The Freak Out Prayer....

Phillipians 4: ^6-7 Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (The Message Version)

Dear Heavenly Father..... WHAT AM I DOING?!!! WHAT AM I THINKING?!!  AM I CRAZY?!!!

Father, as I start my first day of online college today, in this stage of my life, PLEASE be with me.  Please show me if I am just wasting time that could be spent living.  Father, I need you with me on this journey.  I now understand the freak out my youngest son had last summer, when the reality of college being just a year a way hit him in the face.

I guess I should follow the advice I gave him, huh, Father....

"Take it one step at a time.  You don't have to know your destination.  Just take the first step and you will begin to sense if the path you are on is beginning to veer in this or that direction." 

"Nothing you learn will be wasted.  It will all be put to use somewhere in your job or life."

"Quit looking at the big picture and look at the next step in front of you."

But Father, my son will be 18 on his first day of college.  I am 49....

Yes, Father, I know.... I've been running into so many messages lately that say "Follow your dream", that I can't deny it must be you encouraging me as I did my son.

But what if I'm not sure what my dream really is?  I want to write, to speak and to be able to help others through counseling when they are in a hard place, and even drug and alcohol counseling.  I'm saying I want to be a psychologist tho something feels a little off in me when I say that.  I don't have certainty...  But again, I need to follow my own advice to others, don't I....?

"You don't have to know what you want to do.  As you travel this journey, you will begin to sense the direction you want to go...."

In other words, I don't have to decide what I want to be when I grow up, yet...

Father, I feel a sense of your peace now.  Thanks for being there when I freak out.  Yes, I'm sure there will be more times of feeling fear at the thought of investing the countless hours and years in an education now...at the time when my life is half over.  But Father, I would encourage anyone, no matter their age, to pursue their dreams so I guess it's time I begin to encourage myself in the same way.

My life is not ending just because my youngest has graduated high school and that phase of life is over.  It's not time to pull up a rocker, drape my blanket over my shoulder, and wait to die.  It's just beginning again.... It's my second chance to do the things I wanted to do but didn't follow thru with when I was 18.

Thank you, Lord for second chances, and third chances, and countless chances.

I love you and I praise you, Lord.... Amen

Play It Again Sam....

As I say those words "Play it again, Sam", I am thinking about my habit of letting my mistakes, my ongoing sin, and even my perceived mistakes run thru my mind repeatedly.  They're like a broken record playing over and over.

One in particular has been running thru my mind over and over the past few days...

Two days ago, a Sunday, I led the service at my church.  This was a huge step for me but something in me desired to do it as soon as I was asked.  The plan was to tell my testimony and allow a few other women from the local women's shelter to tell theirs.

As the week went on, I prayed over what to say and would jot down things that came to me.  Amazingly, me... nervous nelly... was able to make it thru the week with very little apprehension.  Each time I felt fear and doubt begin to wiggle their wormy little hands into my spirit, I would just turn to my Abba Father and ask for His help.  Often I just repeated the mantra of "Jesus...Jesus...Jesus..." over and over.  I would feel peace begin to flow in.

Anyway, back to my point!

During my time in front of the congregation, one thing that came out was the topic of shame and fear.  About how they were two of the biggest things that caused people to flounder.

I told them what I had discovered.  That it seemed like only when I reached the point of just admitting defeat... defeat in trying to stop taking part in something I felt was sinful or hurtful... that I began to gradually see true change come.

When I thought back on those words I began to feel like I explained things inadequately.  It's not just "simple".  I hope I did not confuse anyone.  It's done now, but how could I explain it better in the future?  These thoughts began running thru my head over and over.... 

This morning I ran across an entry on a blog I like, and it had to do with this very thing.  Here, maybe I can let you follow my train of thought so you get a better understanding also:

Several months ago I finally admitted to myself and God that I was skirting danger in a "friendship" I had.  I knew that I was head over heels for this guy, even though he had a girlfriend.  He was very committed to her.  I thought it was ok to just enjoy the friendship and since I was not crossing any lines, I was good to go.

But... If it was ok, why was I in such turmoil almost constantly....?

I tried to fix it myself.  I tried to control my thoughts.... I tried to discontinue the friendship only to be pulled back in again and again... I tried, I tried, I tried.... 

Finally one night, I gave up in exhaustion.  I turned to God and, thumbing my nose at fear and shame, I just honestly admitted "I know this is wrong, but I don't want to give it up."  I felt a peace come over me and I swear I felt in my spirit that God was telling me "I got this..."  Instead of feeling alone and separated from Him, I felt closer.

As time went by, I felt more and more of a desire to pull away from the situation.  For one, I just didn't want to hurt anymore.  For another, how fair was this to his girlfriend?  Most of all, I hated the secrecy.  I hated pretending that I just felt friendship.

Was it easy? No.  Was it painless? No. But as time went by, after my admission to God, I just felt a knowing that I had to be honest.  I was so conflicted because I thought it was wrong to tell him of my feelings, but I wanted him to understand why I had to stop hanging out with him.  But, thru prayer and angst I reached a point where my desire for peace, my desire to do the right thing, overcame my desire for him.

It wasn't easy.  He resisted by pulling away from the friendship even after my admission.  However, just getting things out in the open was such a big relief that I was able to remain firm on maintaining my distance.

Here are some quotes from a blog I read today that spells out things a little more clearly for me:

"We do not want to reject Jesus’ work at the cross by trying and laboring to stop sinning. As Paul said, we are not disobeying God, we are rejecting Him and His power. This does not please God nor bring Him glory."

"It pleases God when we receive this power and reject the notion that we have to try and obey God with our willpower. That is displeasing to God. What pleases Him is when we need him, when we ask God for help."

To me that confirms what I have discovered.  It says, Just be honest with God, even about not wanting to give up the things that you know are not of him.  Surrender your need to do it yourself and admit to Him that you can't do it.  That without Him, the situation will never change.  You can't fix yourself, only He can.  And more to the point, it's only in coming to understand... to believe... to have faith in His firmly fixed foundation of LOVE, that you can more truly experience that healing from sin, hurtful desires, etc.

It's so simple that it is complex.  Simply believe in His love for you... That He loves you right where you are at, no matter what you are in.  It is simply believing in His love that allows power to flow thru you.  However, it is getting to that point of simply believing in His love that has been complex.  It has been a long, slow, painful journey because you see.... simply believing I am loved has not been so simple for me.

My goal is to get to the point where God's love, grace and healing are my focus.  Not focusing on being better, being sinless, being good, but focusing on His love.   It's focusing on discovering His love for me that will change my world.... THE world....

A Helping Hand Out of the Pit......

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out from the bog and the mire, and set my feet on a hard, firm path, and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2
 
I am facing my past at this moment, but not in a way you might expect.  I am forced to sit on the sidelines, wringing my hands, as my heart hurts for someone who is going through the very things that almost destroyed my life.

Actually, those things did destroy life as I knew it.  However, the things that were meant for my harm were used for the good.  Those things have paved the way for me to become softer, gentler and more loving.  What were those weapons of mass destruction?

They were overwhelming fear, crushing condemnation, toxic self hatred, debilitating doubt and feelings of black, oppressive failure.  I lived in what felt like total darkness, for a period of time.  It was a life devoid of the light that love, faith, hope, joy and peace brings.  I lived, for a season, in depression and the severe psychosis that spirit numbing fear can bring.  What was I afraid of? God and failing at keeping His "religious rules."  I didn't recognize it at the time, but I was following man made interpretations of Him and His rules.

Thankfully I was rescued from that life by a God who would not give up on me.  Even though I felt He had completely deserted me, I now KNOW He was down in that miry pit with me.  He was the one fighting the demons that tormented my soul.  He was the one keeping me safe even when I was in the bowels of hell in my mind and spirit.

Now I have run into a dear sweet woman who seems to be stumbling around in that cloudy haze of deception that the enemy uses to blind us.  Like I was, she is absolutely terrified of being out of God's will.  She feels that she ended up in some horrible places because she took herself out of His will.

To me, as someone reflecting on her own past, He focus wasn't on me being in His will.  He knew fear drove me to make the choices I did.  He knew, like with my friend, He is in a battle with the enemy.  This woman, like me, He see's as beautiful, precious, innocent and desperately wanting to please Him. 

I think my friend, so desperately holding on to Him even when she feels out of control, is right where she needs to be.  She IS in His will when she is refusing to give up on HIM.  It's not the places she stumbles into as she is trying to outrun the demons who are chasing her that are His focus.....  It's not the things fear drives her to do that He looks at....  No... It's her desperate need for Him that tugs at His heart.

"For the Lord says, “Because he loves me, I will rescue him; I will make him great because he trusts in my name."  Psalm 91:14

"I sought (inquired of) the Lord and required Him [of necessity and on the authority of His Word], and He heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4

Even when one reaches a place where they no longer feel God hears them.... Even when it feels their faith is completely gone and the opportunity to have Him in their life is destroyed....  Even when they give up.... Even then.... It is still the longing in their hearts to feel Him again that He see's.  That longing may only be a tiny bit of ash left lying in the deep recesses of their dead heart... but HE can bring that spark back to life.

I feel so helpless when I listen to this amazing woman because I remember how no one could get through to me.  But as I type, I also remember that no one I knew had experienced this so they just couldn't understand.  I have experienced this.  I do understand.....

I am praying, asking God to show me how I can come alongside her to somehow help her through this time.  What has come to me is to just walk beside her.  Allow her to feel and express these emotions and thoughts she has.  Allow her to know this is not crazy talk.  It's a very real valley... pit.... she is traveling through. 

As someone who has climbed out of that pit and is standing on the other side, I can tell her that life is glorious over here.  Is it easy?  No.  Is it pain free and fear free? No.  Do I have all the answers? No.  But there is a sensitivity, a heart that feels the pain of others and not just their own.  There is a peace underneath the surface turmoil.  And there is a trust in God that was never there before.

No, this journey has not been the easiest or the most fun.  But I'm still here.  And amazingly, FINALLY, I feel I am reaching a place in life where my earthly wants for stuff, things, people, is being replaced by a desire to give... to be the one who can in some way enrich another person's life, instead of demanding that they enrich mine. 

I hope in some way that I can be one who God can work through to give light, hope, laughter and love to the people I come into contact with.  Yes, there is still a lot of "Me" in my life. But as "Me" begins to soften and strengthen through the difficulties life brings, instead of harden and weaken, my priories are finally straightening out.


I'm finding that while my heart hurts for others and for what they have to go through, it also sings because He has allowed me to be a part of their world.  It soars at the hope and the desire to come alongside them and hopefully be able to shoulder some of their burden.

No, I don't rejoice because they are suffering but I do know that they will learn, grow, strengthen and find peace as they survive this temporary affliction.  I do rejoice because I know God came alongside me and helped me through, and now He allows the knowledge I learned through my trials, to help others.  It's amazing......

"He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

Let's Do This!

Do you ever have those moments where you reach the point of such determination, you (hopefully) can't go back? 

You mentally push up your shirt sleeves, slip those sunglasses on, and, fixing your face in steadfast resolve, you march toward the door of change?  I reached such a moment today.

I was sitting here alone, minutes after my 16 year old son left for the night, and was swamped by loneliness.  The thought went through my head "Maybe I should go ahead and go out with someone", even though I feel I am not yet at that point in my life. 

Suddenly I had a light bulb moment.....  I don't want to go out with someone just because I'm lonely.  Isn't that the problem I've had in every relationship I've been in?  Even my marriage?

No, I didn't ever cheat on my husband but the loneliness I experienced often drove me to be discontent, distant and resentful.  My mind would turn to a possible solution during these times, and it was usually a yearning for someone new... someone who could take away that loneliness for good.   Sound familiar?

I hear this same scenario from countless women.  "If only my husband would be more helpful, more attentive, more sensitive. more _______   You fill in the blank....  Some of us fill that emptiness with thoughts of some Fabio, with eating, with drinking, with hobbies or work, and often with just hardening our heart so it doesn't hurt so much.

But you know what?  I don't think  ANY  relationships are "loneliness free zones" every single minute.   I don't want to continue to face this despondency all through life.  Will there be moments of loneliness, no matter where I'm at in life or who I'm with?  Sure.  But how can I break this cycle of my mind turning toward companionship as a solution?

Tonight I fully recognized that I don't want to let a dislike of solitude control my choices.  I want to reach a point where my thoughts don't turn to a man to my loneliness.  Yes, it's normal and natural to desire a relationship.  However, when that desire is based on neediness, it's likely that a disaster is about to happen....  You DON'T need someone to "complete" you.  That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, as well as others.

Suddenly all of the "You don't need a man" advice I get so sick of hearing, makes sense.  It wasn't saying it's wrong to hope the right one comes along, but you want to have a healthy outlook when he does;  when you can enjoy those butterflies in your stomach, knowing that it is regulated with some common sense.

Those butterflies have always batted away my ability to use sound judgement.  I let my heart completely over ride my head.  It's not that I ended up with bad guys; it's that I didn't allow myself the chance to develop a friendship first.  I let emotion control me.  Yes, I know that is the norm in this world, but look at the divorce rate.  If I have a second chance, I want to do it differently this time.

First of all, it has been of the utmost importance to learn about who I am.  Who are you?  What unresolved hurts do you have that need healed.  What is your passion.... something that is just for you: Art, writing, sewing, carpentry...?

Yes, you may feel your passion is to be married, to have a family, to be in ministry/business.  However, what is something that is just for you?  It is important you reach a point of being fulfilled even if you do not have the man, the family, the job, etc.  

What are your values, your goals, your beliefs, your interests?  What makes you feel loved?

Second, this time around I don't want this to be all about me.  I don't want to go into this like I'm ordering from the Burger King menu with their famous "Have it your way" slogan.  Not that I consciously did that before but everything in me was geared toward "having it MY way."  It was doing what I had to do to get what I wanted, whether that was their attention, behavior change, etc.  When  I couldn't get what I wanted, well.... it was on.

This is how it is in the world today.  Relationship seems to be based on getting what we want from each other.  When we are no longer getting what we need, we walk away.  We discard each other like yesterdays trash. 

This time I want to get to know the person, discover who they are and put them first.  This is how I would want to be treated.  This does not mean becoming a door mat.  It does mean taking the focus off of yourself and appreciate that person for who they are.  

Study them.  Not in a creepy way but in a relaxed, caring way.  A great book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman can help give guidance.  We often try to love people the way we want to be loved, instead of learning about the way they want to be loved.  The result is frustration:  Yours because they seem untouched by your actions of love; Theirs because they don't FEEL loved by you.  They speak a different love language.   This book helps you to identify their love language and how to speak it.

As a matter of fact, there are actually several different 5 Love Language books. Go to Amazon.Com and browse thru them.  You don't have to purchase the books.  Normally you can order the books through your local library's inter library loan program.  I just ran across one that I ordered from the library called "Things I wish I would have known before I got married" also by Gary Chapman.

Likewise, you need to be paying attention to how they treat you.  You want someone who will respect you even.... especially.... when it is an area that you two don't have in common. Learning about the 5 love languages enables you to identify what makes you feel loved.  It's just as important to learn about yourself as it is to learn about them.

And, lastly,  I think the most important thing is that we need to be so secure in knowing who we are that someone else loving us is just icing on the cake, not the cake itself.  Our self worth and self love is the cake. Loving yourself is the foundation to all.  A gentle, humble, yet solid self love gives you a quiet confidence that is enticing and beautiful.

You see, in any relationship you WILL run into those tough times; those times when you don't FEEL the love.  It is essential that you have enough love for yourself to have the strength to travel through those solitary times.

That same self love may also enable you to have a stable and rational outlook as to know when it's time to walk away from a destructive relationship.

I believe all of this information will help you whether you are in or out of a relationship.  Carve out some time  daily for yourself to focus on you and where you want to go.  Granted this can be more difficult if you are in a relationship and/or have children at home.  However, I feel loving yourself has to be a priority . If  you are truly wanting the best out of life for you and especially for your loved ones, you will do what it takes to find some time.

So...... LET"S DO THIS!

f we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them.

bell hooks

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

If we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them.

bell hooks

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.” Diane Von Furstenberg

“You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.”  C. JoyBell C.

People should accept being single, because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself, and learning who you are. Then when you get in a relationship, you will be stronger and have a little bit more self-awareness, self-love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship.

Lauren London

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/self-love_2.html#BM3E7BROrJj9fTgQ.99

"People should accept being single because those are the moments you can really focus on yourself and learning who you are. Then when you're in a relationship you will be stronger and have a little bit more self awareness, self love, and the other ingredients for a healthy relationship."    Lauren London

The More I Learn, the Less I know.....

 “Spiritual maturity is moving from confident arrogance to thoughtful uncertainty” – Randall Arthur

I love to learn.  I love to read, research, question,  ponder, pray over, and to untangle subjects that intrigue me.  Most of all, my favorite thing is to listen to someone's story in hopes that somewhere in the telling, they can begin to unravel the threads of confusion and pain that have them bound.

 In my insatiable quest for knowledge, a curious thing has happened.  The thing that I have discovered is the more I learn, the less I know.  Each person, each situation is unique.  There is no "one size fit's all" answer.

Yes, as an outsider looking in, I may often think I have the very answer that would help them out of the hole they are in.   In fact, the solution could look SO simple that I am unable to understand how they could not see it themselves. The problem is, unless I am in their heart, mind, life, body, and spirit, I cannot even IMAGINE how to tell them to extricate themselves from the ties that bind.

I myself have been in many of those situations over my lifetime, and am in fact in one now.  If I told you about it, you would probably give me a look of amazed stupefaction because, to you, the answer is so self-evident.

What you do not know is what I have in my history.  You do not have the exact combination of experiences I have had that have led me to the habits and beliefs I have.  Even if you did, your perception of each situation would be solely yours. 

Indeed, there are many people out in this world that are so arrogant or so hardened they already have all the answers.  Those people most likely will not be caught up in indecision long enough to need to confide in you.  They will also be ones who think they have all of the answers for you AND everyone else, also!  This can be said of folks in Christian circles as well as of those who are not.

In my case it was some very well meaning Christian leaders that led me hopelessly astray and I am still unraveling the snarls that were caused to my perceptions and decision making.

I find myself unconsciously reverting to old principles and rules that are twisted and warped.  To me, THOSE things are natural and deep-seated as I was taught them in my "Christian Infancy".  Even when I broadened my horizons by listening to, and reading, other spiritual material, my view of things still had that tainted slant of my original teacher.  The contamination to my thinking still lingers.

For me, it is my experience with impaired religious teaching that often has me floundering in finding resolutions that may seem simple to others.  For you, it could be a sin or addiction, abuse, lack of healthy relationships, cultural beliefs, etc. that cause you to stumble and become bewildered as to how to use sound judgement.

I used to become rather scornful of others who allowed themselves to flounder and remain embroiled in situations that were consistently self defeating and painful.  The answers were so obvious!  Why did they keep complaining if they weren't going to try something different??!

Yeah.... I can have a pretty snotty, self righteous attitude if I'm not careful.....

For the past three years  I have been dealing with a dilemma that is completely baffling to me.  Advice I received was fairly consistent from person to person, and I DID try to enforce it..... only to find myself fail and fail again at following thru.  Why is it so difficult to heed their suggestions??!

Lately I have given up.... I have given up in trying to find a solution and have just prayed that God untangle things.  Yes, I follow my conscience and have not crossed any lines though I have skirted close a time or two.  I told God that I simply do not know what to do and I need Him to guide my steps.

As I have done this, things have began to come to light that allow me to relax and begin to develop a different view.... a different attitude.  While I am still confused as to what action to take, I have begun to relax.  No longer does shame and  the pressure of feeling forced to make a decision drive me.  This has brought more peace and clarity into my mind, heart, and spirit.

No, I didn't just give up but I did surrender.   I allowed myself to quit fighting to DO, to RESOLVE, to FIGURE OUT.   I allowed myself time to relax and turn to God admitting defeat.  I began to focus on today and the next decision in front of me instead of on trying to find a decisive direction.

Instead of offering advice, I often find myself saying  "This is how I see it, but I am not in your shoes.  Only you will know when you have reached the end of living this way.  It's then you will know something has to change for good.  At that time you will make the change or seek the help you need."

I guess it IS simple...  Recognize that accepting someone right where they are at is the best help we can be to them.  Acknowledge them as the precious and rare gift they are, even as you, once again, limp back with them through the same field of defeat and despair they have repeatedly traversed through.

It's being willing to truck with them through the cruddy swampland of healing they are blundering through.  And it IS a journey of healing.  Healing is not an overnight process, it is a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life. – Leon Brown

You never know, this pass through MIGHT just be the one where you or someone else finds that new road you've been seeking.  THIS time, that same rocky trail might just unexpectedly reveal a hidden path that you've never noticed before.  You take it and suddenly find yourself in a place of certainty and light.  You now know what to do.

Yes, more and more often I find myself confident of only this one thing:  The more I learn, the less I know.

You know what?  It's really not a bad place to be.  It means that there is now an infinite number of brilliantly hued ways that things can be resolved instead of just that black and white version we so often have.  And that's a good thing.... a place of hope.....

So are you willing to get your hands dirty?  Are you willing to travel with others down those craggy paths and around those jagged mountain bends of cramped, indecisive lockup?  Are you, yourself willing to relax and look around in wonder in all that you're learning while you are "incarcerated" by uncertainty and seeming ineffectiveness?

Ok then.... let's get this party started......

The future belongs to the few of us still willing to get our hands dirty.  Anonymous

Beauty Is an Essence..... part 2

“The vast desire and capacity a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire and capacity for intimate relationships. In fact, this may be The most important thing we ever learn about God-- He yearns for relationship with us. "  Staci Eldredge

I have been facing a great temptation for a long time now.  It is a situation that I had come to despise as a weakness I saw in others and could never imagine them letting even their thoughts go there.  I then became involved in a battle with that same temptation and my compassion and heartache for others has grown exponentially.  It has also helped me to more completely forgive others in my life who have caused me to suffer because they were unable to resist temptation.

Hmmmm....  Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that has been the purpose of this struggle.  It's to enable me to develop character "We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope."Romans 5:3   

Maybe it's time I do just that.... glory in my sufferings because it is strengthening me and growing me into a person who more closely resembles the beauty found in God.  I am germinating, stretching and unfurling like a fragrant, gorgeous flower sent to enhance lives and encourage others to delight in this thing we call life.  (Yes, I did sit here daydreaming of myself swirling around in a sunlit field, the folds of a gossamer gown unfolding and flowing as I twirled....  I've told you that I can be a bit meladramatic.... haha)

No, I'm not loving this suffering but I can change my attitude about how I view it.  I can ask God to enable to see the amazing things that are being developed in me, and as these things develop, I will see my inner peace grow.  How amazing is that?!  I am transforming into someone who can bless the world but in the process I'm receiving the biggest gift of all!  Peace.....

You are a flower.... you are unique, beautiful, creative and amazing....  As you relax and allow God to happen through you, instead of trying to make Him happen.... the most spendiforous things will begin to take root in you.  Relaxing into God... allowing your trust to grow.... will cause transformation in you that you never believed possible.  

Like a flower, you will continue to transform and evolve through the layers of soil,  the rains, the hurricanes, the blazing heat, and the gentle sun as a natural result of your growing trust in Him.  The flower seed does not grunt, groan, push and make things happen.  Things happen naturally in response to the crap... uh.... I mean fertilizer.... it receives, as well as the tending, watering and light it receives.

Relax.... quit trying so hard to develop as a Christian woman of character and begin to enjoy this journey and all it has to offer.   The more you relax and enjoy, the more you will come to recognize and appreciate each layer, each triumph, and yes.... even each trial.  I deliberately use the word trial here instead of struggle because it is my hope that I will learn to trust Him with each situation to the point where I no longer feel like I'm struggling, just surrendering to Him.

Will that ever happen in my lifetime?  I don't know but I can hope can't I?!  

Relax today and begin imagining what it is like to be loved right where you are, for who you are today.  If you face a situation in which you don't know what to do, try to imagine how you would handle it if you knew you were completely loved today.... if you could completely trust today.....  After all, it's all about today- this day, this hour, this moment.... 

Quit trying to figure out tomorrow and let your essence be a fragrance that anoints this day and everyone in it.  After all, you are perfectly and utterly loved just for who you are.....  And have fun!

“She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me..."   Antoine de Saint-Exupery  

*I borrowed quotes from a spectacular book called  "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul 

*conformity - compliance or acquiescence; obedience;  action in accord with prevailing "religious" standards, attitudes, practices, etc.

 

Beauty Is An Essence.... part 1

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.” Staci Eldredge

During my time with a ministry that taught rigid *conformity, I was taught MANY rules.  A major one was the concept of "letting go".  In other words, we were to quit emotionally "holding on" to the things that meant the most to us.

The thing this ministry failed to effectively communicate was that following a principle just because "it was the right thing to do" was basically ineffective.

You see, the truth is that it's not only about outwardly doing the right thing.  It's more about an inner change... a change in our hearts.  For each of us that is an individual process which produces a beauty "that is core to who we truly are."

It is a beauty that has little to do with how we look on the outside, but is a glorious reflection of the inner essence of who we are.....  Whether you're spiritual or not, it's a beauty that only time and experience can cultivate in you.

So often, following principles, whether it be from a book or religious teachings, just to achieve a desired result can be useless.  Yes, it can be a start but you must recognize that it can't end there.

Look deeper and recognize that transformation comes from within.  If not, one can become a phony, a hollowed out husk focused on the outer shell, instead of  a grace filled woman who blesses others with the glow of her inner light.

Why can some people adopt a principle and immediately see amazing results?  Who knows....   Could it be that their hearts are sincerely able to embrace the ability to do "the right thing" in blind faith, believing the outcome is "meant to be"?  What about those of us who can't seem to do that?

This verse comes to mind "These people make a big show of saying the right thing but their heart isn’t in it." Matthew 15:8   

I believe that we can follow principles and rules all day long, but if we do it just for a desired result  it's all lip service. I believe it must come out of simply trusting God with any outcome that happens, I think it is there where I have had some confusion.... I have manipulated principles, whether from scripture or how to books, to achieve the results I wanted without letting them do an inner transformation.

Does this make me a heathen pharisee, as some religious teachers imply?  People who clean up on the outside yet remain filthy on the inside?  I truly, truly do not believe so.  It makes me improperly instructed, and, at times, totally clueless as to what the truth is.  Am I blaming others for this?  A bit, I guess, though I now know a huge portion of responsibility rests with me.  I should have trusted my conscience and my inner instincts more.

Hosea 4:6 says "My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge..."   

Like me, you can take this verse fearfully to heart.  You can religiously began to acquire knowledge like I did.  I spent hundreds of hours listening to countless speakers, read many Christian motivational books, and read the Bible extensively.  

I put into effect the many truths and principles that I was taught only to find myself more confused, more anxiety ridden, and more fearful.  I experienced more heartache and felt further from God than I ever did, before I gained all of this instruction and direction.

In my experience, following all the rules others create has turned my life upside down.  Yes, it is good to gain knowledge.  It is good to read those how to manuals.   However, it is even more crucial, more glorious, to gain knowledge about who you are, and to embrace yourself, imperfections and all.

For those who are Christians, it is even more about gaining personal knowledge of our Lord.... of who He is....  His nature..... His love.....  For us, that is the key piece of knowledge that everything else hinges on.  That is the foundation.

Corinthians 13 in the Message is one of my absolute favorite passages in the Bible.   It talks about love and what it looks like... no... not looks like, but what it is....  It ends with this verse, "But for right now... until that completeness... we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love...."

See.... without love all else is worthless.  Without first establishing a foundation of love with God, maybe it's our minds and not our hearts that are engaged.

Some of the most perfect displays of love I see come from the most imperfect people.  They simply love God and others purely and unconditionally.

Maybe a million other things are not right in their lives, according to our rules. However, with love as the foundation, I've seen  rough areas of their life start to smooth out simply as an unconscious, heartfelt response to God's love.

Again, this isn't some principle that you can slap on like a cheap suit and mark it "done" on your check list.  As a matter of fact, this isn't something that you can "make work" at all.  It's a simple relaxing into a relationship with Him....

RELAX!  Ask HIM to make His love  real in your heart.  Ask HIM each day to simply show you His love and to enable you to believe it.  You can't manufacture it, so quit trying so hard.   HE has to be the one to make it real in you.

Don't get worried, frustrated or impatient that it may take you too long to "get it".  Try to stop doubting that you will....   After all, it's not you but HIM that will make the "knowledge" or "awareness" of Him unfold in you.   He delights in spending a lifetime showing you His never ending love.

Sit back and enjoy the journey.  You are in for the ride of a life time.....