Beauty From Ashes...

"Never be ashamed of a scar.  It simply means that you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."  Anonymous

I have inherited an old house from my mother and have been slowly attempting to transform it myself.  You have to realize that I don't have much money and very little knowledge of how to re-do a home.  I arm myself with spray paint and Pinterest.... Well, I do a titch more than that, but seriously.... I do it myself, the easiest and cheapest way I can find.

I have been sanding my old wooden kitchen counters, hoping to restore them to some kind of former glory.  One reason I am doing this is because I love saving the original things as often as possible.  Another is because it's cheap!

Yesterday I attempted to stain a small portion of the counter just to see what happened.  Well, after all my hours of sanding it is obvious that I was NOT successful in removing most of the original protective coating.  The stain was only being absorbed in random areas, here and there.  I tried several different things, then finally just slathered a coat of stain over that whole section of counter and let it sit all night. It's still sitting there.. The result?  A distinct, unique, rich, dark blend of old and new.  I love it!  Now if it will just dry completely.... I think that will take at least a few days but if it works, WOW!

The funny thing is, everyone has been telling me to just get a whole new counter.  As I stand here looking at the thing, I DO see the shadows of the imperfections left by it's past life.  The thing is... I LOVE that!  The first thought that came to me was "You are just masking the crap, while not really restoring it to it's former glory."  The second thought was "These scars are beautiful."  You see, they add character and depth, and inspire one to wonder about it's past.  That's what happens to us.

Most of us have been badly wounded and scarred in life, and would love to believe that we can be fully healed and restored to our original former glory.  One without flaws, scars, and stretch marks.   However, there will always be remnants of scars left, no matter how hard we work to obliterate them.  But you see, it's those very scars that tells of the life you've lived and survived.  It reveals the story of your mistakes, trials, and triumphs.  Why would we want to obliterate our story?  Yes, many are horrendous, vile, and beastly.  We have done things, or had things done to us, that are dark and shameful.  But they are a part of your story, no matter how much you wish they weren't.  The amazing thing is that you lived through these things, and they were used to create the depth and richness of a survivor and over-comer.

You could let these things define you, but instead you choose to use them to better your life and the the lives of others.  The amazing qualities that were brought out in you, can be used to help someone else through their dark times.

Ya know, if this stain on my counters dries completely, I will cover it with a hard, beautiful veneer.  But that veneer will not represent some hard, brittle, hostile shell to protect that I've erected to hide those scars.  Instead, it will represent and reflect the beauty, strength, and survival of these amazing counters.  It will enhance their scars and put them on refined, beautiful, tasteful display for my friends and family to see, and to benefit from.

Don't let anyone tell you that your scars are ugly and shameful.  They are proof of your strength, resilience, and courage.  The experiences that caused them helped to create the unique, phenomenal, one-of-a-kind gift that you are to this world.  Go ahead.  Heal and become at peace with those things that happened to you in your past.  However, don't be ashamed or afraid when you run the fingers of your memory over them and find the residual flaws left behind.  Those memories are your legacy to help others find the path to their own peace and renewal.  This is the way that time turns beauty into ashes...

Going With the Flow.....
It's funny how my mind will sometimes run around in circles like a hamster on it's wheel.  Not funny haha, but funny that I often DO seem to end up with somewhat of a possible answer.  Often, it's not really an answer but a conclusion I've jumped to.  However, there is another way.   The trick to that is not trying to wrinkle my brow and figure it out but to just let the thoughts flow.  Relax....let your mind unwind and let the thoughts flow....

 If I begin to get frustrated, tense, or anxious I know I'm trying to "figure things out."  When you look like THIS woman below, it just may be a good indication that you are NOT going with the flow....

Look at the woman above, laying on the beach, relaxed, allowing the warm sun and exotic breezes to lull her into a state of drifting.  That is how we want to feel when we are "going with the flow..." in our thinking. It's much better than the alternative, isn't it!!!?

Some people call this going with the flow in thinking "stream of consciousness."  As one person puts it, " our sequence of thoughts has been likened to a meandering and irrepressible stream.." (Morsella).  I'll steal a bit of a sentence from a critic on Wikipedia,  "a continuous stream of rich and detailed experiences, happening one after the other to a conscious person...  (If you want to know more about this topic, Google it or ask me.)

It is said that one must practice mindfulness to be successful at allowing their stream of consciousness flow:

Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.

Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future. (GGSC)

Ok...I got the lesson part out of the way so on with the show.  I, myself, am a firm believer in asking God to give me the answers.  However, I have learned some of the tools on making myself more open to Him.  I am still a novice at practicing mindfulness and stream of consciousness but feel I am getting better at going with flow.

For you who are Christians, you may think this is some Buddhism mumbo-jumbo.  For those who are not, you may think this is some holier than thou hocus-pocus approach.  Think what you want.  It works.  We all seem to have many of our answers packed away neatly inside of ourselves.  Practicing mindfulness and stream of consciousness seems to unclog our "energy" pipes.  Translate that to "spiritual pipes" for you Christians, and "perception pipes" to you non-Christians. 

Just like oxygen flows through your blood to keep it healthy and flowing, you are giving oxygen to your thoughts when you allow them to flow in stream of consciousness.  When you grab your thoughts and try to bend and twist them into something that makes sense, often you cause what I like to call "mental neuropathy."  This is not a technical term:  I am just being silly here, but you catch my drift.  (Neuropathy means malfunction of the nerves)

To illustrate, today I was letting thoughts flow through my head about two people I know.  One seems intent on pointing out the mistakes of others, yet hates her own pointed out.  She is a very confident person, and likes herself.  However, as I allowed my thoughts to flow what came to me was "She is NOT so confident.  She has to make herself feel good by "helpfully" pointing out their errors.  This began when someone else in our lives became so critical of us.  My friends confidence became eroded also, so she had to begin to take control..." Hmm.... Interesting...  Then another friend told me they like the finer things in life.  However, they don't seem as intent on making their own character a "finer thing in life..."  Then it hit me.  They are not being congruent.  Their inner being is not matching their outer being.  They are not being who they are.... Hmm...

Now, I am someone who believes in a little thing called confirmation.  I believe God can confirm our thoughts to give us an indication that we are on the right track.  After having this enlightening experience in my thinking process, I decided to have a little "God time."  I pulled up a podcast I love to listen to, The God Journey, and this weeks broadcast was called "The False Self of Relgious Performance."  A line from it's synopsis caught my eye"...performance can force us to create a false self to fit into the program and think ourselves better than others" (Jacobsen).  This applies to everyone and anyone.  We can create a false self to "fit in" or to think ourselves better than others... Hmm...  Anyway, this is another topic.

My point is, investigate into mindfulness and stream of consciousness.  Learn how to let those thoughts flow instead of twisting you up into knots.  Relax, breathe, and go with the flow.  It just brings a peace into your life that is much needed by everyone....


Sources Cited

Morsella, Eziquiel, Ph.D. "Control of the Stream Of Consciousness?" Psychology Today. Sussex 
     Publishers, LLC, 5 Feb. 2015. Web. 19 Dec. 2015. 

Staff Reviewers. "What Is Mindfulness?" Greater Good Science Center. University of CA, Berkley, n.d. 
     Web. 19 Dec. 2015. <http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition>. 

Wikipedia contributors. "Stream of consciousness (psychology)." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. 
     Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 3 Oct. 2015. Web. 19 Dec. 2015. 

Whose in the Driver's Seat?! 

I love humor.... I just started reading a book called Moses Was a Basket Case by J.J. Jasper.  Let me tell you, I am only on the fifth chapter (they're short), and I had to stop to write.  This guy is funny with a capital F.  I am totally charmed by a guy with a sense of humor! (smile)  For some light-hearted reading by a christian author, I encourage you to try this book.  

In chapter 4, Jasper talks about his enthusiasm to learn to fly, and his first flight lesson.  There was some miscommunication and the instructor he was given assumed Jasper had had 20 or 30 hours of flight already.  The instructor had him climb, cold turkey, into the pilots seat and verbally took him one step to the next on getting it started and into the air.  Jasper was freaked out but did as he was told.  The instructor chalked up Jasper's slow responses and mistakes down to nerves.  Jasper was apparently intimidated by his "authority figure's" experience, and instead of speaking up about his doubts and fears, he went along with the guy.  He describes his thoughts this way:

My heart was hammering at this point, my nostrils flared and my eyes were wide open.  The veins on my neck must have been bulging like Barney Fife's...  I was wide awake, with all senses razor sharp.  I wondered, if aviation training is this concentrated, what is Green Beret trailing like or how do they treat physicians on their first day of med school?  Does someone in a lab coat greet them with a  clipboard in hand, declaring, "Oh, so this is your first day.  Alright, go down to room 107 and get started on that appendectomy.  Just get as far as you can and I'll be down shortly to check on your progress!"

Whew!  I don't know about you but this seems to happen to me a lot in life!  People think I know more than I do and I just go along, thinking they know best and not wanting to appear stupid.  I have perfected the art of keeping my face blank and nodding along like "I follow ya.... I smell what your steppin' in..."  Inside I am shrieking "Please God, please God!  Strike me with a lightening bolt of instant knowledge, here!  Help an ole gal out!"

You know what?  I'm getting tired of playing this game.  I've learned no to assume that all authority figures, even in the Church, know what they are doing all the time.  If you feel confused or wary about something, don't hesitate to check into it further.  As for pretending that I'm able to grasp all that is dished out, I'm learning to humbly admit I'm not following them.... sometimes....  It irritates some people when I question them to get clearer answers, so I sometimes used my best judgment and do what I feel is needed.  If it doesn't meet their standards then I apologize and let them know I was doing what I felt they wanted. 

That said, I do attempt to do the best job that I can.  It has taken me years, but I am learning to "work as unto the Lord. (Col. 3:23)  In my case, I am finding that keeping my eye on the response or rewards I'm getting from co-workers and my boss trips me up now.  In my younger years at this job, I could do no wrong.  Now, it seems I often can do no right. I am realizing that this could be due to the fact that I began to lose confidence in myself.  Any negative feedback I get feeds that lack of confidence, which fuels the ole mistake-o-meter.  Maybe it truly is what my co-worker says.  That after twenty plus years, I am burnt out and need something new.  However, no matter how positive job interviews look, that door never opens.  Maybe he wants me where I am so that I learn to focus on working as unto Him, and not unto others.  Also, the flexibility has come in very handy while my mom was sick and while I am going to school.

So who's flying that shiny silver plane that you call your life?  Who's in your driver's seat? Are you meekly going along with the flow and letting others tell you what to do even when your innards are screaming, "STOP!  Let's get on the same page here!" ?  Are you "following the leader" in Church, even when things don't feel right?  Are you letting your friends tell you how to live?  Well... I will say living that way seems easier.  However, from experience, I can tell you that letting anyone but God sit in the co-pilot seat of your life can wreck ya, so be wise about that.  It's okay to ask questions.  It's okay to stop and let someone know that you need a little more information before you proceed.  It's the learning process of life, education, and Christian growth that is the most important thing.  It's NOT the final destination.... It's the journey it takes to get there that helps you to become who you truly are.  Don't just hurry through it, or let someone else try to rush you.  Enjoy it.  Savor it.  Live it....

Speaking of education, I have to laugh when I look at my last entry on this blog.  I DID have a big freak-out!  Haha!  And with good cause.  Not because I'm too old but because it is VERY time consuming.  Between it and my full time job, I run around crazy most of the time.  More than once I literally had to stop in my tracks, wrinkle my brow, and concentrate hard to remember what day it was!  But let me tell you.... I think I met the love of my life.... education.  Yes, I could become a lifetime scholar if time and money would allow! 

Anyway, thinks for stopping by and listening to the "trials and tribulations of a desert wanderer."  It's time to saddle up the ole camel and head for the hills!  Okay, it's only time to get dressed, hop in my little Toyota, and head for work.  However, wording it the other way just sounds so much more adventurous! Haha!  Have a great day and remember to laugh as often as you can!


Jasper, J. J. Moses Was a Basket Case: Hilarious True Stories to Encourage and Inspire. Tupelo, MS: BrettMorgan Pub., 2001. Print.

The Freak Out Prayer....

Phillipians 4: ^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (The Message Version)

Dear Heavenly Father..... WHAT AM I DOING?!!! WHAT AM I THINKING?!!  AM I CRAZY?!!!

Father, as I start my first day of online college today, in this stage of my life, PLEASE be with me.  Please show me if I am just wasting time that could be spent living.  Father, I need you with me on this journey.  I now understand the freak out my youngest son had last summer, when the reality of college being just a year a way hit him in the face.

I guess I should follow the advice I gave him, huh, Father....

"Take it one step at a time.  You don't have to know your destination.  Just take the first step and you will begin to sense if the path you are on is beginning to veer in this or that direction." 

"Nothing you learn will be wasted.  It will all be put to use somewhere in your job or life."

"Quit looking at the big picture and look at the next step in front of you."

But Father, my son will be 18 on his first day of college.  I am 49....

Yes, Father, I know.... I've been running into so many messages lately that say "Follow your dream", that I can't deny it must be you encouraging me as I did my son.

But what if I'm not sure what my dream really is?  I want to write, to speak and to be able to help others through counseling when they are in a hard place, and even drug and alcohol counseling.  I'm saying I want to be a psychologist tho something feels a little off in me when I say that.  I don't have certainty...  But again, I need to follow my own advice to others, don't I....?

"You don't have to know what you want to do.  As you travel this journey, you will begin to sense the direction you want to go...."

In other words, I don't have to decide what I want to be when I grow up, yet...

Father, I feel a sense of your peace now.  Thanks for being there when I freak out.  Yes, I'm sure there will be more times of feeling fear at the thought of investing the countless hours and years in an education now...at the time when my life is half over.  But Father, I would encourage anyone, no matter their age, to pursue their dreams so I guess it's time I begin to encourage myself in the same way.

My life is not ending just because my youngest has graduated high school and that phase of life is over.  It's not time to pull up a rocker, drape my blanket over my shoulder, and wait to die.  It's just beginning again.... It's my second chance to do the things I wanted to do but didn't follow thru with when I was 18.

Thank you, Lord for second chances, and third chances, and countless chances.

I love you and I praise you, Lord.... Amen

Play It Again Sam....

As I say those words "Play it again, Sam", I am thinking about my habit of letting my mistakes, my ongoing sin, and even my perceived mistakes run thru my mind repeatedly.  They're like a broken record playing over and over.

One in particular has been running thru my mind over and over the past few days...

Two days ago, a Sunday, I led the service at my church.  This was a huge step for me but something in me desired to do it as soon as I was asked.  The plan was to tell my testimony and allow a few other women from the local women's shelter to tell theirs.

As the week went on, I prayed over what to say and would jot down things that came to me.  Amazingly, me... nervous nelly... was able to make it thru the week with very little apprehension.  Each time I felt fear and doubt begin to wiggle their wormy little hands into my spirit, I would just turn to my Abba Father and ask for His help.  Often I just repeated the mantra of "Jesus...Jesus...Jesus..." over and over.  I would feel peace begin to flow in.

Anyway, back to my point!

During my time in front of the congregation, one thing that came out was the topic of shame and fear.  About how they were two of the biggest things that caused people to flounder.

I told them what I had discovered.  That it seemed like only when I reached the point of just admitting defeat... defeat in trying to stop taking part in something I felt was sinful or hurtful... that I began to gradually see true change come.

When I thought back on those words I began to feel like I explained things inadequately.  It's not just "simple".  I hope I did not confuse anyone.  It's done now, but how could I explain it better in the future?  These thoughts began running thru my head over and over.... 

This morning I ran across an entry on a blog I like, and it had to do with this very thing.  Here, maybe I can let you follow my train of thought so you get a better understanding also:

Several months ago I finally admitted to myself and God that I was skirting danger in a "friendship" I had.  I knew that I was head over heels for this guy, even though he had a girlfriend.  He was very committed to her.  I thought it was ok to just enjoy the friendship and since I was not crossing any lines, I was good to go.

But... If it was ok, why was I in such turmoil almost constantly....?

I tried to fix it myself.  I tried to control my thoughts.... I tried to discontinue the friendship only to be pulled back in again and again... I tried, I tried, I tried.... 

Finally one night, I gave up in exhaustion.  I turned to God and, thumbing my nose at fear and shame, I just honestly admitted "I know this is wrong, but I don't want to give it up."  I felt a peace come over me and I swear I felt in my spirit that God was telling me "I got this..."  Instead of feeling alone and separated from Him, I felt closer.

As time went by, I felt more and more of a desire to pull away from the situation.  For one, I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  For another, how fair was this to his girlfriend?  Most of all, I hated the secrecy.  I hated pretending that I just felt friendship.

Was it easy? No.  Was it painless? No. But as time went by, after my admission to God, I just felt a knowing that I had to be honest.  I was so conflicted because I thought it was wrong to tell him of my feelings, but I wanted him to understand why I had to stop hanging out with him.  But, thru prayer and angst I reached a point where my desire for peace, my desire to do the right thing, overcame my desire for him.

It wasn't easy.  He resisted by pulling away from the friendship even after my admission.  However, just getting things out in the open was such a big relief that I was able to remain firm on maintaining my distance.

Here are some quotes from a blog I read today that spells out things a little more clearly for me:

"We do not want to reject Jesus’ work at the cross by trying and laboring to stop sinning. As Paul said, we are not disobeying God, we are rejecting Him and His power. This does not please God nor bring Him glory."

"It pleases God when we receive this power and reject the notion that we have to try and obey God with our willpower. That is displeasing to God. What pleases Him is when we need him, when we ask God for help."

To me that confirms what I have discovered.  It says, Just be honest with God, even about not wanting to give up the things that you know are not of him.  Surrender your need to do it yourself and admit to Him that you can't do it.  That without Him, the situation will never change.  You can't fix yourself, only He can.  And more to the point, it's only in coming to understand... to believe... to have faith in His firmly fixed foundation of LOVE, that you can more truly experience that healing from sin, hurtful desires, etc.

It's so simple that it is complex.  Simply believe in His love for you... That He loves you right where you are at, no matter what you are in.  It is simply believing in His love that allows power to flow thru you.  However, it is getting to that point of simply believing in His love that has been complex.  It has been a long, slow, painful journey because you see.... simply believing I am loved has not been so simple for me.

My goal is to get to the point where God's love, grace and healing are my focus.  Not focusing on being better, being sinless, being good, but focusing on His love.   It's focusing on discovering His love for me that will change my world.... THE world....