Don't Be A Dictator....

One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.... Henry Miller

Dictate:  a guiding or governing principle, requirement, etc.:

For the first time in  a while I have something to blog about. I now realize that I have been in a time of busyness, stress, AND a place of deep resentment.

A family member became ill, in large part we believe, due to her poor lifestyle choices.  It has been left to me to make the medical decisions, run and fetch for her while she has been gone, and to try to juggle the holiday season.

I'm not trying to beat her or myself up here.  It's just that I let life invade and distract me from alone time with God.  I became spiritually dehydrated.  I let things build up inside and a few nights ago I finally admitted to myself the resentment I have begun to feel for the position I am in, and for the person I want to blame.

I immediately internally turned to God and spoke to my... His.... spirit in me.   I poured out how I felt.  I hesitantly told Him that I felt it was was wrong to feel this way, and that I was afraid of His punishment.

Hmmm.... That surprised me. I realized that I hadn't even been able to admit these strong feelings to myself, let alone to God, because I was afraid of All Mighty punishment.

In talking with Him, I used the word "hate".  I allowed myself to express exactly what I was feeling at that moment.   Guess what?  Since then, instead of feeling horrible and like I need to give myself 1,000 lashes with a raw hide whip, I have felt like a weight is lifted.  I seem to have more patience and understanding .

I told God that, at this moment, I couldn't love like I needed to so He would have to do it through me.  I have relaxed and am trusting Him to do it in me.

I realized today that God seems to be orchestrating so many situations that eventually lead me to "take Him out of the box."  In other words, I have a tendency to be a "dictator."  Strict beliefs learned in my past lead me to dictate "this is just how it's done." In other words, I form  rigid rules or principles. This does not allow room for change and  growth.

I tend to look at where I'm at in life and put  restraints on it.  Often I find myself drift toward a treadmill of performance.... If I follow this rule than I'll get that result.  I may feel fear when I don't "follow the rules" well enough.

For example,  there are verses like "Look not only to your own interests but to the interests of others." Phil. 2:4. I have a tendency to dictate this can only be interpreted one way.  That I am to allow myself be brought to the point of exhaustion by trying to fulfill this biblical commandment. 

I then cross over into extreme resentment and anger.  This leads to my feeling fear that God may punish me for not being content to be at someone's selfish beck and call, and for falling into anger.


My biggest downfall is that I may sometimes grab onto what I think is the leading of God and lock it into place in my "spiritual radar."  I may I still find myself ignoring the clanging warning signs from others, but especially from my inner self.... my spirit....   I still may find myself unconsciously resisting what I believe is the gentle tug of God trying to pull me back on course. 

 But even then, He normally  manages to get my attention and guide me back on track.  It just takes a little longer than it probably needed to, but fear not!  None of that time is wasted.  

As a matter of fact, I think I may have learned a lot more in finding my way back then I would have if I had never gotten off course in the first place.  Not that I would choose to take the longer route unless absolutely necessary.... uh huh.... no....  thank....  you!


Sometimes I find myself spiritually squinting at scriptures to get them to give me permission to do what I want to do.  However, when I am truly seeking God, often scriptures will spring to life... they will grab my attention and a leap in my spirit(?).. an.... awareness(?)..... flows in that  seems to be God speaking to me.  

The only way I learn to be more confident in telling the difference between me speaking to me, and God speaking to me, is by stepping out and taking the risk to follow what seems to be God.  

Remember, this is YOUR journey and no one else's.  Embrace it.... taste it.... and live it to the fullest....

I want to remind you that you are unique.... your relationship with God and others is unique.... your life experiences are unique, therefore your journey is unique. 

I and others can share our experiences with you to give you inspiration, hope and company on your journey but please do NOT make the mistake of thinking that you can copy anyone's travels.  You would then be just a carbon copy instead of an original.  

You would be putting your authenticity in a box instead of letting it's colors run and blend wildly into the one of a kind tapestry it was created to be.  Never try to duplicate, or compare yourself to, someone else.  You will always feel that you are never measuring up.  That's because someone else is not who you were created to be.  

You are an original!  Now step out of that confining choking closet of conformity that you have allowed close-mindedness to trap you in, and expand your thinking... your heart.... your spirit..... your soul.... to the reality that ANYTHING is possible.....  Hugs! Sheila

I am Finding Freedom on a Narrow Road....

Matthew 7:13-14  “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.  NIV

Who knew?!  Definitely not me!  I would never imagine that freedom can be found walking on a narrow road.

I used to read this verse from Matthew and feel uneasiness, fear and some anger.  Time and time again I prayed for God to take my free will because it was too scary to think of finding that narrow path on my own.  

I didn't realize at the time that my experiences, even those where I totally crash and burn and almost lose my life are what is needed to help me to recognize the breath taking beauty of that winding little path.  Before, I saw it as constrictive, confining and was miserable when trying to keep within it's ugly little borders.  I envisioned scratchy and heart rending brambles on either side of it, just waiting and hungry to rip you to shreds.

As I look at this picture what comes to mind is a vision of "This is what it means to follow Jesus...."  For some time I have quit trying to figure out what is the "right" choice in situations.  Instead I have begun to ask God "how do I follow you in this situation."  It brings so much freedom because you are no longer leaning on your own understanding to figure out right and wrong.  In many, MANY scenarios there are no right and wrong answers.  

1 Corinthians 10:23-24 says I have the right to do anything but not all things are beneficial.  I like the way the Message bible says it  "Looking at it one way, you could say, “Anything goes. Because of God’s immense generosity and grace, we don’t have to dissect and scrutinize every action to see if it will pass muster.” But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well.

Before I began to understand God's grace, His love, my walk with Him was stifling, choking, empty, resentful and full of religious sacrifice.  Verses like the one above would throw me into a snit saying "The bible is full of do this and don't do that, and now it throws me for a loop saying that all things are permissible.  What's up with that???!"   This morning some examples came to mind that gave me a whole new understanding of the narrow path and how it works with the "all things are not beneficial" verse.

Look at that picture above again.  As you can see, if you began to stray from the path it looks spectacular.... peaceful.... inviting.....  However, I believe the farther you get from that narrow path, the scenery begins to change... the beauty begins to fade and become tangled.  You and others may experience hurtful circumstances.   

I have realized that this narrow path applies to all things in life.  If you wander off of it with money, with food, with work, with .... well.... you fill in the blanks, you will soon begin to lose your way.  You and others will suffer the natural results of not keeping within healthy guidelines in your life.  Yes, it appears alluring to wander from the path but it DOES bring harm in some form.

This verse is not some legalistic order hatefully handed down by a God who is trying to control us and ruin our fun.  It is a gentle urging whispered into our ear while we are cradled in the arms of a loving father who longs for us to live in the freedom and abundance He offers.

  My point here is that  in all the things the bible has to teach us... if we don't see it through the eyes of God's love and grace....we will wander around off of that narrow path and receive some scratches and bruises. This happens... I believe it is even necessary....  We learn from it.  

When you can get a revelation of His love for you, you KNOW that narrow path is a place of safety, security yet freedom.  Freedom to live from guilt and shame because you know in your heart that you DO want to do the "right" things.

Freedom in that knowledge because you know when you wander from the path, it was not because you are bad but because you just allowed yourself to be distracted by something that looked appealing.  You apologize and go on, asking God to guide your steps back to solid ground.  

Our consequences are not punishment from God, they are simply a result of our poor choices.  We walked the wide road of destruction and as a result, WE became wide! Hahahaha!  Sorry.... I'm a jokester so bear with me.  

Again, just know that you are the apple of God's eye.  He isn't angry with you and He isn't punishing you.  As Luke 13:34 says "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, killer of prophets, abuser of the messengers of God!  How often I’ve longed to gather your children, gather your children like a hen, Her brood safe under her wings but you refused and turned away!" The Message  He WANTS to keep you safe but it is your choice to allow Him to or not.

In case you have not heard this, there are stories about how a mother hen will gather her babies under her when the chicken coop is on fire.  She will continue to shelter them allowing herself to be be burned to death just to keep them safe.  Here is an excerpt from one of those stories "But it was when Grandpa scraped his heavy shoe to move the carcass of a dead hen that a picture of God’s sweet provision broke through.  Nestled under the wings of that charred hen were six little yellow chicks.  Scared, but alive. Their mother had not survived the fire, but they were hidden under her downy wings and did not suffocate or burn."

What an amazing parable of God's love....

So what do you say?  Are you tired of being road kill?  Then ask Him to guide you to His narrow path.  Ask Him to enable you to find the joy, peace and freedom that comes when you walk that road, even when there may be trials and tribulations to journey through.

 I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.  Romans 8:31-32

And the Walls Came Tumbling Down....

 And so your tradition empties the commandment of God of all its meaning. You hypocrites! Isaiah describes you beautifully when he said: ‘These people draw near to me with their mouth, and honour me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. And in vain they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men’.”  Matthew 14:6-9

This verse sounds harsh, doesn't it?  "But your heart is far from me" came to my mind this morning as I lie there meditating on things.  I had been thinking of how I, and may others,  are doing "works" for God instead of acts of kindness flowing from a heart of faith.  

In this verse,  Jesus was speaking to the scribes and pharisees.  These were people who taught but did not follow their own teachings.  They  flaunted their "good works" before others in order to make themselves look superior.  Some of us may do that, but I feel it is often unintentional.... somehow a legalistic noose has gotten itself around our spiritual necks and convinced us we will perish if we do not "work" hard for God.  However, when we count on our works to make us worthy, then we are no longer walking in faith.

Works and Faith go hand in hand.  If you just have works, then you may do things out of obligation. Maybe what is spurring that obligation is fear... fear if you don't work hard enough for God, you will be punished.  Maybe what is spurring someone on is that their trying to earn brownie points with God.  Maybe what is spurring it IS self righteousnesness - Hmmmph... See how much more holy I am than you because I do all of this?"  

If you just have faith but don't put feet to it, then maybe you don't have love.  In other words, you don't yet have a firm grasp on the heigth, the depth, the awe inspiring wonder of God's boundless love and grace.  

When you know you are loved.... when you are in those first stages of romance.... don't you just gush and ooh and awe and trip over yourself in reciprocating that love.  The whole world and everyone else in it become a lot sweeter.  You WANT to do good.  

I feel that is what happens once you have spent time devoting yourself to coming to know God on an intimate level.  An intimate knowledge of His love for you can't help but bubble up and out of you into a desire to shower that same love on others.  I believe that until you have that foundation.... that foundation of a relationship with God built on His love.... then maybe all you are doing is works.   I don't know.  This is just me ruminating.

I had to stop doing things because I "should" and just devote myself to asking God to open my eyes to His love.... to His heart toward me.  True love is something that you can't fake but we do fake it when we set ourselves to "working for God", instead of tripping over ourselves in an eagerness to spill out His love onto others. 

Doesn't your heart just warm up when someone you don't know gives you a genuine heartfelt smile and not the perfunctionary "works" of a smile.  It makes you feel like they saw something in you, a stranger, that sparked something in them.  Maybe it's that warming of the heart that allows a little bit of hope and faith quietly slide in.


I believe that understanding what true, Godly love is does not just fall easily into our laps.  In my God journey I reached a crossroads.  I was so frustrated.   The burdens of religion had become so heavy to carry that I began to sense I was missing something. That sensing turned into a full blown cry to God.  "I feel like I'm missing something!"   I had a crisis of faith where I started questioning all that I knew.  That crisis has led me to pursuing more of life, love, Jesus, and has given me a taste of God's love that leaves me insatiable for more. 

 Matthew 13:44 “God’s kingdom is like a treasure hidden in a field for years and then accidentally found by a trespasser. The finder is ecstatic—what a find!—and proceeds to sell everything he owns to raise money and buy that field."  To fit my point, here are my words as an interpretation of this verse- "Once you begin to get even a tiny taste, a tiny sliver of revelation about God's love, you will do whatever you can to get a revelation of the whole package." 

Once we begin to get a revelation of God's love then the walls of legalism in our lives come tumbling down. We begin to move, breathe and find our being in love.... GOD's love..... real, true love.... holy love.....  

When the walls start to fall, be aware that it is normal to be confused, skeptical, fearful, doubting, distrusting, etc.  After all, the world you believed in is collapsing.  Yet at the same time, you will most like feel a niggle of delight, awe, wonder and hope down deep.  Can this really be true....?! 

I love the thought,  "True love is... tripping over ourselves in an eagerness to spill out His love onto others." And I want to add "especially when we know that they cannot or will not give anything in return."  

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out.  If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him."

I'm Open!!

I"M OPEN!  Yay!!  The image that came to me today as I had this thought was of a woman in dress clothes excitedly jumping up and down on a basketball court joyfully screaming "I'M OPEN!"  However, when I ran across this image of two little girls lost in delight, THIS conveyed my feelings so much better!

There is this concept called "Letting go".  For me, to find freedom in this walk with God I have had to come to the point of letting go in so many areas.  I'm sure I will continue be faced, through out my life, with situations where I have to "let go."

As I look back, I see that letting go is becoming easier and easier.  I have a tendency to "hold onto" things sooooo tightly that when I am faced with the possibility that they might be taken from me, I clutch onto them even more tightly.  This causes stress, confusion, heartache, tears, anger.... You name it.  I run the gamut of emotions.

What does letting go look like to me?  I'll use my job as an example.  I have worked there for almost 19 years.  I am a single mom who needs to provide for her household.  This is a small office and I am very comfortable there.  A new rule was instated in our office not long ago regarding a certain mistake.  Whoever made this mistake would 1) Get sent home for the day with no pay the first time 2)  Be immediately fired the second time it happened.  Wouldn't you know, I did mess up.  I was sent home with no pay.

Th3 first time it happened I was swamped with feelings of humiliation that I made a mistake, anger that I had been a long time employee and they were subjecting me to this silly rule, and fear that I would lose my job, not be able to take care of my family, and not be able to find another one that I liked or paid as well.

Because of all of this I began to clutch my job that much tighter, and attempted to be absolutely perfect in my performance.  BUT no matter how hard I tried, I made the mistake again.... and again.... and again.....  You know what I learned from this?  A lesson on God's grace.  My boss kept giving me another chance.  You know what else I learned?  I learned to "let go".

 I reached a point of surrender.  A point where it did not even bother me to think I could lose my job.  As a matter of fact, I even felt an excitement that this would just open the door for me to find something better.  I began to relax in my job and not worry about how I was being treated or what the others thought of me, and life is sooooo much better now.  I feel freedom from fear of losing my job.

This has happened in several areas of my life now.  I lost my home and I fought the fear of that.  Eventually I surrendered and moved in with my mother.  Just recently she signed her home over to me as she plans to move into something smaller and more age friendly.  I now have a home that is payment free.  No house payment, no rent just setting aside monthly for insurance and taxes.  Is that not a God thing!!!  It's not fancy, but I see soooo much potential here and I look forward to making it a home.

Now to the bigee.... Letting go of the dream of a romantic relationship.... Now that's tough...  Today I had a taste of what letting go of that might taste like.  At this moment I feel whatever God chooses to do, I'm FINALLY open and wanting to trust Him.  Am I perfect at the trusting part? No, but isn't that where God comes in?

Roman's 4:1-3 ..." If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we’re given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story. What we read in Scripture is, “Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own.” 

Will I trust Him tomorrow in all things.... in the romance department?  Who knows... It's a day by day journey.  There is "just enough light for the step I'm on."  We are only given enough faith for one day at a time.

No, trusting is not easy.  It seems that we learn to trust by the messy, complicated situations that we get into or that life brings to us.   However, once we have passed through the trials, the lessons we have learned opens up a whole new view on life.

John 16:20-21 comes to mind as I picture this "...Yes, you will be deeply distressed, but your pain will turn into joy. When a woman gives birth to a child, she certainly knows pain when her time comes. Yet as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers her agony for joy that a man has been born into the world. Now you are going through pain, but I shall see you again and your hearts will thrill with joy—the joy that no one can take away from you..."

In finally... or should I say "again".... reaching the point of letting go in this area, it feels like a huge pain is lifted. At least for today....   It no longer weighs you down and burdens you.  At least for today.... It is FREEDOM!  At least for today.....  

Maybe God allowing our anguish to linger to the point where we let go.... to the point where human wants are expelled from our spirit..... is to give us freedom.  It's not to beat us down like we were just slave hands in a field.  I don't know but I DO know it is an AMAZING feeling!  The sky is the limit! NOW God can move it and make things happen because we have moved out of the way.  We are no longer making our own plans.


The biggest sense of freedom I am getting tho is when I recognize that I may have been trying to do a little micromanaging, it doesn't mean that all is lost.  I simply immediately quit trying to make something happen, back off, say "So sorry God.  May your grace cover my mistake...", and I go on.  

I found myself coming to recognize a bit of it this week and started to cower in fear of punishment.  Punishment that He would just give up and walk away.  That's not what happened.  My trust came in and replaced the fear.  My trust that He knew my heart.    He knew that I didn't deliberately try to make my own plans.  I just slipped up a bit.  I trust Him to take that into account and, like a GPS, continue to "recalculate" when I take a wrong turn.

As I've said so often.  I had to believe.... just believe......

My Garden of Gethsemane...                            Nov. 25, 2013

"Then Jesus came with the disciples to a place called Gethsemane and said to them, “Sit down here while I go over there and pray.” Then he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee and began to be in terrible distress and misery. “My heart is nearly breaking,” he told them, “stay here and keep watch with me.” Then he walked on a little way and fell on his face and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from me—yet it must not be what I want, but what you want.”  Matthew 26:36-39

I have been taking a class from Dr. Dan that focuses on enabling us to recognize our purpose.  In the church you often hear talk about your purpose and your calling.  I thought those two were the same thing.  

However I have learned that our purpose is who we are.  Our calling is what we do with our purpose.  For example, God may have created you with the purpose of being an encourager, a voice, an athlete, or a _____...... you fill in the blanks....  Your calling may be that you encourage through a blog, your a voice thru being a motivational speaker, an athlete who plays football, etc.  

About three weeks ago a subject in class was the Garden of Gethsemane and how we each have to go through one to discover who we are.  Dr. Dan believes that we go through that only one time in our life, and when we come through it, we know what our purpose is. He believes once we know our purpose, everything we touch our hand to will prosper.  He also believes that a very few percentage of people ever reach this point.  Most people do not recognize the call on their heart to pursue God in such a way that He can reveal your purpose to you, or that you will live up to that purpose.

I'm wondering.... Do we really go through only ONE Garden of Gethsemane?  It feels like we go through it every time we face a monumental crisis in our life.  Yikes!  How often are we down on our knees saying "Not my will, but Yours?" How often do we come to that point of knowing that we have to lay down what we want and trust that He will bring to pass what needs to happen.  Every time it FEELS like dying.... Every time it feels like we are spiritually sweating blood.  It's during these times that you often experience moments of feeling totally alone, even though you are surrounded by many.

Hearing about discovering your purpose and calling used to put a TON of pressure on me.  I just knew that if I couldn't discover it, I was going to be living in a shanty in the slums on the outskirts of heaven because I had not pleased God by letting him use me like a lowly slave.  I feared that I would be useless to Him because I could never guess my purpose. Now, even though I haven't yet learned my purpose, I have had a taste of what it is to experience being His beloved daughter instead of just a worthless piece of junk to be used.

I think it is for that very reason, the fact that my trust in Him is growing, that it is only now that I am in a place where I can discover what my purpose is here on earth.  And He has a purpose for me, not as a slave but as His friend.  I am a flower that He has sent to bloom in this world, and if I allow Him to fertilize my growth, the aroma that my life gives off will be an intoxicating aroma that can help change the lives of others.

Dan explained that in going through the Garden of Gethsemane, we will separate from the crowd and take a few of our closest friends with us along this journey.  These are people that need to know what is going on in my world.  That said, as Jesus's three disciples failed Him by falling asleep in the Garden, our friends will fail us... but they need to be with us on our journey.  

There will come a point on this journey where we will have to separate from them in a way, and be alone with God.  This will be a place where my soul (who I am, my wishes) has to die... it has to come into alignment with my spirit.  This is not easy.  As Dan says "my spirit will grieve because it knows my soul has to die."  We may ask that this cup pass from us because what God is pulling us toward seems too big.... the cost may seem too great.  

There will be a moment of decision where we decide to either to follow through with Him toward our purpose, or to turn back to live a safer life.  If you DO say "your will be done", it will bring a quiet to your spirit. It's a moment of surrender and it feels so peaceful.  You do need to know that this is NOT about what you are doing.... it's about your being willing to totally trust God with the outcome.  You stay close  to Him.... you focus on learning to sense His leading and you just follow step by step. If you know He is leading you to do something, the outcome is in HIS hands.  It's not up to you to MAKE it happen.

At this moment, and I know it may change as I allow God to unfold things, I'm feel that something about my purpose will be in dealing with relationships....  It's in discovering what a relationship with God is..... what a relationship with myself is.... and what a relationship with others is.  As I learn these things, God may be able to bring me alongside others in this hurting world to encourage them in relationship, whether it is a relationship with God, self, and/or others.  I firmly believe that  a healthy relationship with God and self first is vital to being able to have healthy relationships with others.


I do have some close women friends with me in this journey.   You could say these friends have all failed me at times, just as I have failed them.  We're human.  They all, in different ways, do not believe in what I feel I am being led to do at times.  And, at times, I feel a pressure to go along with their advice.... like they don't trust me to try, and, if it comes to it, to fail. To learn from the failure.  

I can't blame them.... I sometimes sound crazy even to myself.  I know they want to protect me and I'm so thankful for their love.  I just sometimes feel forbidden to "grow up"... to take risks.  Is this the spiritual teenager in me?  Someone who is not quite yet mature, yet no longer a child?  Someone who is on another leg of the journey in finding out what is true.... what is real... so feels that need to pull away a bit in order to be allowed go grow?  sigh.... I thought I was done with my teenage years a long.... LONG time ago.

I spent several years separated, not divorced, from my husband believing that God wanted to restore that marriage.  I focused on the outcome and tried to make it happen by following religious teachings that instructed me on what a Godly wife should be.  I tried to force myself into the mold of what I was told I should be in order to achieve the outcome.  

Instead of focusing on a relationship with God and who He created me to be, I focused on forcing myself into being someone that I thought I should be.  I focused on the outcome, not on trusting Him with it.  The result was disaster and I finally walked away in defeat.  

I filed divorce since the pressure from the failure to achieve the desired outcome finally overwhelmed me.  I didn't surrender and allow God to work.... I gave up.  I'm not saying that my marriage would have been healed.  That's not where I'm heading.  I'm saying that I know I did take control often instead of allowing things to unfold.  

This is all coming to me as I type, but with it does not come the old sense of despair and shame.  Instead I feel this is an "aha" moment and I feel peace. 

Our God is sooo good to give us more than one chance to learn.  In other words, we get to "go around the mountain" again.  As I'm writing this what is coming to me is the sense that this is not a bad thing.  I'll use Dr. Dan's analogy.   It is like that athlete who practices and practices until they perfect their game.  Maybe that is what we are doing.  

Instead of considering it a failure to be going around the mountain again, just consider it another level of practice.  Each time you go through a different level you will refine and hone those skills that God needs you to have.  However, I do believe, for me, that I have had to recognize that I can't keep doing the same things each time I go around the mountain or I will never get anywhere.   

For me, a big part of this time around the mountain has involved taking risks and going down the path less traveled.  In other words, instead of playing it safe by "following the rules" that others make, if I sense what I think is God's leading to do something, I step out instead of playing it safe.  This is fine tuning my ability to tell what is His leading.  Let me tell you, this is taking a while!  Sheesh!  The downside is that I have taken some nasty spills.  The upside is that I am getting more comfortable with failing.... I often don't even consider it a failure but a learning lesson. 

Something Dan asked in class this week is what opened a can of worms for me.  He asked "What is our purpose?  The main one is to glorify God."  When he asked "What is another one", what popped into my head was "relationships."  Dan then said "The other purposes depend on who you are as an individual."  

This brought the mini jolt to my spirit because it just clicked that my interest, my fascination with learning about relationships is my passion.  Why?  Probably because I have failed at them so often.  Also because I have watched the hurt that everyone I know has experienced by failing in or being failed by them.

As I write, I recognize that more and more I am learning to try to keep my focus on God and trying to sense His leading instead of trying to figure out where the situation I am in is going to end up.  Again, it is not about the situation, it is not about what I am doing, it is about the fact that I am trusting God (believe...just believe...) with the outcome.  

It hit me lately that I don't even know what the outcome is to be, and I'm becoming more comfortable with not knowing.  This situation will not last forever.  Another one will come where I will use these skills that have been honed in me.... where I will know that it is not about the outcome, it is about following God.  Then another will come, then another....

Am I still often failing at keeping my focus on Him instead of the outcome? Oh yeah!  Just when things seem to run a bit smoother in that department... WHAM!  I trip and fall.  However, I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again!  Am I often failing because I chase after something I think He is leading me to do, only to end up in a mess?  Heck yeah!  Kind of gets down right discouraging at times!
  
Something I just wrote about in a few recent articles come to mind.  My own words are coming back to encourage me.  Those words are "I am the righteousness of Christ."  I have to believe that.  If I don't, then I start feeling condemned and discouraged.  

Am I going down the right path in my choices?  I don't know.  Is my purpose helping others in relationships?  I don't know.Will I ever know what my purpose is?  I don't know... but I think I will.  What will that Garden of Gethsemane look like?  I don't know.  It seems like I've been through it a trillion times.  

How much worse will the real one that shows me my purpose be like?  I feel like I've been going through it with recent decisions that are leaving me lost and alone, afraid to let go but desperately wanting to.  Thinking I've let go only to find I've grabbed on again.  

I have to believe that I am getting closer and the thought is exciting, exhilerating, and terrifying all at once!  Yes indeed.... Life is a beautiful mess!

Well, tata for now!  Until next time.... believe..... just believe.....  You are the righteousness of Christ...

CATFIGHT!

Galatians 5:13 For you, brethren, were [indeed] called to freedom; only [do not let your] freedom be an incentive to your flesh and an opportunity or excuse [for selfishness]... , but through love you should serve one another......Amplified Version

Have you ever been somewhere and two girls start spitting and scratching at each other, pulling hair, rolling around on the ground?  Someone yells "Catfight!!" and everyone rushes to gather around.


This morning my thoughts turned to this deep need I now have in my walk with God to identify and flee from anything that smacks of religious slavery.  He has given me a taste of what it looks like to walk in spiritual freedom in so many areas of my life, and I now CRAVE that freedom!  

Like the girl in the picture above, I literally feel something inside me start to resist slavery by kicking, bucking, scratching, pushing away.... Let me give you another illustration.

Have you ever seen a child sweetly hugging a cat?  The cat normally just lazily hangs from the arms that are gently cradling him.  However, let that child start to squeeze that cat and refuse to let him go.  What happens then?  That cat begins to arch his back, push all four paws forcefully against those arms restraining him, then finally lashes out in all out fear and fury, spitting and clawing anything within his reach!  WHOA! CATFIGHT!  

I will confess that lately I have found that wildly flailing cat come out in me. I have prayed over it the last few days and what hit me this morning was a realization that I am in a growing season.  Have you heard the saying "fight or flight"?  It means that our human tendency, when we get in an uncomfortable or dangerous situation, is usually to put up a fight against it, or to flee from it.  

I have always been someone who flees, except for with the people closest to me, whom I choose to fight.  Except for with my close inner circle, I have always been very passive and hated conflict.  I feel that I do need to find a balance in this area.

I have a close friend who is a phenomenal lady. We are both going through a growing season that seems to be producing a lot of thorns between us for a time.   Lately things between us have gotten so uncomfortable that I have difficulty being open with her.  Loyalty is a very strong trait of mine so this desire to retreat from her in an effort to find safety bothers me.  

My amazing friend is going thru a time of finding out who she is in Christ.  She is going through a time of learning to love herself and to accept herself unconditionally.... as am I.   I have a passionate belief that this growth is necessary in our quest to living lives of freedom. Is it easy? No!  I feel like I'm floundering in a very precious relationship.  However, I know that we both need the freedom to grow, to stretch and to become more confident in who we are.  But, in this process, each of is occasionally feeling "squashed like a bug" by the other.

 In thinking about this life of freedom that Christ offers us, I began to ponder "How is it that I am desperate to walk in freedom, but I am resisting her walk of freedom?  Why is she resisting mine?" What floated through my mind was "We can't let our freedom squash others...."  Whoa.... heavy, dude....  All that the Law says can be summed up in the command to love others as much as you love yourself.  Galatians 5:14   

Me, my friend... nobody... should squash others in their attempt to find freedom.   This is a new thought for me.  I know my friend and I are in tough growing periods right now so don't we need to extend grace to each other and just suck it up??  

Well, this area right here is where MY season of growth is - Boundaries.  Where do I draw boundaries?  Maybe the way to love her, and myself, is to allow each of us breathing room.  Maybe this is just a time to relax and enjoy each others company instead of being each others go to girl with the heavy stuff.   I will begin a time of really praying over this and asking for wisdom and direction.  I have no answers at this time so back to my train of thought.

As usual, when I see a flaw in someone else, I turn to myself and search to see if I find that flaw in me.  If not, then why not?  Am I just ignoring the log in my eye while I point out the splinter in someone else's?  You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:5 NIV)   

What came to me was that I genuinely keep an eye out to how I am affecting others.  I do tread carefully and try not to offend or wound someone.  I normally genuinely feel uncomfortable when I am allowing myself freedom in an area that the bible warns against:  If you are guided by the Spirit, you won’t obey your selfish desires. The Spirit and your desires are enemies of each other. They are always fighting each other and keeping you from doing what you feel you should.Galatians 5:16

 If I don't feel uncomfortable doing something, then I try not to worry about it.  I used to dig, poke and prod around inside my spirit trying to figure out if this or that was ok.  Now I just leave it up to the Holy Spirit inside me to begin to make me uneasy with something I am doing.   

Often it's not the Holy Spirit that tells me something is not healthy, it is me getting myself in a mess where something uncomfortable happens to show me that I am not on the right course.  

 People’s desires make them give in to......shameful deeds. They .... hate others, and are hard to get along with. People become jealous, angry, and selfish. They not only argue and cause trouble, but they are envious....  Galatians 5:19-20

I used to read verses like this and become petrified that I was going to hell, because I was all of those things.  Even after being saved I was all of those things!!!  Sis, I'm here to tell you that being fearful and ashamed of those things allowed them to dig their claws in deeper.  The shame and fear drove me to being even more angry and hard to get along with.  I was like that spitting, biting cat.  God and others seemed to be telling me that I am unacceptable unless I clean those things up, so it placed a feeling of slavery on me, and I absolutely could not keep myself from fighting against it.  CATFIGHT!    

I guess I still feel that way at times.  If I think someone is feeling that I am failing, I feel that need to scratch, bite and hiss try to creep out! No wonder I don't care for cats! Haha

But, after fighting for self change and failing miserable for way too long,  I began to surrender and just tell God "I can't keep trying to fix myself.  I'm moving forward in life and leaving you to focus on cleaning up the mess inside me."  Since I was accepting myself right where I was, recognizing that I couldn't change me, I started focusing on the wonderful things life has to offer.  

The shame and guilt began to melt away, and God was then able to start healing those things inside of me that were telling me that I was NOT the righteousness of Christ.  I already WAS, but I kept magnifying those things I hated about myself, instead of agreeing with God that I WAS righteous.  I feel like I'm getting into some "Christianese" speak here so feel free to ask questions if you need to.

Most of us read the bible and take everything as a commandment.  For me, through the lens of God's love, I see these things as cautions... as promises.  When we do whatever we want, God loves us just as fiercely.  However, doing whatever we want isn't freedom.  It brings slavery.  My intepretation of slavery is "when you feel you have to hide things you are doing, when you feel trapped by the things you are doing, when you feel heavy and not at peace because of the things you are doing."   How could living like that be considered freedom?!

Many of the choices that I have made in my own life  has caused me to be in slavery.  Suffering the consequences of those choices, whether it be a hangover, or just suffering the guilt and shame of my actions were definitely not freeing.  I would have to say, however, that the deepest pit of slavery I got into was the pit of shame and guilt.  When I came to God and asked for forgiveness, those things were forgiven and forgotten.... by Him at least.  Not by me.  Refusing to believe that I was no longer guilty is what caused the absolute WORST consequences in my life, more than any others.

As I'm writing what is coming to me is, for me, those sins I committed were NOT the actual root of my problem.  Yes, if I had not committed those sins then I would not have set the ball of slavery in motion.  However, the root of ALL of this was the shame and guilt.  I unconsciously put up a wall.... a steel barrier actually.... that God could not penetrate because of my shame.

Now, don't start booing and hissing at me here, but I'm going to go so far as to say that it was the shame, not the sin, that distanced me from God.  Not that He want's me to sin.  Heaven's no!  Sin brings it's own consequences that make our lives so much more difficult!!!  But when we do sin, no matter what it is, if we can honestly go to Him and just confess it, and believe... just believe.... that He has forgiven it, THAT allows Him continued access to work and move in healing us inside to the point where we outgrow that sin.

This verse gives you some insight as to what it means to walk in freedom "God's Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled...." Galatians 5:22  Religion makes us believe that we have to make ourselves these things, when in reality it is only HIM that can do it in us.  Yes, when we accept Him as our saviour, those things are put IN us.  However, He then begins the loooong process of bringing them OUT in us.  Shame and trying to fix ourselves hinders this process greatly.

For some of you, I know this will be a hard concept to grasp so I am going to leave you with a few quotes I found online.  And remember... believe..... just believe.....

Believe like a child, love with an open mind, lose gracefully, accept failure, learn from mistakes...

You know those relationships when one partner keeps on hurting the other partner and yet hurt party keeps on forgiving and taking them back each time?  We never understand why.  And sometimes get angry at the forgiving person because we know they're going to get hurt again.  Have you thought of our relationship with God that way? We hurt him by sinning every day - and yet he takes us back every day.  When we're lost, He goes out of His way to find us.  He doesn't love us because of our works.  He loves us because He IS LOVE and simply can not help it!

Touching the Hem of His Robe...

Mark 5:25-29 A woman who had suffered a condition of hemorrhaging for twelve years—(a long succession of physicians had treated her, and treated her badly, taking all her money and leaving her worse off than before)—had heard about Jesus. She slipped in from behind and touched his robe. She was thinking to herself, “If I can JUST put a finger on his robe, I can get well.  The moment she did it, the flow of blood dried up. She could feel the change and knew her plague was over and done with."

Have you ever reached a point where your choices were becoming huge burdens in your life?  Where you can see nothing but you sin and the load is getting heavier and heavier?...
I've been there.... BOY have I been there.  In my case, a lot of the choices came about because I religiously thought they were something that God was asking me to do.  Thru religious, and hyper religious interpretation of the bible, I took on things that I would have NEVER done before.  

I took on things that seemed outright sin to me, and they were>  However, my religious teachers and my distorted view of God and the bible's teaching told me that I was doing the right thing. These wrong beliefs forced me into a pit of shame, despair, frustration, loneliness, hopelessness and self loathing.  

I know that the woman with the plague of hemoraging was the victim of uncontrollable circumstances and not her own choices.  That said,  I happen to believe the same power of Jesus to heal us of whatever ails us, even shame from our own choices, is available to US.  I ended up in circumstances that I could not even begin to understand how to control.

Because of these circumstances, I truly began to hate God.  GASP!  Yes.... I began to absolutely despise God.  When things became too exhausting to handle I would cry out to Him.  I would tell Him that I hated Him... tell Him that I was only doing these things because I was supposed to.  I railed at Him for forcing me into this prison of torment and bleakness.  I literally felt like He was Hitler and I was a prisoner in His nazi camp.  

Of course these outbursts would be immediately followed by me groveling at His feet, fervently apologizing and pledging to not let it happen again.  

(But it did happen again... and again... and again...)  

I would tell Him that I didn't mean the things I said.   

(But I did...)  

I would beg for Him to take my free will and to enable me to immediately be that person He wanted.  

(But He never did....)  

The shame and guilt would cripple me for days.  I became SUCH a secretive person during that time.  Even though I felt I was doing God's will, I knew others would not understand.  Plus, I was ashamed.

Do you ever feel like that?........ 

One day I said something a tad unkind  to the main person in my life at that time that I thought I was to be submissive to.  After this person left, I immediately began to babble out apologies to God about how sorry I was.  Suddenly I stopped and in wonder I honestly told God "No I'm not.... I'm not sorry.  I'm only apologizing because I feel that I am SUPPOSED to but I'm honestly not sorry." 

You know what?  That axe of doom never fell to chop off my head for being so cheeky...  Well let me tell YOU.... that allowed me a taste of freedom and nothing had ever been sweeter!  I literally FELT a burden lift off of me!  

This was what I think was truly the real beginning of my VERY slow progress toward a real relationship with God.  At this time, I had absolutely no trust in God, or anyone else, not even... especially.... myself.  SO I began very slowly to take baby steps toward Him instead of cowering in fear away from Him.  

I had so much denial about any "unGodly" feelings and thoughts stuffed and buried far down deep inside of me, that little splinters of it STILL tend to work their way out of me.  But I'm healed..  My woundedness has faded to scars that only add depth and beauty to the compassionate, Godly woman that I am today....

I feel the biggest part of my healing was came from finally understanding that I was allowed to be honest with myself and God without fear of punishment.  Not just allowed but that honesty was necessary.  It is so true that confession is good for the soul.

I have went thru some of my past history to make a point here.  Often the burdens of our choices, whether we falsely think we are following God, or whether we are outright deliberately sinning, are caused by overwhelming shame and guilt.   

That shame can push us so far down into a pit that we can no longer see or hear God.  We may feel that He has turned his back on us.  We can't seem to get out of the mess.  Maybe we don't know how or maybe we just plain don't want to.  Maybe we like what we are doing, but that gentle loving spirit inside of us is pure light so just can't mesh up with the sin so we feel unsettled.

Go to Him... trust yourself and Him enough to be totally honest about everything; every thought, every action, every foul word....  Even if you are in a pit so deep that you can't see daylight, it is my prayer that you can muster enough strength to believe that Jesus has already covered your debt.  

Can you just believe that you don't have to have your life in order to STILL be righteous thru HIS righteousness?  If you believe nothing good about yourself, just believe the goodness in Him, in His Holy Spirit inside you if you have invited Him in to be your Lord and Savior, is enough.

Picture yourself, like the woman in the picture above, reaching out in exhaustion and defeat just to touch the hem of His robe.  You don't have to do anything but say "Help"....  You may not even know what you need help with... that's ok.  

You may not even be able to muster strength or desire to even pray.  That's ok.... Just say the name of Jesus over an over.  That is a way of reaching out to touch the hem of His robe.  There is power in just saying His name.  

This is all a process, and we will all do it differently.  For me I think the point where I first reached out to touch the hem of His robe was that moment when I could be honest and say "I'm NOT sorry..."  It was a moment of truth and "the truth shall set you free".  At that moment I felt the flow of guilt dry up and a profound relief, which felt like power, flowed in. 

He offers us ALL grace and mercy.  He is not a respecter of persons. 

" Acts 10:32-36 Peter fairly exploded with his good news: “It’s God’s own truth, nothing could be plainer: God plays no favorites! It makes no difference who you are or where you’re from—if you want God and are ready to do as he says, the door is open. In other words, He loves each of us the same. " The Message  

 The same grace and favor is available to each of us, no matter who we are.  I believe that if you are to the point of being so desperate to crawl on your belly and touch a trembling finger to the hem of His robe, that you are willing to allow Him to talk to your heart and you will eventually feel His power flow in to enable you to see a way out of the pit you are in.   Just reach out a finger in some way and ask Him to enable you to "Believe, just believe....."  He's waiting with arms wide open....