I Will Love You for You....     

  

              I will love you for you.... Not for what you have done or what you'll become....

This morning I went to yesterday's blog entry, felt it was incomplete, so started adding to it.  However, this afternoon on Facebook a friend posted this video and I realized that it fit perfectly with what I had started to write this morning.  I hope it speaks to your heart like it has mine.

My heart aches for women, for everyone really, that just wants to be unconditionally loved just for who we are, right now, this moment, horrible past and all.  It gets so exhausting feeling like we never measure up.  We often feel drained by what life brings us.  

As women, our heart cries to be loved just the way we are.  Most of us feel not enough, too much, too fat, too skinny, to tall, too short, too loud, not loud enough, too friendly, too shy, too dumb, too smart.... you get the picture.  Lean close now.... there is something that I want to tell you.....

You are beautiful just the way you are....  God loves YOU just as much today as He ever will.  Your looks, your personality, your actions do not increase or lessen His love for you.   This is one of the hardest things to believe because God's love is not typically the focus in most churches.  The church tends to direct us to look at our faults, at our failings and how God commands us to change, to be this, to be that.  Sadly, often we don't find the real God in church.  We find human intepretations of God and of human expectations that we are to meet for God.

We MUST learn to be careful not to compare God's love to human love.  Human love comes and goes but God's love never changes.  He IS love. His word is full of what alot of christians see as commands.  However, as you start to know and abide in His love, I believe you will come to see these as tender promises, as wonderful gifts that HE will bring to life in us.  We can't do it no matter how hard we try.

Most of us, once we do start to believe that God loves us just the way we are, still cannot seem to find comfort in that.  I have told God, like many of us has told a parent who loves us unconditionally, "You HAVE to love me... You're my Father, my Creator, my God."  It has only been since beginning to get a revelation that HIS opinion is the only one that matters, that I start to take comfort and delight in that thought.  We humans are so fickle and judgmental in our opinions that we will drive each other crazy trying to meet all the expectations others have of us!

I used to rebel inwardly toward God because my understanding of Him, from religious teachings, was that His goal, His demand was, "CHANGE OR ELSE!!"  That translated to me as "you are not good enough as you are.  You are junk not worth my time until you change." 

That is SO not true!  He is fiercely in love with me just as I am, in all my imperfections.  He truly does want me to come "just as I am".  It is the church who says that, but immediately points out that NOW you need to change.  Right now!  No, not all churches do that.  Maybe they don't even notice that is what comes across.  I just wish they would welcome new Christians like they do a new baby.  Give them time to grow in God's love.

That being said,  I have come to believe the saying that "He loves you too much to leave you where you are."  That too can be taken as I'm not good enough.  Also not true.  I don't believe it is a commandment.  I believe it is a delightful, glee filled promise.  "Taste and see that the Lord is good..." Psalm 34:8  I picture God's face glowing here with excitement and encouragement!

I have started to "taste God and see that He is good".  When I started relaxing into his love, into believing that I didn't have to earn His love, then I started seeing Him as someone that I was excited to come along side and join in what adventures He wanted to take me one.  I began to see that it is not so much Him changing me but as Him "freeing me". 

As bad habits like anger, judgmentalness, expectations of how others should be or act, selfishness, gossip, gluttony (still have this one BIG time! LOL!), covetnous, etc. start to lessen in me, I experience a freedom that is exhilerating!

The biggest area of freedom I am experiencing is,  as I start to love myself, accept myself in all of my imperfections, then I begin to love others in a more real, God like way.  For some reason, loving myself connects with....enables me to.... love others more perfectly.

As I begin to focus on the person  God's word says He created me to be when He breathed His spirit into me - loving, kind, generous, forgiving, hopeful, joyful, etc.- and began to focus less on who I SEEM to be right at this moment, then change starts to happen. 

When I quit focusing on how I still have angry blow ups, how I still have nasty thoughts of others, how I still gossip, how I still hog that bag of chocolates to myself and don't share with others, I start to feel less guilt and shame.

Those two emotions are what holds us back from freedom.  They are a prison.  They cause us to focus so much on the muck and mess our humanness brings into our lives, that we are unable to focus on the true us that is our spirit.  When we change our focus and zero in on the person that God says we are in Him, then the guilt and shame loses it's grip and we start to grow.

When we do find ourselves messing up, whether it is by acting out in wrong behavior or by wallowing in guilt in shame, it's best to apologize if needed, and to move on.  Also, instead of trying to ignore things or beat ourselves up over them, it helps to just find a quiet place to let all of these thoughts flow thru. 

I am someone who would "chew" on the thoughts, wrestling to try to figure out things.  Now, after practicing this method, I allow myself to think the thoughts and then I ask "Why am I feeling this way?  Why am I thinking this way? Why did I react this way?

I try to not allow myself to wrestle and over analyze, but I allow one thought to follow another.  It's best if I can talk out loud to myself or to journal the thoughts as they come.  When I do this, often I will recognize some hidden bias or judgmental thought in me toward myself or others.  Often I will recognize something that triggers certain reactions or thoughts. 

I may even recognize a hidden hurt or insecurity that can trigger a reaction from me.  When hidden things are uncovered in me, it lets the light in and can often free me from the hold something has had on me.  You've heard the verse "the truth will set you free."  I'm here to tell you that it does!

Even if you do not uncover a reason as to why you are feeling the way you are, why you reacted the way you did, often just letting the thoughts flow out of you relieves a pressure and brings peace.  The key here is to let thoughts flow as you think them.  Don't grab onto the thoughts and try to squeeze an answer out.  If one comes, great....  If it doesn't, that's ok too. 

For me, when I start to feel tense in my brain (sound's funny doesn't it!) or anxious, the I physically force myself to relax and go on to something else if I have to.  I make it a habit to try to recognize when I have shifted from letting thoughts flow thru vs. grabbing on to them and letting them make me anxious.

In everything I talk about on this blog, I want you to remember that they are not to be used as  formulas... as rules or principles.  When you feel you MUST do something in order to achieve a result, you put a pressure on yourself that may hinder you.   If you can relax and recognize that I am sharing my experiences with you... that I am sharing teachings that worked for me with you..... then you can relax. 

Imagine us as friends, sitting over cups of coffee and sharing our lives together.  Yes, I would love to hear from you, too!  My hope is that this does not remain just a one sided conversation.  We can learn from each other.  That's what makes this journey so freeing and so exciting!  Not one of us has it all together.  Not one of us doesn't have something to share.  I am not a leader, I am a... a.... a share-er.  (Is that a word?  It is now!)

TaTa for now!  I am going to close with this quote that I just love, and so fits who I am:

 "I'm not about leading. But I AM about instigating. I'd rather we walk alongside each other in this life, than one in front of the other. But, if I see that you need a push, I'll get behind you... and I hope you'll do the same for me." Jamie Wright

We All Fall Down...

I feel the need to assure you that it is very normal for you to make mistakes.... to fail.   I use the word fail loosely because I believe it is US who see's things as failures.  God says He can use ALL things for the good of those who love Him.

 He see's your heart and He see's that strong desire to do what is right.  He KNOWS how early you are in your walk with Him.  Maybe you have even been a Christian for many years but still don't "hear" God.  Now is a good time to start!

How I started to feel more comfortable following up on what I believe is God's "voice" is by being willing to fail.  Believe me, that was NOT easy for me!  I was so afraid of making a mistake and ruining EVERYTHING that I always questioned and refused to take a chance that it was God prompting me.

I heard a few people say that you come to recognize God's leading by obeying "nudges" that you feel.  As you step out and follow these nudges, you will become more able to identify what is most likely from God.  You will make many mistakes so just accept that fact now and understand that He is up there cheering you on for your courage and determination to come to know Him better.  Now, courage does not mean lack of fear, it means doing something in spite of the fear.

In learning to "hear" from God, reading the bible is a big help here.  As you read, ask HIM to reveal to you what He wants you to learn.  20,000 people can explain one passage to you and each may have a different understanding.  If you are like I was, you don't want to make a mistake in your understanding of His word so you WANT other people to give you the definite answers. 

This was a big place where I had to step out and start responding to what I felt was nudges from God.  I had to learn to trust that He IS speaking directly to me thru His word, even if my understanding differed from all others around me.  That doesn't mean that I discounted their opinions but it did mean that I went to Him in prayer and asked Him to speak to my heart.  If I continued to feel strongly that my understanding was from Him, I went in that direction.

Also, starting to gain knowledge from the bible will help you to identify what nudges may or may not be from God.  If you have a nudge to slap someone up side the head, you should be able to know that this is NOT from God! Haha! If you have a nudge to steal something, again you'll know that this does not line up with God's character.

And now we've come full circle... back to what I've talked about in other posts.  Your relationship with Him is key.  It is only by having that as a foundation, by asking Him to reveal Himself to you, that you can have an understanding as to His nature.  You can read the bible all you want but unless you read it with a heart that is asking Him to reveal who He is, you will just end up with a head full of knowledge but a heart that is empty of His compassion, His joy, His truth.

My hope is that you feel encouraged by my telling you to relax.  This all takes alot of time.  Some may get it quicker than others but in my life "slow and steady wins the race."  I tried to rush to catch up with all the more mature christian sisters in ministry that I knew, and I crashed and burned.

I did a 21 day fast 4 (?) years ago where I ate only peanut butter and drank orange juice.  Now, I don't recommend this.  There are healthier ways to do this.  I ended up with horrendous pain from orange juice acid not properly digesting!  Yikes!  Anyway, I DID get what I truly believe was insight from God.

I remember praying once during this time and crying out "God, I feel like I'm missing something!"  It was like plain as day the thought came thru my head "You are... You are so busy trying to keep up with the big dogs that you are missing things I'm trying to show you..."  Now, I know the words "big dogs" don't sound like God but sometimes I believe He says things in a way that will make the biggest impact on our own unique understanding.

The understanding that rose up in me when I heard this thought was that I am trying so hard to be "mature" that I was missing the necessary growth process.  I will tell you that I did feel like a preschooler taking advanced college classes.  I was so out of my league!

I'm going to tell you something you may have heard before but didn't really heed.  Quit resisting where you are right now in your growth process.  Sometimes I think God deliberately slows us down for what ever reason He may think is necessary.  Don't beat yourself up for not "getting it."  It will come.  Maybe not as fast as you would like but just relax, enjoy it....

Quit looking for "right" or "wrong" answers from God.  Just ask Him to enable you to sense His leading.  It's not about right or wrong.  It's about following Him.  It's about relationship with Him.  Stop doing things just because you "should".  Now, we all have responsibilities that have to be done: our jobs, taking care of family, etc.  But tithing just because you "should", volunteering just because you "should", going to church just because you "should", etc.  are keeping you from walking in freedom.

What I am saying is not a ticket to a free ride.  I am not saying just stop and focus on you.  What I AM saying is, if you have a heart for God then when you stop all the "shoulding" and start to trust that God loves you right where you are, without you "earning" anything from Him, then you will start to relax.  You will start to be able to identify what God is prompting you to do over what is often empty activities that He has never asked you to do.

It took me a good two or three years of stopping most activities before I was relaxed enough to start to hear Him over my inner guilt to "do" , or over others expectations of what I should do.  I just spent that time focusing on learning about His love.  I hungrily devoured books that were focused on relationship with Him, on His love for me.  I listened to Wayne Jacobsen's Lifejourney Podcasts often.  I spent time singing praise songs and talking to Him about all the junk that was inside me.  I learned to quit pretending with myself and with Him.

As Christians we can become good at pushing down what is unpleasant truths about ourselves.  We expect ourselves to ACT and THINK like a Christian so what doesn't line up with that get's swept under a mask we hold carefully in place.  However, inside we become a mess.  We can start to feel like our life is a lie.  Or worse, we deceive ourselves so completely, convinced because we are living such a disciplined life, that we start to become VERY judgmental of others who are not. 

In a nutshell, when the inner most depths of us do not match up with the outside, we are not congruent.  In other words, we are not the same on the inside as we portray on the outside.

The outside of us should be a reflection of the inner us.  When it is not, we are not at peace.  I have found, for me, focusing on letting Him love me to wholeness has brought so much more growth, honesty, and unselfishness to my life than all the other religious activities I got into just because I should.

It's Not About You....

Ugh... how I used to hate those words.... "It's not about you."  So often shyness or my perception of how others see me has held me back.   It's held me back from friendships, from volunteering as a parent at school, from trying out for cheerleader, school plays,  from so many things.

 I did not like me so I was unable to see how others could.  I've heard more than once by well meaning friends "What makes you think you are so special that others are even noticing you?  It's not about you..."

Oh great.. Not only am I selfish and self focused but, as you just said, I'm not special either..."  sigh....  I'm begging you, think next time before you use those words.  They can crush a spirit.  They did mine.

 I was not at a place that was yet rooted in God's love.  I was not at a place of recognizing that He made me... my looks, my personality... He made it all and He was well pleased with it.   I did not yet understand that HE would be the one to gently mold, with such a tender love, His creation into completion.

Lord, I wanna yearn for you.... I wanna burn with passion over you and only you....

I'm listening to the song "Yearn" by Shane and Shane at the moment.  After years of trying to reach this place, HE is bringing it into a reality in my heart.  Nothing else matters but Him... not the changes, not the "stuff", and not even the vision He has for me.  I think His biggest delight is me being right in this moment, caught up in Him.... He is all that matters....

Ok, I got lost for a minute...  back to "it's not about you", except I believe it is.  It's about He and I... it's about our relationship.  That is the heart of all of this.  It HAS to be about me and Him.  Out of the relationship He builds with me flows true authentic love for others.  You've heard "You can't give what you don't know."  Thru my experience I have come to believe that.  It's not until I can learn about His unconditional love that I can give it away... give it to others.

When I come to see the mistakes, the outright failures that He continues to love me unconditionally thru, THEN I can see others thru the same nonjudgmental, unconditionally loving eyes.  It's kind of a catch 22.  I have to come to believe that He still loves me with fierce devotion even thru my badness to be able to give that to others.  Yet I have had the pleasure of Him bringing people into my life that loves me thru it all, to give me a... a... glimpse.... of His unfailing love.

What about those of you that have not had even one person show you unconditional love?  I'm not talking about showing you love by agreeing with all that you do, but by continuing to love you even if they have to withdraw from your life so God can work, or so that they themselves are not destroyed. 

Unconditional love is not putting up with all that you do, so don't go get that idea.  I feel that sometimes God has had to step back when I am bound and determined to go my own way.  He steps back because He loves me and will not force me to do what I don't want to do.  He won't force me to give up what I don't want to give up.  That's free will.  But thru it all, His heart is with me, never losing hope.

To get back to the subject... what about those of you have not had even one person show you unconditional love?  It's hard to grasp what you've never known so ask Him to show you.  Ask Him to give you a revelation in your heart of His love.  I did....

In my experience, it is only thru gaining insight as to who you are, and loving who you are, that true relaxing can come to your spirit.  It is then that you start to no longer need the approval of others so much.  It is then that you don't NEED them to accept you first.

 No, it's not easy to make this transition but I'm proof that it can be done.  You can then start to focus on others and on enabling THEM to feel accepted.  Sometimes it flows naturally and easily.  Sometimes you will have to make a choice to ignore your discomfort and step out, making it a point to focus on being there for others.

Often times you will find the door opening and people responding to you.  If they don't, use it as an opportunity to learn.  Use it as an opportunity to draw close to God for comfort.  Yes, your stomach may be in knots.  Yes, you may feel rejected.

I use it as an opportunity to ask God to enable me to not depend on the reaction from others, to not feel "less than" just because I have been rejected.For me, it is growing in this area that is giving me a sense of freedom; freedom from the actions and feelings of others controlling me.   
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Deceived by the deceiver.....

I went thru a time in my life where I was VERY deceived by the deceiver (satan).  I was deceived to the point where I almost lost my life.  As a new Christian I became involved with a woman's ministry that taught directly from the bible, yes, but in a way that was detrimental to a new christian. 

My life became a pit of despair and fear because I had not had the opportunity to get to know Christ as who He really is.... Love.... Light.... Hope.... Grace......   THAT is the foundation of who He is... the foundation that all else can then be built on.

I was in conversation yesterday with a guy friend from my church, who I assumed had a close walk with Christ.  During this conversation he mentioned that he no longer believed in God as his provider.... God was just there to give him a place in heaven.  How sad to not truly know the width, depth and breath of God's love....

I started opening up about that VERY dark time in my life.... a time where I got to what has been my lowest point.... a time where I no longer wanted to live.  The extreme fear I had developed thru teachings from that ministry had pushed me straight thru depression into a place where I no longer was healthy emotionally and mentally.

I truly was living in hell on earth at that time and could not tell reality from deception.  I was in a constant state of terror which I hid from everyone until it reached the point where it resulted in a hospital stay.  They diagnosed me as depressed with a severe psychosis.  Let me give you a little lesson on what that is.


As I sat here this morning praying and dwelling on the conversation yesterday what came to me is that so many ... probably all of us christians... are deceived by the deceiver in some way.  This poor guy is deceived into thinking that God is only there to get him to heaven.  He's missing a HUGE MONUMENTAL relationship that no other can compare too. 

Others are walking in out and out sin... deceived into thinking God is holding out on them and they need to grab for their own what He hasn't given them.  

I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone but what if we had a little more compassion and start praying for people instead of knocking them down... What if we started petitioning God on their behalf, asking Him to reveal the depth, the width and the breadth of His love to them. 

What if WE became His hands and feet, loving these people right where they are at and trusting God to do the changing in them.  We pay attention to the log in our own eye and ask God to enable us to live a life that He can shine thru... a life that will enable them to "taste and see that God is good..."  We aren't living a life like that when we play God and become judgmental toward others.

Yes, there may come a point in your relationship with someone that God asks you to gently and lovingly point out where they are being deceived.  But until HE has prepared their heart to hear it, I feel I am to keep my sticky dirty hands OUT of trying to play saviour.

When God brings people into our lives that are walking in obvious deception, could it be that He is wanting to teach US something?  Could it be that He is saying "Love them.... just love them.  Trust that I can change their hearts and that you are free to just love them." 

That is not to say that we don't have boundaries in our own lives where others are concerned.  We can't let their choices destroy us, so we do have to stick closely to God in prayer and ask Him to direct our steps. 

But during these times, more than ever, that is where we start to see the miracle of GOD working, not ourselves.  That is where our faith starts to stretch and grow because we realize that we can do nothing of real value.  It is HIM that has to do the work and we can only believe.... just believe.....

The Most Difficult Person to Trust...

I am taking a class that has focused alot on helping us to recognize our own personal values.  Yesterday was a small class and Dr. Dan wrote our names on the board then had us each list our values.  He then went over each person's values asking the class what they thought that might mean to that person.

I was one who lumped a lot of values together so I managed to have 20 up there when others had just five or ten... Hey!  Don't judge me!  So I over think!  Haha!

One of the value areas I lumped together was honesty/authenticity/integrity/respect.  Dr. Dan tried to figure out exactly what this meant for me.  I explained that I wanted that from others... If someone asked me to hang out with them, I have this deep need to know that they mean it.... that they enjoy my company... that they are not just "being nice."  It's a sign of respect for me if they are genuine and authentic.  We also talked about how I kind of freak if I say something then later realize I lied without thinking.

Dan said that this area would be a stumbling block for me in my progression toward the vision of what God wants me to do.  He thinks I will shy away from things that won't give me those values... that I won't be content with what is true "at the moment." 

As I think about it, me feeling like others will not see me as an asset or as someone they enjoy being with does make me shy away.  This year I decided to muster up the courage to go to the monthly parent Band Boosters meeting.  I felt so ignored and not needed.  In my mind I told myself that this was my own stinkin' thinkin' but it has made me skittish about going.  So I can see what Dr. Dan may be alluding to.

As I lay there this morning thinking about the class discussion yesterday, and my values, I realized that I wanted those things from others, yes, but the hugest thing I wanted was to be able to GIVE those things to others and I never feel that I am good enough at it.

A memory floated thru my mind of talking with a male friend about marriage.  He explained how hard it was to trust a woman because of what had been done to him before.  I thought about it because I had been thru that also.  But what came out of my mouth was "I have dealt with that fear.  My biggest fear is that I will not be able to love a husband in the way that he should be loved."

This morning I realized that, tho my trust of myself is growing, there is still a part of me that finds ME the most difficult person to trust.  And until I CAN trust myself, I do not feel that I will fully be able to trust others.  What it would it look like to trust myself.... to trust others.... Here is yet another avenue of life where my imagination needs to come into play.  What would it look like.....

I look at myself as the biggest stumbling block in relationships.  I look at myself as the one who will make or break a relationship.  I look at myself as the one who may not have it in her....  That is a scary thought.  What if I am not "good" enough...?

As I'm writing I am remembering a memory from my religious past.  The pastor of a legalistic marriage ministry that I was a part of said that she would never remarry another man because it would be adultery.  She also refused to remarry her husband because she was not a good wife.  Now, this woman EXCELLED at being a wife and mother by most standards. 

It hit me last week that this bit of narley info had it's talons gripped into my brain without my even realizing it.  If SHE could never be a good enough wife to remarry again, how would I ever be??!  It's all about learning to trust myself in every area.  Well, not necessarily myself but the Holy Spirit in me.... in trusting the grace that is available to me.

In my marriage, my ex husband says that he did not have any problems except that I kept myself emotionally and physically distant.  It now hits me that I have been focusing on the fact that I was a nagging wife that put a distance between us... Really, it was that he could not get that emotional and physical connection with me that a husband needs.  As Dr. Dan says, if men don't get that from their wives they get stupid... they don't think clearly....

If I can come to believe that I myself can give those values that are so important to me, then I think a whole new world is going to come open to me.  The possibilities truly WILL be limitless.  I was just talking yesterday about the fact that I wanted to work at home. In the past I felt that I would NOT be good at that because I would not be committed to getting the job done since I would not have a boss looking over my shoulder.  Yesterday I told my friend, I THINK I would commit myself, which IS a step in the right direction.  But I realize that I need to BELIEVE that I WILL be good at working from home.

Have you noticed that my blogs lately have been about BELIEVING?  I'm noticing that this is a major theme lately in my life.  I think it is the simple, most basic foundation of life and especially of our Christian walk.  Believing, trusting, having faith.  And all these things are more than just words.  We can feel we do believe but I feel that true belief is this deep, peaceful KNOWING something is true.  It's a part of us.... it flows out of us.  It is not something we strive to do, it just .... is.....

I think we need to tap into our imagination.... We need to allow ourselves to dream the most impossible dreams and allow ourselves to believe that they CAN come true, no matter what our circumstances look like today.... no matter what our past has been like....  We need to stop being afraid of being disappointed and just enjoy having those HUGE dreams, KNOWING that they can come true if they are part of God's plan for us.  Ask Him to show you the desires of His heart for you.  Ask Him to show you what true faith is really like.   Believe.... just believe.....

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 27:20

"Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:23-24

I Have the Righteousness of Christ...

This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile.  Romans 3:22 NIV

In another bible version: Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.  Romans 3:22 The Message

Yesterday I was listening to a tv pastor, Creflo Dollar, as I got ready for work.  He said something that really resonated in my spirit.  You have to BELIEVE that you are are righteous... that it is in you... that HE put it in you.  It is not anything that you can do that makes you righteous.... it's just in you when you accept Christ as your saviour.  

You ARE good....  As long as you focus on your sins, on your failures, then you will walk around feeling condemned and defeated.  You HAVE to focus on the fact that you are good because He is in you.  Easy peasy.... right....?


Man, do I ever understand that this is a difficult concept but this morning (here's my favorite phrase lately) I feel I got a glimpse of what that is.  I was lying in bed feeling uncertain and anxious about a step that I had taken yesterday. Should I of have.... shouldn't I of have....  Then my thoughts went to "You have NOT been a good friend lately" and my spirit sunk even lower.

As I lay there I thought "I am so sick of feeling uncertain.  I started repeating the phrases "I am the righteousness of Christ.  I am a good person." over and over.  After a bit I felt this strength flow thru me, this knowing that it was true.  It's not because of me.  It's because He is in me.  He knows how much I want to do the right thing but I don't trust myself, my fleshly desires, so I question all that I do.

As this strength flowed thru me I literally felt myself standing up on the inside and looking at the situation from yesterday.  Yes, my flesh has some desires in this area and cloud my vision once in a while.  Yes, I had a bit of self interest in doing what I did yesterday.  But I also realized that I DO have good intentions where this subject is concerned.  I DO truly want to be a blessing to others.  As this understanding hit me, I realized that was the core reason for doing what I did.  I had pictured, as I often do, that it was my own self interest that was at the core.  

I am constantly praying that God reveal to me if I am doing something for selfish motives.  I am constantly second guessing myself.  I am TIRED of it! TIRED of feeling selfish and inadequate!  What I saw this morning was that I DO have a pure motive.  Yes, bits of self interest are still floating around the outside of this strong center, but I'm human.  I need to focus on the truth and not that nasty ole flesh buzzing around me like a pesky fly trying to land on my sandwich!

I, as usual, even questioned myself about this understanding.  Am I deceiving myself.  So I turned my thoughts to my friends.  Instances floated thru my head where, just recently, I HAD been a good friend to them.  I AM a good friend. 

 But this strength in me also honestly pointed out "Yes, you have been a little unfocused with them lately, a little self absorbed, but you are human.   You recognize this so focus on THEM and not yourself next time you are with them.  It happens...." My focus has been on this other topic, and I've let other things blur out to the side.

As I'm speaking, maybe my focus WAS to be on this other thing for a bit.  Instead of feeling guilt and trying to force myself NOT to focus on this topic, I hesitantly let things flow.  I went along for the ride instead of constantly pulling the emergency break... instead of being so afraid of making a mistake that I turned tail and run.  Instead of constantly questioning my own motives I had begun to pray "God, make my heart right.  God, make my heart right." as I went forward.

If I had not done that, if I had listened to ALL my friends instead of the nudging of the Holy Spirit, I would not have reached this level of trusting God.  I have started to trusted Him so much more, but one HUGE area I don't trust Him with is me... with my intentions.  It's almost like I can't even see.... I can't believe.... that He can't be trusted to make my intentions pure. 

 I have been trying to do it myself.  I have been focusing too much on where I am missing the mark.  I am so focused on looking at my feet, at where my "sin so easily entangles me", instead of looking ahead to what He is calling me to.

You might say "I don't even know how to recognize what He is calling me to!"  GRRRRLL!  Let me tell YOU!  I have eaten, lived and breathed feeling that way.  The frustration that sets in is HORRIBLE!  But... listen to me now.... I have only started to be able to recognize what could be God nudges, what He is calling me to (which is just the next step; I don't see the whole picture EVER!)... I have only started to recognized what could be Him by being willing to fail.

Yes, we women hate that word fail.  We Christian women think it means sin.  Think it means we will trash up God's whole plan if we fail.  However, I firmly believe that you CANNOT become more in tune with God's voice until you are willing to take chances.  

Until you are willing to let go of what you have always thought was true and be willing to consider that the nudges you feel inside of you COULD be from God.  Of course you want to cover everything in prayer before you step out.  Of course what you are feeling is God will not go against scripture.  You will KNOW that if you feel a nudge to steal that car, it is not from God.  Plain and simple.

However, often even the way we have been taught scripture hinders us.  We have to be willing to realize that we may have it totally wrong.  Since I have started typing this blog I notice that scripture just pops out of me to support the point I am trying to make.  A few days ago it hit me that is how it is with everyone who is walking with Christ.  He will bring scripture out of you to help show you that you are on the right path. That means that scripture is personal.  It is how he talks personally to each one of us.

Someone could be writing a blog about deep sea fishing and God can use the same verses He brings to my mind for us women, to this fisherman.  These verses help me to get my point across to you about my walk with Him.  Those same verses can be used by a fisherman, if God brings them to his mind, to get his point across about his passion for fishing, for manliness, for adventure...  Do you get the point I am making here?

Don't let someone else be the go between with you and God.  Yes, it is wise to seek Godly counsel, especially when you are a new Christian.  But take all advice you get to God in prayer.  Don't assume that you are not wise enough or spiritual enough to hear God.  

If I am friends with you, but I always let our friend Nancy guide our relationship, determine what we should and shouldn't do together, than I am hindering our friendship.  I have to take the risk to say "Hey, do you wanna ____?"  (you fill in the blank: go eat, go to Paris, go fishing, sign up for a class, etc.)  If you miss the mark and your friend says "Don't you know me at all??  Don't you know that I hate to do that???", just look at it as a learning lesson.  You can say "You are right... I'm sorry that I hadn't recognized that about you."  And you go forward in the friendship, hopefully focusing a bit more on your friend and her likes.  You don't hate yourself because you messed up.  You don't throw the friendship away thinking you're never gonna get it right.   You learn from it.

I hope this blog helps someone, someday, break the bondage of doubt... of doubting that you are righteous.. of doubting that you are good, kind, smart, funny, spiritual and beautiful.  You are all that and so much more.  Believe.... just believe....



 

Unclogging my drain...

 "Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 niv

 "Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.” Matthew 19:26 msg

Tho this may sound frustrating and defeating, it is actually a wonderful tid bit of encouragement.... a promise from God.    

You see, to me, this is saying that He knows I cannot do this on my own.  It is not my job to grunt, strain, groan and mentally whip myself to pieces.  I feel it is my responsibility, my JOY, to just relax into Him, trusting that He will do it in His time.  This is all on your real God journey.... the journey to trusting Him.

*Dr. Dan has shared with Freeing Me class his belief that our experiences in life have built up a huge layer of gunk (I think that's a technical term... haha) between our mind and our spirit.  Our mind's primary job is to protect us.  It tends to over ride everything until God can "unclog our drain."  

God knows that we have that gunk build up, and His Holy Spirit is the plumber.  HE is the expert, not us so we can relax with a cup of coffee, just following Him the best that we can, and one of these days, the experiences that He allows us to have, the good AND bad, will be used to slowly unclog that drain.  I had one of those experiences today...

Yesterday I got confronted by my boss.  I was technically not guilty of what he had claimed I had done, so everything else conveniently faded to the back of my mind.  He came to me and said "Tell me you did not post on FaceBook at 11:30 this morning. (while I'm at work)  My wife said you posted a picture or something on there at that time."  I genuinely was perplexed and quickly checked my FaceBook page and reported to him that the only post I had made was more like 12:30, which was my lunch hour.

That evening I went home after work and checked my FB activity.  Lo and behold, I found in my list that I had "liked" one of her comments.  When you do that, it sends an email to that person with the time that you "liked" it.... 10:50 a.m.  Oh... my..... goodness....  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt guilt. I felt fear.  You name it, I felt it.  And what I also felt was that I only felt this way because I'd been caught.  It wasn't repentance I was feeling (which is a conviction from God that prompts you to not want to do this again because you know it is not walking in integrity.)  I was feeling upset because I got caught..... not the same thing.

In developing a closer relationship with God, I've begun to recognize these things in me and just be honest.  I told Him this morning "My heart is not right in this.  Please make it right.  I don't like feeling like this.  I don't like BEING like this!"   

As I talked to Him, things began to unfold in me.  I started thinking about how Dr. Dan prompted us more than 6 months ago, and again in a recent class, to strive for excellence in all that we do... especially in our jobs.  This is where we will lay a foundation for enabling others to develop respect for us.  Well, as usual, I didn't "get it".  I would try a little here and there but quickly fell back into the same pattern of doing well, but not striving for excellence.  

Now, when Dr. Dan said excellence, he stressed that he did not mean perfection.  He said that we were to do the best that we can; that is our own personal excellence.  I have not been doing that by a long shot.  As I'm typing this, I am realizing that, for me, I could substitute the word "integrity", for excellence.  

I'm gonna give a little side note here: There is this one thing about me that I should share.  I tend to resist certain words that make me feel pressured, so I substitute a word that means the same thing to me, but feels like an encouragement instead of a noose around my neck.  

For me, finding the right word or phrase is what helps set me up for failure or success.  In this case, the word excellence gives me a picture of... hmmm... biblical law? Do it perfect or be punished?  On the other hand, the word integrity gives me a picture of grace; of "just do the best that you can, honey.  I believe in you.  I know you have it in you."  Ok... so I get carried away, but I DO love words!   You are unique so you choose what works for you.

This morning, underneath all the grumblings of guilt and fear of saving my own hiney, I felt a stirring of... belief.  It also helped that I had just been reading "The Power of a Woman's Words" by Sharon Jaynes and she was talking about how we cannot control our tongues in our flesh, but the Holy Spirit can do it in us.  I felt this light start to slowly dawn in me.  

I cannot be excellent/have integrity by my own power and might, but if I could just BELIEVE that the Holy Spirit is doing it thru me, then maybe, just maybe, there is hope for me.  I haven't even been able to stir up the enthusiasm for being excellent, but if I could just believe that it is already in me, thru the Holy Spirit, then it CAN happen! Then (imagine me looking down like a chastised little girl, my hands behind my back, drawing pictures in the dust with my toe so I don't have to look in the disciplinarians face) I said "God, could you give me another chance at work...?"

My mind drifted to how I cannot seem to stick with a diet.  Well, if the Holy Spirit could somehow enable me to BELIEVE that He can do it in me, then SURELY it will be done!  Uh... that's a subject for another time tho... heehee.  

My thoughts then turned to how others might see me in an even better light if I could corral my words, my attitude, AND become excellent in all that I undertake: especially at being a wife and mother.  Suddenly the truth hit me... for the first time EVER!  It is not about pleasing others..., a committe, a friend, a child, about keeping my job, or about looking good.  It is about pleasing God!  (When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. Proverbs 16:7)  

Yes, I know the verse "work as unto the Lord." Colossians 3:23.  Or as the Message version puts it  "Servants, do what you’re told by your earthly masters. And don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work."  But, like with everything else in my life, I just didn't GET it.  My focus has always been, even when I don't realize it, on pleasing others.

Suddenly I don't feel the fear of losing my job.  I am enthused with suddenly having another chunk of "gunk" clear out of my drain!  I then stopped and said "God, you know I have these sudden bursts of enthusiasm ALOT, especially for diets, then it quickly dies away and I am back to where or I started or even worse.  What then came to me was the opening line of this post.  To believe or not believe, that is the question.

Girls, the Holy Spirit has just been opening my eyes so much lately to the basic foundation of this God journey.  As you are hearing me say more and more, it is not about ANYTHING that I can do.  It is not about ANYTHING I can manufacture up.  It's all about what HE can do in us... it's about trust.  Trusting, having faith....

He has unclogged a huge portion of that junk that prevented me from understanding this simplistic foundation.  We must come as little children... we must believe as little children do.  That NOTHING is impossible.  We must believe as we did before life convinced us that everything was so complicated.  That WE had to be the one to do something or it wouldn't get done.  “Let these children alone. Don’t get between them and me. These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.”Luke 18:16-17

We have turned something so simple, faith, into this horribly hard thing we have to strive to attain.  It is NOT us that will do it in us.  It is God.  Believe.... simply believe.....


*I take classes from a man I call Dr. Dan, and you will run across his name in my posts occasionally.  He is a counselor, but not just any counselor.  I believe that he has a very strong calling from God in his life to tap into the Holy Spirit, and not lean on his own understanding, to help people heal.  He also seems to have a tender spot for encouraging broken, wounded women back onto their feet on focusing on what created them to be... who they really are.... something that almost all women have forgotten.  

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest (wo)men.... Willie Wonka

Oh WoW! Oh WoW!  Ever have one of those days where you feel like your mind is running a mile a minute!  I'm having one today.  What is it that Willie Wonka said?.. "So much time and so little to do.  Scratch that; reverse it."  (LOVE that movie!)

As I'm thinking these thoughts, it is like a mini hurricane is going on in my head.  Over the last few days, idea after idea of blog posts are pinging around in my brain. I have already started a few and will post  after this.

Also, opportunity after opportunity seems to be appearing on the horizon.  It is suddenly like God opened the flood gates and bounty galore is pouring down!  Have you read the verse Malachi 3:10"......prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."  That is what it feels like lately; like there is not room enough to receive it and I am just BURSTING with possibilities, understanding and blessings!  

Is it because I am such a wise, obedient, correct Church lady?  I would have to say no... well, if I'm honest, I would have to shout NO!!!.  It's because of nothing I have done other than to seek His love, to seek out who He is.  

Oh yes, I originally started out by trying to follow all of the rules that we are taught by religion.  "Don't do this but DO do that.."  sigh.... I can't tell you how lost, confused and down right terror ridden that I became.  It went so far as to cause emotional and mental confusion to such an extent that it forced a hospital stay and several years of recovery.  I am still recovering in some ways.

During my healing process,  I finally started to shrug off doing things just because I SHOULD and started being honest with God by saying, "My heart doesn't feel this is wrong" or "My heart does not want to do this tho you said I should".  I then felt a load come off my shoulders.  AND, surprise, surprise.... my world did not fall apart; it actually began coming together for the first time in my life.   

Curses, plaques and locusts did not rain down on me.  Instead, I realized that I could trust God with my truth....  truth that I hid even from myself.  I could be honest with Him about everything and His shoulders were broad enough to take it.  His love and His grace was deep enough to absorb it ALL and in return, He would tenderly polish the teensy little seed of truth I had in there; that He had planted in there from the beginning of time.  He would polish it, nourish it, cuddle it, and coax it to blossom into HIS truth.

His love replaced the distrust and darkness that was in me.  He traded "beauty for ashes" Isaiah 61:3.  HE did it, not me.  I have quit trying to fix myself and gently confide in Him "it's not going to change if You don't change it.  I can't keep feeling guilty and like a failure because I do this thing that is not your best for my life." 

I quit focusing on what I can't do, and start focusing on what I can do... on where I want to go in life.  Dr. Dan says that this is the .... error in thinking.... that the church has.  It points out how you are failing instead of pointing you to finding out WHO Christ created you to be.  You are unique; you are not a "stepford wife Christian."  You are one of a kind.  

As I said, I now try to be forward focused.  My past does not define me.  My mistakes do not define me. My lack does not define me.  Christ defines me.  My job is to discover who I am.  What values are truly mine, given by God to create me in my uniqueness, and what values are man made, or are made from my experiences.  We'll talk more about this later.  

Anyway, after time passes, in most cases, I look back and see WOW! the amazing work He has done on me.  The process will take a life time but HE does the work.  My part is just asking Him to bring me to the point of being willing to change, or being willing to let go of everything, even the things I really REALLY want... like a husband.  He doesn't want me to hand those things over because He wants to deprive me.  He is saying "Let me have those fake pearls so that I can give you these real ones I have for you.  Trust me...."

My part is also to ask Him to help me to understand where He is leading me, and to try to follow Him the best I can.  I am only responsible for responding to what I sense He is telling me.  HE is responsible for any outcomes, not me.  Often, it won't make sense by my worldly standards.

 Remember the verse "My way's are higher than your ways" or as The Message version puts it "“I don’t think the way you think.  The way you work isn’t the way I work.”God’s Decree.“For as the sky soars high above earth so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think".  

This process of following Him, not knowing where I am going an not even WHY I am going,  is building a trust in me. Eventually I start seeing things thru my spiritual eyes.  That is when things normally start to make sense.  Often I start to see the work He is doing in me, as well as in others whose paths I intersect with. This whole process is trial and error.  You start to recognize His leading normally only by allowing yourself to make mistakes, to fail.

As I've said, this is ALL part of His working to gain my trust.  I can't just manufacture trust in Him.  He knows the wounds I've suffered in life that have caused a natural mistrust in me. He knows the world I've been raised in and how it's thinking SO does not line up with HIS thinking.  But until I can let go of what I THINK is true, and allow Him to lead me on some really out there adventures, then I can't really know WHO He is.... or who He made me to be.  This is building the foundation  of His relationship with me... the building of trust. 

Yes, I am learning to be forward focused.  I look at the person I know He created me to be... His word says it.... Galations 5:22-23²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control."     The Message version says "He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

 I am learning to TRUST Him that those fruits, those qualities, are in me, despite what my worldly eyes sees coming out of me.  I tell Him "My heart is not exactly right in this situation but I have to focus on what I believe you are telling me to do, and trust YOU to make my heart right.  I can't let those little bad thoughts and emotions distract me.  YOU take care of it, God..." 

 Remember, fruit trees don't spring into full fledged orchards over night.  It is a process... a long process.....  Your fruit will take your whole life time to come to maturation.  And you don't see the fruit trees grunting and straining to produce the fruit, and whipping themselves when they can't make it happen.  I like to think it is because their focus is so much on watching God and seeing what He is doing, that they don't even notice that they themselves are growing just by learning who He is.  (I know, fruit trees can't think but bear with me here.  I'm making a point!)


No, the growth and blessings that are happening in my life right now are not of my effort.  Oh yes, for my part, I seek Him out often.  I go to the lake most mornings, even if I have to leave my car running with the heat or air on, and I spend time journalling, talking to Him, singing praise songs.  But you know what.... 

As I'm writing what is coming to me is that I am the one who reaps the benefits from this time.  Yes, He ADORES spending time with me.  What is a relationship if only one party is chasing the other around?  My most precious friendships are the ones that I take time to contact regularly by phone, text, email, facebook and mainly, in person.  The benefits are, when I spend time with God, I come away feeling renewed, refreshed and excited for what He has in store today. 

It is then that I sometimes will have a "revelation" into yet another aspect of His personality or what He adventure He would like me to join Him on.  Often tho, He will continue to "talk" to me long after I have turned my attention to my busy day.  I will hear a random comment from someone, or a random thought will float thru my head, that will make me think "AH HA!  Is that YOU God??"  And it will be something that I will go to Him and discuss/pray over.

I happen to think that so many wonderful things are happening right now because FINALLY trust, faith, believing, is being strengthened in me.  These things, the heart knowledge, the blessings, were all waiting for me all along I just couldn't believe that I "deserved them."  Uh... God is not keeping score.  But how can we even know to reach for the blessings He is handing us if we can't even believe... trust... have faith in... He wants to give them to us.  

What would life be like... what would you do.... if you did not put any limits on God, on what He can do? What if you could trust in things that appeared to be pure nonsense?... Believe, simply believe....

Well, I started this post with a few quotes from the amazing Willie Wonka, and I have another that is a fitting way to end it:
 

Willy Wonka: [singing] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be. 

If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.....

I Am Who I Am

“That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure- that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place”
― Stasi Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

   I have become aware of a secret shame...  There is a desire that I knew made me feel uneasy and inadequate, but I didn't quite have a grasp on the fact that that uneasy feeling was shame. 

I am feeling that shame  because of this desire that I have; a desire that so many Christians tell me is not necessary in my life.... They almost act like I'm pathetic for having it, which makes me feel.... "less than". 

My desire is to have a special man in my life.  I'd say I want a husband, but the truth is, I can't yet see making that leap to being a wife, I just feel that it would be the ultimate destination.  I see first getting to know someone as my best friend, and see where things head. 

And yes, I do want the intimacy that God created for marriage, but more than anything, I want to share this adventure... this life.... this journey that God has me on, with someone that can get real, get deep and get intimate with me on a level that no one but a husband can.

As I read the words that Staci Eldredge wrote, many thoughts come to me.  The first one being "Hurray!  I am NOT some weak, pathethic, man seeking, old crone!  It is NORMAL to have this desire!  This desire to share this great life adventure with a man....  Another thought is "YES! I want to feel ESSENTIAL to the man in my life, and NOT just as his appendage, his tagalong, his maid."

I know that may sound strange, but I have been praying for a few years now that God would bring me a man who is "Jesus with skin on."  That prayer has gradually turned into asking Him to mold ME into "Jesus with skin on."  What does that mean?  Glad you asked.... 

I have felt SUCH a longing to be able to spend my life with Jesus; sharing this exciting adventure with Jesus.  However, I ALSO want a man who is here... in flesh and blood....  Yes, I know that Jesus is all those things, but I still long for it to be in the form of a flesh and blood man here on earth.  So I started to ask Him to send me a man who was just like Jesus, only with "skin on".  Make sense?  Kinda goofy I know, but I'm being authentic here...  Don't judge me... : D

I started slowly realizing that I want to give to that potential mate what I want to get from him, so I started praying that I would be molded into "Jesus with skin on."  In case you get the wrong picture here I need to let you know that I don't want to change just for a man, though.

 I want to make everyone I come into contact with, especially my children, family and friends, to feel so unconditionally loved and accepted that they would catch a glimpse of who Christ truly is.  And, if I'm being honest with myself, I want to feel completely at peace with myself.. ok with myself... and, for me, that only comes from coming to know who I was created to be;  not who society, my friends, books or even the church says I should be.

I was not made to be the cookie cutter image of a trillion other women.  I am "....fearfully and wonderfully made... psalm 139:14.  I am unique... one of a kind.  God created me, my personality, my life situations, my family, etc.  He had a reason for ALL of this.  EVERYTHING - the good and the bad- that has happened to me has helped to mold me into the person He created me to be. 

Who is that woman?  I'm on the journey to finding out.  Some things I'm finally admitting to, without feeling like a failure, is: I  don't have a love of cooking, I am a dreamer, I am not the best house keeper even tho I love order.  I get cranky.  I use humor too much.  (Is such a thing possible, haha!)  I LOVE developing friendships, yet I prefer gatherings on a small scale. I love knowledge and trying to figure out what makes someone tick.  I am shy around some people and not around others.  I hate confrontation yet I hate being run over.  I like to have friends who we can bounce ideas/beliefs off of each other, yet can respect each others differences.  You get the picture.

When I try to be someone I am not, then I am not at peace, not content.  That is the story of my life.  I always tried to be who I thought I should be, who others wanted me to be.  I was NEVER at peace.  Finally, at 47 years of age, I am finally grasping this concept. 

Yes, I know that with age comes wisdom, but my hope is that some day, all women will grow up grasping this concept from childhood.  Sounds impossible, but then again, nothing is impossible with God.  Through this learning process, I also have to learn to extend the same respect to others: discover how to let them be who they are, and THAT is often not easy.

This is not the avenue that I was going to take on today's blog entry when I started with Staci's quote, but then again, that is who I am: random, rambling, daydreaming, flitting, thought chaser..... I am who I am.  Isn't that great! : D