WAR DOES NOT DETERMINE WHO'S RIGHT...only who is left...
"No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal." Marilyn Ferguson
I read this quote today and it really spoke to where I am at right now. I know with my head that I cannot change others. BUT I still have a tendency to try....
I am beginning to recognize that most people I know have mental and emotional anguish that comes from their efforts to change another; usually their husband, family member, friend or significant other.
As I listen to the hurt and anger spill out, I see the sheer folly of how they are handling situations. They are trying to force someone else to adjust to
their expectations. I feel hopeless for them and want to shout "It ain't gonna work, girlfriend!"
In trying to change another, we will beat our heads against a brick wall, pushing to get our own way. We use nagging, whining, tears, anger, hurt, accusations, and even bribery to get what we want, all to no avail. Try doing that then stand back and watch a barricade form between you and your adversary. It becomes a game of "freeze out" or "I'll show
you" No one wins when there's a standoff...
I'm not pointing fingers; I'm one of those who has used those tactics often. The difference is I now KNOW how greatly it damages the relationship. Why do I still do it? Because it's an ingrained knee jerk reaction I have, dad gum it! I will say that I'm very thankful to be able to say it's a reflex that is decreasing as I choose to react in love.... as I look for the good instead of the bad.
As a side note I want to just throw a little tidbit about the difference between men and women in here: a lot of men have a tendency to pull away when they feel defensive, unlike we women who tend to lean forward... to want to talk it out.... to cling... The more you push, the more they pull away. When a man becomes defensive, he may often instinctively react with anger. Your attitude, approach, and timing is everything!
Why do we get so offended? Why do we get so frustrated and hurt?
Expectations.... We have expectations of others based on our beliefs; based on how we feel we
deserve to be treated. When those expectations aren't meant, well, we're just gonna gear up for battle! We feel we have the right to spew out those poisonous arrows of hurt feelings and those acid drenched feelings of injustice!
Are we right in feeling this way? Sometimes..... sometimes not. But let
me ask you this: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be
left....?
Often we have feelings of expectations that are soooo unreasonable. It is not up to you to dictate someone treat you exactly as you decree. They are as unique and valuable as you! They are changing, growing, and struggling to stay afloat in their own lives, just like you. Look for their good qualities and give them some grace for where they don't measure up to
your "standards".
You cannot
expect others to "complete" you or do be who you want them to be. If you have the tendency to want to do that, don't put yourself down in any way shape or form! BUT please do recognize that in yourself and attempt to give you and others a break from the chaos and pain those expectations can cause.
Please do not heave the responsibility on others shoulders to indulge or fix that expectation you have. You can't require others to fill in the blanks... the emptiness.... in you. If you live that way, you will be hurt as well as hurt others. You will leave a trail of damaged and destroyed relationships behind you.
Find a hobby. Pursue your passion. Catch up on your reading. Go out and minister to others. Volunteer. There is so much you can do instead of focusing on how others fail you. Believe me, I know this is hard to do when it comes to your marriage. Sometimes there are serious issues that need addressed, and I encourage you to seek help to resolve the conflict. However, often it is simply that we need to allow them to be themselves.
Even if you honestly
do have the right to be offended in a certain situation, I'm here to tell you that I feel your attitude and approach
is the most important factor with
anyone. Wait to address the issue until the emotions have dissipated, then kindly bring up how you feel instead of nagging, complaining, and accusing. Use your "I feel" instead of "You always".
There is too much for me to relay here but if you truly want to turn your relationships around.... if you truly want to change the never ending cycle of arguments.... If you insist that something different has to be done... then you are right. There DOES have to be change.
Hold on! Hold on! Wait a minute before you get too excited. Guess where change has to start? With you.... Yes, you cannot change the other person, so who
can you change? Only You......
There are many books, seminars, classes and studies that can educate you on how to cultivate healthier relationships. I know.... I've read the books and attended the classes. And in each of them what do you think the common denominator is? Who do you have to start with? You.....
So what do you say? Do you want to keep waddling around in your hostile suit of armor, keeping your sword spit shined, leaving rubble piles of relationships strewn behind you?
Let me ask you another question: Do you feel like you have no control? Well, you're right.... you have no control.... over other people, that is. But you
do have the ability to learn to control yourself. It starts with a true heart change in
you; a desire to be the best you that you can be without
expecting anyone else to change... ever.....
You may not like hearing this but, if you are changing just to try to get someone else to change, you will most likely be severely disappointed. People can sense your manipulation and agenda a mile away and it will not be a pretty scent that you leave behind.
That said,
"Nobody can change a person, but someone can be the reason for a person to change..." Anonymous While you are focused on transforming yourself, you may turn around and find others are changing in response to your progression toward learning to live a life of quality, peace, and love..
To sum it up, this isn't about others. This is about you. If you are not happy, CHANGE IT! That does not usually mean dumping the person you are having difficulty with. Change the way you treat others.... change the way you view their imperfections.... change the expectations you have for others.
I'm telling you from experience, girl.... Without working on you first, you will normally run into the same problems again and again throughout life, in other relationships; you will NEVER feel content and fulfilled. Quit looking to others to make you happy and make a difference in your own life today!
What you are
not hearing me say is that you aren't good enough just the way you are. However, if you want peace and healthy relationships with yourself and others, do what you would like others to do for you; grow.... evolve.... transform..... forgive..... learn to love unconditionally.
I said love unconditionally: I didn't say love without boundaries. Accept others where they are, and develop an understanding of the boundaries you may need to set to stay safe and healthy. If you are in a physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive situation, please seek help and guidance. You may be too confused and battle weary to use sound judgement.
Relax, enjoy this journey, and be kind to yourself. Learning to love unconditionally starts with loving your self,
then flows out to others. It's almost impossible to give true love when you won't receive it. Embrace who you are today, knowing that you are learning, growing, and stretching. You are amazing!
What do you say? Are you up for the challenge? Are you up to beginning to allow change to happen in you? Then start today!
"With genuine caring, I encourage you to open the gate of change and growth... Be patient with yourself. Self growth is tender.... it's holy ground...." Stephen R. Covey
*I've mentioned that an experience or something I've read will snag my
attention and inspire a blog. I'm reading "The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change" by Stephen R.
Covey. That is where I read the opening quote above. I mention these things to give
credit where credit is due, and in case you may be interested in
reading it. In my opinion, this is a great book!
