I WANT IT NOW!....

How many of you remember Veruka Salt from the movie Willie Wonka?  If you don't, I've put a little clip at the bottom to remind you.....

Our class mentor, Dan, shared a concept with us called "The Spoiled Child Syndrome" that we adults seem to have.  It's a sense that we deserve something.

We work hard so don't we deserve this promotion..... that house.... this husband.... that recognition... that compliment... that bag of chocolates....  Mmm-mmm-mmmm.... girl.... I see that in myself.....

Oh I can cover it up pretty durn good with a great "martyr" act.  In other words, I get on my high horse and take the lofty road of long suffering piety.  After all, don't I choose to do the right thing? .... on the outside anyway.  In fact, I can be so good at playing the martyr that I even fool myself.

Yes, I sincerely try to make right choices, all the while ignoring that inner adolescent that is screaming "I WANT IT NOW!" (as if ignoring her will make her go away.  Not!) 

Now, I know this is a common human tendency. However, if I want to become someone who is transparent.... who is congruent..... the same on the inside as I am on the outside, then I might want to take a little time to acknowledge there is a bit of an issue here.

I'm not going to beat myself up, yet I do feel that sharp sting of remorse when I discover I have been  marching along with that repulsive attitude. That I have been grandly and graciously tipping my head at the little people who are not as perfected as me in martyrdom.... Those self indulgent, clueless hacks in my world that are unskilled in laboring so mightily at properly serving ME... the bravely suffering saint....

Alas, they fail me so greatly.... sigh... oh woe is me.....  But I must continue to valiantly forge ahead, being the faithful heroine of my own story.... since no one else is going to do it!..... (Sheila mournfully moans as she throws herself back to languish on her plump pillows of self pity, eyes closed, one hand theatrically thrown up to her perspiring brow.....)  Hahaha!  Sorry.... I DO have the tendency to be a teensy melodramatic!

I looked in the mirror recently and saw the face of Miss Molly Martyr looking back at me.  It took the wind out of my sails.... it felt like I was punched in the gut because I had been living like this for years, in a certain situation.... it was ugly.....

Internally it was like I suddenly went rigid with shock and disbelief when faced with that ugly little Veruka in me.  WHA..!  HOW...!  WHO....!  I never saw her hiding in there, creeping around in my heart like this tiny  little termite eroding the very foundation of truth, transparency and honesty that I was attempting to build in myself.

To be honest, I didn't know what to do.  It was like everything in me went limp in defeat and I simply...did... not.... know.... what.... to.... do.  I hadn't even sensed that nasty little critter was scurrying around so how was I going to repair the damage that had been unknowingly done?

For me personally, I did the only thing I knew to do.  I went to prayer and quietly whispered "Help. I don't know where to go from here...."

There was no trying to figure it out.  That causes too much confusion and I was already confused enough.  I just simply needed to sit and be...  Be remorseful..... be lost.... be still.....   After a while a peace came in and I knew that I could move forward, grateful that my inner Veruka and my outer Mother Theresa could finally meet and be honest with each other.

A few days later Dr. Dan mentioned The Spoiled Child Syndrome and I identified with it perfectly.  I was then able to catch a glimpse of why I had been one person on the inside and another on the out.  I was trying to do the right things... at least I WANTED to do the right things..... so didn't I deserve my treat!  I WANT IT NOW!

It was a moment of freedom for me.  It helped me to identify just how little Veruka found a home embedded in my spirit.  For me, I did feel like I worked hard to make the right choices in life, so didn't I deserve to have my desired treat, even if it wasn't good for me...?  Or maybe not the right time for me to have it.....?

Do you ever feel you have a little Veruka running around in you?  On the outside you are acting one way, while on the inside total anarchy is going on?

I feel a great peace in at last identifying that obnoxious spoiled little whippersnapper in myself.  I don't feel the need to paddle her because she honestly did not recognize the misbehavior in herself, and she was sincerely sorry once she did. 

I'm not sure how this will play out but I will tell you that once I recognized the tendency to play "martyr", it was like a healing began.  There is a peace and understanding toward myself and others that wasn't there before.

When you can recognize and acknowledge a pattern of wrong thinking, it seems to lose it's power over you.  Yes, it takes awhile to mop up the residue it leaves behind, but now there is often a feeling of tranquility as you serenely begin to unwind the snarls of self deception.

What is happening is your character is changing.  YOU are changing from the inside out instead of from the outside in.  It's a common misconception so many of us have.  We focus on making the outside look proper, when really we should be focusing on our inner selves.... our internal thoughts.... our motives.

As you do this, please.... PLEASE.... be kind to yourself.  Love yourself.  You are unique!  You are wonderful! You are amazing!  Celebrate that you have matured enough to recognize Miss Veruka Salt in you, so now you can take her by the hand and love her to wholeness....  I said LOVE her, not beat her about the head and shoulders! 

All of us can fall into the martyr trap, and probably will, on more than one occasion in our lives.   Just recognize it,  forgive yourself, and love yourself through it.  You're learning...  Life is a journey, some times great, sometimes not so great.  Embrace it!  It's what makes you, YOU!

The Green Eyed Monster....

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud....

jeal.ous.y

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness..

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

I really long to see the "fruits of the spirit" bearing a harvest in me. Girl... I mean I REALLY long for it.

Regardless if you believe in a higher power or not, what if you could be patient, kind, not jealous, boastful, or proud, not irritable?  What if you kept no record of being wronged,  did not rejoice about injustice but rejoice whenever the truth wins out?  

What if you could believe that love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.... ?  If these attributes naturally flowed out of you, wouldn't life be so much easier... so much more peaceful?!

I do see a great maturing in these characteristics in my life, however one I have struggled with is jealousy. You know what, I think I may have been in an unnecessary wrestling match with it. I have let it remain a bigger opponent than it truthfully is.

In most things I am not jealous, however I know when it comes to a romantic area, jealousy could rear it's ugly head or at least ignite into a slow simmer.  I have believed  I am to totally snuff that out and not allow any particle of it to flicker in me before I can consider myself a victor in this area.

BUT what if it is normal to have  "mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc?"  What if is is normal to have "vigilance in maintaining or guarding something?"

What if it's how we choose to act that is the issue... that show's our maturity...?  Interesting and curious concept....

The first thing to do is acknowledge it.  If we ignore it, hide it, and crush it down, I believe it is then that it can grow into "jealous resentment against a rival...a person enjoying success or advantage."  

In myself, I have developed the belief that I need to beat those feelings of jealousy down with an ugly stick, wrap them up in a dirty tarp and hide them in the closet so no one will know they exist in our relationship.  

However, the more I do that, the more difficult it becomes to keep the carcass from becoming a huge, smelly ogre.  The resentment seems to grow and get uglier when hidden away, and actually seems to flourish in the darkness of secrecy.  

I have begun to look at jealousy with curious eyes.... I want to get acquainted with it's truth; I want a chance to learn more about this nasty little creature and what makes him tick.... what makes him manageable.

I prayed over the topic then did what most people consider the practical thing:  I googled jealousy.  I found that most people agree it is a normal thing, and it is how you handle it that determines the power it has.  I ran across a marvelous quote that says  "Manipulation comes from self-centeredness that is willing to hurt another person."  

I agree!  Jealousy makes us willing to hurt another to get what we want, or to get an outcome or reaction we want.  Manipulation is a very real method of acting upon this willingness.

In my experience I found hidden jealousy can become stronger, and eventually lead toward a willingness to hurt someone to get what we want.  What we want may even be evidenced by us lashing out to hurt someone like we are hurting.... to "get even" with them.  The cold, bitterness resentful jealousy brings can push us to want others to hurt like we hurt.

So... once we acknowledge these feelings of jealousy, how do we address them?

I recently faced this crisis of jealousy.  I acknowledged to myself a jealousy.... a coveting,  a wanting of something more from a certain relationship, than I could have.... but not until it started to get ugly.  I then realized I no longer wanted to hide the tumultuous emotions.  Does that mean I allow them to "all hang out?" Do I let the green eyed little bugger out of its' cage??  Uh.... no.... That didn't quite seem a comfortable fit either.

As I pondered this, a delighted understanding came to me when I recognized that I did not want to indulge or react to the reflex to display these emotions.  Allowing them to run wild no longer feels natural to me.  Eureka!  A sign of maturity!

So what do we do when faced with jealousy?  I don't feel there is any one cut and dried solution, as no two instances... no two people....are alike.

I believe it depends on the situation, on the depth of a relationship, and dare I say it..... motives.

Do you ever have situations where you feel unable to express yourself when faced with a need to confront someone?  Do you feel unable to?  I occasionally do.  Why? Because of a rigid belief I have that I am not to confront others.  A belief that I am "not allowed" to express myself .  That it is inappropriate to open up.  That my words could cause an avalanche of chaos, hurt someone, or cause discomfort .  My "in the box" thinking hinders me
.
I have been on a journey of critical thinking.... of observing my beliefs in me and asking "Is this how I truly believe or is this a learned belief.  Why do I think the way I think?"   In other words, it it my true belief or did my upbringing, experiences, or society establish this belief?

Why do I believe I can't be open about things?  Why am I so rigid in my thinking?  I recognize it's because I have somehow received that message from the church.  Again....Is it what I personally believe? Hmmm.... interesting question.  I'm going to take a moment to ponder this.

I have to say no... I don't share that view because of my experiences in life and because no two situations are alike  Why cover things with a blanket of uniformity.... approach each dilemma as the unique, singular experience it is.  So often things aren't black and white, instead they are a vast array of colors and shades.

I have a situation that is definitely one that will take continued time, thought, and, for me, prayer, before I move forward.  I have to examine my motives, the depth of the relationship, and appropriateness.  No, I'm not in a pleasant predicament but I truly believe that each trial we face is an opportunity to learn and grow.  I am eager at that thought of exploring yet another phase some relationships face, but am aware that discretion, wisdom, and love needs to be prominently and liberally sprinkled over this garden of growth.

Experience is not what happens to a woman.  It is what a woman does with what happens to her....  ~Aldous Leonard

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Aristotle

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_jealousy.html#T14ReWtv3zOAKWqL.99

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Aristotle

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_jealousy.html#T14ReWtv3zOAKWqL.99

Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy.

Aristotle

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_jealousy.html#T14ReWtv3zOAKWqL.99

A Hot Mess...

 Lately I've been thinking about updating the layout of my blog.  I've been looking at the blogs of others and noticing the clean, simple lines of their site... the tidy tabs at the top, organizing subjects.

Then I come back and look at mine.  Clean?  Simple? Black and white?  sigh.....

My title says it all.... Mess....  The background is a delightful chaotic spill of girly colors.  The font of my title is in childlike balloon letters.

My favorite blogs and reads are crammed and crunched over to one side of the page.  There is also some powerful editing that needs to be done to make things an easier read.  I'm working on it.... I'll get there.... eventually....  Maybe....

As I pondered over how to address these issues today, my mind drifted to a post on a friend's blog I read last night.  This line stands out at the moment "individuality is suppressed and outward expression of uniqueness is erased." (Thanks *Rebecca!)   Wow.... I've been there and everything in me fights against it today.  Thus my helter-skelter layout and way of looking at life....

For a time, when living in religious conformity, I forced myself to live in a black and white world.  There were no shades of grey, and definitely no kaleidoscope of fun, girly colors splashed around in my spiritual life. 

I may often sound like a broken record through out my writings on this blog, as I often touch on the same subjects; uniqueness, relationship instead of religion, love instead of control and punishment, quotes to clarify what I'm trying to say.  Lots of quotes.....

As I look back at last years posts, yes.... I do still see a lot of religiousity in them but I also see the liberal splashes of truth and growth scattered throughout.  Like a seed finally sown in good soil I'm beginning to flourish....

This has not been a neatly organized, tidy, ladylike process for me.  I have come out of the box of rigidly organized religion kicking, screaming and running like my hair is on fire.  It has NOT been clean and simple.  Every day I continue to get caught on the brambles of uncertainty and indecision.  It find's me asking myself  "Am I straying too far.... Am I pushing the boundaries of grace just a little too much?"

I have reached a point where I am tired of fear.  My friends tell me when I feel afraid, it means I'm not ready to move forward.  I have begun to believe that it can very well be a time when God is saying "Fear is not of me.... go ahead.... I've got your back!"

Yes, my blog layout may be colorful, cramped and untidy in places, full of chaotic thoughts, and... well.... just a hot mess.  But that is me right now..... a hot mess.  And you know what?  I'm learning to love the explosion of colors that are blasting out of the tightly closed crate I hid them in.

Look at your life.... Do you often feel a desire to be carefree again?  To take risks again?   Do you feel giggles escaping at inappropriate times?  Do you feel the need to slip on your capri's and flip flops, grab a book and a glass of iced tea and wander down to the lake shore, instead of doing those chores you know just have to be done?

Don't be ashamed or condemned because of your very real human reactions and desires.  Yes, we have to be responsible in how we handle things... we can't hurt ourselves or others.... but we can acknowledge what is just true in the moment.

However it is that you want to step out of the box, maybe you should try it even if it feels uncomfortable.  However you want to splash those vibrant colors inside you onto that black and white canvas of life, do it!

Do you want to take a class? Do it!  Do you want to write a book? Do it!  Do you want to let your hair down and just be you?  Do it!  Do you want to volunteer somewhere? Do it! Do you want to have a slumber party with your grown up friends and just feel youthful for a night? Do it!  Do you need to seek counsel to get rid of baggage from your past?  Do it now!  Don't wait another day!

Yes, we do have to be that responsible grown up a lot of the time.  However, please do let that dreamer.... that silly heart.... come out and play occasionally.  And whether you do it in a neatly organized fashion or in a full blown disarray of child like abandon, just do it!  Start today!

 ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* ★¨`*• ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* ★¨`*• ♥.•* ★¨`*•  ♥.•* 
 Check out *Rebecca's amazing blog!  thepresentmom.blogspot.com

It IS About You....

"It's not about you...."  Oh razzberries!   I'm here to say "You know what?  It IS about you!"

Maybe I'm beating a dead horse here but I felt the need to continue where I left off in my last post.

Until you know who you are... what your purpose is... to love you for you.... imperfections and all....you will not fully know how to love others.

How many of you have searched in vain to "figure out" what your purpose it, only to remain frustrated and clueless to this day?  Do you want to know the secret??!

Sorry to disappoint, but I have no hard and fast rules, principles or formulas for you to follow.  As a matter of fact, I discourage those things.

Instead of bringing freedom, rigidly followed principles and formulas can actually cause you to put your situation in a box and to become unimaginative in your thinking.  You may be unable to see other options when there are absolutely limitless possibilities!

“I think you will agree that life's plans are not always tied up in neat little packages. Occasionally we find ourselves at unexpected crossroads with more than one opportunity from which to choose." - Linda Lee Chaikin, Tomorrow's Treasure   

That said, on this blog I will often share with you moments that were turning points for me.  One of those moments, a moment that offered freedom, was when I was given permission to make mistakes while walking that road to discover my purpose.  Have I found it yet?  It feels like I may have, but only time will tell.

How will you find yours?  I can't tell you.  It's a unique, one of a kind, exciting adventure that only you can explore. 

Quit fixating on the outcome.  Delight in your journey instead of focusing so hard on your destination.  Allow things to unravel at their own pace and trust all you are learning will only add to your story. 

I began to search myself for what I love to do... what my heart yearned to do...  I bounced around from idea to idea.  As I said in my  last post, I thought I was to look "out there" and focus on helping others, instead of looking "inside me" and focus on what fulfilled me.

I'm blessed to be part of a small group that focuses on encouraging each other, and of increasing our knowledge of who we and each other are.  It is from them that I received direction when I was asked "You are creative.   How can you use that creativity?"  More than one said they saw my writing as my passion.

Search yourself to discover what you love to do, but also ask friends what they see as your gift... your passion.

Along the way I discovered something.  I'm learning trust of myself and others.... trust that I'm making progress even when it doesn't look like it.  I'm discovering a strength and resilience in myself that I didn't know existed.  I'm beginning to admire my willingness to take leaps of faith even if I occasionally find myself dangling from a tightrope of unpredictability.

What I have discovered is, for me, when I write I am totally zoned out to all else.  I LOVE digging and delving into my creative side and being allowed to express my observations that are ready to bubble over at any given time.  Here they come! Ready or not!

It's a place where I need no one else but also a place where my passion, my purpose, can reach out and touch others.  It's focusing on doing what I love, it's focusing on me and my journey, and it can then be used to encourage others.

See how that works?  I focused on me... on taking the time to discover who I was... to love me.... and to find out what I love to do for me... write.  It's because I focused on me that I can then begin to allow that to flow into encouraging others.

So you see, it IS about you.  It IS about putting you first even though we are taught the exact opposite through out life.

I am not talking about selfishness here.  A way to be truly successful in love is to study the ones you care for.  Learn what makes them tick.  Learn what they want... what their dreams are.... what makes them feel satisfied, loved and complete.  Shouldn't we extend the same courtesy to ourselves first?

Give yourself and the people in your life an invaluable gift:  invest in the time to discover who you are, what you love, what feeds your passion... learn to love yourself.  Recognize what a unique gift you are to this world and to the people in it.

Are you not sure what you love... what your passion is?  Well, pick one.  Any one...  Make a choice and go for it.  Trust that God will guide your steps.  Even if you do not see yourself as a spiritual person, trust your inner instincts that say "mmm.... not feelin' it", or "this is the way, walk in it."

Most of all, don't take it so serious.  Relax, enjoy, have fun.... Don't consider any dead end a failure,... consider it learning... an investment in yourself and your future.  You can google "inventors that failed miserably before sucess" and find countless stories.  Here is one phenomenal story of rags to riches:

"Today he rakes in billions from merchandise, movies and theme parks around the world, but he had a bit of a rough start. He was fired by a newspaper editor because, "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas." After that, he started a number of businesses that didn't last too long and ended with bankruptcy and failure. He kept plugging along, however, and eventually found a recipe for success that worked."  Who was he?  Walt Disney....

What?!  Lacked imagination???  Let that encourage you!  Don't be afraid to fail... and fail.... and fail again.  As a matter of fact, I don't like the word "fail".  Instead I prefer to see it as a curve in the road that is guiding me away from what won't work and directing me closer to what does.

If you, like me, need someone to tell you "It's ok to spend time focusing on yourself", well, I'm giving you permission right now.  It's ok to invest in yourself.  As a matter of fact, it makes the world a better place when you do because it is then that it can become about others.

It's ok to love you for you.....

The Aroma of Freedom.....

 "I was realizing that True love grows out of a deep inner strength which comes from knowing who you are.

True love grows out of the certainty and confidence of knowing your purpose, your design. And from being alive inside..

The knowledge that I had a reason to “be” became more powerful than rejection…than the realization that someone was not right for me… than criticism…than hurt…than loss…

It set me free to live my life, even alone, because there was something more important than being in a relationship."Bernice McDonald

I love sharing bits of truth I run across with friends.  I hope it's ok that I consider you my friend and want to share things I read, hear, lean and discover about life and myself with you.

I am not a professional blogger, writer, teacher or encourager.  However,  I do enjoy doing those things.   What you read here comes from a heart that is learning.... that is becoming open and healed and eager to share my journey with you; one who hopes to hear about yours.

I feel as if my spirit is standing, arms spread wide, head thrown back, breathing in an intoxicating aroma that I recognize as freedom.....  Could that possibly be what that sweet fragrance is...?

There has been a major, all out attack on my beliefs.... on how I view my purpose.  I have been seeing my purpose as focusing on others "out there";  I was to be "out there" coming alongside the hurting .  

Yes, how I live out my purpose will benefit others but what feeds me?.....my spirit?  What brings me the most enjoyment?   I would have to say it is writing.

I feel a peace, a rightness, and a deep satisfaction when writing.  To borrow a corny phrase from the movie Jerry McGuire, "It completes me." 

 It doesn't matter whether I am journaling, blogging, writing an email or furiously scribbling an angry letter....  I love communicating this way.  In recognizing this,  I feel some.... some.... inner knowing that wasn't there before.  

Can I be honest here?  Confessing that makes me feel... well, silly.  I am the "Queen of Flights of Fancy", living at the corner of Scattered Thoughts Street and Utter Chaos Road.  Who am I to think I can lasso my stampeding herd of  hysterical logic and turn it into oh so perfectly penned prose?  (Whew! Say that fast three times!)

Will anything come of it?  Will anyone 'get it"?  Who knows.  That doesn't take away from the fact that I love it.

In conversation yesterday, when talking about my desire for a relationship, I explained that I did not NEED someone but I WANTED someone to share this journey of helping others... someone to hold my hand.  

The question was put to me "What brings you the most enjoyment?"  It's writing. "Do you see someone holding your hand while you're writing?"  

Uh...No.....  It's something I get lost in and I don't want anyone else there.  I don't need anyone else...."  Wha...? What did I just say?!

In saying that, it was like I could feel, and even SEE, enlightenment.

My focus went from "out there" and wanting someone to hold my hand in that journey, to "in me" and feeling an inner stabilizing... a gratifying peace.  There was a sudden feeling of freedom.  There is a sense that life will be phenomenal with or without a relationship.  

Will I view things differently tomorrow?  Next week?  I don't know but it seems like something has changed..... I hope permanently...

Today I ran across an offer for free books.  My eyes glanced at, and dismissed, a book titled "Never Give Up on True Love" by Bernice McDonald.  A romance novel?  Not for me.

I swear I felt a little nudge that said "look again."  Maybe it was the Mexican food I had for lunch doing a little rumba,  but I think not....  

The book was NOT a romance novel.  It was a true story written from the heart of a woman who had loved and lost, and continued to lose. It was a story of how, through brokenness, she discovered God's purpose for her in the mess she called life.

I immediately began to read it and have continued to do so throughout the day.  I literally felt a small jolt in my spirit when I read the words that I began this post with.

That's me! That's how I feel today!!!  And I hope it continues to grow and develop into a full fledged outpouring of the authentic me.

This has been what my last two years of praying, hoping, growing, learning,  inner struggle and grasping at the elusive strands of change have been all about;  It's about knowing who I am... really... knowing my purpose and design..... knowing I have a reason to "be".....  to experience freedom.

Could it be that I am finally getting it?!  That I'm finally seeing the truth?  I don't know but for tonight.... just for tonight.... I'm going to believe, just believe that my focus has finally shifted.

I don't think this book could have come at a more perfect time. Does she get a guy in the end?  I dunno know.  You'll have to read it...  Let me close by using one more quote from Bernice.... one that captures my thoughts in a nutshell:

 "I am discovering the incredible magic that comes to your life when you begin to meet your own needs....".          Oh yeah...........

*A big thanks to Kim for being the wonderfully wise woman that asked me the question that enabled things to finally click into place in my spirit, because I sure wasn't grasping it in my head!  Luv ya, friend.....

 I Got Your Back.....

I'm not about leading..... But I am about instigating. I'd rather we walk alongside each other in this life, than one in front of the other. But, if I see that you need a push, I'll get behind you... and I hope you'll do the same for me.  Jamie Wright

I absolutely LOVE this quote!  It's how I see myself.   Me leading?  Pshaw....  But me INSTIGATING??  Now THAT I can do! And giving you a push....?! I'm there! 

I absolutely adore running across amazing bits of wisdom and truth, slapping it on a platter, and serving it up to anyone who will listen and engage.  There is nothing more exhilerating!

This is just me trailing my bread trail of random thoughts here, but when someone says they see me as "A leader", it's like saying I have an inside track on some special information and therefore more qualified to tell someone else what they need to do.  Uh... no.....  But I'll be glad to serve you up a saucer of "life as I see it" a la' mode.

I do see myself as an instigator.  Let me digress here for a moment.... I love the word "instigate" because it means to "urge on".... to "stir up".....  

That's what I love to do... urge others on..... stir up their  imagination, their hunger and thirst for life, for relationships, for God, for change, for.... for more..... more than what we've been led to believe is available to us.  

Most of us have been taught that there is a limit to what we can achieve in this life.  Often those limits are very restricted by our own perceptions.

I have become a "what if" girl and I think I have a friend or two that just cannot grasp that concept.  I see a titch of irritation come in when I stray from fact's to "what if...."  

What can I say?  I'm a dreamer.  I love the quote from the movie Uncle Buck - "I don't think I want to know a six year old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart."  OH YEAH!  That's me!  A sillyheart!

No, I am not six years old on the outside, but I certainly am on the inside.  Ask my friends.... I LOVE silliness!  It comes naturally to me.  You could say it's a gift!  Though some people aren't so sure it's a gift....

Over the last few days I have read over my blog posts from last year.  I have not allowed people to read them. I didn't even read them..... until now.  Ummm.... do I like them?   Not so much.  As I look them over I don't see a trace of that sillyheart.  I see a heart that is very bogged down with trying to figure things out.  

I know I can't always be silly.... and believe me..... often I won't be and you'll be wishing I was! I have a tendency sometimes to try to dig too deep.  Well, grab a shovel and come join me.  It's going to be a bumpy ride! : D

Come As You Are....

"I'm probably gonna go back to the lifestyle I lived before, so I can't go to church.  I don't want to give the things up I know I'd have to, if I do go...."  

These words were said to me this week by someone I care for very much.  She was talking about the choices she would make if she ended her current relationship.

She opened up the door to talk about God, and I simply said "God loves you just as you are.  If and when you're ready,  ask Him to show you who He is."

It just burns my biscuits that so many of us, in our religiousity, put that belief out there- That belief that says "To be a Christian, you have to change."  Often I feel that can drive a wedge between God and so many that are already hurting. I know this because I've experienced it.

Will change come about when one becomes a Christian? Well, sure.... But normally not from us trying to do it ourselves.  When change comes it is the wonder and power of God at work. We just come as we are.

In the video for the song "Come as you are" (see below) there is an amazing quote that says  "Before trying to offer people a helping hand, Jesus listened first for their hurting heart."  Wow.... If we could just take the minutes, hours, days and years to listen to someone's hurting heart instead of trying to "fix them",  what sort of difference could that make in the lives of others?  When it comes to addressing a situation with someone,  I hope it is my heart that speaks the loudest, not my flapping gums.


My point is, I feel I am developing an understanding... an ability to differenciate between "tolerance for sin", and "showing grace/love".  I am not shouting "It's ok to sin.  Do whatever you want."  Instead I am quietly whispering "I love you for you, right where you are."

I know the benefits of this because it is what has been the biggest factor in deepening my trust and love for God.  When I feel that I have to change... that I'm not good enough just as I am.... I resist.  If I don't resist it could be because I feel I have to "obey or else".   Resentment begins to ooze through me and my naughty inner child throws a tantrum like no other, stomping her feet in a petulant snit. It is through practicing radical acceptance of myself and of others, that I find some semblance of contentment.... of peace.  When I'm walking in unacceptance, then I'm cantankerous.

Yeah... I occasionally come to a point where there is no other choice in a relationship but to confront an issue head on.  No, this is not a particularly pleasant task.  For me, the attitude with which someone approaches me is everything.  I try to approach others with the same kindness, tenderness, understanding, concern and care that I would want extended to me.

Unfortunately, sometimes that little angst ridden teenager we all have inside will bust out of the gate and demand someone change to fit our view of what they should be.  I just try to grab that little sucker by the hand and reign her in before she can whip her too uptight self into a frenzy.  Whew!  Anyone got a spanky spoon?!

If I do reach a point in a relationship where I feel comfortable giving unsolicited advice or needing to face an issue, I attempt to choose my words carefully and use great wisdom, attempting to not trample on their feelings. 

I guess what I am saying here is love deep, laugh often, listen always, advise others sparingly....  I saw a quote recently that really spoke to me.  "You cannot change someone but you can be the person they want to change for."  I feel this sums up what I am saying here today.  Accept others for who they are.  It's through that acceptance that true change can often begin to happen.

Yes, sometimes while waiting for the situation to iron itself out, you may need to evaluate and establish boundaries where needed.  I didn't say build a brick wall.... rather place that little low lying fence carefully around the perfectly ordered little yard of your life (HA!) until you feel it's safe to re-open the gate.

And yes... sigh... sometimes it is necessary to place some distance between you and one who cannot seem to come into agreement, to the point where friction is always inevitable.  I hope that if I ever need to do this, it is because I know that is what's best and not because I'm being judgmental and spiteful.

Back to the topic at hand.  When I attempt to change myself because of religious teachings... because of fear of not being good enough... it is usually only my outward behavior that changes.  Inside, I am still pretty much a hot mess.  It is only once I sincerely accept my imperfections, both inward and outward.... only once I began to radically accept myself for who I am right at any given moment, that true change begins.

Now.... let me confess here that while I might radically accept myself today, tomorrow I may again find myself  staring at me in horrified bemusement for some faux pas that I have committed.  Just because I feel I've reached the safe zone of inner love and peace today, doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be tackled by some incoming missile randomly shot off by life.  But that's what it's all about isn't it?  Peaks, valleys, mountains, ditches, highs, lows....

I am learning to trust God knows who I am inside and out, and He loves me anyway.  It is that kind of acceptance, that kind of love, that encourages a softening process in my heart to the point where He is able to flow in and begin to truly heal the hurt in me.

It is then that I begin to want to change.  It is also then that I begin to open my heart to accept others right where they're at and trust that GOD will do any "fixing" that may need to be done....