Saturday, April 26, 2014

Let's Do This!

Do you ever have those moments where you reach the point of such determination, you (hopefully) can't go back? 

You mentally push up your shirt sleeves, slip those sunglasses on, and, fixing your face in steadfast resolve, you march toward the door of change?  I reached such a moment today.

I was sitting here alone, minutes after my 16 year old son left for the night, and was swamped by loneliness.  The thought went through my head "Maybe I should go ahead and go out with someone", even though I feel I am not yet at that point in my life. 

Suddenly I had a light bulb moment.....  I don't want to go out with someone just because I'm lonely.  Isn't that the problem I've had in every relationship I've been in?  Even my marriage?

No, I didn't ever cheat on my husband but the loneliness I experienced often drove me to be discontent, distant and resentful.  My mind would turn to a possible solution during these times, and it was usually a yearning for someone new... someone who could take away that loneliness for good.   Sound familiar?

I hear this same scenario from countless women.  "If only my husband would be more helpful, more attentive, more sensitive. more _______   You fill in the blank....  Some of us fill that emptiness with thoughts of some Fabio, with eating, with drinking, with hobbies or work, and often with just hardening our heart so it doesn't hurt so much.

But you know what?  I don't think  ANY  relationships are "loneliness free zones" every single minute.   I don't want to continue to face this despondency all through life.  Will there be moments of loneliness, no matter where I'm at in life or who I'm with?  Sure.  But how can I break this cycle of my mind turning toward companionship as a solution?

Tonight I fully recognized that I don't want to let a dislike of solitude control my choices.  I want to reach a point where my thoughts don't turn to a man to my loneliness.  Yes, it's normal and natural to desire a relationship.  However, when that desire is based on neediness, it's likely that a disaster is about to happen....  You DON'T need someone to "complete" you.  That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, as well as others.

Suddenly all of the "You don't need a man" advice I get so sick of hearing, makes sense.  It wasn't saying it's wrong to hope the right one comes along, but you want to have a healthy outlook when he does;  when you can enjoy those butterflies in your stomach, knowing that it is regulated with some common sense.

Those butterflies have always batted away my ability to use sound judgement.  I let my heart completely over ride my head.  It's not that I ended up with bad guys; it's that I didn't allow myself the chance to develop a friendship first.  I let emotion control me.  Yes, I know that is the norm in this world, but look at the divorce rate.  If I have a second chance, I want to do it differently this time.

First of all, it has been of the utmost importance to learn about who I am.  Who are you?  What unresolved hurts do you have that need healed.  What is your passion.... something that is just for you: Art, writing, sewing, carpentry...?

Yes, you may feel your passion is to be married, to have a family, to be in ministry/business.  However, what is something that is just for you?  It is important you reach a point of being fulfilled even if you do not have the man, the family, the job, etc.  

What are your values, your goals, your beliefs, your interests?  What makes you feel loved?

Second, this time around I don't want this to be all about me.  I don't want to go into this like I'm ordering from the Burger King menu with their famous "Have it your way" slogan.  Not that I consciously did that before but everything in me was geared toward "having it MY way."  It was doing what I had to do to get what I wanted, whether that was their attention, behavior change, etc.  When  I couldn't get what I wanted, well.... it was on.

This is how it is in the world today.  Relationship seems to be based on getting what we want from each other.  When we are no longer getting what we need, we walk away.  We discard each other like yesterdays trash. 

This time I want to get to know the person, discover who they are and put them first.  This is how I would want to be treated.  This does not mean becoming a door mat.  It does mean taking the focus off of yourself and appreciate that person for who they are.  

Study them.  Not in a creepy way but in a relaxed, caring way.  A great book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman can help give guidance.  We often try to love people the way we want to be loved, instead of learning about the way they want to be loved.  The result is frustration:  Yours because they seem untouched by your actions of love; Theirs because they don't FEEL loved by you.  They speak a different love language.   This book helps you to identify their love language and how to speak it.

As a matter of fact, there are actually several different 5 Love Language books. Go to Amazon.Com and browse thru them.  You don't have to purchase the books.  Normally you can order the books through your local library's inter library loan program.  I just ran across one that I ordered from the library called "Things I wish I would have known before I got married" also by Gary Chapman.

Likewise, you need to be paying attention to how they treat you.  You want someone who will respect you even.... especially.... when it is an area that you two don't have in common. Learning about the 5 love languages enables you to identify what makes you feel loved.  It's just as important to learn about yourself as it is to learn about them.

And, lastly,  I think the most important thing is that we need to be so secure in knowing who we are that someone else loving us is just icing on the cake, not the cake itself.  Our self worth and self love is the cake. Loving yourself is the foundation to all.  A gentle, humble, yet solid self love gives you a quiet confidence that is enticing and beautiful.

You see, in any relationship you WILL run into those tough times; those times when you don't FEEL the love.  It is essential that you have enough love for yourself to have the strength to travel through those solitary times.

That same self love may also enable you to have a stable and rational outlook as to know when it's time to walk away from a destructive relationship.

I believe all of this information will help you whether you are in or out of a relationship.  Carve out some time  daily for yourself to focus on you and where you want to go.  Granted this can be more difficult if you are in a relationship and/or have children at home.  However, I feel loving yourself has to be a priority . If  you are truly wanting the best out of life for you and especially for your loved ones, you will do what it takes to find some time.

So...... LET"S DO THIS!



“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”  C. JoyBell C.

"People should accept being single because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself and learning who you are. Then when you're in a relationship you will be stronger and have a little bit more self awareness, self love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship."    Lauren London

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Monday, April 7, 2014



The More I Learn, the Less I know.....

 “Spiritual maturity is moving from confident arrogance to thoughtful uncertainty” – Randall Arthur

I love to learn.  I love to read, research, question,  ponder, pray over, and to untangle subjects that intrigue me.  Most of all, my favorite thing is to listen to someone's story in hopes that somewhere in the telling, they can begin to unravel the threads of confusion and pain that have them bound.

 In my insatiable quest for knowledge, a curious thing has happened.  The thing that I have discovered is the more I learn, the less I know.  Each person, each situation is unique.  There is no "one size fit's all" answer.

Yes, as an outsider looking in, I may often think I have the very answer that would help them out of the hole they are in.   In fact, the solution could look SO simple that I am unable to understand how they could not see it themselves. The problem is, unless I am in their heart, mind, life, body, and spirit, I cannot even IMAGINE how to tell them to extricate themselves from the ties that bind.

I myself have been in many of those situations over my lifetime, and am in fact in one now.  If I told you about it, you would probably give me a look of amazed stupefaction because, to you, the answer is so self-evident.

What you do not know is what I have in my history.  You do not have the exact combination of experiences I have had that have led me to the habits and beliefs I have.  Even if you did, your perception of each situation would be solely yours. 

Indeed, there are many people out in this world that are so arrogant or so hardened they already have all the answers.  Those people most likely will not be caught up in indecision long enough to need to confide in you.  They will also be ones who think they have all of the answers for you AND everyone else, also!  This can be said of folks in Christian circles as well as of those who are not.

In my case it was some very well meaning Christian leaders that led me hopelessly astray and I am still unraveling the snarls that were caused to my perceptions and decision making.

I find myself unconsciously reverting to old principles and rules that are twisted and warped.  To me, THOSE things are natural and deep-seated as I was taught them in my "Christian Infancy".  Even when I broadened my horizons by listening to, and reading, other spiritual material, my view of things still had that tainted slant of my original teacher.  The contamination to my thinking still lingers.

For me, it is my experience with impaired religious teaching that often has me floundering in finding resolutions that may seem simple to others.  For you, it could be a sin or addiction, abuse, lack of healthy relationships, cultural beliefs, etc. that cause you to stumble and become bewildered as to how to use sound judgement.

I used to become rather scornful of others who allowed themselves to flounder and remain embroiled in situations that were consistently self defeating and painful.  The answers were so obvious!  Why did they keep complaining if they weren't going to try something different??!

Yeah.... I can have a pretty snotty, self righteous attitude if I'm not careful.....

For the past three years  I have been dealing with a dilemma that is completely baffling to me.  Advice I received was fairly consistent from person to person, and I DID try to enforce it..... only to find myself fail and fail again at following thru.  Why is it so difficult to heed their suggestions??!

Lately I have given up.... I have given up in trying to find a solution and have just prayed that God untangle things.  Yes, I follow my conscience and have not crossed any lines though I have skirted close a time or two.  I told God that I simply do not know what to do and I need Him to guide my steps.

As I have done this, things have began to come to light that allow me to relax and begin to develop a different view.... a different attitude.  While I am still confused as to what action to take, I have begun to relax.  No longer does shame and  the pressure of feeling forced to make a decision drive me.  This has brought more peace and clarity into my mind, heart, and spirit.

No, I didn't just give up but I did surrender.   I allowed myself to quit fighting to DO, to RESOLVE, to FIGURE OUT.   I allowed myself time to relax and turn to God admitting defeat.  I began to focus on today and the next decision in front of me instead of on trying to find a decisive direction.

Instead of offering advice, I often find myself saying  "This is how I see it, but I am not in your shoes.  Only you will know when you have reached the end of living this way.  It's then you will know something has to change for good.  At that time you will make the change or seek the help you need."

I guess it IS simple...  Recognize that accepting someone right where they are at is the best help we can be to them.  Acknowledge them as the precious and rare gift they are, even as you, once again, limp back with them through the same field of defeat and despair they have repeatedly traversed through.

It's being willing to truck with them through the cruddy swampland of healing they are blundering through.  And it IS a journey of healing.  Healing is not an overnight process, it is a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life. – Leon Brown

You never know, this pass through MIGHT just be the one where you or someone else finds that new road you've been seeking.  THIS time, that same rocky trail might just unexpectedly reveal a hidden path that you've never noticed before.  You take it and suddenly find yourself in a place of certainty and light.  You now know what to do.

Yes, more and more often I find myself confident of only this one thing:  The more I learn, the less I know.

You know what?  It's really not a bad place to be.  It means that there is now an infinite number of brilliantly hued ways that things can be resolved instead of just that black and white version we so often have.  And that's a good thing.... a place of hope.....

So are you willing to get your hands dirty?  Are you willing to travel with others down those craggy paths and around those jagged mountain bends of cramped, indecisive lockup?  Are you, yourself willing to relax and look around in wonder in all that you're learning while you are "incarcerated" by uncertainty and seeming ineffectiveness?

Ok then.... let's get this party started......

The future belongs to the few of us still willing to get our hands dirty.  Anonymous

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