CATFIGHT!

Galatians 5:13 For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom; only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse [for selfishness]... , but through love you should serve one another......Amplified Version

Have you ever been somewhere and two girls start spitting and scratching at each other, pulling hair, rolling around on the ground?  Someone yells "Catfight!!" and everyone rushes to gather around.


This morning my thoughts turned to this deep need I now have in my walk with God to identify and flee from anything that smacks of religious slavery.  He has given me a taste of what it looks like to walk in spiritual freedom in so many areas of my life, and I now CRAVE that freedom!  

Like the girl in the picture above, I literally feel something inside me start to resist slavery by kicking, bucking, scratching, pushing away.... Let me give you another illustration.

Have you ever seen a child sweetly hugging a cat?  The cat normally just lazily hangs from the arms that are gently cradling him.  However, let that child start to squeeze that cat and refuse to let him go.  What happens then?  That cat begins to arch his back, push all four paws forcefully against those arms restraining him, then finally lashes out in all out fear and fury, spitting and clawing anything within his reach!  WHOA! CATFIGHT!  

I will confess that lately I have found that wildly flailing cat come out in me. I have prayed over it the last few days and what hit me this morning was a realization that I am in a growing season.  Have you heard the saying "fight or flight"?  It means that our human tendency, when we get in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation, is usually to put up a fight against it, or to flee from it.  

I have always been someone who flees, except for with the people closest to me, whom I choose to fight.  Except for with my close inner circle, I have always been very passive and hated conflict.  I feel that I do need to find a balance in this area.

I have a close friend who is a phenomenal lady. We are both going through a growing season that seems to be producing a lot of thorns between us for a time.   Lately things between us have gotten so uncomfortable that I have difficulty being open with her.  Loyalty is a very strong trait of mine so this desire to retreat from her in an effort to find safety bothers me.  

My amazing friend is going thru a time of finding out who she is in Christ.  She is going through a time of learning to love herself and to accept herself unconditionally.... as am I.   I have a passionate belief that this growth is necessary in our quest to living lives of freedom. Is it easy? No!  I feel like I'm floundering in a very precious relationship.  However, I know that we both need the freedom to grow, to stretch and to become more confident in who we are.  But, in this process, each of is occasionally feeling "squashed like a bug" by the other.

 In thinking about this life of freedom that Christ offers us, I began to ponder "How is it that I am desperate to walk in freedom, but I am resisting her walk of freedom?  Why is she resisting mine?" What floated through my mind was "We can't let our freedom squash others...."  Whoa.... heavy, dude....  All that the Law says can be summed up in the command to love others as much as you love yourself.  Galatians 5:14   

Me, my friend... nobody... should squash others in their attempt to find freedom.   This is a new thought for me.  I know my friend and I are in tough growing periods right now so don't we need to extend grace to each other and just suck it up??  

Well, this area right here is where MY season of growth is - Boundaries.  Where do I draw boundaries?  Maybe the way to love her, and myself, is to allow each of us breathing room.  Maybe this is just a time to relax and enjoy each others company instead of being each others go to girl with the heavy stuff.   I will begin a time of really praying over this and asking for wisdom and direction.  I have no answers at this time so back to my train of thought.

As usual, when I see a flaw in someone else, I turn to myself and search to see if I find that flaw in me.  If not, then why not?  Am I just ignoring the log in my eye while I point out the splinter in someone else's?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5 NIV)   

What came to me was that I genuinely keep an eye out to how I am affecting others.  I do tread carefully and try not to offend or wound someone.  I normally genuinely feel uncomfortable when I am allowing myself freedom in an area that the bible warns against:  If you are guided by the Spirit, you won’t obey your selfish desires. The Spirit and your desires are enemies of each other. They are always fighting each other and keeping you from doing what you feel you should.Galatians 5:16

 If I don't feel uncomfortable doing something, then I try not to worry about it.  I used to dig, poke and prod around inside my spirit trying to figure out if this or that was ok.  Now I just leave it up to the Holy Spirit inside me to begin to make me uneasy with something I am doing.   

Often it's not the Holy Spirit that tells me something is not healthy, it is me getting myself in a mess where something uncomfortable happens to show me that I am not on the right course.  

 People’s desires make them give in to......shameful deeds. They .... hate others, and are hard to get along with. People become jealous, angry, and selfish. They not only argue and cause trouble, but they are envious....  Galatians 5:19-20

I used to read verses like this and become petrified that I was going to hell, because I was all of those things.  Even after being saved I was all of those things!!!  Sis, I'm here to tell you that being fearful and ashamed of those things allowed them to dig their claws in deeper.  The shame and fear drove me to being even more angry and hard to get along with.  I was like that spitting, biting cat.  God and others seemed to be telling me that I am unacceptable unless I clean those things up, so it placed a feeling of slavery on me, and I absolutely could not keep myself from fighting against it.  CATFIGHT!    

I guess I still feel that way at times.  If I think someone is feeling that I am failing, I feel that need to scratch, bite and hiss try to creep out! No wonder I don't care for cats! Haha

But, after fighting for self change and failing miserable for way too long,  I began to surrender and just tell God "I can't keep trying to fix myself.  I'm moving forward in life and leaving you to focus on cleaning up the mess inside me."  Since I was accepting myself right where I was, recognizing that I couldn't change me, I started focusing on the wonderful things life has to offer.  

The shame and guilt began to melt away, and God was then able to start healing those things inside of me that were telling me that I was NOT the righteousness of Christ.  I already WAS, but I kept magnifying those things I hated about myself, instead of agreeing with God that I WAS righteous.  I feel like I'm getting into some "Christianese" speak here so feel free to ask questions if you need to.

Most of us read the bible and take everything as a commandment.  For me, through the lens of God's love, I see these things as cautions... as promises.  When we do whatever we want, God loves us just as fiercely.  However, doing whatever we want isn't freedom.  It brings slavery.  My intepretation of slavery is "when you feel you have to hide things you are doing, when you feel trapped by the things you are doing, when you feel heavy and not at peace because of the things you are doing."   How could living like that be considered freedom?!

Many of the choices that I have made in my own life  has caused me to be in slavery.  Suffering the consequences of those choices, whether it be a hangover, or just suffering the guilt and shame of my actions were definitely not freeing.  I would have to say, however, that the deepest pit of slavery I got into was the pit of shame and guilt.  When I came to God and asked for forgiveness, those things were forgiven and forgotten.... by Him at least.  Not by me.  Refusing to believe that I was no longer guilty is what caused the absolute WORST consequences in my life, more than any others.

As I'm writing what is coming to me is, for me, those sins I committed were NOT the actual root of my problem.  Yes, if I had not committed those sins then I would not have set the ball of slavery in motion.  However, the root of ALL of this was the shame and guilt.  I unconsciously put up a wall.... a steel barrier actually.... that God could not penetrate because of my shame.

Now, don't start booing and hissing at me here, but I'm going to go so far as to say that it was the shame, not the sin, that distanced me from God.  Not that He want's me to sin.  Heaven's no!  Sin brings it's own consequences that make our lives so much more difficult!!!  But when we do sin, no matter what it is, if we can honestly go to Him and just confess it, and believe... just believe.... that He has forgiven it, THAT allows Him continued access to work and move in healing us inside to the point where we outgrow that sin.

This verse gives you some insight as to what it means to walk in freedom "God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled...." Galatians 5:22  Religion makes us believe that we have to make ourselves these things, when in reality it is only HIM that can do it in us.  Yes, when we accept Him as our saviour, those things are put IN us.  However, He then begins the loooong process of bringing them OUT in us.  Shame and trying to fix ourselves hinders this process greatly.

For some of you, I know this will be a hard concept to grasp so I am going to leave you with a few quotes I found online.  And remember... believe..... just believe.....

Believe like a child, love with an open mind, lose gracefully, accept failure, learn from mistakes...

You know those relationships when one partner keeps on hurting the other partner and yet hurt party keeps on forgiving and taking them back each time?  We never understand why.  And sometimes get angry at the forgiving person because we know they're going to get hurt again.  Have you thought of our relationship with God that way? We hurt him by sinning every day - and yet he takes us back every day.  When we're lost, He goes out of His way to find us.  He doesn't love us because of our works.  He loves us because He IS LOVE and simply can not help it!

Touching the Hem of His Robe...

Mark 5:25-29 A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—(a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before)—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, “If I can JUST put a finger on his robe, I can get well.  The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with."

Have you ever reached a point where your choices were becoming huge burdens in your life?  Where you can see nothing but you sin and the load is getting heavier and heavier?...
I've been there.... BOY have I been there.  In my case, a lot of the choices came about because I religiously thought they were something that God was asking me to do.  Thru religious, and hyper religious interpretation of the bible, I took on things that I would have NEVER done before.  

I took on things that seemed outright sin to me, and they were>  However, my religious teachers and my distorted view of God and the bible's teaching told me that I was doing the right thing. These wrong beliefs forced me into a pit of shame, despair, frustration, loneliness, hopelessness and self loathing.  

I know that the woman with the plague of hemoraging was the victim of uncontrollable circumstances and not her own choices.  That said,  I happen to believe the same power of Jesus to heal us of whatever ails us, even shame from our own choices, is available to US.  I ended up in circumstances that I could not even begin to understand how to control.

Because of these circumstances, I truly began to hate God.  GASP!  Yes.... I began to absolutely despise God.  When things became too exhausting to handle I would cry out to Him.  I would tell Him that I hated Him... tell Him that I was only doing these things because I was supposed to.  I railed at Him for forcing me into this prison of torment and bleakness.  I literally felt like He was Hitler and I was a prisoner in His nazi camp.  

Of course these outbursts would be immediately followed by me groveling at His feet, fervently apologizing and pledging to not let it happen again.  

(But it did happen again... and again... and again...)  

I would tell Him that I didn't mean the things I said.   

(But I did...)  

I would beg for Him to take my free will and to enable me to immediately be that person He wanted.  

(But He never did....)  

The shame and guilt would cripple me for days.  I became SUCH a secretive person during that time.  Even though I felt I was doing God's will, I knew others would not understand.  Plus, I was ashamed.

Do you ever feel like that?........ 

One day I said something a tad unkind  to the main person in my life at that time that I thought I was to be submissive to.  After this person left, I immediately began to babble out apologies to God about how sorry I was.  Suddenly I stopped and in wonder I honestly told God "No I'm not.... I'm not sorry.  I'm only apologizing because I feel that I am SUPPOSED to but I'm honestly not sorry." 

You know what?  That axe of doom never fell to chop off my head for being so cheeky...  Well let me tell YOU.... that allowed me a taste of freedom and nothing had ever been sweeter!  I literally FELT a burden lift off of me!  

This was what I think was truly the real beginning of my VERY slow progress toward a real relationship with God.  At this time, I had absolutely no trust in God, or anyone else, not even... especially.... myself.  SO I began very slowly to take baby steps toward Him instead of cowering in fear away from Him.  

I had so much denial about any "unGodly" feelings and thoughts stuffed and buried far down deep inside of me, that little splinters of it STILL tend to work their way out of me.  But I'm healed..  My woundedness has faded to scars that only add depth and beauty to the compassionate, Godly woman that I am today....

I feel the biggest part of my healing was came from finally understanding that I was allowed to be honest with myself and God without fear of punishment.  Not just allowed but that honesty was necessary.  It is so true that confession is good for the soul.

I have went thru some of my past history to make a point here.  Often the burdens of our choices, whether we falsely think we are following God, or whether we are outright deliberately sinning, are caused by overwhelming shame and guilt.   

That shame can push us so far down into a pit that we can no longer see or hear God.  We may feel that He has turned his back on us.  We can't seem to get out of the mess.  Maybe we don't know how or maybe we just plain don't want to.  Maybe we like what we are doing, but that gentle loving spirit inside of us is pure light so just can't mesh up with the sin so we feel unsettled.

Go to Him... trust yourself and Him enough to be totally honest about everything; every thought, every action, every foul word....  Even if you are in a pit so deep that you can't see daylight, it is my prayer that you can muster enough strength to believe that Jesus has already covered your debt.  

Can you just believe that you don't have to have your life in order to STILL be righteous thru HIS righteousness?  If you believe nothing good about yourself, just believe the goodness in Him, in His Holy Spirit inside you if you have invited Him in to be your Lord and Savior, is enough.

Picture yourself, like the woman in the picture above, reaching out in exhaustion and defeat just to touch the hem of His robe.  You don't have to do anything but say "Help"....  You may not even know what you need help with... that's ok.  

You may not even be able to muster strength or desire to even pray.  That's ok.... Just say the name of Jesus over an over.  That is a way of reaching out to touch the hem of His robe.  There is power in just saying His name.  

This is all a process, and we will all do it differently.  For me I think the point where I first reached out to touch the hem of His robe was that moment when I could be honest and say "I'm NOT sorry..."  It was a moment of truth and "the truth shall set you free".  At that moment I felt the flow of guilt dry up and a profound relief, which felt like power, flowed in. 

He offers us ALL grace and mercy.  He is not a respecter of persons. 

" Acts 10:32-36 Peter fairly exploded with his good news: “It’s God’s own truth, nothing could be plainer: God plays no favorites! It makes no difference who you are or where you’re from—if you want God and are ready to do as he says, the door is open. In other words, He loves each of us the same. " The Message  

 The same grace and favor is available to each of us, no matter who we are.  I believe that if you are to the point of being so desperate to crawl on your belly and touch a trembling finger to the hem of His robe, that you are willing to allow Him to talk to your heart and you will eventually feel His power flow in to enable you to see a way out of the pit you are in.   Just reach out a finger in some way and ask Him to enable you to "Believe, just believe....."  He's waiting with arms wide open....

 Back in Wonderland....

Ok ladies.... Once again my thoughts are taking me down a long and winding trail and I feel like I have fallen into a rabbit hole, again, like Alice in Wonderland.  I'm not sure where I will end up so I have to just free fall.  Here we go....

This morning I heard a sermon that sparked this train of thought.  It was about how the whole basis of our walk with God is based on the foundation of faith. 

In other words, it is like I have been saying though out these posts of mine lately.... believe... just believe.  We need to believe that we are the righteousness of Christ no matter what.  We are righteous, through Him, even when we are missing the mark.....  It is this belief that will leave the door to our hearts open for Him to come in and do the changing in us.

The church as we know it normally teaches us that we need to focus on our behavior and change it.  This brings about condemnation which, I believe, disrupts the ability of us to hear from God.  I've been saying for quite a while, and I heard it today,  it is not necessarily God punishing us for our sin when consequences arise.  The consequences come as a natural result of our choices. 

The exciting part about this is though, through your WORST behavior, God does not look at you any differently.  He does not love you any less.  I'm going to go so far as to say that I believe He will even continue to bless you though it all because His favor does not come as a result of your actions.  You are still the righteousness of Christ no matter what you do, if you are still believing that.

Still, I then began to see that though God continues to bless me, He cannot fully bless me with things that I do not yet have the responsibility to handle.   He longs to bless me more fully yet knows that it could harm me or others if I am not prepared. 

I'm not talking about being perfect.  However, I am sure that there are foundations that I should have in place in certain areas, the ones most essential to handling this responsibility, before I am ready to take on that blessing.  I believe that blessings, whether they are material, relationships or spiritual, are only blessings if you know haw to steward them.  Otherwise they can become just another mess in your life.

Another thought comes to me at this moment.  I have been asking God for a long time to show me what "An Ishmael" is.  What hits me is that it is taking something on your own instead of waiting on God. 

For example, I am someone who would love to be in a relationship with a man, and I could go out and find one on my own.  However, I no longer want one unless I know it is the man God brings to me... unless it is HIS gift to me.  And I have to trust that He is not bringing that man to me yet for a reason. 

It could be that He knows I am still healing and I would not be able to handle the responsibility yet.  I am still pretty insecure.  It could also be that He has other things He would like me to apply my focus to, at this time in my life.  Maybe both reasons. Maybe if he has a guy for me, that guy isn't yet ready.  Who knows...

Regardless, I'm finally feeling a peace in that area.  A letting go.  At least for today....  again...: D

I Gotta Be Me!

 Whew.... I'm not sure where to start....  It's 2:11 a.m. and I woke up a while ago with my mind literally racing, so uncomfortable that I felt trapped and exhausted by it. 

Thoughts about the Freeing Me class yesterday and about the church dinner last night were screaming through my head like an out of control locomotive.

My spirit, my inner me, felt parched and scorched.  My thoughts jumped from puddles to pools of condemnation: condemning thoughts came careening in from several areas of my life.  I wanted to scream out loud to my mind "SHUT UP ALREADY!"

As I lay there, thoughts started to unfold.  In thinking about what it mean to be caught up in my own head, I realized that once again that may mean that I am "doing instead of being."  I am still trying to evaluate, trying to figure out, how I should act in situations. 

If I relax and do what comes naturally, or even if I feel uncomfortable in a situation and scramble for ways to make things more comfortable, isn't that just authentically where I am at this moment, in this walk toward being an authentic person?  I second guess myself no matter what I do.  Why?!  I need to be ok with "It's just true that this is what came out of you at that moment."

Maybe that is what authenticity is.  It's about being honest with yourself, and more importantly being OK with yourself, right where you're at.  It's not necessarily spilling out all the details of where you are at, but that you are so ok with it that you are willing to spill the deets if God prompts you to  

Being ok with yourself does not necessarily mean confessing all... maybe it just means being so comfortable with who you are right now...right at this moment... that you do not feel shame and remorse because you "haven't made it yet."

I want to walk in truth.  I didn't say perfection.... I said truth.  If I am able to be honest with who I am and where I am at right at this moment, isn't that walking in truth?  

How much deeper the sense of freedom is when it is in someone like you, like me, who truly tries to make the right choices... who truly tries to keep our focus on God and allowing Him to change us.... 

If we can just give ourselves a little credit by acknowledging that we WANT to do the right thing, can't we just allow ourselves the grace, self love, and time to grow into maturity?  Can't we just be content with knowing that it's ok to be right where we are right now because we, like God, are not content to leave ourselves there.

I tell God "If you don't change me it's not gonna happen."  But then I still beat myself up continually because I am not able to change me.  I have to stop it!  Authenticity and truth are a process!  I have to allow myself to be who I am right now and not try to force myself into being who I "should" be.  Maybe I will be that person someday, but I have to enjoy where I am at in growth process right at this minute.

It is amazing how that inner maelstrom is now quiet and deeply peaceful as I've worked through my thoughts.  It's in moments like these that I feel like I have wrestled with God like Jacob, and like Jacob, I hold on to Him until He blesses me with insight and peace.  At this moment I feel greatly blessed:

Genesis 32:24-26 "²⁴ So Jacob was left alone. Then a man wrestled with him until dawn. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not win against Jacob, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that it was dislocated as they wrestled. ²⁶ Then the man said, “Let me go; it’s almost dawn.”But Jacob answered, “I won’t let you go until you bless me.”

OK... right now the real me needs a piece of left over cake and a Pepsi so off to the kitchen I go, then back to bed.  Ta Ta y'all!

BRRR.... IT'S COLD IN HERE!  THERE MUST BE A CHANGE IN THE ATMOSPHERE!

Woman rising from the ashes of her former self, like a phoenix

In case you haven't noticed by now, I use alot of visuals in my head to enable me to capture the essence of some thought, idea or "revelation" that I am getting.  As usual, I was lying in bed this morning allowing thoughts to meander here and yonder thru my head.  Suddenly one zipped through that I had to write about. 

As soon as I decided to write about it, the cheer (see below) from the movie "Bring It On" popped into my mind.  I can picture a group of us women chanting "BRRR.... It's cold in here!  There MUST be a change in the atmosphere!"  (the chant says "Clovers" but my point here is about "change".) We women must make a change in the atmosphere of our Christian walk if we want to walk in warmth, light, and freedom.

My thoughts this morning were drifting around a friend that seems to be strong in the knowledge of God but weak in the love of God.  I've been there myself, and as I am learning more about His love, I start to see the signs in someone that they may as yet be a toddler in that area.  My thoughts were about how this person seems caught in doing what they should and how these things appear to weigh him down with heavy burdens.  

To me that is an indication of one of two things. Either you are taking upon yourself what God hasn't asked you to do and He's not in it, which results in you struggling and straining to accomplish it yourself.  OR He is in it but you've grabbed onto it and are trying to make it happen yourself.  

When He's in it and I am relying on HIM to make it happen, not my own efforts, there is a feeling of peace and often, enjoyment. I can shrug and say "Oh well... it's up to you, God, to make it happen.  I've done my best, which isn't much, so it's up to you to breath life into it if you choose too."

For me, I notice when am able to just go with the flow and say "God, if this is of you, you'll have to make it happen", things don't seem heavy and unpleasant.  I say to God "I'm showing up.... I'll do my part.... but your grace will have to take what comes OUT of me and turn it into Your truth that flows INTO others."  

For the most part, I'm starting to relax and be comfortable with failing. I can't say that I LIKE failing but I know if I'm stepping out and doing what I feel He is gently prompting me to do, then He'll make it happen.  If I'm wrong and it's not of Him, then I ask Him to enable me to be OK with failing and to use my mistake to teach me.   I believe a huge part of how we come to be able to sense the difference between HIS leading and our own agenda is by risking failure and being OK with failing.   That is how I am learning.

My friend loves to study the old testament much more than the new. That's ok but could he be missing out on learning about what I believe is the paradigm shift that happened from the old to the new testament?  

Yes, we serve the same God as we did in the old testament.  However, instead of us trying in our own strength to live a life that God wants to bless us with, we now have the Holy Spirit to TEACH us and to do it in us. 

Also, instead of us making sacrifices for our sins, God made the ultimate sacrifice for us: Jesus.  This one sacrifice totally anihilated the need for us to make sacrifices for our sins.  Instead of the practice of sacrificing, we practice repenting.  

In other words, Instead of sacrificing an animal to pay for our sins, the Holy Spirit lovingly prompts our heart to recognize "Hey, I messed up here" and we feel the desire to apologize; we feel the desire to allow that bad behavior to be changed.  A paradigm shift has happened.

A paradigm is our perception of reality, our view. It is our interpretation of events based on previous 

teaching we have received.  A paradigm shift means to have a change in perception, a change in point of view, of how you see things.  

I feel that my friend has not had that shift from old to new testament thinking.  I believe they feels that they must be punished for wrong choices, that they must continue to live with those wrong choices because " they made they bed now they must lie in it".   

When we get into that kind of thinking, we take on burdens that are our perception, our view, of what God would have us do.   We don't know the freedom in living in a life guided by God's love.  We haven'tt had the shift from living under God as a dictator, to living life with our God who is yearning to have us share His life with Him.  

A life that is lived based on how well you look or behave as a Christian usually becomes dull, lifeless, cold.  We HAVE to have a change in how we view Christianity if we want to experience what He truly created life to be.  We must have a change in the atmosphere of Christianity.  Like the phoenix we must move from a cold dark way of going thru the motions to a fiery, passionate, abundant way of living!  

I believe that life with God is an adventure He wants to share with us.  Once we understand that... once we understand His love and His heart of boundless compassion toward us.... then even the most mundane, boring of tasks will take on a life of it's own.  

Once we can have a paradigm shift in the way we view or walk with God, moving from one where our focus is morality based to one that is steeped in the glory and freedom of God's love, THEN we really begin to live!

Let me explain what I mean when I say moving from morality focused to love focused.  When I first began to hear teaching about this concept my immediate thought was that my life would quickly erode into sin filled chaos if I did not judge everything I did with my moral compass.  

However, just like the teachings I began hearing assured me, my devotion to God did not allow this to happen.  My heart truly hungers to do the right thing.  Just because I have began to stop focusing on where I mess up does not lessen that hunger one bit.  As a matter of fact, it has increased that hunger.

It has also abundantly increased my peace, my joy, my enthusiasm for life and for God, and my desire to draw close and come to intimately know the heart of God...  Wow.... as I wrote this sentence what came to me was the verse John 10:10 "....I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it ^[a]overflows). Amplified Version  and in other words "....I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of. Message Version"

Ladies, that is what life with God is all about.  Matthew 11:30 "For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good—not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne. Amplified Version,       Comfortable... gracious..... pleasant.....  

 Yessss.... that is what it is becoming for me.....  

Very VERY often God uses the very circumstances we are in to change us.  Not because we are not good enough but because we have to change to be able to recognize what true freedom in Him feels like.  

In your marriage, or any circumstance,  it is not about being perfect but about being the best you, that you can be. God will know if that can be accomplished best inside of your marriage or outside of it.  No one else but Him can guide you here.  

Just quit thrashing in whatever circumstances you are in right now, whether they are a result of your choices or not, let yourself float calmly on your back and begin to quietly cheer and chant 'Brrrr.... it's cold in here.  There MUST be some change in the atmosphere..." 

 

“A Small handful among us have discovered what the rest of us would pay dearly to know: How can we bring real, living excitement into this life?”                    Pastor David Jeremiah

A Paradigm Shift as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/what-does-paradigm-shift-mean#sthash.xhIWAwh6.dpuf

A Paradigm Shift as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/what-does-paradigm-shift-mean#sthash.i1g7fVth.dpuf

A Paradigm Shift as a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphosis. - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/question/what-does-paradigm-shift-mean#sthash.i1g7fVth.dpuf

 

Through Their Eyes.....

This morning as I lay reflecting.... ok.... as I lay daydreaming, another layer came to me in "it's not about me..."

As I was thinking these thoughts suddenly, in my head, it was like I was looking through the eyes of others. I still have a lot of rules in my life and they can affect friendships. How do my "rules" affect others? 

Suddenly, it wasn't about me and my rules anymore.  It was about "how do others see me... my actions toward them?"  My focus then went to others and how I'm making them feel, instead of to myself and rules.

My thoughts then turned to the book I am currently reading: Cross Roads by William P. Young.  In the book the main character is in a coma.  In the course of this story his spirit ends up inside, first a mentally handicapped teenager, then inside a woman.  From his vantage point inside a person Tony is able to feel the emotions that person is feeling, and is able to see the world through THEIR eyes.  It changed everything for him.

This morning it was like I had this flash of what it must feel like to allow myself to see me, to see the way I come across to others.  It gave me yet an even deeper insight as to the meaning of "it's not about me." 

Again, when I say those words, it is not with that obnoxious, judgmental, matter of fact air that so many seem to have when they tell you that.  I say these words with the wide eyed wonder of a little girl who's breath is taken away by the wonder, the magnificence, the beauty, and yes, the freedom that brings. 

I am catching glimpses of what it must feel like to be totally unselfconscious about me.  I am catching the aroma of the scent of freedom to not be a slave to my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy because my focus is no longer on me and my feelings. 

My focus is on the person(s) I am talking to and sensing their feelings.  No, it's not about MY self effort.... it's not about MY performance.....  (bear with me; things are coming to me as I write so I hope I make sense here.)  It's about me relaxing in my spirit so much that the Holy Spirit can flow through me and touch the heart of those I am focusing on.

When I feel the need to control, the need to focus on how I am feeling, on how I am being treated, on my performance, then I think the Holy Spirit can't flow properly.  It's all about me when I'm like this. 

As I'm writing what comes to me is maybe it isn't so much about focusing on the other person.  It's about being so trusting of the Holy Spirit that you know longer need to worry about how you are being treated or about making sure you feel comfortable.  It's about trusting the Holy Spirit so much that you are trusting Him to flow through you to touch the heart of the other person in whatever way He see's fit.

What also hit me this morning is that my relationships, whether it be with family, friends, guys, etc., are not about God doing something for me.  Yes, often I am left feeling very blessed and thankful by the depth of my relationships.  BUT, just as often I am in a relationshipwhere I am left confused and uncertain as to how to navigate.  We know "The truth will set you free" verse.  I'm starting to see that I have grown tremendously by facing these uncertain relationships head on instead of avoiding them or running away. 

Maybe it was because I am to find out what it is to BE a friend to someone who can't give much back.  Maybe it's because I am to learn what it means to be a real friend by experiencing all this crap and going to God with it to show me how He can use it to enable me to grow.

Girls, I am on this journey with you.  Maybe I am ahead of some of you and maybe I'm WAAAY behind some of you.  That's ok.  I'm learning not to compare myself with others because it brings so much frustration.  My journey is uniquely mine. 

Yes, I wish I was so much more in tune with the Holy Spirit and could immediately sense the correct directions to go in life, but you know what?  My journey is now becoming one of open mouthed awe.... of wide eyed wonder.... at what I am coming to recognize in God's personality and in what He is able to do in me.

I'm not feeling so frustrated and inadequate anymore, now that I'm not comparing myself to others.  But I will tell you, don't beat yourself up if you ARE feeling that way.  I think it's all a part of the journey for each one of us.  It's a developmental stage that we will go thru, just as a teenager goes thru puberty. 

They are frustrated and angry because they are no longer a little kid, yet they are not a mature adult yet either.  They are caught in the middle and it is not pleasant.  I wish I would have enjoyed my teenage years more, just like I wish I would have relaxed and enjoyed my whole growth process with God.  But maybe that is so much easier said than done just because we are human.

   I Will Love You for You....     

  

              I will love you for you.... Not for what you have done or what you'll become....

This morning I went to yesterday's blog entry, felt it was incomplete, so started adding to it.  However, this afternoon on Facebook a friend posted this video and I realized that it fit perfectly with what I had started to write this morning.  I hope it speaks to your heart like it has mine.

My heart aches for women, for everyone really, that just wants to be unconditionally loved just for who we are, right now, this moment, horrible past and all.  It gets so exhausting feeling like we never measure up.  We often feel drained by what life brings us.  

As women, our heart cries to be loved just the way we are.  Most of us feel not enough, too much, too fat, too skinny, to tall, too short, too loud, not loud enough, too friendly, too shy, too dumb, too smart.... you get the picture.  Lean close now.... there is something that I want to tell you.....

You are beautiful just the way you are....  God loves YOU just as much today as He ever will.  Your looks, your personality, your actions do not increase or lessen His love for you.   This is one of the hardest things to believe because God's love is not typically the focus in most churches.  The church tends to direct us to look at our faults, at our failings and how God commands us to change, to be this, to be that.  Sadly, often we don't find the real God in church.  We find human intepretations of God and of human expectations that we are to meet for God.

We MUST learn to be careful not to compare God's love to human love.  Human love comes and goes but God's love never changes.  He IS love. His word is full of what alot of christians see as commands.  However, as you start to know and abide in His love, I believe you will come to see these as tender promises, as wonderful gifts that HE will bring to life in us.  We can't do it no matter how hard we try.

Most of us, once we do start to believe that God loves us just the way we are, still cannot seem to find comfort in that.  I have told God, like many of us has told a parent who loves us unconditionally, "You HAVE to love me... You're my Father, my Creator, my God."  It has only been since beginning to get a revelation that HIS opinion is the only one that matters, that I start to take comfort and delight in that thought.  We humans are so fickle and judgmental in our opinions that we will drive each other crazy trying to meet all the expectations others have of us!

I used to rebel inwardly toward God because my understanding of Him, from religious teachings, was that His goal, His demand was, "CHANGE OR ELSE!!"  That translated to me as "you are not good enough as you are.  You are junk not worth my time until you change." 

That is SO not true!  He is fiercely in love with me just as I am, in all my imperfections.  He truly does want me to come "just as I am".  It is the church who says that, but immediately points out that NOW you need to change.  Right now!  No, not all churches do that.  Maybe they don't even notice that is what comes across.  I just wish they would welcome new Christians like they do a new baby.  Give them time to grow in God's love.

That being said,  I have come to believe the saying that "He loves you too much to leave you where you are."  That too can be taken as I'm not good enough.  Also not true.  I don't believe it is a commandment.  I believe it is a delightful, glee filled promise.  "Taste and see that the Lord is good..." Psalm 34:8  I picture God's face glowing here with excitement and encouragement!

I have started to "taste God and see that He is good".  When I started relaxing into his love, into believing that I didn't have to earn His love, then I started seeing Him as someone that I was excited to come along side and join in what adventures He wanted to take me one.  I began to see that it is not so much Him changing me but as Him "freeing me". 

As bad habits like anger, judgmentalness, expectations of how others should be or act, selfishness, gossip, gluttony (still have this one BIG time! LOL!), covetnous, etc. start to lessen in me, I experience a freedom that is exhilerating!

The biggest area of freedom I am experiencing is,  as I start to love myself, accept myself in all of my imperfections, then I begin to love others in a more real, God like way.  For some reason, loving myself connects with....enables me to.... love others more perfectly.

As I begin to focus on the person  God's word says He created me to be when He breathed His spirit into me - loving, kind, generous, forgiving, hopeful, joyful, etc.- and began to focus less on who I SEEM to be right at this moment, then change starts to happen. 

When I quit focusing on how I still have angry blow ups, how I still have nasty thoughts of others, how I still gossip, how I still hog that bag of chocolates to myself and don't share with others, I start to feel less guilt and shame.

Those two emotions are what holds us back from freedom.  They are a prison.  They cause us to focus so much on the muck and mess our humanness brings into our lives, that we are unable to focus on the true us that is our spirit.  When we change our focus and zero in on the person that God says we are in Him, then the guilt and shame loses it's grip and we start to grow.

When we do find ourselves messing up, whether it is by acting out in wrong behavior or by wallowing in guilt in shame, it's best to apologize if needed, and to move on.  Also, instead of trying to ignore things or beat ourselves up over them, it helps to just find a quiet place to let all of these thoughts flow thru. 

I am someone who would "chew" on the thoughts, wrestling to try to figure out things.  Now, after practicing this method, I allow myself to think the thoughts and then I ask "Why am I feeling this way?  Why am I thinking this way? Why did I react this way?

I try to not allow myself to wrestle and over analyze, but I allow one thought to follow another.  It's best if I can talk out loud to myself or to journal the thoughts as they come.  When I do this, often I will recognize some hidden bias or judgmental thought in me toward myself or others.  Often I will recognize something that triggers certain reactions or thoughts. 

I may even recognize a hidden hurt or insecurity that can trigger a reaction from me.  When hidden things are uncovered in me, it lets the light in and can often free me from the hold something has had on me.  You've heard the verse "the truth will set you free."  I'm here to tell you that it does!

Even if you do not uncover a reason as to why you are feeling the way you are, why you reacted the way you did, often just letting the thoughts flow out of you relieves a pressure and brings peace.  The key here is to let thoughts flow as you think them.  Don't grab onto the thoughts and try to squeeze an answer out.  If one comes, great....  If it doesn't, that's ok too. 

For me, when I start to feel tense in my brain (sound's funny doesn't it!) or anxious, the I physically force myself to relax and go on to something else if I have to.  I make it a habit to try to recognize when I have shifted from letting thoughts flow thru vs. grabbing on to them and letting them make me anxious.

In everything I talk about on this blog, I want you to remember that they are not to be used as  formulas... as rules or principles.  When you feel you MUST do something in order to achieve a result, you put a pressure on yourself that may hinder you.   If you can relax and recognize that I am sharing my experiences with you... that I am sharing teachings that worked for me with you..... then you can relax. 

Imagine us as friends, sitting over cups of coffee and sharing our lives together.  Yes, I would love to hear from you, too!  My hope is that this does not remain just a one sided conversation.  We can learn from each other.  That's what makes this journey so freeing and so exciting!  Not one of us has it all together.  Not one of us doesn't have something to share.  I am not a leader, I am a... a.... a share-er.  (Is that a word?  It is now!)

TaTa for now!  I am going to close with this quote that I just love, and so fits who I am:

 "I'm not about leading. But I AM about instigating. I'd rather we walk alongside each other in this life, than one in front of the other. But, if I see that you need a push, I'll get behind you... and I hope you'll do the same for me." Jamie Wright