a relationship and/or have children at home.  However, I feel loving yourself has to be a priority . If  you are truly wanting the best out of life for you and especially for your loved ones, you will do what it takes to find some time.

So...... LET"S DO THIS!

f we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them.

bell hooks

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

If we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them.

bell hooks

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”  C. JoyBell C.

People should accept being single, because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself, and learning who you are. Then when you get in a relationship, you will be stronger and have a little bit more self-awareness, self-love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship.

Lauren London

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

"People should accept being single because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself and learning who you are. Then when you're in a relationship you will be stronger and have a little bit more self awareness, self love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship."    Lauren London

The More I Learn, the Less I know.....

 “Spiritual maturity is moving from confident arrogance to thoughtful uncertainty” – Randall Arthur

I love to learn.  I love to read, research, question,  ponder, pray over, and to untangle subjects that intrigue me.  Most of all, my favorite thing is to listen to someone's story in hopes that somewhere in the telling, they can begin to unravel the threads of confusion and pain that have them bound.

 In my insatiable quest for knowledge, a curious thing has happened.  The thing that I have discovered is the more I learn, the less I know.  Each person, each situation is unique.  There is no "one size fit's all" answer.

Yes, as an outsider looking in, I may often think I have the very answer that would help them out of the hole they are in.   In fact, the solution could look SO simple that I am unable to understand how they could not see it themselves. The problem is, unless I am in their heart, mind, life, body, and spirit, I cannot even IMAGINE how to tell them to extricate themselves from the ties that bind.

I myself have been in many of those situations over my lifetime, and am in fact in one now.  If I told you about it, you would probably give me a look of amazed stupefaction because, to you, the answer is so self-evident.

What you do not know is what I have in my history.  You do not have the exact combination of experiences I have had that have led me to the habits and beliefs I have.  Even if you did, your perception of each situation would be solely yours. 

Indeed, there are many people out in this world that are so arrogant or so hardened they already have all the answers.  Those people most likely will not be caught up in indecision long enough to need to confide in you.  They will also be ones who think they have all of the answers for you AND everyone else, also!  This can be said of folks in Christian circles as well as of those who are not.

In my case it was some very well meaning Christian leaders that led me hopelessly astray and I am still unraveling the snarls that were caused to my perceptions and decision making.

I find myself unconsciously reverting to old principles and rules that are twisted and warped.  To me, THOSE things are natural and deep-seated as I was taught them in my "Christian Infancy".  Even when I broadened my horizons by listening to, and reading, other spiritual material, my view of things still had that tainted slant of my original teacher.  The contamination to my thinking still lingers.

For me, it is my experience with impaired religious teaching that often has me floundering in finding resolutions that may seem simple to others.  For you, it could be a sin or addiction, abuse, lack of healthy relationships, cultural beliefs, etc. that cause you to stumble and become bewildered as to how to use sound judgement.

I used to become rather scornful of others who allowed themselves to flounder and remain embroiled in situations that were consistently self defeating and painful.  The answers were so obvious!  Why did they keep complaining if they weren't going to try something different??!

Yeah.... I can have a pretty snotty, self righteous attitude if I'm not careful.....

For the past three years  I have been dealing with a dilemma that is completely baffling to me.  Advice I received was fairly consistent from person to person, and I DID try to enforce it..... only to find myself fail and fail again at following thru.  Why is it so difficult to heed their suggestions??!

Lately I have given up.... I have given up in trying to find a solution and have just prayed that God untangle things.  Yes, I follow my conscience and have not crossed any lines though I have skirted close a time or two.  I told God that I simply do not know what to do and I need Him to guide my steps.

As I have done this, things have began to come to light that allow me to relax and begin to develop a different view.... a different attitude.  While I am still confused as to what action to take, I have begun to relax.  No longer does shame and  the pressure of feeling forced to make a decision drive me.  This has brought more peace and clarity into my mind, heart, and spirit.

No, I didn't just give up but I did surrender.   I allowed myself to quit fighting to DO, to RESOLVE, to FIGURE OUT.   I allowed myself time to relax and turn to God admitting defeat.  I began to focus on today and the next decision in front of me instead of on trying to find a decisive direction.

Instead of offering advice, I often find myself saying  "This is how I see it, but I am not in your shoes.  Only you will know when you have reached the end of living this way.  It's then you will know something has to change for good.  At that time you will make the change or seek the help you need."

I guess it IS simple...  Recognize that accepting someone right where they are at is the best help we can be to them.  Acknowledge them as the precious and rare gift they are, even as you, once again, limp back with them through the same field of defeat and despair they have repeatedly traversed through.

It's being willing to truck with them through the cruddy swampland of healing they are blundering through.  And it IS a journey of healing.  Healing is not an overnight process, it is a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life. – Leon Brown

You never know, this pass through MIGHT just be the one where you or someone else finds that new road you've been seeking.  THIS time, that same rocky trail might just unexpectedly reveal a hidden path that you've never noticed before.  You take it and suddenly find yourself in a place of certainty and light.  You now know what to do.

Yes, more and more often I find myself confident of only this one thing:  The more I learn, the less I know.

You know what?  It's really not a bad place to be.  It means that there is now an infinite number of brilliantly hued ways that things can be resolved instead of just that black and white version we so often have.  And that's a good thing.... a place of hope.....

So are you willing to get your hands dirty?  Are you willing to travel with others down those craggy paths and around those jagged mountain bends of cramped, indecisive lockup?  Are you, yourself willing to relax and look around in wonder in all that you're learning while you are "incarcerated" by uncertainty and seeming ineffectiveness?

Ok then.... let's get this party started......

The future belongs to the few of us still willing to get our hands dirty.  Anonymous

Beauty Is an Essence..... part 2

“The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be The most important thing we ever learn about God-- He yearns for relationship with us. "  Staci Eldredge

I have been facing a great temptation for a long time now.  It is a situation that I had come to despise as a weakness I saw in others and could never imagine them letting even their thoughts go there.  I then became involved in a battle with that same temptation and my compassion and heartache for others has grown exponentially.  It has also helped me to more completely forgive others in my life who have caused me to suffer because they were unable to resist temptation.

Hmmmm....  Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that has been the purpose of this struggle.  It's to enable me to develop character "We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope."Romans 5:3   

Maybe it's time I do just that.... glory in my sufferings because it is strengthening me and growing me into a person who more closely resembles the beauty found in God.  I am germinating, stretching and unfurling like a fragrant, gorgeous flower sent to enhance lives and encourage others to delight in this thing we call life.  (Yes, I did sit here daydreaming of myself swirling around in a sunlit field, the folds of a gossamer gown unfolding and flowing as I twirled....  I've told you that I can be a bit meladramatic.... haha)

No, I'm not loving this suffering but I can change my attitude about how I view it.  I can ask God to enable to see the amazing things that are being developed in me, and as these things develop, I will see my inner peace grow.  How amazing is that?!  I am transforming into someone who can bless the world but in the process I'm receiving the biggest gift of all!  Peace.....

You are a flower.... you are unique, beautiful, creative and amazing....  As you relax and allow God to happen through you, instead of trying to make Him happen.... the most spendiforous things will begin to take root in you.  Relaxing into God... allowing your trust to grow.... will cause transformation in you that you never believed possible.  

Like a flower, you will continue to transform and evolve through the layers of soil,  the rains, the hurricanes, the blazing heat, and the gentle sun as a natural result of your growing trust in Him.  The flower seed does not grunt, groan, push and make things happen.  Things happen naturally in response to the crap... uh.... I mean fertilizer.... it receives, as well as the tending, watering and light it receives.

Relax.... quit trying so hard to develop as a Christian woman of character and begin to enjoy this journey and all it has to offer.   The more you relax and enjoy, the more you will come to recognize and appreciate each layer, each triumph, and yes.... even each trial.  I deliberately use the word trial here instead of struggle because it is my hope that I will learn to trust Him with each situation to the point where I no longer feel like I'm struggling, just surrendering to Him.

Will that ever happen in my lifetime?  I don't know but I can hope can't I?!  

Relax today and begin imagining what it is like to be loved right where you are, for who you are today.  If you face a situation in which you don't know what to do, try to imagine how you would handle it if you knew you were completely loved today.... if you could completely trust today.....  After all, it's all about today- this day, this hour, this moment.... 

Quit trying to figure out tomorrow and let your essence be a fragrance that anoints this day and everyone in it.  After all, you are perfectly and utterly loved just for who you are.....  And have fun!

“She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me..."   Antoine de Saint-Exupery  

*I borrowed quotes from a spectacular book called  "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul 

*conformity - compliance or acquiescence; obedience;  action in accord with prevailing "religious" standards, attitudes, practices, etc.

 

Beauty Is An Essence.... part 1

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.” Staci Eldredge

During my time with a ministry that taught rigid *conformity, I was taught MANY rules.  A major one was the concept of "letting go".  In other words, we were to quit emotionally "holding on" to the things that meant the most to us.

The thing this ministry failed to effectively communicate was that following a principle just because "it was the right thing to do" was basically ineffective.

You see, the truth is that it's not only about outwardly doing the right thing.  It's more about an inner change... a change in our hearts.  For each of us that is an individual process which produces a beauty "that is core to who we truly are."

It is a beauty that has little to do with how we look on the outside, but is a glorious reflection of the inner essence of who we are.....  Whether you're spiritual or not, it's a beauty that only time and experience can cultivate in you.

So often, following principles, whether it be from a book or religious teachings, just to achieve a desired result can be useless.  Yes, it can be a start but you must recognize that it can't end there.

Look deeper and recognize that transformation comes from within.  If not, one can become a phony, a hollowed out husk focused on the outer shell, instead of  a grace filled woman who blesses others with the glow of her inner light.

Why can some people adopt a principle and immediately see amazing results?  Who knows....   Could it be that their hearts are sincerely able to embrace the ability to do "the right thing" in blind faith, believing the outcome is "meant to be"?  What about those of us who can't seem to do that?

This verse comes to mind "These people make a big show of saying the right thing but their heart isn’t in it." Matthew 15:8   

I believe that we can follow principles and rules all day long, but if we do it just for a desired result  it's all lip service. I believe it must come out of simply trusting God with any outcome that happens, I think it is there where I have had some confusion.... I have manipulated principles, whether from scripture or how to books, to achieve the results I wanted without letting them do an inner transformation.

Does this make me a heathen pharisee, as some religious teachers imply?  People who clean up on the outside yet remain filthy on the inside?  I truly, truly do not believe so.  It makes me improperly instructed, and, at times, totally clueless as to what the truth is.  Am I blaming others for this?  A bit, I guess, though I now know a huge portion of responsibility rests with me.  I should have trusted my conscience and my inner instincts more.

Hosea 4:6 says "My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge..."   

Like me, you can take this verse fearfully to heart.  You can religiously began to acquire knowledge like I did.  I spent hundreds of hours listening to countless speakers, read many Christian motivational books, and read the Bible extensively.  

I put into effect the many truths and principles that I was taught only to find myself more confused, more anxiety ridden, and more fearful.  I experienced more heartache and felt further from God than I ever did, before I gained all of this instruction and direction.

In my experience, following all the rules others create has turned my life upside down.  Yes, it is good to gain knowledge.  It is good to read those how to manuals.   However, it is even more crucial, more glorious, to gain knowledge about who you are, and to embrace yourself, imperfections and all.

For those who are Christians, it is even more about gaining personal knowledge of our Lord.... of who He is....  His nature..... His love.....  For us, that is the key piece of knowledge that everything else hinges on.  That is the foundation.

Corinthians 13 in the Message is one of my absolute favorite passages in the Bible.   It talks about love and what it looks like... no... not looks like, but what it is....  It ends with this verse, "But for right now... until that completeness... we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love...."

See.... without love all else is worthless.  Without first establishing a foundation of love with God, maybe it's our minds and not our hearts that are engaged.

Some of the most perfect displays of love I see come from the most imperfect people.  They simply love God and others purely and unconditionally.

Maybe a million other things are not right in their lives, according to our rules. However, with love as the foundation, I've seen  rough areas of their life start to smooth out simply as an unconscious, heartfelt response to God's love.

Again, this isn't some principle that you can slap on like a cheap suit and mark it "done" on your check list.  As a matter of fact, this isn't something that you can "make work" at all.  It's a simple relaxing into a relationship with Him....

RELAX!  Ask HIM to make His love  real in your heart.  Ask HIM each day to simply show you His love and to enable you to believe it.  You can't manufacture it, so quit trying so hard.   HE has to be the one to make it real in you.

Don't get worried, frustrated or impatient that it may take you too long to "get it".  Try to stop doubting that you will....   After all, it's not you but HIM that will make the "knowledge" or "awareness" of Him unfold in you.   He delights in spending a lifetime showing you His never ending love.

Sit back and enjoy the journey.  You are in for the ride of a life time.....

 WAR DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO'S RIGHT...only who is left...

"No one can persuade another to change.  Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside.  We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal." Marilyn Ferguson

I read this quote today and it really spoke to where I am at right now.  I know with my head that I cannot change others.  BUT I still have a tendency to try....

I am beginning to recognize that most people I know have mental and emotional anguish that comes from their efforts to change another;  usually their husband, family member, friend or significant other.

As I listen to the hurt and anger spill out, I see the sheer folly of how they are handling situations.  They are trying to force someone else to adjust to their expectations.  I feel hopeless for them and want to shout "It ain't gonna work, girlfriend!"

In trying to change another, we will beat our heads against a brick wall, pushing to get our own way. We use nagging, whining, tears, anger, hurt, accusations, and even bribery to get what we want, all to no avail.  Try doing that then stand back and watch a barricade form between you and your adversary.  It becomes a game of "freeze out" or "I'll show you"  No one wins when there's a standoff... 

I'm not pointing fingers; I'm one of those who has used those tactics often.  The difference is I now KNOW how greatly it damages the relationship.  Why do I still do it?  Because it's an ingrained knee jerk reaction I have, dad gum it!  I will say that I'm very thankful to be able to say it's a reflex that is decreasing as I choose to react in love.... as I look for the good instead of the bad. 

As a side note I want to just throw a little tidbit about the difference between men and women in here: a lot of men have a tendency to pull away when they feel defensive, unlike we women who tend to lean forward... to want to talk it out.... to cling...  The more you push, the more they pull away.  When a man becomes defensive, he may often instinctively react with anger.  Your attitude, approach, and timing is everything!

Why do we get so offended?  Why do we get so frustrated and hurt?

Expectations.... We have expectations of others based on our beliefs; based on how we feel we deserve to be treated.  When those expectations aren't meant, well, we're just gonna gear up for battle!  We feel we have the right to spew out those poisonous arrows of hurt feelings and those acid drenched feelings of injustice!

Are we right in feeling this way?  Sometimes..... sometimes not. But let me ask you this:  Do you want to be right, or do you want to be left....?  

Often we have feelings of expectations that are soooo unreasonable.  It is not up to you to dictate someone treat you exactly as you decree.  They are as unique and valuable as you!  They are changing, growing, and struggling to stay afloat in their own lives, just like you.  Look for their good qualities and give them some grace for where they don't measure up to your "standards".

You cannot expect others to "complete" you or do be who you want them to be.   If you have the tendency to want to do that, don't put yourself down in any way shape or form!  BUT please do  recognize that in yourself and attempt to give you and others a break from the chaos and pain those expectations can cause.

Please do not heave the responsibility on others shoulders to indulge or fix that expectation you have.  You can't require others to fill in the blanks... the emptiness.... in you.  If you live that way, you will be hurt as well as hurt others.  You will leave a trail of damaged and destroyed relationships behind you.  

Find a hobby.  Pursue your passion.  Catch up on your reading.  Go out and minister to others.  Volunteer.  There is so much you can do instead of focusing on how others fail you.  Believe me, I know this is hard to do when it comes to your marriage.  Sometimes there are serious issues that need addressed, and I encourage you to seek help to resolve the conflict.  However, often it is simply that we need to allow them to be themselves.

Even if you  honestly do have the right to be offended in a certain situation, I'm here to tell you that I feel your attitude and approach is the most important factor with anyone.  Wait to address the issue until the emotions have dissipated, then kindly bring up how you feel instead of nagging, complaining, and accusing.  Use your "I feel" instead of "You always".

There is too much for me to relay here but if you truly want to turn your relationships around.... if you truly want to change the never ending cycle of arguments.... If you insist that something different has to be done... then you are right.  There DOES have to be change.

Hold on! Hold on! Wait a minute before you get too excited.  Guess where change has to start?  With you.... Yes, you cannot change the other person, so who can you change?  Only You......

There are many books, seminars, classes and studies that can educate you on how to cultivate healthier relationships.  I know.... I've read the books and attended the classes.  And in each of them what do you think the common denominator is?  Who do you have to start with?  You.....

So what do you say?  Do you want to keep waddling around in your hostile suit of armor, keeping your sword spit shined, leaving rubble piles of relationships strewn behind you?

Let me ask you another question:  Do you feel like you have no control? Well, you're right.... you have no control.... over other people, that is.  But you do have the ability to learn to control yourself.  It starts with a true heart change in you; a desire to be the best you that you can be without expecting anyone else to change... ever.....

You may not like hearing this but, if you are changing just to try to get someone else to change, you will most likely be severely disappointed.  People can sense your manipulation and agenda a mile away and it will not be a pretty scent that you leave behind.

That said,  "Nobody can change a person, but someone can be the reason for a person to change..." Anonymous  While you are focused on transforming yourself, you may turn around and find others are changing in response to your progression toward learning to live a life of quality, peace, and love..

To sum it up, this isn't about others.  This is about you.  If you are not happy, CHANGE IT!  That does not usually mean dumping the person you are having difficulty with.  Change the way you treat others.... change the way you view their imperfections.... change the expectations you have for others.  

I'm telling you from experience, girl.... Without working on you first, you will normally run into the same problems again and again throughout life, in other relationships; you will NEVER feel content and fulfilled.  Quit looking to others to make you happy and make a difference in your own life today!

What you are not hearing me say is that you aren't good enough just the way you are.  However, if you want peace and healthy relationships with yourself and others, do what you would like others to do for you;  grow.... evolve.... transform..... forgive..... learn to love unconditionally.

I said love unconditionally: I didn't say love without boundaries.  Accept others where they are, and develop an understanding of the boundaries you may need to set to stay safe and healthy.  If you are in a physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive situation, please seek help and guidance.  You may be too confused and battle weary to use sound judgement.

Relax, enjoy this journey, and be kind to yourself.  Learning to love unconditionally starts with loving your self, then flows out to others. It's almost impossible to give true love when you won't receive it.   Embrace who you are today, knowing that you are learning, growing, and stretching.  You are amazing!

What do you say?  Are you up for the challenge?  Are you up to beginning to allow change to happen in you? Then start today!

"With genuine caring, I encourage you to open the gate of change and growth...  Be patient with yourself.  Self growth is tender.... it's holy ground...."   Stephen R. Covey

*I've mentioned that an experience or something I've read will snag my attention and inspire a blog.  I'm reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change" by Stephen R. Covey.  That is where I read the opening quote above.  I mention these things to give credit where credit is due, and in case you may be interested in reading it.  In my opinion, this is a great book!

I WANT IT NOW!....

How many of you remember Veruka Salt from the movie Willie Wonka?  If you don't, I've put a little clip at the bottom to remind you.....

Our class mentor, Dan, shared a concept with us called "The Spoiled Child Syndrome" that we adults seem to have.  It's a sense that we deserve something.

We work hard so don't we deserve this promotion..... that house.... this husband.... that recognition... that compliment... that bag of chocolates....  Mmm-mmm-mmmm.... girl.... I see that in myself.....

Oh I can cover it up pretty durn good with a great "martyr" act.  In other words, I get on my high horse and take the lofty road of long suffering piety.  After all, don't I choose to do the right thing? .... on the outside anyway.  In fact, I can be so good at playing the martyr that I even fool myself.

Yes, I sincerely try to make right choices, all the while ignoring that inner adolescent that is screaming "I WANT IT NOW!" (as if ignoring her will make her go away.  Not!) 

Now, I know this is a common human tendency. However, if I want to become someone who is transparent.... who is congruent..... the same on the inside as I am on the outside, then I might want to take a little time to acknowledge there is a bit of an issue here.

I'm not going to beat myself up, yet I do feel that sharp sting of remorse when I discover I have been  marching along with that repulsive attitude. That I have been grandly and graciously tipping my head at the little people who are not as perfected as me in martyrdom.... Those self indulgent, clueless hacks in my world that are unskilled in laboring so mightily at properly serving ME... the bravely suffering saint....

Alas, they fail me so greatly.... sigh... oh woe is me.....  But I must continue to valiantly forge ahead, being the faithful heroine of my own story.... since no one else is going to do it!..... (Sheila mournfully moans as she throws herself back to languish on her plump pillows of self pity, eyes closed, one hand theatrically thrown up to her perspiring brow.....)  Hahaha!  Sorry.... I DO have the tendency to be a teensy melodramatic!

I looked in the mirror recently and saw the face of Miss Molly Martyr looking back at me.  It took the wind out of my sails.... it felt like I was punched in the gut because I had been living like this for years, in a certain situation.... it was ugly.....

Internally it was like I suddenly went rigid with shock and disbelief when faced with that ugly little Veruka in me.  WHA..!  HOW...!  WHO....!  I never saw her hiding in there, creeping around in my heart like this tiny  little termite eroding the very foundation of truth, transparency and honesty that I was attempting to build in myself.

To be honest, I didn't know what to do.  It was like everything in me went limp in defeat and I simply...did... not.... know.... what.... to.... do.  I hadn't even sensed that nasty little critter was scurrying around so how was I going to repair the damage that had been unknowingly done?

For me personally, I did the only thing I knew to do.  I went to prayer and quietly whispered "Help. I don't know where to go from here...."

There was no trying to figure it out.  That causes too much confusion and I was already confused enough.  I just simply needed to sit and be...  Be remorseful..... be lost.... be still.....   After a while a peace came in and I knew that I could move forward, grateful that my inner Veruka and my outer Mother Theresa could finally meet and be honest with each other.

A few days later Dr. Dan mentioned The Spoiled Child Syndrome and I identified with it perfectly.  I was then able to catch a glimpse of why I had been one person on the inside and another on the out.  I was trying to do the right things... at least I WANTED to do the right things..... so didn't I deserve my treat!  I WANT IT NOW!

It was a moment of freedom for me.  It helped me to identify just how little Veruka found a home embedded in my spirit.  For me, I did feel like I worked hard to make the right choices in life, so didn't I deserve to have my desired treat, even if it wasn't good for me...?  Or maybe not the right time for me to have it.....?

Do you ever feel you have a little Veruka running around in you?  On the outside you are acting one way, while on the inside total anarchy is going on?

I feel a great peace in at last identifying that obnoxious spoiled little whippersnapper in myself.  I don't feel the need to paddle her because she honestly did not recognize the misbehavior in herself, and she was sincerely sorry once she did. 

I'm not sure how this will play out but I will tell you that once I recognized the tendency to play "martyr", it was like a healing began.  There is a peace and understanding toward myself and others that wasn't there before.

When you can recognize and acknowledge a pattern of wrong thinking, it seems to lose it's power over you.  Yes, it takes awhile to mop up the residue it leaves behind, but now there is often a feeling of tranquility as you serenely begin to unwind the snarls of self deception.

What is happening is your character is changing.  YOU are changing from the inside out instead of from the outside in.  It's a common misconception so many of us have.  We focus on making the outside look proper, when really we should be focusing on our inner selves.... our internal thoughts.... our motives.

As you do this, please.... PLEASE.... be kind to yourself.  Love yourself.  You are unique!  You are wonderful! You are amazing!  Celebrate that you have matured enough to recognize Miss Veruka Salt in you, so now you can take her by the hand and love her to wholeness....  I said LOVE her, not beat her about the head and shoulders! 

All of us can fall into the martyr trap, and probably will, on more than one occasion in our lives.   Just recognize it,  forgive yourself, and love yourself through it.  You're learning...  Life is a journey, some times great, sometimes not so great.  Embrace it!  It's what makes you, YOU!

The Green Eyed Monster....

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud....

jeal.ous.y

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness..

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

I really long to see the "fruits of the spirit" bearing a harvest in me. Girl... I mean I REALLY long for it.

Regardless if you believe in a higher power or not, what if you could be patient, kind, not jealous, boastful, or proud, not irritable?  What if you kept no record of being wronged,  did not rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the truth wins out?  

What if you could believe that love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.... ?  If these attributes naturally flowed out of you, wouldn't life be so much easier... so much more peaceful?!

I do see a great maturing in these characteristics in my life, however one I have struggled with is jealousy. You know what, I think I may have been in an unnecessary wrestling match with it. I have let it remain a bigger opponent than it truthfully is.

In most things I am not jealous, however I know when it comes to a romantic area, jealousy could rear it's ugly head or at least ignite into a slow simmer.  I have believed  I am to totally snuff that out and not allow any particle of it to flicker in me before I can consider myself a victor in this area.

BUT what if it is normal to have  "mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc?"  What if is is normal to have "vigilance in maintaining or guarding something?"

What if it's how we choose to act that is the issue... that show's our maturity...?  Interesting and curious concept....

The first thing to do is acknowledge it.  If we ignore it, hide it, and crush it down, I believe it is then that it can grow into "jealous resentment against a rival...a person enjoying success or advantage."  

In myself, I have developed the belief that I need to beat those feelings of jealousy down with an ugly stick, wrap them up in a dirty tarp and hide them in the closet so no one will know they exist in our relationship.  

However, the more I do that, the more difficult it becomes to keep the carcass from becoming a huge, smelly ogre.  The resentment seems to grow and get uglier when hidden away, and actually seems to flourish in the darkness of secrecy.  

I have begun to look at jealousy with curious eyes.... I want to get acquainted with it's truth; I want a chance to learn more about this nasty little creature and what makes him tick.... what makes him manageable.

I prayed over the topic then did what most people consider the practical thing:  I googled jealousy.  I found that most people agree it is a normal thing, and it is how you handle it that determines the power it has.  I ran across a marvelous quote that says  "Manipulation comes from self-centeredness that is willing to hurt another person."  

I agree!  Jealousy makes us willing to hurt another to get what we want, or to get an outcome or reaction we want.  Manipulation is a very real method of acting upon this willingness.

In my experience I found hidden jealousy can become stronger, and eventually lead toward a willingness to hurt someone to get what we want.  What we want may even be evidenced by us lashing out to hurt someone like we are hurting.... to "get even" with them.  The cold, bitterness resentful jealousy brings can push us to want others to hurt like we hurt.

So... once we acknowledge these feelings of jealousy, how do we address them?

I recently faced this crisis of jealousy.  I acknowledged to myself a jealousy.... a coveting,  a wanting of something more from a certain relationship, than I could have.... but not until it started to get ugly.  I then realized I no longer wanted to hide the tumultuous emotions.  Does that mean I allow them to "all hang out?" Do I let the green eyed little bugger out of its' cage??  Uh.... no.... That didn't quite seem a comfortable fit either.

As I pondered this, a delighted understanding came to me when I recognized that I did not want to indulge or react to the reflex to display these emotions.  Allowing them to run wild no longer feels natural to me.  Eureka!  A sign of maturity!

So what do we do when faced with jealousy?  I don't feel there is any one cut and dried solution, as no two instances... no two people....are alike.

I believe it depends on the situation, on the depth of a relationship, and dare I say it..... motives.

Do you ever have situations where you feel unable to express yourself when faced with a need to confront someone?  Do you feel unable to?  I occasionally do.  Why? Because of a rigid belief I have that I am not to confront others.  A belief that I am "not allowed" to express myself .  That it is inappropriate to open up.  That my words could cause an avalanche of chaos, hurt someone, or cause discomfort .  My "in the box" thinking hinders me
.
I have been on a journey of critical thinking.... of observing my beliefs in me and asking "Is this how I truly believe or is this a learned belief.  Why do I think the way I think?"   In other words, it it my true belief or did my upbringing, experiences, or society establish this belief?

Why do I believe I can't be open about things?  Why am I so rigid in my thinking?  I recognize it's because I have somehow received that message from the church.  Again....Is it what I personally believe? Hmmm.... interesting question.  I'm going to take a moment to ponder this.

I have to say no... I don't share that view because of my experiences in life and because no two situations are alike  Why cover things with a blanket of uniformity.... approach each dilemma as the unique, singular experience it is.  So often things aren't black and white, instead they are a vast array of colors and shades.

I have a situation that is definitely one that will take continued time, thought, and, for me, prayer, before I move forward.  I have to examine my motives, the depth of the relationship, and appropriateness.  No, I'm not in a pleasant predicament but I truly believe that each trial we face is an opportunity to learn and grow.  I am eager at that thought of exploring yet another phase some relationships face, but am aware that discretion, wisdom, and love needs to be prominently and liberally sprinkled over this garden of growth.

Experience is not what happens to a woman.  It is what a woman does with what happens to her....  ~Aldous Leonard

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Aristotle

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_jealousy.html#T14ReWtv3zOAKWqL.99

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Aristotle

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_jealousy.html#T14ReWtv3zOAKWqL.99

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Aristotle

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_jealousy.html#T14ReWtv3zOAKWqL.99

A Hot Mess...

 Lately I've been thinking about updating the layout of my blog.  I've been looking at the blogs of others and noticing the clean, simple lines of their site... the tidy tabs at the top, organizing subjects.

Then I come back and look at mine.  Clean?  Simple? Black and white?  sigh.....

My title says it all.... Mess....  The background is a delightful chaotic spill of girly colors.  The font of my title is in childlike balloon letters.

My favorite blogs and reads are crammed and crunched over to one side of the page.  There is also some powerful editing that needs to be done to make things an easier read.  I'm working on it.... I'll get there.... eventually....  Maybe....

As I pondered over how to address these issues today, my mind drifted to a post on a friend's blog I read last night.  This line stands out at the moment "individuality is suppressed and outward expression of uniqueness is erased." (Thanks *Rebecca!)   Wow.... I've been there and everything in me fights against it today.  Thus my helter-skelter layout and way of looking at life....

For a time, when living in religious conformity, I forced myself to live in a black and white world.  There were no shades of grey, and definitely no kaleidoscope of fun, girly colors splashed around in my spiritual life. 

I may often sound like a broken record through out my writings on this blog, as I often touch on the same subjects; uniqueness, relationship instead of religion, love instead of control and punishment, quotes to clarify what I'm trying to say.  Lots of quotes.....

As I look back at last years posts, yes.... I do still see a lot of religiousity in them but I also see the liberal splashes of truth and growth scattered throughout.  Like a seed finally sown in good soil I'm beginning to flourish....

This has not been a neatly organized, tidy, ladylike process for me.  I have come out of the box of rigidly organized religion kicking, screaming and running like my hair is on fire.  It has NOT been clean and simple.  Every day I continue to get caught on the brambles of uncertainty and indecision.  It find's me asking myself  "Am I straying too far.... Am I pushing the boundaries of grace just a little too much?"

I have reached a point where I am tired of fear.  My friends tell me when I feel afraid, it means I'm not ready to move forward.  I have begun to believe that it can very well be a time when God is saying "Fear is not of me.... go ahead.... I've got your back!"

Yes, my blog layout may be colorful, cramped and untidy in places, full of chaotic thoughts, and... well.... just a hot mess.  But that is me right now..... a hot mess.  And you know what?  I'm learning to love the explosion of colors that are blasting out of the tightly closed crate I hid them in.

Look at your life.... Do you often feel a desire to be carefree again?  To take risks again?   Do you feel giggles escaping at inappropriate times?  Do you feel the need to slip on your capri's and flip flops, grab a book and a glass of iced tea and wander down to the lake shore, instead of doing those chores you know just have to be done?

Don't be ashamed or condemned because of your very real human reactions and desires.  Yes, we have to be responsible in how we handle things... we can't hurt ourselves or others.... but we can acknowledge what is just true in the moment.

However it is that you want to step out of the box, maybe you should try it even if it feels uncomfortable.  However you want to splash those vibrant colors inside you onto that black and white canvas of life, do it!

Do you want to take a class? Do it!  Do you want to write a book? Do it!  Do you want to let your hair down and just be you?  Do it!  Do you want to volunteer somewhere? Do it! Do you want to have a slumber party with your grown up friends and just feel youthful for a night? Do it!  Do you need to seek counsel to get rid of baggage from your past?  Do it now!  Don't wait another day!

Yes, we do have to be that responsible grown up a lot of the time.  However, please do let that dreamer.... that silly heart.... come out and play occasionally.  And whether you do it in a neatly organized fashion or in a full blown disarray of child like abandon, just do it!  Start today!

 ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* ★¨`*• ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* ★¨`*• ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* 
 Check out *Rebecca's amazing blog!  thepresentmom.blogspot.com

It IS About You....

"It's not about you...."  Oh razzberries!   I'm here to say "You know what?  It IS about you!"

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse here but I felt the need to continue where I left off in my last post.

Until you know who you are... what your purpose is... to love you for you.... imperfections and all....you will not fully know how to love others.

How many of you have searched in vain to "figure out" what your purpose it, only to remain frustrated and clueless to this day?  Do you want to know the secret??!

Sorry to disappoint, but I have no hard and fast rules, principles or formulas for you to follow.  As a matter of fact, I discourage those things.

Instead of bringing freedom, rigidly followed principles and formulas can actually cause you to put your situation in a box and to become unimaginative in your thinking.  You may be unable to see other options when there are absolutely limitless possibilities!

“I think you will agree that life's plans are not always tied up in neat little packages. Occasionally we find ourselves at unexpected crossroads with more than one opportunity from which to choose." - Linda Lee Chaikin, Tomorrow's Treasure   

That said, on this blog I will often share with you moments that were turning points for me.  One of those moments, a moment that offered freedom, was when I was given permission to make mistakes while walking that road to discover my purpose.  Have I found it yet?  It feels like I may have, but only time will tell.

How will you find yours?  I can't tell you.  It's a unique, one of a kind, exciting adventure that only you can explore. 

Quit fixating on the outcome.  Delight in your journey instead of focusing so hard on your destination.  Allow things to unravel at their own pace and trust all you are learning will only add to your story. 

I began to search myself for what I love to do... what my heart yearned to do...  I bounced around from idea to idea.  As I said in my  last post, I thought I was to look "out there" and focus on helping others, instead of looking "inside me" and focus on what fulfilled me.

I'm blessed to be part of a small group that focuses on encouraging each other, and of increasing our knowledge of who we and each other are.  It is from them that I received direction when I was asked "You are creative.   How can you use that creativity?"  More than one said they saw my writing as my passion.

Search yourself to discover what you love to do, but also ask friends what they see as your gift... your passion.

Along the way I discovered something.  I'm learning trust of myself and others.... trust that I'm making progress even when it doesn't look like it.  I'm discovering a strength and resilience in myself that I didn't know existed.  I'm beginning to admire my willingness to take leaps of faith even if I occasionally find myself dangling from a tightrope of unpredictability.

What I have discovered is, for me, when I write I am totally zoned out to all else.  I LOVE digging and delving into my creative side and being allowed to express my observations that are ready to bubble over at any given time.  Here they come! Ready or not!

It's a place where I need no one else but also a place where my passion, my purpose, can reach out and touch others.  It's focusing on doing what I love, it's focusing on me and my journey, and it can then be used to encourage others.

See how that works?  I focused on me... on taking the time to discover who I was... to love me.... and to find out what I love to do for me... write.  It's because I focused on me that I can then begin to allow that to flow into encouraging others.

So you see, it IS about you.  It IS about putting you first even though we are taught the exact opposite through out life.

I am not talking about selfishness here.  A way to be truly successful in love is to study the ones you care for.  Learn what makes them tick.  Learn what they want... what their dreams are.... what makes them feel satisfied, loved and complete.  Shouldn't we extend the same courtesy to ourselves first?

Give yourself and the people in your life an invaluable gift:  invest in the time to discover who you are, what you love, what feeds your passion... learn to love yourself.  Recognize what a unique gift you are to this world and to the people in it.

Are you not sure what you love... what your passion is?  Well, pick one.  Any one...  Make a choice and go for it.  Trust that God will guide your steps.  Even if you do not see yourself as a spiritual person, trust your inner instincts that say "mmm.... not feelin' it", or "this is the way, walk in it."

Most of all, don't take it so serious.  Relax, enjoy, have fun.... Don't consider any dead end a failure,... consider it learning... an investment in yourself and your future.  You can google "inventors that failed miserably before sucess" and find countless stories.  Here is one phenomenal story of rags to riches:

"Today he rakes in billions from merchandise, movies and theme parks around the world, but he had a bit of a rough start. He was fired by a newspaper editor because, "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." After that, he started a number of businesses that didn't last too long and ended with bankruptcy and failure. He kept plugging along, however, and eventually found a recipe for success that worked."  Who was he?  Walt Disney....

What?!  Lacked imagination???  Let that encourage you!  Don't be afraid to fail... and fail.... and fail again.  As a matter of fact, I don't like the word "fail".  Instead I prefer to see it as a curve in the road that is guiding me away from what won't work and directing me closer to what does.

If you, like me, need someone to tell you "It's ok to spend time focusing on yourself", well, I'm giving you permission right now.  It's ok to invest in yourself.  As a matter of fact, it makes the world a better place when you do because it is then that it can become about others.

It's ok to love you for you.....

The Aroma of Freedom.....

 "I was realizing that True love grows out of a deep inner strength which comes from knowing who you are.

True love grows out of the certainty and confidence of knowing your purpose, your design. And from being alive inside..

The knowledge that I had a reason to “be” became more powerful than rejection…than the realization that someone was not right for me… than criticism…than hurt…than loss…

It set me free to live my life, even alone, because there was something more important than being in a relationship."Bernice McDonald

I love sharing bits of truth I run across with friends.  I hope it's ok that I consider you my friend and want to share things I read, hear, lean and discover about life and myself with you.

I am not a professional blogger, writer, teacher or encourager.  However,  I do enjoy doing those things.   What you read here comes from a heart that is learning.... that is becoming open and healed and eager to share my journey with you; one who hopes to hear about yours.

I feel as if my spirit is standing, arms spread wide, head thrown back, breathing in an intoxicating aroma that I recognize as freedom.....  Could that possibly be what that sweet fragrance is...?

There has been a major, all out attack on my beliefs.... on how I view my purpose.  I have been seeing my purpose as focusing on others "out there";  I was to be "out there" coming alongside the hurting .  

Yes, how I live out my purpose will benefit others but what feeds me?.....my spirit?  What brings me the most enjoyment?   I would have to say it is writing.

I feel a peace, a rightness, and a deep satisfaction when writing.  To borrow a corny phrase from the movie Jerry McGuire, "It completes me." 

 It doesn't matter whether I am journaling, blogging, writing an email or furiously scribbling an angry letter....  I love communicating this way.  In recognizing this,  I feel some.... some.... inner knowing that wasn't there before.  

Can I be honest here?  Confessing that makes me feel... well, silly.  I am the "Queen of Flights of Fancy", living at the corner of Scattered Thoughts Street and Utter Chaos Road.  Who am I to think I can lasso my stampeding herd of  hysterical logic and turn it into oh so perfectly penned prose?  (Whew! Say that fast three times!)

Will anything come of it?  Will anyone 'get it"?  Who knows.  That doesn't take away from the fact that I love it.

In conversation yesterday, when talking about my desire for a relationship, I explained that I did not NEED someone but I WANTED someone to share this journey of helping others... someone to hold my hand.  

The question was put to me "What brings you the most enjoyment?"  It's writing. "Do you see someone holding your hand while you're writing?"  

Uh...No.....  It's something I get lost in and I don't want anyone else there.  I don't need anyone else...."  Wha...? What did I just say?!

In saying that, it was like I could feel, and even SEE, enlightenment.

My focus went from "out there" and wanting someone to hold my hand in that journey, to "in me" and feeling an inner stabilizing... a gratifying peace.  There was a sudden feeling of freedom.  There is a sense that life will be phenomenal with or without a relationship.  

Will I view things differently tomorrow?  Next week?  I don't know but it seems like something has changed..... I hope permanently...

Today I ran across an offer for free books.  My eyes glanced at, and dismissed, a book titled "Never Give Up on True Love" by Bernice McDonald.  A romance novel?  Not for me.

I swear I felt a little nudge that said "look again."  Maybe it was the Mexican food I had for lunch doing a little rumba,  but I think not....  

The book was NOT a romance novel.  It was a true story written from the heart of a woman who had loved and lost, and continued to lose. It was a story of how, through brokenness, she discovered God's purpose for her in the mess she called life.

I immediately began to read it and have continued to do so throughout the day.  I literally felt a small jolt in my spirit when I read the words that I began this post with.

That's me! That's how I feel today!!!  And I hope it continues to grow and develop into a full fledged outpouring of the authentic me.

This has been what my last two years of praying, hoping, growing, learning,  inner struggle and grasping at the elusive strands of change have been all about;  It's about knowing who I am... really... knowing my purpose and design..... knowing I have a reason to "be".....  to experience freedom.

Could it be that I am finally getting it?!  That I'm finally seeing the truth?  I don't know but for tonight.... just for tonight.... I'm going to believe, just believe that my focus has finally shifted.

I don't think this book could have come at a more perfect time. Does she get a guy in the end?  I dunno know.  You'll have to read it...  Let me close by using one more quote from Bernice.... one that captures my thoughts in a nutshell:

 "I am discovering the incredible magic that comes to your life when you begin to meet your own needs....".          Oh yeah...........

*A big thanks to Kim for being the wonderfully wise woman that asked me the question that enabled things to finally click into place in my spirit, because I sure wasn't grasping it in my head!  Luv ya, friend.....