Beauty From Ashes...

"Never be ashamed of a scar.  It simply means that you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."  Anonymous

I have inherited an old house from my mother and have been slowly attempting to transform it myself.  You have to realize that I don't have much money and very little knowledge of how to re-do a home.  I arm myself with spray paint and Pinterest.... Well, I do a titch more than that, but seriously.... I do it myself, the easiest and cheapest way I can find.

I have been sanding my old wooden kitchen counters, hoping to restore them to some kind of former glory.  One reason I am doing this is because I love saving the original things as often as possible.  Another is because it's cheap!

Yesterday I attempted to stain a small portion of the counter just to see what happened.  Well, after all my hours of sanding it is obvious that I was NOT successful in removing most of the original protective coating.  The stain was only being absorbed in random areas, here and there.  I tried several different things, then finally just slathered a coat of stain over that whole section of counter and let it sit all night. It's still sitting there.. The result?  A distinct, unique, rich, dark blend of old and new.  I love it!  Now if it will just dry completely.... I think that will take at least a few days but if it works, WOW!

The funny thing is, everyone has been telling me to just get a whole new counter.  As I stand here looking at the thing, I DO see the shadows of the imperfections left by it's past life.  The thing is... I LOVE that!  The first thought that came to me was "You are just masking the crap, while not really restoring it to it's former glory."  The second thought was "These scars are beautiful."  You see, they add character and depth, and inspire one to wonder about it's past.  That's what happens to us.

Most of us have been badly wounded and scarred in life, and would love to believe that we can be fully healed and restored to our original former glory.  One without flaws, scars, and stretch marks.   However, there will always be remnants of scars left, no matter how hard we work to obliterate them.  But you see, it's those very scars that tells of the life you've lived and survived.  It reveals the story of your mistakes, trials, and triumphs.  Why would we want to obliterate our story?  Yes, many are horrendous, vile, and beastly.  We have done things, or had things done to us, that are dark and shameful.  But they are a part of your story, no matter how much you wish they weren't.  The amazing thing is that you lived through these things, and they were used to create the depth and richness of a survivor and over-comer.

You could let these things define you, but instead you choose to use them to better your life and the the lives of others.  The amazing qualities that were brought out in you, can be used to help someone else through their dark times.

Ya know, if this stain on my counters dries completely, I will cover it with a hard, beautiful veneer.  But that veneer will not represent some hard, brittle, hostile shell to protect that I've erected to hide those scars.  Instead, it will represent and reflect the beauty, strength, and survival of these amazing counters.  It will enhance their scars and put them on refined, beautiful, tasteful display for my friends and family to see, and to benefit from.

Don't let anyone tell you that your scars are ugly and shameful.  They are proof of your strength, resilience, and courage.  The experiences that caused them helped to create the unique, phenomenal, one-of-a-kind gift that you are to this world.  Go ahead.  Heal and become at peace with those things that happened to you in your past.  However, don't be ashamed or afraid when you run the fingers of your memory over them and find the residual flaws left behind.  Those memories are your legacy to help others find the path to their own peace and renewal.  This is the way that time turns beauty into ashes...

Going With the Flow.....
It's funny how my mind will sometimes run around in circles like a hamster on it's wheel.  Not funny haha, but funny that I often DO seem to end up with somewhat of a possible answer.  Often, it's not really an answer but a conclusion I've jumped to.  However, there is another way.   The trick to that is not trying to wrinkle my brow and figure it out but to just let the thoughts flow.  Relax....let your mind unwind and let the thoughts flow....

 If I begin to get frustrated, tense, or anxious I know I'm trying to "figure things out."  When you look like THIS woman below, it just may be a good indication that you are NOT going with the flow....

Look at the woman above, laying on the beach, relaxed, allowing the warm sun and exotic breezes to lull her into a state of drifting.  That is how we want to feel when we are "going with the flow..." in our thinking. It's much better than the alternative, isn't it!!!?

Some people call this going with the flow in thinking "stream of consciousness."  As one person puts it, " our sequence of thoughts has been likened to a meandering and irrepressible stream.." (Morsella).  I'll steal a bit of a sentence from a critic on Wikipedia,  "a continuous stream of rich and detailed experiences, happening one after the other to a conscious person...  (If you want to know more about this topic, Google it or ask me.)

It is said that one must practice mindfulness to be successful at allowing their stream of consciousness flow:

Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.

Mindfulness also involves acceptance, meaning that we pay attention to our thoughts and feelings without judging them—without believing, for instance, that there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future. (GGSC)

Ok...I got the lesson part out of the way so on with the show.  I, myself, am a firm believer in asking God to give me the answers.  However, I have learned some of the tools on making myself more open to Him.  I am still a novice at practicing mindfulness and stream of consciousness but feel I am getting better at going with flow.

For you who are Christians, you may think this is some Buddhism mumbo-jumbo.  For those who are not, you may think this is some holier than thou hocus-pocus approach.  Think what you want.  It works.  We all seem to have many of our answers packed away neatly inside of ourselves.  Practicing mindfulness and stream of consciousness seems to unclog our "energy" pipes.  Translate that to "spiritual pipes" for you Christians, and "perception pipes" to you non-Christians. 

Just like oxygen flows through your blood to keep it healthy and flowing, you are giving oxygen to your thoughts when you allow them to flow in stream of consciousness.  When you grab your thoughts and try to bend and twist them into something that makes sense, often you cause what I like to call "mental neuropathy."  This is not a technical term:  I am just being silly here, but you catch my drift.  (Neuropathy means malfunction of the nerves)

To illustrate, today I was letting thoughts flow through my head about two people I know.  One seems intent on pointing out the mistakes of others, yet hates her own pointed out.  She is a very confident person, and likes herself.  However, as I allowed my thoughts to flow what came to me was "She is NOT so confident.  She has to make herself feel good by "helpfully" pointing out their errors.  This began when someone else in our lives became so critical of us.  My friends confidence became eroded also, so she had to begin to take control..." Hmm.... Interesting...  Then another friend told me they like the finer things in life.  However, they don't seem as intent on making their own character a "finer thing in life..."  Then it hit me.  They are not being congruent.  Their inner being is not matching their outer being.  They are not being who they are.... Hmm...

Now, I am someone who believes in a little thing called confirmation.  I believe God can confirm our thoughts to give us an indication that we are on the right track.  After having this enlightening experience in my thinking process, I decided to have a little "God time."  I pulled up a podcast I love to listen to, The God Journey, and this weeks broadcast was called "The False Self of Relgious Performance."  A line from it's synopsis caught my eye"...performance can force us to create a false self to fit into the program and think ourselves better than others" (Jacobsen).  This applies to everyone and anyone.  We can create a false self to "fit in" or to think ourselves better than others... Hmm...  Anyway, this is another topic.

My point is, investigate into mindfulness and stream of consciousness.  Learn how to let those thoughts flow instead of twisting you up into knots.  Relax, breathe, and go with the flow.  It just brings a peace into your life that is much needed by everyone....


Sources Cited

Morsella, Eziquiel, Ph.D. "Control of the Stream Of Consciousness?" Psychology Today. Sussex 
     Publishers, LLC, 5 Feb. 2015. Web. 19 Dec. 2015. 

Staff Reviewers. "What Is Mindfulness?" Greater Good Science Center. University of CA, Berkley, n.d. 
     Web. 19 Dec. 2015. <http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition>. 

Wikipedia contributors. "Stream of consciousness (psychology)." Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. 
     Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 3 Oct. 2015. Web. 19 Dec. 2015. 

Whose in the Driver's Seat?! 

I love humor.... I just started reading a book called Moses Was a Basket Case by J.J. Jasper.  Let me tell you, I am only on the fifth chapter (they're short), and I had to stop to write.  This guy is funny with a capital F.  I am totally charmed by a guy with a sense of humor! (smile)  For some light-hearted reading by a christian author, I encourage you to try this book.  

In chapter 4, Jasper talks about his enthusiasm to learn to fly, and his first flight lesson.  There was some miscommunication and the instructor he was given assumed Jasper had had 20 or 30 hours of flight already.  The instructor had him climb, cold turkey, into the pilots seat and verbally took him one step to the next on getting it started and into the air.  Jasper was freaked out but did as he was told.  The instructor chalked up Jasper's slow responses and mistakes down to nerves.  Jasper was apparently intimidated by his "authority figure's" experience, and instead of speaking up about his doubts and fears, he went along with the guy.  He describes his thoughts this way:

My heart was hammering at this point, my nostrils flared and my eyes were wide open.  The veins on my neck must have been bulging like Barney Fife's...  I was wide awake, with all senses razor sharp.  I wondered, if aviation training is this concentrated, what is Green Beret trailing like or how do they treat physicians on their first day of med school?  Does someone in a lab coat greet them with a  clipboard in hand, declaring, "Oh, so this is your first day.  Alright, go down to room 107 and get started on that appendectomy.  Just get as far as you can and I'll be down shortly to check on your progress!"

Whew!  I don't know about you but this seems to happen to me a lot in life!  People think I know more than I do and I just go along, thinking they know best and not wanting to appear stupid.  I have perfected the art of keeping my face blank and nodding along like "I follow ya.... I smell what your steppin' in..."  Inside I am shrieking "Please God, please God!  Strike me with a lightening bolt of instant knowledge, here!  Help an ole gal out!"

You know what?  I'm getting tired of playing this game.  I've learned no to assume that all authority figures, even in the Church, know what they are doing all the time.  If you feel confused or wary about something, don't hesitate to check into it further.  As for pretending that I'm able to grasp all that is dished out, I'm learning to humbly admit I'm not following them.... sometimes....  It irritates some people when I question them to get clearer answers, so I sometimes used my best judgment and do what I feel is needed.  If it doesn't meet their standards then I apologize and let them know I was doing what I felt they wanted. 

That said, I do attempt to do the best job that I can.  It has taken me years, but I am learning to "work as unto the Lord. (Col. 3:23)  In my case, I am finding that keeping my eye on the response or rewards I'm getting from co-workers and my boss trips me up now.  In my younger years at this job, I could do no wrong.  Now, it seems I often can do no right. I am realizing that this could be due to the fact that I began to lose confidence in myself.  Any negative feedback I get feeds that lack of confidence, which fuels the ole mistake-o-meter.  Maybe it truly is what my co-worker says.  That after twenty plus years, I am burnt out and need something new.  However, no matter how positive job interviews look, that door never opens.  Maybe he wants me where I am so that I learn to focus on working as unto Him, and not unto others.  Also, the flexibility has come in very handy while my mom was sick and while I am going to school.

So who's flying that shiny silver plane that you call your life?  Who's in your driver's seat? Are you meekly going along with the flow and letting others tell you what to do even when your innards are screaming, "STOP!  Let's get on the same page here!" ?  Are you "following the leader" in Church, even when things don't feel right?  Are you letting your friends tell you how to live?  Well... I will say living that way seems easier.  However, from experience, I can tell you that letting anyone but God sit in the co-pilot seat of your life can wreck ya, so be wise about that.  It's okay to ask questions.  It's okay to stop and let someone know that you need a little more information before you proceed.  It's the learning process of life, education, and Christian growth that is the most important thing.  It's NOT the final destination.... It's the journey it takes to get there that helps you to become who you truly are.  Don't just hurry through it, or let someone else try to rush you.  Enjoy it.  Savor it.  Live it....

Speaking of education, I have to laugh when I look at my last entry on this blog.  I DID have a big freak-out!  Haha!  And with good cause.  Not because I'm too old but because it is VERY time consuming.  Between it and my full time job, I run around crazy most of the time.  More than once I literally had to stop in my tracks, wrinkle my brow, and concentrate hard to remember what day it was!  But let me tell you.... I think I met the love of my life.... education.  Yes, I could become a lifetime scholar if time and money would allow! 

Anyway, thinks for stopping by and listening to the "trials and tribulations of a desert wanderer."  It's time to saddle up the ole camel and head for the hills!  Okay, it's only time to get dressed, hop in my little Toyota, and head for work.  However, wording it the other way just sounds so much more adventurous! Haha!  Have a great day and remember to laugh as often as you can!


Jasper, J. J. Moses Was a Basket Case: Hilarious True Stories to Encourage and Inspire. Tupelo, MS: BrettMorgan Pub., 2001. Print.

The Freak Out Prayer....

Phillipians 4: ^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (The Message Version)

Dear Heavenly Father..... WHAT AM I DOING?!!! WHAT AM I THINKING?!!  AM I CRAZY?!!!

Father, as I start my first day of online college today, in this stage of my life, PLEASE be with me.  Please show me if I am just wasting time that could be spent living.  Father, I need you with me on this journey.  I now understand the freak out my youngest son had last summer, when the reality of college being just a year a way hit him in the face.

I guess I should follow the advice I gave him, huh, Father....

"Take it one step at a time.  You don't have to know your destination.  Just take the first step and you will begin to sense if the path you are on is beginning to veer in this or that direction." 

"Nothing you learn will be wasted.  It will all be put to use somewhere in your job or life."

"Quit looking at the big picture and look at the next step in front of you."

But Father, my son will be 18 on his first day of college.  I am 49....

Yes, Father, I know.... I've been running into so many messages lately that say "Follow your dream", that I can't deny it must be you encouraging me as I did my son.

But what if I'm not sure what my dream really is?  I want to write, to speak and to be able to help others through counseling when they are in a hard place, and even drug and alcohol counseling.  I'm saying I want to be a psychologist tho something feels a little off in me when I say that.  I don't have certainty...  But again, I need to follow my own advice to others, don't I....?

"You don't have to know what you want to do.  As you travel this journey, you will begin to sense the direction you want to go...."

In other words, I don't have to decide what I want to be when I grow up, yet...

Father, I feel a sense of your peace now.  Thanks for being there when I freak out.  Yes, I'm sure there will be more times of feeling fear at the thought of investing the countless hours and years in an education now...at the time when my life is half over.  But Father, I would encourage anyone, no matter their age, to pursue their dreams so I guess it's time I begin to encourage myself in the same way.

My life is not ending just because my youngest has graduated high school and that phase of life is over.  It's not time to pull up a rocker, drape my blanket over my shoulder, and wait to die.  It's just beginning again.... It's my second chance to do the things I wanted to do but didn't follow thru with when I was 18.

Thank you, Lord for second chances, and third chances, and countless chances.

I love you and I praise you, Lord.... Amen

Play It Again Sam....

As I say those words "Play it again, Sam", I am thinking about my habit of letting my mistakes, my ongoing sin, and even my perceived mistakes run thru my mind repeatedly.  They're like a broken record playing over and over.

One in particular has been running thru my mind over and over the past few days...

Two days ago, a Sunday, I led the service at my church.  This was a huge step for me but something in me desired to do it as soon as I was asked.  The plan was to tell my testimony and allow a few other women from the local women's shelter to tell theirs.

As the week went on, I prayed over what to say and would jot down things that came to me.  Amazingly, me... nervous nelly... was able to make it thru the week with very little apprehension.  Each time I felt fear and doubt begin to wiggle their wormy little hands into my spirit, I would just turn to my Abba Father and ask for His help.  Often I just repeated the mantra of "Jesus...Jesus...Jesus..." over and over.  I would feel peace begin to flow in.

Anyway, back to my point!

During my time in front of the congregation, one thing that came out was the topic of shame and fear.  About how they were two of the biggest things that caused people to flounder.

I told them what I had discovered.  That it seemed like only when I reached the point of just admitting defeat... defeat in trying to stop taking part in something I felt was sinful or hurtful... that I began to gradually see true change come.

When I thought back on those words I began to feel like I explained things inadequately.  It's not just "simple".  I hope I did not confuse anyone.  It's done now, but how could I explain it better in the future?  These thoughts began running thru my head over and over.... 

This morning I ran across an entry on a blog I like, and it had to do with this very thing.  Here, maybe I can let you follow my train of thought so you get a better understanding also:

Several months ago I finally admitted to myself and God that I was skirting danger in a "friendship" I had.  I knew that I was head over heels for this guy, even though he had a girlfriend.  He was very committed to her.  I thought it was ok to just enjoy the friendship and since I was not crossing any lines, I was good to go.

But... If it was ok, why was I in such turmoil almost constantly....?

I tried to fix it myself.  I tried to control my thoughts.... I tried to discontinue the friendship only to be pulled back in again and again... I tried, I tried, I tried.... 

Finally one night, I gave up in exhaustion.  I turned to God and, thumbing my nose at fear and shame, I just honestly admitted "I know this is wrong, but I don't want to give it up."  I felt a peace come over me and I swear I felt in my spirit that God was telling me "I got this..."  Instead of feeling alone and separated from Him, I felt closer.

As time went by, I felt more and more of a desire to pull away from the situation.  For one, I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  For another, how fair was this to his girlfriend?  Most of all, I hated the secrecy.  I hated pretending that I just felt friendship.

Was it easy? No.  Was it painless? No. But as time went by, after my admission to God, I just felt a knowing that I had to be honest.  I was so conflicted because I thought it was wrong to tell him of my feelings, but I wanted him to understand why I had to stop hanging out with him.  But, thru prayer and angst I reached a point where my desire for peace, my desire to do the right thing, overcame my desire for him.

It wasn't easy.  He resisted by pulling away from the friendship even after my admission.  However, just getting things out in the open was such a big relief that I was able to remain firm on maintaining my distance.

Here are some quotes from a blog I read today that spells out things a little more clearly for me:

"We do not want to reject Jesus’ work at the cross by trying and laboring to stop sinning. As Paul said, we are not disobeying God, we are rejecting Him and His power. This does not please God nor bring Him glory."

"It pleases God when we receive this power and reject the notion that we have to try and obey God with our willpower. That is displeasing to God. What pleases Him is when we need him, when we ask God for help."

To me that confirms what I have discovered.  It says, Just be honest with God, even about not wanting to give up the things that you know are not of him.  Surrender your need to do it yourself and admit to Him that you can't do it.  That without Him, the situation will never change.  You can't fix yourself, only He can.  And more to the point, it's only in coming to understand... to believe... to have faith in His firmly fixed foundation of LOVE, that you can more truly experience that healing from sin, hurtful desires, etc.

It's so simple that it is complex.  Simply believe in His love for you... That He loves you right where you are at, no matter what you are in.  It is simply believing in His love that allows power to flow thru you.  However, it is getting to that point of simply believing in His love that has been complex.  It has been a long, slow, painful journey because you see.... simply believing I am loved has not been so simple for me.

My goal is to get to the point where God's love, grace and healing are my focus.  Not focusing on being better, being sinless, being good, but focusing on His love.   It's focusing on discovering His love for me that will change my world.... THE world....

A Helping Hand Out of the Pit......

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path, and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2
 
I am facing my past at this moment, but not in a way you might expect.  I am forced to sit on the sidelines, wringing my hands, as my heart hurts for someone who is going through the very things that almost destroyed my life.

Actually, those things did destroy life as I knew it.  However, the things that were meant for my harm were used for the good.  Those things have paved the way for me to become softer, gentler and more loving.  What were those weapons of mass destruction?

They were overwhelming fear, crushing condemnation, toxic self hatred, debilitating doubt and feelings of black, oppressive failure.  I lived in what felt like total darkness, for a period of time.  It was a life devoid of the light that love, faith, hope, joy and peace brings.  I lived, for a season, in depression and the severe psychosis that spirit numbing fear can bring.  What was I afraid of? God and failing at keeping His "religious rules."  I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was following man made interpretations of Him and His rules.

Thankfully I was rescued from that life by a God who would not give up on me.  Even though I felt He had completely deserted me, I now KNOW He was down in that miry pit with me.  He was the one fighting the demons that tormented my soul.  He was the one keeping me safe even when I was in the bowels of hell in my mind and spirit.

Now I have run into a dear sweet woman who seems to be stumbling around in that cloudy haze of deception that the enemy uses to blind us.  Like I was, she is absolutely terrified of being out of God's will.  She feels that she ended up in some horrible places because she took herself out of His will.

To me, as someone reflecting on her own past, He focus wasn't on me being in His will.  He knew fear drove me to make the choices I did.  He knew, like with my friend, He is in a battle with the enemy.  This woman, like me, He see's as beautiful, precious, innocent and desperately wanting to please Him. 

I think my friend, so desperately holding on to Him even when she feels out of control, is right where she needs to be.  She IS in His will when she is refusing to give up on HIM.  It's not the places she stumbles into as she is trying to outrun the demons who are chasing her that are His focus.....  It's not the things fear drives her to do that He looks at....  No... It's her desperate need for Him that tugs at His heart.

"For the Lord says, “Because he loves me, I will rescue him; I will make him great because he trusts in my name."  Psalm 91:14

"I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Even when one reaches a place where they no longer feel God hears them.... Even when it feels their faith is completely gone and the opportunity to have Him in their life is destroyed....  Even when they give up.... Even then.... It is still the longing in their hearts to feel Him again that He see's.  That longing may only be a tiny bit of ash left lying in the deep recesses of their dead heart... but HE can bring that spark back to life.

I feel so helpless when I listen to this amazing woman because I remember how no one could get through to me.  But as I type, I also remember that no one I knew had experienced this so they just couldn't understand.  I have experienced this.  I do understand.....

I am praying, asking God to show me how I can come alongside her to somehow help her through this time.  What has come to me is to just walk beside her.  Allow her to feel and express these emotions and thoughts she has.  Allow her to know this is not crazy talk.  It's a very real valley... pit.... she is traveling through. 

As someone who has climbed out of that pit and is standing on the other side, I can tell her that life is glorious over here.  Is it easy?  No.  Is it pain free and fear free? No.  Do I have all the answers? No.  But there is a sensitivity, a heart that feels the pain of others and not just their own.  There is a peace underneath the surface turmoil.  And there is a trust in God that was never there before.

No, this journey has not been the easiest or the most fun.  But I'm still here.  And amazingly, FINALLY, I feel I am reaching a place in life where my earthly wants for stuff, things, people, is being replaced by a desire to give... to be the one who can in some way enrich another person's life, instead of demanding that they enrich mine. 

I hope in some way that I can be one who God can work through to give light, hope, laughter and love to the people I come into contact with.  Yes, there is still a lot of "Me" in my life. But as "Me" begins to soften and strengthen through the difficulties life brings, instead of harden and weaken, my priories are finally straightening out.


I'm finding that while my heart hurts for others and for what they have to go through, it also sings because He has allowed me to be a part of their world.  It soars at the hope and the desire to come alongside them and hopefully be able to shoulder some of their burden.

No, I don't rejoice because they are suffering but I do know that they will learn, grow, strengthen and find peace as they survive this temporary affliction.  I do rejoice because I know God came alongside me and helped me through, and now He allows the knowledge I learned through my trials, to help others.  It's amazing......

"He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

Let's Do This!

Do you ever have those moments where you reach the point of such determination, you (hopefully) can't go back? 

You mentally push up your shirt sleeves, slip those sunglasses on, and, fixing your face in steadfast resolve, you march toward the door of change?  I reached such a moment today.

I was sitting here alone, minutes after my 16 year old son left for the night, and was swamped by loneliness.  The thought went through my head "Maybe I should go ahead and go out with someone", even though I feel I am not yet at that point in my life. 

Suddenly I had a light bulb moment.....  I don't want to go out with someone just because I'm lonely.  Isn't that the problem I've had in every relationship I've been in?  Even my marriage?

No, I didn't ever cheat on my husband but the loneliness I experienced often drove me to be discontent, distant and resentful.  My mind would turn to a possible solution during these times, and it was usually a yearning for someone new... someone who could take away that loneliness for good.   Sound familiar?

I hear this same scenario from countless women.  "If only my husband would be more helpful, more attentive, more sensitive. more _______   You fill in the blank....  Some of us fill that emptiness with thoughts of some Fabio, with eating, with drinking, with hobbies or work, and often with just hardening our heart so it doesn't hurt so much.

But you know what?  I don't think  ANY  relationships are "loneliness free zones" every single minute.   I don't want to continue to face this despondency all through life.  Will there be moments of loneliness, no matter where I'm at in life or who I'm with?  Sure.  But how can I break this cycle of my mind turning toward companionship as a solution?

Tonight I fully recognized that I don't want to let a dislike of solitude control my choices.  I want to reach a point where my thoughts don't turn to a man to my loneliness.  Yes, it's normal and natural to desire a relationship.  However, when that desire is based on neediness, it's likely that a disaster is about to happen....  You DON'T need someone to "complete" you.  That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, as well as others.

Suddenly all of the "You don't need a man" advice I get so sick of hearing, makes sense.  It wasn't saying it's wrong to hope the right one comes along, but you want to have a healthy outlook when he does;  when you can enjoy those butterflies in your stomach, knowing that it is regulated with some common sense.

Those butterflies have always batted away my ability to use sound judgement.  I let my heart completely over ride my head.  It's not that I ended up with bad guys; it's that I didn't allow myself the chance to develop a friendship first.  I let emotion control me.  Yes, I know that is the norm in this world, but look at the divorce rate.  If I have a second chance, I want to do it differently this time.

First of all, it has been of the utmost importance to learn about who I am.  Who are you?  What unresolved hurts do you have that need healed.  What is your passion.... something that is just for you: Art, writing, sewing, carpentry...?

Yes, you may feel your passion is to be married, to have a family, to be in ministry/business.  However, what is something that is just for you?  It is important you reach a point of being fulfilled even if you do not have the man, the family, the job, etc.  

What are your values, your goals, your beliefs, your interests?  What makes you feel loved?

Second, this time around I don't want this to be all about me.  I don't want to go into this like I'm ordering from the Burger King menu with their famous "Have it your way" slogan.  Not that I consciously did that before but everything in me was geared toward "having it MY way."  It was doing what I had to do to get what I wanted, whether that was their attention, behavior change, etc.  When  I couldn't get what I wanted, well.... it was on.

This is how it is in the world today.  Relationship seems to be based on getting what we want from each other.  When we are no longer getting what we need, we walk away.  We discard each other like yesterdays trash. 

This time I want to get to know the person, discover who they are and put them first.  This is how I would want to be treated.  This does not mean becoming a door mat.  It does mean taking the focus off of yourself and appreciate that person for who they are.  

Study them.  Not in a creepy way but in a relaxed, caring way.  A great book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman can help give guidance.  We often try to love people the way we want to be loved, instead of learning about the way they want to be loved.  The result is frustration:  Yours because they seem untouched by your actions of love; Theirs because they don't FEEL loved by you.  They speak a different love language.   This book helps you to identify their love language and how to speak it.

As a matter of fact, there are actually several different 5 Love Language books. Go to Amazon.Com and browse thru them.  You don't have to purchase the books.  Normally you can order the books through your local library's inter library loan program.  I just ran across one that I ordered from the library called "Things I wish I would have known before I got married" also by Gary Chapman.

Likewise, you need to be paying attention to how they treat you.  You want someone who will respect you even.... especially.... when it is an area that you two don't have in common. Learning about the 5 love languages enables you to identify what makes you feel loved.  It's just as important to learn about yourself as it is to learn about them.

And, lastly,  I think the most important thing is that we need to be so secure in knowing who we are that someone else loving us is just icing on the cake, not the cake itself.  Our self worth and self love is the cake. Loving yourself is the foundation to all.  A gentle, humble, yet solid self love gives you a quiet confidence that is enticing and beautiful.

You see, in any relationship you WILL run into those tough times; those times when you don't FEEL the love.  It is essential that you have enough love for yourself to have the strength to travel through those solitary times.

That same self love may also enable you to have a stable and rational outlook as to know when it's time to walk away from a destructive relationship.

I believe all of this information will help you whether you are in or out of a relationship.  Carve out some time  daily for yourself to focus on you and where you want to go.  Granted this can be more difficult if you are in a relationship and/or have children at home.  However, I feel loving yourself has to be a priority . If  you are truly wanting the best out of life for you and especially for your loved ones, you will do what it takes to find some time.

So...... LET"S DO THIS!

f we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them.

bell hooks

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

If we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them.

bell hooks

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”  C. JoyBell C.

People should accept being single, because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself, and learning who you are. Then when you get in a relationship, you will be stronger and have a little bit more self-awareness, self-love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship.

Lauren London

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

"People should accept being single because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself and learning who you are. Then when you're in a relationship you will be stronger and have a little bit more self awareness, self love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship."    Lauren London