A Hot Mess...

 Lately I've been thinking about updating the layout of my blog.  I've been looking at the blogs of others and noticing the clean, simple lines of their site... the tidy tabs at the top, organizing subjects.

Then I come back and look at mine.  Clean?  Simple? Black and white?  sigh.....

My title says it all.... Mess....  The background is a delightful chaotic spill of girly colors.  The font of my title is in childlike balloon letters.

My favorite blogs and reads are crammed and crunched over to one side of the page.  There is also some powerful editing that needs to be done to make things an easier read.  I'm working on it.... I'll get there.... eventually....  Maybe....

As I pondered over how to address these issues today, my mind drifted to a post on a friend's blog I read last night.  This line stands out at the moment "individuality is suppressed and outward expression of uniqueness is erased." (Thanks *Rebecca!)   Wow.... I've been there and everything in me fights against it today.  Thus my helter-skelter layout and way of looking at life....

For a time, when living in religious conformity, I forced myself to live in a black and white world.  There were no shades of grey, and definitely no kaleidoscope of fun, girly colors splashed around in my spiritual life. 

I may often sound like a broken record through out my writings on this blog, as I often touch on the same subjects; uniqueness, relationship instead of religion, love instead of control and punishment, quotes to clarify what I'm trying to say.  Lots of quotes.....

As I look back at last years posts, yes.... I do still see a lot of religiousity in them but I also see the liberal splashes of truth and growth scattered throughout.  Like a seed finally sown in good soil I'm beginning to flourish....

This has not been a neatly organized, tidy, ladylike process for me.  I have come out of the box of rigidly organized religion kicking, screaming and running like my hair is on fire.  It has NOT been clean and simple.  Every day I continue to get caught on the brambles of uncertainty and indecision.  It find's me asking myself  "Am I straying too far.... Am I pushing the boundaries of grace just a little too much?"

I have reached a point where I am tired of fear.  My friends tell me when I feel afraid, it means I'm not ready to move forward.  I have begun to believe that it can very well be a time when God is saying "Fear is not of me.... go ahead.... I've got your back!"

Yes, my blog layout may be colorful, cramped and untidy in places, full of chaotic thoughts, and... well.... just a hot mess.  But that is me right now..... a hot mess.  And you know what?  I'm learning to love the explosion of colors that are blasting out of the tightly closed crate I hid them in.

Look at your life.... Do you often feel a desire to be carefree again?  To take risks again?   Do you feel giggles escaping at inappropriate times?  Do you feel the need to slip on your capri's and flip flops, grab a book and a glass of iced tea and wander down to the lake shore, instead of doing those chores you know just have to be done?

Don't be ashamed or condemned because of your very real human reactions and desires.  Yes, we have to be responsible in how we handle things... we can't hurt ourselves or others.... but we can acknowledge what is just true in the moment.

However it is that you want to step out of the box, maybe you should try it even if it feels uncomfortable.  However you want to splash those vibrant colors inside you onto that black and white canvas of life, do it!

Do you want to take a class? Do it!  Do you want to write a book? Do it!  Do you want to let your hair down and just be you?  Do it!  Do you want to volunteer somewhere? Do it! Do you want to have a slumber party with your grown up friends and just feel youthful for a night? Do it!  Do you need to seek counsel to get rid of baggage from your past?  Do it now!  Don't wait another day!

Yes, we do have to be that responsible grown up a lot of the time.  However, please do let that dreamer.... that silly heart.... come out and play occasionally.  And whether you do it in a neatly organized fashion or in a full blown disarray of child like abandon, just do it!  Start today!

 ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* ★¨`*• ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* ★¨`*• ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* 
 Check out *Rebecca's amazing blog!  thepresentmom.blogspot.com

It IS About You....

"It's not about you...."  Oh razzberries!   I'm here to say "You know what?  It IS about you!"

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse here but I felt the need to continue where I left off in my last post.

Until you know who you are... what your purpose is... to love you for you.... imperfections and all....you will not fully know how to love others.

How many of you have searched in vain to "figure out" what your purpose it, only to remain frustrated and clueless to this day?  Do you want to know the secret??!

Sorry to disappoint, but I have no hard and fast rules, principles or formulas for you to follow.  As a matter of fact, I discourage those things.

Instead of bringing freedom, rigidly followed principles and formulas can actually cause you to put your situation in a box and to become unimaginative in your thinking.  You may be unable to see other options when there are absolutely limitless possibilities!

“I think you will agree that life's plans are not always tied up in neat little packages. Occasionally we find ourselves at unexpected crossroads with more than one opportunity from which to choose." - Linda Lee Chaikin, Tomorrow's Treasure   

That said, on this blog I will often share with you moments that were turning points for me.  One of those moments, a moment that offered freedom, was when I was given permission to make mistakes while walking that road to discover my purpose.  Have I found it yet?  It feels like I may have, but only time will tell.

How will you find yours?  I can't tell you.  It's a unique, one of a kind, exciting adventure that only you can explore. 

Quit fixating on the outcome.  Delight in your journey instead of focusing so hard on your destination.  Allow things to unravel at their own pace and trust all you are learning will only add to your story. 

I began to search myself for what I love to do... what my heart yearned to do...  I bounced around from idea to idea.  As I said in my  last post, I thought I was to look "out there" and focus on helping others, instead of looking "inside me" and focus on what fulfilled me.

I'm blessed to be part of a small group that focuses on encouraging each other, and of increasing our knowledge of who we and each other are.  It is from them that I received direction when I was asked "You are creative.   How can you use that creativity?"  More than one said they saw my writing as my passion.

Search yourself to discover what you love to do, but also ask friends what they see as your gift... your passion.

Along the way I discovered something.  I'm learning trust of myself and others.... trust that I'm making progress even when it doesn't look like it.  I'm discovering a strength and resilience in myself that I didn't know existed.  I'm beginning to admire my willingness to take leaps of faith even if I occasionally find myself dangling from a tightrope of unpredictability.

What I have discovered is, for me, when I write I am totally zoned out to all else.  I LOVE digging and delving into my creative side and being allowed to express my observations that are ready to bubble over at any given time.  Here they come! Ready or not!

It's a place where I need no one else but also a place where my passion, my purpose, can reach out and touch others.  It's focusing on doing what I love, it's focusing on me and my journey, and it can then be used to encourage others.

See how that works?  I focused on me... on taking the time to discover who I was... to love me.... and to find out what I love to do for me... write.  It's because I focused on me that I can then begin to allow that to flow into encouraging others.

So you see, it IS about you.  It IS about putting you first even though we are taught the exact opposite through out life.

I am not talking about selfishness here.  A way to be truly successful in love is to study the ones you care for.  Learn what makes them tick.  Learn what they want... what their dreams are.... what makes them feel satisfied, loved and complete.  Shouldn't we extend the same courtesy to ourselves first?

Give yourself and the people in your life an invaluable gift:  invest in the time to discover who you are, what you love, what feeds your passion... learn to love yourself.  Recognize what a unique gift you are to this world and to the people in it.

Are you not sure what you love... what your passion is?  Well, pick one.  Any one...  Make a choice and go for it.  Trust that God will guide your steps.  Even if you do not see yourself as a spiritual person, trust your inner instincts that say "mmm.... not feelin' it", or "this is the way, walk in it."

Most of all, don't take it so serious.  Relax, enjoy, have fun.... Don't consider any dead end a failure,... consider it learning... an investment in yourself and your future.  You can google "inventors that failed miserably before sucess" and find countless stories.  Here is one phenomenal story of rags to riches:

"Today he rakes in billions from merchandise, movies and theme parks around the world, but he had a bit of a rough start. He was fired by a newspaper editor because, "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." After that, he started a number of businesses that didn't last too long and ended with bankruptcy and failure. He kept plugging along, however, and eventually found a recipe for success that worked."  Who was he?  Walt Disney....

What?!  Lacked imagination???  Let that encourage you!  Don't be afraid to fail... and fail.... and fail again.  As a matter of fact, I don't like the word "fail".  Instead I prefer to see it as a curve in the road that is guiding me away from what won't work and directing me closer to what does.

If you, like me, need someone to tell you "It's ok to spend time focusing on yourself", well, I'm giving you permission right now.  It's ok to invest in yourself.  As a matter of fact, it makes the world a better place when you do because it is then that it can become about others.

It's ok to love you for you.....

The Aroma of Freedom.....

 "I was realizing that True love grows out of a deep inner strength which comes from knowing who you are.

True love grows out of the certainty and confidence of knowing your purpose, your design. And from being alive inside..

The knowledge that I had a reason to “be” became more powerful than rejection…than the realization that someone was not right for me… than criticism…than hurt…than loss…

It set me free to live my life, even alone, because there was something more important than being in a relationship."Bernice McDonald

I love sharing bits of truth I run across with friends.  I hope it's ok that I consider you my friend and want to share things I read, hear, lean and discover about life and myself with you.

I am not a professional blogger, writer, teacher or encourager.  However,  I do enjoy doing those things.   What you read here comes from a heart that is learning.... that is becoming open and healed and eager to share my journey with you; one who hopes to hear about yours.

I feel as if my spirit is standing, arms spread wide, head thrown back, breathing in an intoxicating aroma that I recognize as freedom.....  Could that possibly be what that sweet fragrance is...?

There has been a major, all out attack on my beliefs.... on how I view my purpose.  I have been seeing my purpose as focusing on others "out there";  I was to be "out there" coming alongside the hurting .  

Yes, how I live out my purpose will benefit others but what feeds me?.....my spirit?  What brings me the most enjoyment?   I would have to say it is writing.

I feel a peace, a rightness, and a deep satisfaction when writing.  To borrow a corny phrase from the movie Jerry McGuire, "It completes me." 

 It doesn't matter whether I am journaling, blogging, writing an email or furiously scribbling an angry letter....  I love communicating this way.  In recognizing this,  I feel some.... some.... inner knowing that wasn't there before.  

Can I be honest here?  Confessing that makes me feel... well, silly.  I am the "Queen of Flights of Fancy", living at the corner of Scattered Thoughts Street and Utter Chaos Road.  Who am I to think I can lasso my stampeding herd of  hysterical logic and turn it into oh so perfectly penned prose?  (Whew! Say that fast three times!)

Will anything come of it?  Will anyone 'get it"?  Who knows.  That doesn't take away from the fact that I love it.

In conversation yesterday, when talking about my desire for a relationship, I explained that I did not NEED someone but I WANTED someone to share this journey of helping others... someone to hold my hand.  

The question was put to me "What brings you the most enjoyment?"  It's writing. "Do you see someone holding your hand while you're writing?"  

Uh...No.....  It's something I get lost in and I don't want anyone else there.  I don't need anyone else...."  Wha...? What did I just say?!

In saying that, it was like I could feel, and even SEE, enlightenment.

My focus went from "out there" and wanting someone to hold my hand in that journey, to "in me" and feeling an inner stabilizing... a gratifying peace.  There was a sudden feeling of freedom.  There is a sense that life will be phenomenal with or without a relationship.  

Will I view things differently tomorrow?  Next week?  I don't know but it seems like something has changed..... I hope permanently...

Today I ran across an offer for free books.  My eyes glanced at, and dismissed, a book titled "Never Give Up on True Love" by Bernice McDonald.  A romance novel?  Not for me.

I swear I felt a little nudge that said "look again."  Maybe it was the Mexican food I had for lunch doing a little rumba,  but I think not....  

The book was NOT a romance novel.  It was a true story written from the heart of a woman who had loved and lost, and continued to lose. It was a story of how, through brokenness, she discovered God's purpose for her in the mess she called life.

I immediately began to read it and have continued to do so throughout the day.  I literally felt a small jolt in my spirit when I read the words that I began this post with.

That's me! That's how I feel today!!!  And I hope it continues to grow and develop into a full fledged outpouring of the authentic me.

This has been what my last two years of praying, hoping, growing, learning,  inner struggle and grasping at the elusive strands of change have been all about;  It's about knowing who I am... really... knowing my purpose and design..... knowing I have a reason to "be".....  to experience freedom.

Could it be that I am finally getting it?!  That I'm finally seeing the truth?  I don't know but for tonight.... just for tonight.... I'm going to believe, just believe that my focus has finally shifted.

I don't think this book could have come at a more perfect time. Does she get a guy in the end?  I dunno know.  You'll have to read it...  Let me close by using one more quote from Bernice.... one that captures my thoughts in a nutshell:

 "I am discovering the incredible magic that comes to your life when you begin to meet your own needs....".          Oh yeah...........

*A big thanks to Kim for being the wonderfully wise woman that asked me the question that enabled things to finally click into place in my spirit, because I sure wasn't grasping it in my head!  Luv ya, friend.....

 I Got Your Back.....

I'm not about leading..... But I am about instigating. I'd rather we walk alongside each other in this life, than one in front of the other. But, if I see that you need a push, I'll get behind you... and I hope you'll do the same for me.  Jamie Wright

I absolutely LOVE this quote!  It's how I see myself.   Me leading?  Pshaw....  But me INSTIGATING??  Now THAT I can do! And giving you a push....?! I'm there! 

I absolutely adore running across amazing bits of wisdom and truth, slapping it on a platter, and serving it up to anyone who will listen and engage.  There is nothing more exhilerating!

This is just me trailing my bread trail of random thoughts here, but when someone says they see me as "A leader", it's like saying I have an inside track on some special information and therefore more qualified to tell someone else what they need to do.  Uh... no.....  But I'll be glad to serve you up a saucer of "life as I see it" a la' mode.

I do see myself as an instigator.  Let me digress here for a moment.... I love the word "instigate" because it means to "urge on".... to "stir up".....  

That's what I love to do... urge others on..... stir up their  imagination, their hunger and thirst for life, for relationships, for God, for change, for.... for more..... more than what we've been led to believe is available to us.  

Most of us have been taught that there is a limit to what we can achieve in this life.  Often those limits are very restricted by our own perceptions.

I have become a "what if" girl and I think I have a friend or two that just cannot grasp that concept.  I see a titch of irritation come in when I stray from fact's to "what if...."  

What can I say?  I'm a dreamer.  I love the quote from the movie Uncle Buck - "I don't think I want to know a six year old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart."  OH YEAH!  That's me!  A sillyheart!

No, I am not six years old on the outside, but I certainly am on the inside.  Ask my friends.... I LOVE silliness!  It comes naturally to me.  You could say it's a gift!  Though some people aren't so sure it's a gift....

Over the last few days I have read over my blog posts from last year.  I have not allowed people to read them. I didn't even read them..... until now.  Ummm.... do I like them?   Not so much.  As I look them over I don't see a trace of that sillyheart.  I see a heart that is very bogged down with trying to figure things out.  

I know I can't always be silly.... and believe me..... often I won't be and you'll be wishing I was! I have a tendency sometimes to try to dig too deep.  Well, grab a shovel and come join me.  It's going to be a bumpy ride! : D