I Got Your Back.....

I'm not about leading..... But I am about instigating. I'd rather we walk alongside each other in this life, than one in front of the other. But, if I see that you need a push, I'll get behind you... and I hope you'll do the same for me.  Jamie Wright

I absolutely LOVE this quote!  It's how I see myself.   Me leading?  Pshaw....  But me INSTIGATING??  Now THAT I can do! And giving you a push....?! I'm there! 

I absolutely adore running across amazing bits of wisdom and truth, slapping it on a platter, and serving it up to anyone who will listen and engage.  There is nothing more exhilerating!

This is just me trailing my bread trail of random thoughts here, but when someone says they see me as "A leader", it's like saying I have an inside track on some special information and therefore more qualified to tell someone else what they need to do.  Uh... no.....  But I'll be glad to serve you up a saucer of "life as I see it" a la' mode.

I do see myself as an instigator.  Let me digress here for a moment.... I love the word "instigate" because it means to "urge on".... to "stir up".....  

That's what I love to do... urge others on..... stir up their  imagination, their hunger and thirst for life, for relationships, for God, for change, for.... for more..... more than what we've been led to believe is available to us.  

Most of us have been taught that there is a limit to what we can achieve in this life.  Often those limits are very restricted by our own perceptions.

I have become a "what if" girl and I think I have a friend or two that just cannot grasp that concept.  I see a titch of irritation come in when I stray from fact's to "what if...."  

What can I say?  I'm a dreamer.  I love the quote from the movie Uncle Buck - "I don't think I want to know a six year old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart."  OH YEAH!  That's me!  A sillyheart!

No, I am not six years old on the outside, but I certainly am on the inside.  Ask my friends.... I LOVE silliness!  It comes naturally to me.  You could say it's a gift!  Though some people aren't so sure it's a gift....

Over the last few days I have read over my blog posts from last year.  I have not allowed people to read them. I didn't even read them..... until now.  Ummm.... do I like them?   Not so much.  As I look them over I don't see a trace of that sillyheart.  I see a heart that is very bogged down with trying to figure things out.  

I know I can't always be silly.... and believe me..... often I won't be and you'll be wishing I was! I have a tendency sometimes to try to dig too deep.  Well, grab a shovel and come join me.  It's going to be a bumpy ride! : D

Come As You Are....

"I'm probably gonna go back to the lifestyle I lived before, so I can't go to church.  I don't want to give the things up I know I'd have to, if I do go...."  

These words were said to me this week by someone I care for very much.  She was talking about the choices she would make if she ended her current relationship.

She opened up the door to talk about God, and I simply said "God loves you just as you are.  If and when you're ready,  ask Him to show you who He is."

It just burns my biscuits that so many of us, in our religiousity, put that belief out there- That belief that says "To be a Christian, you have to change."  Often I feel that can drive a wedge between God and so many that are already hurting. I know this because I've experienced it.

Will change come about when one becomes a Christian? Well, sure.... But normally not from us trying to do it ourselves.  When change comes it is the wonder and power of God at work. We just come as we are.

In the video for the song "Come as you are" (see below) there is an amazing quote that says  "Before trying to offer people a helping hand, Jesus listened first for their hurting heart."  Wow.... If we could just take the minutes, hours, days and years to listen to someone's hurting heart instead of trying to "fix them",  what sort of difference could that make in the lives of others?  When it comes to addressing a situation with someone,  I hope it is my heart that speaks the loudest, not my flapping gums.


My point is, I feel I am developing an understanding... an ability to differenciate between "tolerance for sin", and "showing grace/love".  I am not shouting "It's ok to sin.  Do whatever you want."  Instead I am quietly whispering "I love you for you, right where you are."

I know the benefits of this because it is what has been the biggest factor in deepening my trust and love for God.  When I feel that I have to change... that I'm not good enough just as I am.... I resist.  If I don't resist it could be because I feel I have to "obey or else".   Resentment begins to ooze through me and my naughty inner child throws a tantrum like no other, stomping her feet in a petulant snit. It is through practicing radical acceptance of myself and of others, that I find some semblance of contentment.... of peace.  When I'm walking in unacceptance, then I'm cantankerous.

Yeah... I occasionally come to a point where there is no other choice in a relationship but to confront an issue head on.  No, this is not a particularly pleasant task.  For me, the attitude with which someone approaches me is everything.  I try to approach others with the same kindness, tenderness, understanding, concern and care that I would want extended to me.

Unfortunately, sometimes that little angst ridden teenager we all have inside will bust out of the gate and demand someone change to fit our view of what they should be.  I just try to grab that little sucker by the hand and reign her in before she can whip her too uptight self into a frenzy.  Whew!  Anyone got a spanky spoon?!

If I do reach a point in a relationship where I feel comfortable giving unsolicited advice or needing to face an issue, I attempt to choose my words carefully and use great wisdom, attempting to not trample on their feelings. 

I guess what I am saying here is love deep, laugh often, listen always, advise others sparingly....  I saw a quote recently that really spoke to me.  "You cannot change someone but you can be the person they want to change for."  I feel this sums up what I am saying here today.  Accept others for who they are.  It's through that acceptance that true change can often begin to happen.

Yes, sometimes while waiting for the situation to iron itself out, you may need to evaluate and establish boundaries where needed.  I didn't say build a brick wall.... rather place that little low lying fence carefully around the perfectly ordered little yard of your life (HA!) until you feel it's safe to re-open the gate.

And yes... sigh... sometimes it is necessary to place some distance between you and one who cannot seem to come into agreement, to the point where friction is always inevitable.  I hope that if I ever need to do this, it is because I know that is what's best and not because I'm being judgmental and spiteful.

Back to the topic at hand.  When I attempt to change myself because of religious teachings... because of fear of not being good enough... it is usually only my outward behavior that changes.  Inside, I am still pretty much a hot mess.  It is only once I sincerely accept my imperfections, both inward and outward.... only once I began to radically accept myself for who I am right at any given moment, that true change begins.

Now.... let me confess here that while I might radically accept myself today, tomorrow I may again find myself  staring at me in horrified bemusement for some faux pas that I have committed.  Just because I feel I've reached the safe zone of inner love and peace today, doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be tackled by some incoming missile randomly shot off by life.  But that's what it's all about isn't it?  Peaks, valleys, mountains, ditches, highs, lows....

I am learning to trust God knows who I am inside and out, and He loves me anyway.  It is that kind of acceptance, that kind of love, that encourages a softening process in my heart to the point where He is able to flow in and begin to truly heal the hurt in me.

It is then that I begin to want to change.  It is also then that I begin to open my heart to accept others right where they're at and trust that GOD will do any "fixing" that may need to be done....

Don't Be A Dictator....

One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.... Henry Miller

Dictate:  a guiding or governing principle, requirement, etc.:

For the first time in  a while I have something to blog about. I now realize that I have been in a time of busyness, stress, AND a place of deep resentment.

A family member became ill, in large part we believe, due to her poor lifestyle choices.  It has been left to me to make the medical decisions, run and fetch for her while she has been gone, and to try to juggle the holiday season.

I'm not trying to beat her or myself up here.  It's just that I let life invade and distract me from alone time with God.  I became spiritually dehydrated.  I let things build up inside and a few nights ago I finally admitted to myself the resentment I have begun to feel for the position I am in, and for the person I want to blame.

I immediately internally turned to God and spoke to my... His.... spirit in me.   I poured out how I felt.  I hesitantly told Him that I felt it was was wrong to feel this way, and that I was afraid of His punishment.

Hmmm.... That surprised me. I realized that I hadn't even been able to admit these strong feelings to myself, let alone to God, because I was afraid of All Mighty punishment.

In talking with Him, I used the word "hate".  I allowed myself to express exactly what I was feeling at that moment.   Guess what?  Since then, instead of feeling horrible and like I need to give myself 1,000 lashes with a raw hide whip, I have felt like a weight is lifted.  I seem to have more patience and understanding .

I told God that, at this moment, I couldn't love like I needed to so He would have to do it through me.  I have relaxed and am trusting Him to do it in me.

I realized today that God seems to be orchestrating so many situations that eventually lead me to "take Him out of the box."  In other words, I have a tendency to be a "dictator."  Strict beliefs learned in my past lead me to dictate "this is just how it's done." In other words, I form  rigid rules or principles. This does not allow room for change and  growth.

I tend to look at where I'm at in life and put  restraints on it.  Often I find myself drift toward a treadmill of performance.... If I follow this rule than I'll get that result.  I may feel fear when I don't "follow the rules" well enough.

For example,  there are verses like "Look not only to your own interests but to the interests of others." Phil. 2:4. I have a tendency to dictate this can only be interpreted one way.  That I am to allow myself be brought to the point of exhaustion by trying to fulfill this biblical commandment. 

I then cross over into extreme resentment and anger.  This leads to my feeling fear that God may punish me for not being content to be at someone's selfish beck and call, and for falling into anger.


My biggest downfall is that I may sometimes grab onto what I think is the leading of God and lock it into place in my "spiritual radar."  I may I still find myself ignoring the clanging warning signs from others, but especially from my inner self.... my spirit....   I still may find myself unconsciously resisting what I believe is the gentle tug of God trying to pull me back on course. 

 But even then, He normally  manages to get my attention and guide me back on track.  It just takes a little longer than it probably needed to, but fear not!  None of that time is wasted.  

As a matter of fact, I think I may have learned a lot more in finding my way back then I would have if I had never gotten off course in the first place.  Not that I would choose to take the longer route unless absolutely necessary.... uh huh.... no....  thank....  you!


Sometimes I find myself spiritually squinting at scriptures to get them to give me permission to do what I want to do.  However, when I am truly seeking God, often scriptures will spring to life... they will grab my attention and a leap in my spirit(?).. an.... awareness(?)..... flows in that  seems to be God speaking to me.  

The only way I learn to be more confident in telling the difference between me speaking to me, and God speaking to me, is by stepping out and taking the risk to follow what seems to be God.  

Remember, this is YOUR journey and no one else's.  Embrace it.... taste it.... and live it to the fullest....

I want to remind you that you are unique.... your relationship with God and others is unique.... your life experiences are unique, therefore your journey is unique. 

I and others can share our experiences with you to give you inspiration, hope and company on your journey but please do NOT make the mistake of thinking that you can copy anyone's travels.  You would then be just a carbon copy instead of an original.  

You would be putting your authenticity in a box instead of letting it's colors run and blend wildly into the one of a kind tapestry it was created to be.  Never try to duplicate, or compare yourself to, someone else.  You will always feel that you are never measuring up.  That's because someone else is not who you were created to be.  

You are an original!  Now step out of that confining choking closet of conformity that you have allowed close-mindedness to trap you in, and expand your thinking... your heart.... your spirit..... your soul.... to the reality that ANYTHING is possible.....  Hugs! Sheila

I am Finding Freedom on a Narrow Road....

Matthew 7:13-14  “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.  But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.  NIV

Who knew?!  Definitely not me!  I would never imagine that freedom can be found walking on a narrow road.

I used to read this verse from Matthew and feel uneasiness, fear and some anger.  Time and time again I prayed for God to take my free will because it was too scary to think of finding that narrow path on my own.  

I didn't realize at the time that my experiences, even those where I totally crash and burn and almost lose my life are what is needed to help me to recognize the breath taking beauty of that winding little path.  Before, I saw it as constrictive, confining and was miserable when trying to keep within it's ugly little borders.  I envisioned scratchy and heart rending brambles on either side of it, just waiting and hungry to rip you to shreds.

As I look at this picture what comes to mind is a vision of "This is what it means to follow Jesus...."  For some time I have quit trying to figure out what is the "right" choice in situations.  Instead I have begun to ask God "how do I follow you in this situation."  It brings so much freedom because you are no longer leaning on your own understanding to figure out right and wrong.  In many, MANY scenarios there are no right and wrong answers.  

1 Corinthians 10:23-24 says I have the right to do anything but not all things are beneficial.  I like the way the Message bible says it  "Looking at it one way, you could say, “Anything goes. Because of God’s immense generosity and grace, we don’t have to dissect and scrutinize every action to see if it will pass muster.” But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well.

Before I began to understand God's grace, His love, my walk with Him was stifling, choking, empty, resentful and full of religious sacrifice.  Verses like the one above would throw me into a snit saying "The bible is full of do this and don't do that, and now it throws me for a loop saying that all things are permissible.  What's up with that???!"   This morning some examples came to mind that gave me a whole new understanding of the narrow path and how it works with the "all things are not beneficial" verse.

Look at that picture above again.  As you can see, if you began to stray from the path it looks spectacular.... peaceful.... inviting.....  However, I believe the farther you get from that narrow path, the scenery begins to change... the beauty begins to fade and become tangled.  You and others may experience hurtful circumstances.   

I have realized that this narrow path applies to all things in life.  If you wander off of it with money, with food, with work, with .... well.... you fill in the blanks, you will soon begin to lose your way.  You and others will suffer the natural results of not keeping within healthy guidelines in your life.  Yes, it appears alluring to wander from the path but it DOES bring harm in some form.

This verse is not some legalistic order hatefully handed down by a God who is trying to control us and ruin our fun.  It is a gentle urging whispered into our ear while we are cradled in the arms of a loving father who longs for us to live in the freedom and abundance He offers.

  My point here is that  in all the things the bible has to teach us... if we don't see it through the eyes of God's love and grace....we will wander around off of that narrow path and receive some scratches and bruises. This happens... I believe it is even necessary....  We learn from it.  

When you can get a revelation of His love for you, you KNOW that narrow path is a place of safety, security yet freedom.  Freedom to live from guilt and shame because you know in your heart that you DO want to do the "right" things.

Freedom in that knowledge because you know when you wander from the path, it was not because you are bad but because you just allowed yourself to be distracted by something that looked appealing.  You apologize and go on, asking God to guide your steps back to solid ground.  

Our consequences are not punishment from God, they are simply a result of our poor choices.  We walked the wide road of destruction and as a result, WE became wide! Hahahaha!  Sorry.... I'm a jokester so bear with me.  

Again, just know that you are the apple of God's eye.  He isn't angry with you and He isn't punishing you.  As Luke 13:34 says "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, killer of prophets, abuser of the messengers of God!  How often I’ve longed to gather your children, gather your children like a hen, Her brood safe under her wings but you refused and turned away!" The Message  He WANTS to keep you safe but it is your choice to allow Him to or not.

In case you have not heard this, there are stories about how a mother hen will gather her babies under her when the chicken coop is on fire.  She will continue to shelter them allowing herself to be be burned to death just to keep them safe.  Here is an excerpt from one of those stories "But it was when Grandpa scraped his heavy shoe to move the carcass of a dead hen that a picture of God’s sweet provision broke through.  Nestled under the wings of that charred hen were six little yellow chicks.  Scared, but alive. Their mother had not survived the fire, but they were hidden under her downy wings and did not suffocate or burn."

What an amazing parable of God's love....

So what do you say?  Are you tired of being road kill?  Then ask Him to guide you to His narrow path.  Ask Him to enable you to find the joy, peace and freedom that comes when you walk that road, even when there may be trials and tribulations to journey through.

 I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.  Romans 8:31-32

And the Walls Came Tumbling Down....

 And so your tradition empties the commandment of God of all its meaning. You hypocrites! Isaiah describes you beautifully when he said: ‘These people draw near to me with their mouth, and honour me with their lips, but their heart is far from me. And in vain they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men’.”  Matthew 14:6-9

This verse sounds harsh, doesn't it?  "But your heart is far from me" came to my mind this morning as I lie there meditating on things.  I had been thinking of how I, and may others,  are doing "works" for God instead of acts of kindness flowing from a heart of faith.  

In this verse,  Jesus was speaking to the scribes and pharisees.  These were people who taught but did not follow their own teachings.  They  flaunted their "good works" before others in order to make themselves look superior.  Some of us may do that, but I feel it is often unintentional.... somehow a legalistic noose has gotten itself around our spiritual necks and convinced us we will perish if we do not "work" hard for God.  However, when we count on our works to make us worthy, then we are no longer walking in faith.

Works and Faith go hand in hand.  If you just have works, then you may do things out of obligation. Maybe what is spurring that obligation is fear... fear if you don't work hard enough for God, you will be punished.  Maybe what is spurring someone on is that their trying to earn brownie points with God.  Maybe what is spurring it IS self righteousnesness - Hmmmph... See how much more holy I am than you because I do all of this?"  

If you just have faith but don't put feet to it, then maybe you don't have love.  In other words, you don't yet have a firm grasp on the heigth, the depth, the awe inspiring wonder of God's boundless love and grace.  

When you know you are loved.... when you are in those first stages of romance.... don't you just gush and ooh and awe and trip over yourself in reciprocating that love.  The whole world and everyone else in it become a lot sweeter.  You WANT to do good.  

I feel that is what happens once you have spent time devoting yourself to coming to know God on an intimate level.  An intimate knowledge of His love for you can't help but bubble up and out of you into a desire to shower that same love on others.  I believe that until you have that foundation.... that foundation of a relationship with God built on His love.... then maybe all you are doing is works.   I don't know.  This is just me ruminating.

I had to stop doing things because I "should" and just devote myself to asking God to open my eyes to His love.... to His heart toward me.  True love is something that you can't fake but we do fake it when we set ourselves to "working for God", instead of tripping over ourselves in an eagerness to spill out His love onto others. 

Doesn't your heart just warm up when someone you don't know gives you a genuine heartfelt smile and not the perfunctionary "works" of a smile.  It makes you feel like they saw something in you, a stranger, that sparked something in them.  Maybe it's that warming of the heart that allows a little bit of hope and faith quietly slide in.


I believe that understanding what true, Godly love is does not just fall easily into our laps.  In my God journey I reached a crossroads.  I was so frustrated.   The burdens of religion had become so heavy to carry that I began to sense I was missing something. That sensing turned into a full blown cry to God.  "I feel like I'm missing something!"   I had a crisis of faith where I started questioning all that I knew.  That crisis has led me to pursuing more of life, love, Jesus, and has given me a taste of God's love that leaves me insatiable for more. 

 Matthew 13:44 “God’s kingdom is like a treasure hidden in a field for years and then accidentally found by a trespasser. The finder is ecstatic—what a find!—and proceeds to sell everything he owns to raise money and buy that field."  To fit my point, here are my words as an interpretation of this verse- "Once you begin to get even a tiny taste, a tiny sliver of revelation about God's love, you will do whatever you can to get a revelation of the whole package." 

Once we begin to get a revelation of God's love then the walls of legalism in our lives come tumbling down. We begin to move, breathe and find our being in love.... GOD's love..... real, true love.... holy love.....  

When the walls start to fall, be aware that it is normal to be confused, skeptical, fearful, doubting, distrusting, etc.  After all, the world you believed in is collapsing.  Yet at the same time, you will most like feel a niggle of delight, awe, wonder and hope down deep.  Can this really be true....?! 

I love the thought,  "True love is... tripping over ourselves in an eagerness to spill out His love onto others." And I want to add "especially when we know that they cannot or will not give anything in return."  

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out.  If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him."

I'm Open!!

I"M OPEN!  Yay!!  The image that came to me today as I had this thought was of a woman in dress clothes excitedly jumping up and down on a basketball court joyfully screaming "I'M OPEN!"  However, when I ran across this image of two little girls lost in delight, THIS conveyed my feelings so much better!

There is this concept called "Letting go".  For me, to find freedom in this walk with God I have had to come to the point of letting go in so many areas.  I'm sure I will continue be faced, through out my life, with situations where I have to "let go."

As I look back, I see that letting go is becoming easier and easier.  I have a tendency to "hold onto" things sooooo tightly that when I am faced with the possibility that they might be taken from me, I clutch onto them even more tightly.  This causes stress, confusion, heartache, tears, anger.... You name it.  I run the gamut of emotions.

What does letting go look like to me?  I'll use my job as an example.  I have worked there for almost 19 years.  I am a single mom who needs to provide for her household.  This is a small office and I am very comfortable there.  A new rule was instated in our office not long ago regarding a certain mistake.  Whoever made this mistake would 1) Get sent home for the day with no pay the first time 2)  Be immediately fired the second time it happened.  Wouldn't you know, I did mess up.  I was sent home with no pay.

Th3 first time it happened I was swamped with feelings of humiliation that I made a mistake, anger that I had been a long time employee and they were subjecting me to this silly rule, and fear that I would lose my job, not be able to take care of my family, and not be able to find another one that I liked or paid as well.

Because of all of this I began to clutch my job that much tighter, and attempted to be absolutely perfect in my performance.  BUT no matter how hard I tried, I made the mistake again.... and again.... and again.....  You know what I learned from this?  A lesson on God's grace.  My boss kept giving me another chance.  You know what else I learned?  I learned to "let go".

 I reached a point of surrender.  A point where it did not even bother me to think I could lose my job.  As a matter of fact, I even felt an excitement that this would just open the door for me to find something better.  I began to relax in my job and not worry about how I was being treated or what the others thought of me, and life is sooooo much better now.  I feel freedom from fear of losing my job.

This has happened in several areas of my life now.  I lost my home and I fought the fear of that.  Eventually I surrendered and moved in with my mother.  Just recently she signed her home over to me as she plans to move into something smaller and more age friendly.  I now have a home that is payment free.  No house payment, no rent just setting aside monthly for insurance and taxes.  Is that not a God thing!!!  It's not fancy, but I see soooo much potential here and I look forward to making it a home.

Now to the bigee.... Letting go of the dream of a romantic relationship.... Now that's tough...  Today I had a taste of what letting go of that might taste like.  At this moment I feel whatever God chooses to do, I'm FINALLY open and wanting to trust Him.  Am I perfect at the trusting part? No, but isn't that where God comes in?

Roman's 4:1-3 ..." If Abraham, by what he did for God, got God to approve him, he could certainly have taken credit for it. But the story we’re given is a God-story, not an Abraham-story. What we read in Scripture is, “Abraham entered into what God was doing for him, and that was the turning point. He trusted God to set him right instead of trying to be right on his own.” 

Will I trust Him tomorrow in all things.... in the romance department?  Who knows... It's a day by day journey.  There is "just enough light for the step I'm on."  We are only given enough faith for one day at a time.

No, trusting is not easy.  It seems that we learn to trust by the messy, complicated situations that we get into or that life brings to us.   However, once we have passed through the trials, the lessons we have learned opens up a whole new view on life.

John 16:20-21 comes to mind as I picture this "...Yes, you will be deeply distressed, but your pain will turn into joy. When a woman gives birth to a child, she certainly knows pain when her time comes. Yet as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers her agony for joy that a man has been born into the world. Now you are going through pain, but I shall see you again and your hearts will thrill with joy—the joy that no one can take away from you..."

In finally... or should I say "again".... reaching the point of letting go in this area, it feels like a huge pain is lifted. At least for today....   It no longer weighs you down and burdens you.  At least for today.... It is FREEDOM!  At least for today.....  

Maybe God allowing our anguish to linger to the point where we let go.... to the point where human wants are expelled from our spirit..... is to give us freedom.  It's not to beat us down like we were just slave hands in a field.  I don't know but I DO know it is an AMAZING feeling!  The sky is the limit! NOW God can move it and make things happen because we have moved out of the way.  We are no longer making our own plans.


The biggest sense of freedom I am getting tho is when I recognize that I may have been trying to do a little micromanaging, it doesn't mean that all is lost.  I simply immediately quit trying to make something happen, back off, say "So sorry God.  May your grace cover my mistake...", and I go on.  

I found myself coming to recognize a bit of it this week and started to cower in fear of punishment.  Punishment that He would just give up and walk away.  That's not what happened.  My trust came in and replaced the fear.  My trust that He knew my heart.    He knew that I didn't deliberately try to make my own plans.  I just slipped up a bit.  I trust Him to take that into account and, like a GPS, continue to "recalculate" when I take a wrong turn.

As I've said so often.  I had to believe.... just believe......

My Garden of Gethsemane...                            Nov. 25, 2013

"Then Jesus came with the disciples to a place called Gethsemane and said to them, “Sit down here while I go over there and pray.” Then he took with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee and began to be in terrible distress and misery. “My heart is nearly breaking,” he told them, “stay here and keep watch with me.” Then he walked on a little way and fell on his face and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible let this cup pass from me—yet it must not be what I want, but what you want.”  Matthew 26:36-39

I have been taking a class from Dr. Dan that focuses on enabling us to recognize our purpose.  In the church you often hear talk about your purpose and your calling.  I thought those two were the same thing.  

However I have learned that our purpose is who we are.  Our calling is what we do with our purpose.  For example, God may have created you with the purpose of being an encourager, a voice, an athlete, or a _____...... you fill in the blanks....  Your calling may be that you encourage through a blog, your a voice thru being a motivational speaker, an athlete who plays football, etc.  

About three weeks ago a subject in class was the Garden of Gethsemane and how we each have to go through one to discover who we are.  Dr. Dan believes that we go through that only one time in our life, and when we come through it, we know what our purpose is. He believes once we know our purpose, everything we touch our hand to will prosper.  He also believes that a very few percentage of people ever reach this point.  Most people do not recognize the call on their heart to pursue God in such a way that He can reveal your purpose to you, or that you will live up to that purpose.

I'm wondering.... Do we really go through only ONE Garden of Gethsemane?  It feels like we go through it every time we face a monumental crisis in our life.  Yikes!  How often are we down on our knees saying "Not my will, but Yours?" How often do we come to that point of knowing that we have to lay down what we want and trust that He will bring to pass what needs to happen.  Every time it FEELS like dying.... Every time it feels like we are spiritually sweating blood.  It's during these times that you often experience moments of feeling totally alone, even though you are surrounded by many.

Hearing about discovering your purpose and calling used to put a TON of pressure on me.  I just knew that if I couldn't discover it, I was going to be living in a shanty in the slums on the outskirts of heaven because I had not pleased God by letting him use me like a lowly slave.  I feared that I would be useless to Him because I could never guess my purpose. Now, even though I haven't yet learned my purpose, I have had a taste of what it is to experience being His beloved daughter instead of just a worthless piece of junk to be used.

I think it is for that very reason, the fact that my trust in Him is growing, that it is only now that I am in a place where I can discover what my purpose is here on earth.  And He has a purpose for me, not as a slave but as His friend.  I am a flower that He has sent to bloom in this world, and if I allow Him to fertilize my growth, the aroma that my life gives off will be an intoxicating aroma that can help change the lives of others.

Dan explained that in going through the Garden of Gethsemane, we will separate from the crowd and take a few of our closest friends with us along this journey.  These are people that need to know what is going on in my world.  That said, as Jesus's three disciples failed Him by falling asleep in the Garden, our friends will fail us... but they need to be with us on our journey.  

There will come a point on this journey where we will have to separate from them in a way, and be alone with God.  This will be a place where my soul (who I am, my wishes) has to die... it has to come into alignment with my spirit.  This is not easy.  As Dan says "my spirit will grieve because it knows my soul has to die."  We may ask that this cup pass from us because what God is pulling us toward seems too big.... the cost may seem too great.  

There will be a moment of decision where we decide to either to follow through with Him toward our purpose, or to turn back to live a safer life.  If you DO say "your will be done", it will bring a quiet to your spirit. It's a moment of surrender and it feels so peaceful.  You do need to know that this is NOT about what you are doing.... it's about your being willing to totally trust God with the outcome.  You stay close  to Him.... you focus on learning to sense His leading and you just follow step by step. If you know He is leading you to do something, the outcome is in HIS hands.  It's not up to you to MAKE it happen.

At this moment, and I know it may change as I allow God to unfold things, I'm feel that something about my purpose will be in dealing with relationships....  It's in discovering what a relationship with God is..... what a relationship with myself is.... and what a relationship with others is.  As I learn these things, God may be able to bring me alongside others in this hurting world to encourage them in relationship, whether it is a relationship with God, self, and/or others.  I firmly believe that  a healthy relationship with God and self first is vital to being able to have healthy relationships with others.


I do have some close women friends with me in this journey.   You could say these friends have all failed me at times, just as I have failed them.  We're human.  They all, in different ways, do not believe in what I feel I am being led to do at times.  And, at times, I feel a pressure to go along with their advice.... like they don't trust me to try, and, if it comes to it, to fail. To learn from the failure.  

I can't blame them.... I sometimes sound crazy even to myself.  I know they want to protect me and I'm so thankful for their love.  I just sometimes feel forbidden to "grow up"... to take risks.  Is this the spiritual teenager in me?  Someone who is not quite yet mature, yet no longer a child?  Someone who is on another leg of the journey in finding out what is true.... what is real... so feels that need to pull away a bit in order to be allowed go grow?  sigh.... I thought I was done with my teenage years a long.... LONG time ago.

I spent several years separated, not divorced, from my husband believing that God wanted to restore that marriage.  I focused on the outcome and tried to make it happen by following religious teachings that instructed me on what a Godly wife should be.  I tried to force myself into the mold of what I was told I should be in order to achieve the outcome.  

Instead of focusing on a relationship with God and who He created me to be, I focused on forcing myself into being someone that I thought I should be.  I focused on the outcome, not on trusting Him with it.  The result was disaster and I finally walked away in defeat.  

I filed divorce since the pressure from the failure to achieve the desired outcome finally overwhelmed me.  I didn't surrender and allow God to work.... I gave up.  I'm not saying that my marriage would have been healed.  That's not where I'm heading.  I'm saying that I know I did take control often instead of allowing things to unfold.  

This is all coming to me as I type, but with it does not come the old sense of despair and shame.  Instead I feel this is an "aha" moment and I feel peace. 

Our God is sooo good to give us more than one chance to learn.  In other words, we get to "go around the mountain" again.  As I'm writing this what is coming to me is the sense that this is not a bad thing.  I'll use Dr. Dan's analogy.   It is like that athlete who practices and practices until they perfect their game.  Maybe that is what we are doing.  

Instead of considering it a failure to be going around the mountain again, just consider it another level of practice.  Each time you go through a different level you will refine and hone those skills that God needs you to have.  However, I do believe, for me, that I have had to recognize that I can't keep doing the same things each time I go around the mountain or I will never get anywhere.   

For me, a big part of this time around the mountain has involved taking risks and going down the path less traveled.  In other words, instead of playing it safe by "following the rules" that others make, if I sense what I think is God's leading to do something, I step out instead of playing it safe.  This is fine tuning my ability to tell what is His leading.  Let me tell you, this is taking a while!  Sheesh!  The downside is that I have taken some nasty spills.  The upside is that I am getting more comfortable with failing.... I often don't even consider it a failure but a learning lesson. 

Something Dan asked in class this week is what opened a can of worms for me.  He asked "What is our purpose?  The main one is to glorify God."  When he asked "What is another one", what popped into my head was "relationships."  Dan then said "The other purposes depend on who you are as an individual."  

This brought the mini jolt to my spirit because it just clicked that my interest, my fascination with learning about relationships is my passion.  Why?  Probably because I have failed at them so often.  Also because I have watched the hurt that everyone I know has experienced by failing in or being failed by them.

As I write, I recognize that more and more I am learning to try to keep my focus on God and trying to sense His leading instead of trying to figure out where the situation I am in is going to end up.  Again, it is not about the situation, it is not about what I am doing, it is about the fact that I am trusting God (believe...just believe...) with the outcome.  

It hit me lately that I don't even know what the outcome is to be, and I'm becoming more comfortable with not knowing.  This situation will not last forever.  Another one will come where I will use these skills that have been honed in me.... where I will know that it is not about the outcome, it is about following God.  Then another will come, then another....

Am I still often failing at keeping my focus on Him instead of the outcome? Oh yeah!  Just when things seem to run a bit smoother in that department... WHAM!  I trip and fall.  However, I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again!  Am I often failing because I chase after something I think He is leading me to do, only to end up in a mess?  Heck yeah!  Kind of gets down right discouraging at times!
  
Something I just wrote about in a few recent articles come to mind.  My own words are coming back to encourage me.  Those words are "I am the righteousness of Christ."  I have to believe that.  If I don't, then I start feeling condemned and discouraged.  

Am I going down the right path in my choices?  I don't know.  Is my purpose helping others in relationships?  I don't know.Will I ever know what my purpose is?  I don't know... but I think I will.  What will that Garden of Gethsemane look like?  I don't know.  It seems like I've been through it a trillion times.  

How much worse will the real one that shows me my purpose be like?  I feel like I've been going through it with recent decisions that are leaving me lost and alone, afraid to let go but desperately wanting to.  Thinking I've let go only to find I've grabbed on again.  

I have to believe that I am getting closer and the thought is exciting, exhilerating, and terrifying all at once!  Yes indeed.... Life is a beautiful mess!

Well, tata for now!  Until next time.... believe..... just believe.....  You are the righteousness of Christ...