Ms. High and Mighty

Milk is for beginners, inexperienced in God’s ways; solid food is for the mature, who have some practice in telling right from wrong. Hebrews 5:12 (Message version)

Have you ever gotten on a sugar high from a big ole candy bar and felt like you were invincible?  I felt that high today but it wasn't from sugar.  

Due to inner personal turmoil over a certain, long term situation, I made a temporary church change a few weeks ago. This morning I was feeling unease and queasiness at my choice. AND at the thought that I might make this a permanent change. Am I abandoning my beloved church family?? Am I making a mistake??   I started talking to God and asking Him to enable me to see things from the right perspective.

As I felt His peace flow into my heart I ended up on a "God high" that has lasted all morning.  However, I'm a little leary of that feeling.  I started feeling this strength flow in and as it did, I have to say that I got up on my soap box and started a sermon in my head.  Boy, was I great!!!  In my head that is!.

So my thought is, "was any of this from God or was it just me being self righteous."  I started thinking of the leadership in my church and thought "I want to feel that people in leadership have strength, wisdom and kindness."  I have been questioning that lately.

See, I told you that my high was really riding high... high and mighty, that is.  But it did cause me to pause and look at myself.  For a few years I have been at a place where I want to find out who Sheila is;  I want to be comfortable with who she is and I want others to accept me for me. 

I have a few habits that I know are not the most respectful to others.  The rant in my head this morning brought me to the realization that maybe it is time to see these things in a different light and not just as a "Eh! No biggie for now.. I'm human!" way of thinking.

For me, I feel like we have no real masculine leadership in our church... none that make me feel like there is a Godly strength in our church.   That being said, how would I make other, less spiritually mature, Christian women feel if they could see MY lack of maturity in my not so ladylike talk and occasional outbursts? 

Am I truly an authentic person if I still have those ... stains.... cozily hidden in my cute little laundry basket of life?  I do understand that any journey we embark on (like authenticity)  is  gradual, is a "it takes a life time to accomplish", feat and I DO look back and see how far I have come on it.  

However, maybe it's time that I not be so cuddly and comfortable with my dirty laundry.  Not shamed by it, just ready to allow God to clean house.....  Maybe I'm just eyeing this area of my life now because God has brought me to a place where I can let go of these unwanted items. It's His love that is changing me, not me, and not my fear of His disgust.

Understand that I'm sharing this because I have had what I feel is an eye opener about myself.  I am in no way trying to say that you, whoever you are, are at this particular point in your journey but it may crop up some day. 

The point that I'm trying to make is this:  I hope any change in your life is something that grows out of your maturing process, out of your love walk with God, and NOT just a "this is what a real Christian woman looks like.  I have to change to be loved by God" type of thinking; a performance based thinking. 

God KNOWS where you are at right now.  No, He does not want you to stay in lifestyles or habits that hinder you, but instead of beating it out of you, He chooses to allow His love to guide you out of it.  What beats us up is often the consequences of our own choices. 

 I don't think He's up there saying "You did this wrong so no love or blessings for you!".  (For those of you who were Seinfeld fans, picture the Soup Nazi saying this!) Rather, I can picture Him up there wincing and saying "Dang!  It hurts my heart to see her have to learn this way, but I rejoice in knowing that she IS learning and growing and WOW! What a spectacular tapestry her life is becoming!"  

I honestly feel that if I had not taken the time, the past two or three years, to focus on my love walk with God, I would be feeling more self righteous about things; This change would be more of a head decision than a heart knowing.   As it is, find myself saying "Huh...  I get it now."  (well, at least I do for the moment!)

There is often  of a feeling of wonder there, instead of a "it's time to grow up" shameful kind of feeling.  This is just how, for my type of personality, I need change to happen. I need to feel there is a tenderness encouraging me to change.    

Maybe for some of you it WILL be that matter of fact decision making type of personality that truly changes your heart.  Who knows?  We are all unique individuals and change will come in different ways, at different times, for all of us.  I just hope the change in each of us grows out of a heart knowledge of God's love for us, and not a head knowledge that is more of a "law" mentality.

The things I write here correlate with my particular journey and where I am at in it.  It is not a "how to" manual for you to follow.  

Picture it more as a cozy, fireside chat with the smell of a LARGE dose of Hazelnut creamer, being slowly stirred into hot coffee, floating between us.  It's a chat between friends eager to share our ups and downs without fear of pointing fingers or feelings of judgment.  My hope is that this is somewhere where we will feel safe in this world of religion that so loves to point out all of our wrongs, instead of celebrating with us in all of our rights......

“I pray that you will understand the words of Jesus, “Love one another as I have loved you.” Ask yourself “How has he loved me? Do I really love others in the same way?” Unless this love is among us, we can kill ourselves with work and it will only be work, not love. Work without love is slavery.”
― Mother Teresa

The Least Qualified

Ephesians 3:7-8 This is my life work: helping people understand and respond to this Message. It came as a sheer gift to me, a real surprise, God handling all the details. When it came to presenting the Message to people who had no background in God’s way, I was the least qualified of any of the available Christians. God saw to it that I was equipped, but you can be sure that it had nothing to do with my natural abilities. (Message version)

Wow.... I read the verses above today, and they really spoke to me.  My mind went back to nine years ago when I started out on this God journey.  Oh, yes, I knew about God before and considered myself a Christian because I believed in Him, but I didn't KNOW God.  I didn't know that He was very real, up close and oh so VERY present in my every day, every minute life. 

When I started out on this journey and began to become aware of His presence , I expected myself to immediately get it all right.  After all, that is what I was hearing from the pulpit of any pastor I listened to.  And I listened to A LOT of them on TV as well as online and in church.  Maybe that isn't what they meant, but that is what I heard.  I heard so much "don't do this" and "this is what a Christian looks like".

All of that talk definitely put the fear of God in me, but it also GREATLY hindered my walk with Him, as it became performance based.  I came to believe I was only acceptable in God's eyes if I performed well enough. Wayne Jacobsen describes performance based religion as  "do good, get good, do bad, get bad."  I started to believe that way and my whole life became one big tight rope walking, doubt fest. 

I doubted that I was good enough, acceptable enough, pretty enough, lovable enough.... and it allowed shame to point it's oh so very accusatory finger smack dab in my face....  or more accurately, to shoot it's flaming arrows straight into my heart.  I wasn't good enough to maintain healthy relationships, now I wasn't even good enough for God to love me....  That became my way of thinking.  Oh that "stinkin' thinkin".

1 John 4:18 tells us that "Perfect love casts out fear."  I love how the Message version says it in verses 17-18 "God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

The journey out of the pit of terror and into the tunnel of love (ugh... that's even too cheesy for ME to say!  has been so so SO difficult but so worth it.  As I look back, I can see the truth... the truth that shows me that HE did this, not me.  Yes, I had to allow Him in. 

 I had to force myself to step outside of the box that religiosity had me trapped in, trembling, yes, clinging onto God's hand, yes, but step out side of that box of terror, religious obligation and self hatred and allow myself to trust Him to catch me if I fell. And He has caught me.. many...no, every time.  Maybe not in the way I would envision it, but He was, is, ALWAYS there loving me, rooting for me, even when it feels like He's not. 

I still have so far to go, a lifetime to go, and I'll never know the whole of it until I am in heaven. However, that is exactly why it is vitally important that I come to enjoy this journey that I am on and quit focusing on the destination, on the end product of what, of who, I feel I should be.

It's Him... it's all God that is changing me and smoothing out the rough edges.  The biggest part of my struggle has been letting go of feeling like it's up to me to become this mature Christian that "get's it".  I have, after many HORRIBLE... thrashing about... trying to fix myself.... make myself more acceptable to God.... struggles..... come to the point of giving up in many areas;  Of saying "Ok, God... I know that this behavior or these thoughts are not your best for me but you're going to have to fix it; I can't and I'm tired of feeling guilty and ashamed.  I'll do what I can but your word says that you are strong when I am weak so it's time to put the pedal to the metal and show me the truth in that verse, in your word.  I'm tired of struggling with it - here ya go.....  (Sheila quietly whispers "easier said than done, I know...")

Well, this entry was supposed to talk about how I am beginning to relax enough (just a TEENSY bit) with God to allow Him to come alongside me so that I can join Him in His journey to share the truth of His love.  And how it was all Him.... HE equipped me, one of  the least qualified, in maybe helping to share the message of Him with others.  BUT.... that will have to wait for another time....

Don't forget to look up and around you as you are on this journey called life.  Yes, the road may often be rocky, but look at the beauty, maturity, growth and change that those very rocks can add to your life, and oh so many other lives.  Quit resisting the journey and ask God to give you direction, to guide your steps, to give you wings to fly....

*I made reference to Wayne Jacobsen   Lifestream Ministries  http://www.lifestream.org/   Go check him out!  I LOVE his books, blog, engage series, and especially his podcasts.                 

Isn't it beautiful, the way we fall apart..... 

Have you heard that song "Isn't it beautiful" by We As Human? "Its the battle within, the good and the sin, with both sides standing strong. But isn't it beautiful the way we fall apart...  It's magical and tragic... so unpredictable...

Let's face it, whether you are a Christian or not, life will always have those trials, those crazy twists and turns that leave you confused, bruised, battered, breathless and torn.  But if you are on a God journey, if you are a Christian, there is a difference. 

The difference is that falling apart CAN be beautiful when you look at the results; the softness, the tenderness, the compassion and the REAL love that begins to grow in our hearts when we allow God to take our hurts, our tragedies and even our own brutally catastrophic choices to mold us into the gracious, glowing, kind and loving women that He intended us to be. 

 I know.... I know.... we wish it could just happen easily and painlessly.  Many times I have railed at God and asked Him WHY He just wouldn't instantly allow me to change into the creation He had in mind.  I have been SO angry, and still am at times, that the paths He seems to allow us to travel to soften us are those rocky, pitted  pot holes that leave us drained and done...

But once I have come out of that horribly overgrown forest of despair, I look back and see that the thorns and thistles have now grown into graceful flowers, gently blowing in the breeze with their faces turned up to the sun.  Another way to explain it is that when I go thru a time of exhausting chaos in my life, and especially in my soul, the time that follows after I have passed thru is one of such a deep, satisfying peace.

One of my favorite quotes is "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ❀ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. It is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen. 1 Cor. 13:7-8 JB Phillips Version

My First Post! ...  

Ok, so I finally did it.  I.... a person who does not really trust this whole cyberspace thingy stuff, has decided to finally give birth to the idea I have been kicking around for quite a while... a blog.... gulp....

My thoughts are, since I consider life SUCH a beautiful mess, why not reflect that chaos on this site.   I would love to be able to share this journey with other exquisitely wounded, crookedly patched up, willy nilly, giggly, tenderhearted, silly, goofy gals.

Subjects on this blog will, I'm sure, have a range of subjects from books, to kids, to crushes, to depression, to healing, to the "wetting your pants" kind of uncontrollable laughter.....  well.... you get the picture.  It will be a collage of subjects; in other words.. A BEAUTIFUL MESS!

Hold on to your hats girls!  We are in for a breathtakingly, gloriously dizzying, bumpy ride!

                                                  my nephew and I at the park
                                    The best thing we can do is to enjoy eating, drinking, and working.
                              I believe these are God’s gifts to us.  Ecclesiastes 2:24  Easy to read version