These words were said to me this week by someone I care for very much. She was talking about the choices she would make if she ended her current relationship.
She opened up the door to talk about God, and I simply said "God loves you just as you are. If and when you're ready, ask Him to show you who He is."
It just burns my biscuits that so many of us, in our religiousity, put that belief out there- That belief that says "To be a Christian, you have to change." Often I feel that can drive a wedge between God and so many that are already hurting. I know this because I've experienced it.
Will change come about when one becomes a Christian? Well, sure.... But normally not from us trying to do it ourselves. When change comes it is the wonder and power of God at work. We just come as we are.
In the video for the song "Come as you are" (see below) there is an amazing quote that says "Before trying to offer people a helping hand, Jesus listened first for their hurting heart." Wow.... If we could just take the minutes, hours, days and years to listen to someone's hurting heart instead of trying to "fix them", what sort of difference could that make in the lives of others? When it comes to addressing a situation with someone, I hope it is my heart that speaks the loudest, not my flapping gums.
My point is, I feel I am developing an understanding... an ability to differenciate between "tolerance for sin", and "showing grace/love". I am not shouting "It's ok to sin. Do whatever you want." Instead I am quietly whispering "I love you for you, right where you are."
I know the benefits of this because it is what has been the biggest factor in deepening my trust and love for God. When I feel that I have to change... that I'm not good enough just as I am.... I resist. If I don't resist it could be because I feel I have to "obey or else". Resentment begins to ooze through me and my naughty inner child throws a tantrum like no other, stomping her feet in a petulant snit. It is through practicing radical acceptance of myself and of others, that I find some semblance of contentment.... of peace. When I'm walking in unacceptance, then I'm cantankerous.
Yeah... I occasionally come to a point where there is no other choice in a relationship but to confront an issue head on. No, this is not a particularly pleasant task. For me, the attitude with which someone approaches me is everything. I try to approach others with the same kindness, tenderness, understanding, concern and care that I would want extended to me.
Unfortunately, sometimes that little angst ridden teenager we all have inside will bust out of the gate and demand someone change to fit our view of what they should be. I just try to grab that little sucker by the hand and reign her in before she can whip her too uptight self into a frenzy. Whew! Anyone got a spanky spoon?!
If I do reach a point in a relationship where I feel comfortable giving unsolicited advice or needing to face an issue, I attempt to choose my words carefully and use great wisdom, attempting to not trample on their feelings.
I guess what I am saying here is love deep, laugh often, listen always, advise others sparingly.... I saw a quote recently that really spoke to me. "You cannot change someone but you can be the person they want to change for." I feel this sums up what I am saying here today. Accept others for who they are. It's through that acceptance that true change can often begin to happen.
Yes, sometimes while waiting for the situation to iron itself out, you may need to evaluate and establish boundaries where needed. I didn't say build a brick wall.... rather place that little low lying fence carefully around the perfectly ordered little yard of your life (HA!) until you feel it's safe to re-open the gate.
And yes... sigh... sometimes it is necessary to place some distance between you and one who cannot seem to come into agreement, to the point where friction is always inevitable. I hope that if I ever need to do this, it is because I know that is what's best and not because I'm being judgmental and spiteful.
Back to the topic at hand. When I attempt to change myself because of religious teachings... because of fear of not being good enough... it is usually only my outward behavior that changes. Inside, I am still pretty much a hot mess. It is only once I sincerely accept my imperfections, both inward and outward.... only once I began to radically accept myself for who I am right at any given moment, that true change begins.
Now.... let me confess here that while I might radically accept myself today, tomorrow I may again find myself staring at me in horrified bemusement for some faux pas that I have committed. Just because I feel I've reached the safe zone of inner love and peace today, doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be tackled by some incoming missile randomly shot off by life. But that's what it's all about isn't it? Peaks, valleys, mountains, ditches, highs, lows....
I am learning to trust God knows who I am inside and out, and He loves me anyway. It is that kind of acceptance, that kind of love, that encourages a softening process in my heart to the point where He is able to flow in and begin to truly heal the hurt in me.
It is then that I begin to want to change. It is also then that I begin to open my heart to accept others right where they're at and trust that GOD will do any "fixing" that may need to be done....
