I Have the Righteousness of Christ...

This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile.  Romans 3:22 NIV

In another bible version: Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.  Romans 3:22 The Message

Yesterday I was listening to a tv pastor, Creflo Dollar, as I got ready for work.  He said something that really resonated in my spirit.  You have to BELIEVE that you are are righteous... that it is in you... that HE put it in you.  It is not anything that you can do that makes you righteous.... it's just in you when you accept Christ as your saviour.  

You ARE good....  As long as you focus on your sins, on your failures, then you will walk around feeling condemned and defeated.  You HAVE to focus on the fact that you are good because He is in you.  Easy peasy.... right....?


Man, do I ever understand that this is a difficult concept but this morning (here's my favorite phrase lately) I feel I got a glimpse of what that is.  I was lying in bed feeling uncertain and anxious about a step that I had taken yesterday. Should I of have.... shouldn't I of have....  Then my thoughts went to "You have NOT been a good friend lately" and my spirit sunk even lower.

As I lay there I thought "I am so sick of feeling uncertain.  I started repeating the phrases "I am the righteousness of Christ.  I am a good person." over and over.  After a bit I felt this strength flow thru me, this knowing that it was true.  It's not because of me.  It's because He is in me.  He knows how much I want to do the right thing but I don't trust myself, my fleshly desires, so I question all that I do.

As this strength flowed thru me I literally felt myself standing up on the inside and looking at the situation from yesterday.  Yes, my flesh has some desires in this area and cloud my vision once in a while.  Yes, I had a bit of self interest in doing what I did yesterday.  But I also realized that I DO have good intentions where this subject is concerned.  I DO truly want to be a blessing to others.  As this understanding hit me, I realized that was the core reason for doing what I did.  I had pictured, as I often do, that it was my own self interest that was at the core.  

I am constantly praying that God reveal to me if I am doing something for selfish motives.  I am constantly second guessing myself.  I am TIRED of it! TIRED of feeling selfish and inadequate!  What I saw this morning was that I DO have a pure motive.  Yes, bits of self interest are still floating around the outside of this strong center, but I'm human.  I need to focus on the truth and not that nasty ole flesh buzzing around me like a pesky fly trying to land on my sandwich!

I, as usual, even questioned myself about this understanding.  Am I deceiving myself.  So I turned my thoughts to my friends.  Instances floated thru my head where, just recently, I HAD been a good friend to them.  I AM a good friend. 

 But this strength in me also honestly pointed out "Yes, you have been a little unfocused with them lately, a little self absorbed, but you are human.   You recognize this so focus on THEM and not yourself next time you are with them.  It happens...." My focus has been on this other topic, and I've let other things blur out to the side.

As I'm speaking, maybe my focus WAS to be on this other thing for a bit.  Instead of feeling guilt and trying to force myself NOT to focus on this topic, I hesitantly let things flow.  I went along for the ride instead of constantly pulling the emergency break... instead of being so afraid of making a mistake that I turned tail and run.  Instead of constantly questioning my own motives I had begun to pray "God, make my heart right.  God, make my heart right." as I went forward.

If I had not done that, if I had listened to ALL my friends instead of the nudging of the Holy Spirit, I would not have reached this level of trusting God.  I have started to trusted Him so much more, but one HUGE area I don't trust Him with is me... with my intentions.  It's almost like I can't even see.... I can't believe.... that He can't be trusted to make my intentions pure. 

 I have been trying to do it myself.  I have been focusing too much on where I am missing the mark.  I am so focused on looking at my feet, at where my "sin so easily entangles me", instead of looking ahead to what He is calling me to.

You might say "I don't even know how to recognize what He is calling me to!"  GRRRRLL!  Let me tell YOU!  I have eaten, lived and breathed feeling that way.  The frustration that sets in is HORRIBLE!  But... listen to me now.... I have only started to be able to recognize what could be God nudges, what He is calling me to (which is just the next step; I don't see the whole picture EVER!)... I have only started to recognized what could be Him by being willing to fail.

Yes, we women hate that word fail.  We Christian women think it means sin.  Think it means we will trash up God's whole plan if we fail.  However, I firmly believe that you CANNOT become more in tune with God's voice until you are willing to take chances.  

Until you are willing to let go of what you have always thought was true and be willing to consider that the nudges you feel inside of you COULD be from God.  Of course you want to cover everything in prayer before you step out.  Of course what you are feeling is God will not go against scripture.  You will KNOW that if you feel a nudge to steal that car, it is not from God.  Plain and simple.

However, often even the way we have been taught scripture hinders us.  We have to be willing to realize that we may have it totally wrong.  Since I have started typing this blog I notice that scripture just pops out of me to support the point I am trying to make.  A few days ago it hit me that is how it is with everyone who is walking with Christ.  He will bring scripture out of you to help show you that you are on the right path. That means that scripture is personal.  It is how he talks personally to each one of us.

Someone could be writing a blog about deep sea fishing and God can use the same verses He brings to my mind for us women, to this fisherman.  These verses help me to get my point across to you about my walk with Him.  Those same verses can be used by a fisherman, if God brings them to his mind, to get his point across about his passion for fishing, for manliness, for adventure...  Do you get the point I am making here?

Don't let someone else be the go between with you and God.  Yes, it is wise to seek Godly counsel, especially when you are a new Christian.  But take all advice you get to God in prayer.  Don't assume that you are not wise enough or spiritual enough to hear God.  

If I am friends with you, but I always let our friend Nancy guide our relationship, determine what we should and shouldn't do together, than I am hindering our friendship.  I have to take the risk to say "Hey, do you wanna ____?"  (you fill in the blank: go eat, go to Paris, go fishing, sign up for a class, etc.)  If you miss the mark and your friend says "Don't you know me at all??  Don't you know that I hate to do that???", just look at it as a learning lesson.  You can say "You are right... I'm sorry that I hadn't recognized that about you."  And you go forward in the friendship, hopefully focusing a bit more on your friend and her likes.  You don't hate yourself because you messed up.  You don't throw the friendship away thinking you're never gonna get it right.   You learn from it.

I hope this blog helps someone, someday, break the bondage of doubt... of doubting that you are righteous.. of doubting that you are good, kind, smart, funny, spiritual and beautiful.  You are all that and so much more.  Believe.... just believe....



 

Unclogging my drain...

 "Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 niv

 "Jesus looked hard at them and said, “No chance at all if you think you can pull it off yourself. Every chance in the world if you trust God to do it.” Matthew 19:26 msg

Tho this may sound frustrating and defeating, it is actually a wonderful tid bit of encouragement.... a promise from God.    

You see, to me, this is saying that He knows I cannot do this on my own.  It is not my job to grunt, strain, groan and mentally whip myself to pieces.  I feel it is my responsibility, my JOY, to just relax into Him, trusting that He will do it in His time.  This is all on your real God journey.... the journey to trusting Him.

*Dr. Dan has shared with Freeing Me class his belief that our experiences in life have built up a huge layer of gunk (I think that's a technical term... haha) between our mind and our spirit.  Our mind's primary job is to protect us.  It tends to over ride everything until God can "unclog our drain."  

God knows that we have that gunk build up, and His Holy Spirit is the plumber.  HE is the expert, not us so we can relax with a cup of coffee, just following Him the best that we can, and one of these days, the experiences that He allows us to have, the good AND bad, will be used to slowly unclog that drain.  I had one of those experiences today...

Yesterday I got confronted by my boss.  I was technically not guilty of what he had claimed I had done, so everything else conveniently faded to the back of my mind.  He came to me and said "Tell me you did not post on FaceBook at 11:30 this morning. (while I'm at work)  My wife said you posted a picture or something on there at that time."  I genuinely was perplexed and quickly checked my FaceBook page and reported to him that the only post I had made was more like 12:30, which was my lunch hour.

That evening I went home after work and checked my FB activity.  Lo and behold, I found in my list that I had "liked" one of her comments.  When you do that, it sends an email to that person with the time that you "liked" it.... 10:50 a.m.  Oh... my..... goodness....  I felt sick to my stomach.  I felt guilt. I felt fear.  You name it, I felt it.  And what I also felt was that I only felt this way because I'd been caught.  It wasn't repentance I was feeling (which is a conviction from God that prompts you to not want to do this again because you know it is not walking in integrity.)  I was feeling upset because I got caught..... not the same thing.

In developing a closer relationship with God, I've begun to recognize these things in me and just be honest.  I told Him this morning "My heart is not right in this.  Please make it right.  I don't like feeling like this.  I don't like BEING like this!"   

As I talked to Him, things began to unfold in me.  I started thinking about how Dr. Dan prompted us more than 6 months ago, and again in a recent class, to strive for excellence in all that we do... especially in our jobs.  This is where we will lay a foundation for enabling others to develop respect for us.  Well, as usual, I didn't "get it".  I would try a little here and there but quickly fell back into the same pattern of doing well, but not striving for excellence.  

Now, when Dr. Dan said excellence, he stressed that he did not mean perfection.  He said that we were to do the best that we can; that is our own personal excellence.  I have not been doing that by a long shot.  As I'm typing this, I am realizing that, for me, I could substitute the word "integrity", for excellence.  

I'm gonna give a little side note here: There is this one thing about me that I should share.  I tend to resist certain words that make me feel pressured, so I substitute a word that means the same thing to me, but feels like an encouragement instead of a noose around my neck.  

For me, finding the right word or phrase is what helps set me up for failure or success.  In this case, the word excellence gives me a picture of... hmmm... biblical law? Do it perfect or be punished?  On the other hand, the word integrity gives me a picture of grace; of "just do the best that you can, honey.  I believe in you.  I know you have it in you."  Ok... so I get carried away, but I DO love words!   You are unique so you choose what works for you.

This morning, underneath all the grumblings of guilt and fear of saving my own hiney, I felt a stirring of... belief.  It also helped that I had just been reading "The Power of a Woman's Words" by Sharon Jaynes and she was talking about how we cannot control our tongues in our flesh, but the Holy Spirit can do it in us.  I felt this light start to slowly dawn in me.  

I cannot be excellent/have integrity by my own power and might, but if I could just BELIEVE that the Holy Spirit is doing it thru me, then maybe, just maybe, there is hope for me.  I haven't even been able to stir up the enthusiasm for being excellent, but if I could just believe that it is already in me, thru the Holy Spirit, then it CAN happen! Then (imagine me looking down like a chastised little girl, my hands behind my back, drawing pictures in the dust with my toe so I don't have to look in the disciplinarians face) I said "God, could you give me another chance at work...?"

My mind drifted to how I cannot seem to stick with a diet.  Well, if the Holy Spirit could somehow enable me to BELIEVE that He can do it in me, then SURELY it will be done!  Uh... that's a subject for another time tho... heehee.  

My thoughts then turned to how others might see me in an even better light if I could corral my words, my attitude, AND become excellent in all that I undertake: especially at being a wife and mother.  Suddenly the truth hit me... for the first time EVER!  It is not about pleasing others..., a committe, a friend, a child, about keeping my job, or about looking good.  It is about pleasing God!  (When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. Proverbs 16:7)  

Yes, I know the verse "work as unto the Lord." Colossians 3:23.  Or as the Message version puts it  "Servants, do what you’re told by your earthly masters. And don’t just do the minimum that will get you by. Do your best. Work from the heart for your real Master, for God, confident that you’ll get paid in full when you come into your inheritance. Keep in mind always that the ultimate Master you’re serving is Christ. The sullen servant who does shoddy work will be held responsible. Being a follower of Jesus doesn’t cover up bad work."  But, like with everything else in my life, I just didn't GET it.  My focus has always been, even when I don't realize it, on pleasing others.

Suddenly I don't feel the fear of losing my job.  I am enthused with suddenly having another chunk of "gunk" clear out of my drain!  I then stopped and said "God, you know I have these sudden bursts of enthusiasm ALOT, especially for diets, then it quickly dies away and I am back to where or I started or even worse.  What then came to me was the opening line of this post.  To believe or not believe, that is the question.

Girls, the Holy Spirit has just been opening my eyes so much lately to the basic foundation of this God journey.  As you are hearing me say more and more, it is not about ANYTHING that I can do.  It is not about ANYTHING I can manufacture up.  It's all about what HE can do in us... it's about trust.  Trusting, having faith....

He has unclogged a huge portion of that junk that prevented me from understanding this simplistic foundation.  We must come as little children... we must believe as little children do.  That NOTHING is impossible.  We must believe as we did before life convinced us that everything was so complicated.  That WE had to be the one to do something or it wouldn't get done.  “Let these children alone. Don’t get between them and me. These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in.”Luke 18:16-17

We have turned something so simple, faith, into this horribly hard thing we have to strive to attain.  It is NOT us that will do it in us.  It is God.  Believe.... simply believe.....


*I take classes from a man I call Dr. Dan, and you will run across his name in my posts occasionally.  He is a counselor, but not just any counselor.  I believe that he has a very strong calling from God in his life to tap into the Holy Spirit, and not lean on his own understanding, to help people heal.  He also seems to have a tender spot for encouraging broken, wounded women back onto their feet on focusing on what created them to be... who they really are.... something that almost all women have forgotten.  

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest (wo)men.... Willie Wonka

Oh WoW! Oh WoW!  Ever have one of those days where you feel like your mind is running a mile a minute!  I'm having one today.  What is it that Willie Wonka said?.. "So much time and so little to do.  Scratch that; reverse it."  (LOVE that movie!)

As I'm thinking these thoughts, it is like a mini hurricane is going on in my head.  Over the last few days, idea after idea of blog posts are pinging around in my brain. I have already started a few and will post  after this.

Also, opportunity after opportunity seems to be appearing on the horizon.  It is suddenly like God opened the flood gates and bounty galore is pouring down!  Have you read the verse Malachi 3:10"......prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it."  That is what it feels like lately; like there is not room enough to receive it and I am just BURSTING with possibilities, understanding and blessings!  

Is it because I am such a wise, obedient, correct Church lady?  I would have to say no... well, if I'm honest, I would have to shout NO!!!.  It's because of nothing I have done other than to seek His love, to seek out who He is.  

Oh yes, I originally started out by trying to follow all of the rules that we are taught by religion.  "Don't do this but DO do that.."  sigh.... I can't tell you how lost, confused and down right terror ridden that I became.  It went so far as to cause emotional and mental confusion to such an extent that it forced a hospital stay and several years of recovery.  I am still recovering in some ways.

During my healing process,  I finally started to shrug off doing things just because I SHOULD and started being honest with God by saying, "My heart doesn't feel this is wrong" or "My heart does not want to do this tho you said I should".  I then felt a load come off my shoulders.  AND, surprise, surprise.... my world did not fall apart; it actually began coming together for the first time in my life.   

Curses, plaques and locusts did not rain down on me.  Instead, I realized that I could trust God with my truth....  truth that I hid even from myself.  I could be honest with Him about everything and His shoulders were broad enough to take it.  His love and His grace was deep enough to absorb it ALL and in return, He would tenderly polish the teensy little seed of truth I had in there; that He had planted in there from the beginning of time.  He would polish it, nourish it, cuddle it, and coax it to blossom into HIS truth.

His love replaced the distrust and darkness that was in me.  He traded "beauty for ashes" Isaiah 61:3.  HE did it, not me.  I have quit trying to fix myself and gently confide in Him "it's not going to change if You don't change it.  I can't keep feeling guilty and like a failure because I do this thing that is not your best for my life." 

I quit focusing on what I can't do, and start focusing on what I can do... on where I want to go in life.  Dr. Dan says that this is the .... error in thinking.... that the church has.  It points out how you are failing instead of pointing you to finding out WHO Christ created you to be.  You are unique; you are not a "stepford wife Christian."  You are one of a kind.  

As I said, I now try to be forward focused.  My past does not define me.  My mistakes do not define me. My lack does not define me.  Christ defines me.  My job is to discover who I am.  What values are truly mine, given by God to create me in my uniqueness, and what values are man made, or are made from my experiences.  We'll talk more about this later.  

Anyway, after time passes, in most cases, I look back and see WOW! the amazing work He has done on me.  The process will take a life time but HE does the work.  My part is just asking Him to bring me to the point of being willing to change, or being willing to let go of everything, even the things I really REALLY want... like a husband.  He doesn't want me to hand those things over because He wants to deprive me.  He is saying "Let me have those fake pearls so that I can give you these real ones I have for you.  Trust me...."

My part is also to ask Him to help me to understand where He is leading me, and to try to follow Him the best I can.  I am only responsible for responding to what I sense He is telling me.  HE is responsible for any outcomes, not me.  Often, it won't make sense by my worldly standards.

 Remember the verse "My way's are higher than your ways" or as The Message version puts it "“I don’t think the way you think.  The way you work isn’t the way I work.”God’s Decree.“For as the sky soars high above earth so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think".  

This process of following Him, not knowing where I am going an not even WHY I am going,  is building a trust in me. Eventually I start seeing things thru my spiritual eyes.  That is when things normally start to make sense.  Often I start to see the work He is doing in me, as well as in others whose paths I intersect with. This whole process is trial and error.  You start to recognize His leading normally only by allowing yourself to make mistakes, to fail.

As I've said, this is ALL part of His working to gain my trust.  I can't just manufacture trust in Him.  He knows the wounds I've suffered in life that have caused a natural mistrust in me. He knows the world I've been raised in and how it's thinking SO does not line up with HIS thinking.  But until I can let go of what I THINK is true, and allow Him to lead me on some really out there adventures, then I can't really know WHO He is.... or who He made me to be.  This is building the foundation  of His relationship with me... the building of trust. 

Yes, I am learning to be forward focused.  I look at the person I know He created me to be... His word says it.... Galations 5:22-23²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control."     The Message version says "He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

 I am learning to TRUST Him that those fruits, those qualities, are in me, despite what my worldly eyes sees coming out of me.  I tell Him "My heart is not exactly right in this situation but I have to focus on what I believe you are telling me to do, and trust YOU to make my heart right.  I can't let those little bad thoughts and emotions distract me.  YOU take care of it, God..." 

 Remember, fruit trees don't spring into full fledged orchards over night.  It is a process... a long process.....  Your fruit will take your whole life time to come to maturation.  And you don't see the fruit trees grunting and straining to produce the fruit, and whipping themselves when they can't make it happen.  I like to think it is because their focus is so much on watching God and seeing what He is doing, that they don't even notice that they themselves are growing just by learning who He is.  (I know, fruit trees can't think but bear with me here.  I'm making a point!)


No, the growth and blessings that are happening in my life right now are not of my effort.  Oh yes, for my part, I seek Him out often.  I go to the lake most mornings, even if I have to leave my car running with the heat or air on, and I spend time journalling, talking to Him, singing praise songs.  But you know what.... 

As I'm writing what is coming to me is that I am the one who reaps the benefits from this time.  Yes, He ADORES spending time with me.  What is a relationship if only one party is chasing the other around?  My most precious friendships are the ones that I take time to contact regularly by phone, text, email, facebook and mainly, in person.  The benefits are, when I spend time with God, I come away feeling renewed, refreshed and excited for what He has in store today. 

It is then that I sometimes will have a "revelation" into yet another aspect of His personality or what He adventure He would like me to join Him on.  Often tho, He will continue to "talk" to me long after I have turned my attention to my busy day.  I will hear a random comment from someone, or a random thought will float thru my head, that will make me think "AH HA!  Is that YOU God??"  And it will be something that I will go to Him and discuss/pray over.

I happen to think that so many wonderful things are happening right now because FINALLY trust, faith, believing, is being strengthened in me.  These things, the heart knowledge, the blessings, were all waiting for me all along I just couldn't believe that I "deserved them."  Uh... God is not keeping score.  But how can we even know to reach for the blessings He is handing us if we can't even believe... trust... have faith in... He wants to give them to us.  

What would life be like... what would you do.... if you did not put any limits on God, on what He can do? What if you could trust in things that appeared to be pure nonsense?... Believe, simply believe....

Well, I started this post with a few quotes from the amazing Willie Wonka, and I have another that is a fitting way to end it:
 

Willy Wonka: [singing] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be. 

If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.....

I Am Who I Am

“That longing in the heart of a woman to share life together as a great adventure- that comes straight from the heart of God, who also longs for this. He does not want to be an option in our lives. He does not want to be an appendage, a tagalong. Neither does any woman. God is essential. He wants us to need him-desperately. Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play. And so you'll see that women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place”
― Stasi Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

   I have become aware of a secret shame...  There is a desire that I knew made me feel uneasy and inadequate, but I didn't quite have a grasp on the fact that that uneasy feeling was shame. 

I am feeling that shame  because of this desire that I have; a desire that so many Christians tell me is not necessary in my life.... They almost act like I'm pathetic for having it, which makes me feel.... "less than". 

My desire is to have a special man in my life.  I'd say I want a husband, but the truth is, I can't yet see making that leap to being a wife, I just feel that it would be the ultimate destination.  I see first getting to know someone as my best friend, and see where things head. 

And yes, I do want the intimacy that God created for marriage, but more than anything, I want to share this adventure... this life.... this journey that God has me on, with someone that can get real, get deep and get intimate with me on a level that no one but a husband can.

As I read the words that Staci Eldredge wrote, many thoughts come to me.  The first one being "Hurray!  I am NOT some weak, pathethic, man seeking, old crone!  It is NORMAL to have this desire!  This desire to share this great life adventure with a man....  Another thought is "YES! I want to feel ESSENTIAL to the man in my life, and NOT just as his appendage, his tagalong, his maid."

I know that may sound strange, but I have been praying for a few years now that God would bring me a man who is "Jesus with skin on."  That prayer has gradually turned into asking Him to mold ME into "Jesus with skin on."  What does that mean?  Glad you asked.... 

I have felt SUCH a longing to be able to spend my life with Jesus; sharing this exciting adventure with Jesus.  However, I ALSO want a man who is here... in flesh and blood....  Yes, I know that Jesus is all those things, but I still long for it to be in the form of a flesh and blood man here on earth.  So I started to ask Him to send me a man who was just like Jesus, only with "skin on".  Make sense?  Kinda goofy I know, but I'm being authentic here...  Don't judge me... : D

I started slowly realizing that I want to give to that potential mate what I want to get from him, so I started praying that I would be molded into "Jesus with skin on."  In case you get the wrong picture here I need to let you know that I don't want to change just for a man, though.

 I want to make everyone I come into contact with, especially my children, family and friends, to feel so unconditionally loved and accepted that they would catch a glimpse of who Christ truly is.  And, if I'm being honest with myself, I want to feel completely at peace with myself.. ok with myself... and, for me, that only comes from coming to know who I was created to be;  not who society, my friends, books or even the church says I should be.

I was not made to be the cookie cutter image of a trillion other women.  I am "....fearfully and wonderfully made... psalm 139:14.  I am unique... one of a kind.  God created me, my personality, my life situations, my family, etc.  He had a reason for ALL of this.  EVERYTHING - the good and the bad- that has happened to me has helped to mold me into the person He created me to be. 

Who is that woman?  I'm on the journey to finding out.  Some things I'm finally admitting to, without feeling like a failure, is: I  don't have a love of cooking, I am a dreamer, I am not the best house keeper even tho I love order.  I get cranky.  I use humor too much.  (Is such a thing possible, haha!)  I LOVE developing friendships, yet I prefer gatherings on a small scale. I love knowledge and trying to figure out what makes someone tick.  I am shy around some people and not around others.  I hate confrontation yet I hate being run over.  I like to have friends who we can bounce ideas/beliefs off of each other, yet can respect each others differences.  You get the picture.

When I try to be someone I am not, then I am not at peace, not content.  That is the story of my life.  I always tried to be who I thought I should be, who others wanted me to be.  I was NEVER at peace.  Finally, at 47 years of age, I am finally grasping this concept. 

Yes, I know that with age comes wisdom, but my hope is that some day, all women will grow up grasping this concept from childhood.  Sounds impossible, but then again, nothing is impossible with God.  Through this learning process, I also have to learn to extend the same respect to others: discover how to let them be who they are, and THAT is often not easy.

This is not the avenue that I was going to take on today's blog entry when I started with Staci's quote, but then again, that is who I am: random, rambling, daydreaming, flitting, thought chaser..... I am who I am.  Isn't that great! : D

Amazing Love.....



      http://vimeo.com/51565514

After watching the video above (see link), the only thing I can say is "Amazing Love".... 

I saw this video a few days ago and it brought me, and the room full of ladies that I was with, to tears.  I am in a class with approximately 14 other women; a class that is focused on enabling us to heal from the wounding that life has dealt to us; a class that is to enable us to see thru all of the crud and junk to come to know who we are... who God created us to be.  It is only thru that healing, and with the knowledge that we acquire, that we can reach out to come along side other women on this difficult journey called life.

Watch the video then come back to read the rest of this.....

The power of this video sooo touches my heart.  I have felt that all of the horrible things that have happened in life, whether by my actions or others, have come between me and who I really am... between me and Jesus.  I have let myself buy into the lie that  I am is damaged goods.  How could I ever get back to that pure, joy filled, innocent little girl that I once was....

I have also felt... even just this week... like I am the girl in the video who is fighting, kicking, screaming to get thru all of those demons back to Jesus, back to a place that I can't even remember... perfect peace....  And this week I have had a taste of it.... finally....  And it is glorious.....  It's home.....

As this video portrays near the end, my beloved Jesus is holding back, fighting with and finally destroying those demons that always seem to be scratching at the edge of my consciousness with whispered humiliating memories... "remember when you did this..."   "remember when that person did that to you...."  "how can you ever trust others... how can you trust YOURSELF... again"  "you are too fat"... "you are worthless".... "you will never be happy"...."no one will EVER love you"... and so on and so on.....

Last weekend I had the most heart wrenching thing happen.  I found out that an opportunity I have wanted for a long long time had been entirely possible for me, if I would just have believed it.  However, now, it appears that the opportunity could be forever lost.  The day after I found out, I felt grief, regret and wondered if I was being punished.  I allowed myself a day to wallow and the next morning awoke with life looking a bit brighter.

While in conversation with God,  ideas began going "pop" "pop" in my brain. I started journalling and, ladies let me tell you, revelations, epiphanies, what ever you want to call them, seemed to start exploding in my spirit!  It was like so many truths that I have heard others talk about, suddenly became truth, became real, to me.

This week the truth of what faith really is, started finally opening up to me; the truth of what it means to love someone with God's love, a love that is more concerned with giving than getting, which is a glimpse of how God loves us; the truth of what it feels like to truly let go of something you want with all your heart; and the truth of being "others focused" instead of self focused.  It has been amazing.

Let me tell you all, there is nothing like getting a glimpse of how amazing God's love truly is!  I have now had a taste of what it really looks like to be totally consumed with love by Jesus and I want more!

I wish it was something that I could just take out of my heart heart and transplant into yours!  Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, that is a journey that I cannot take for you no, matter how much I share with you what I am learning.  I say fortunately because, tho it can be sooo painful at times, it is soooooooo worth it! 

I have to bring this post to a close, but I can't wait to get back and share more with you!

Hugs!

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain is Gone.... Well, for the moment....

“Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace."  Matthew 6:6 The Message Version

I read several chapters in Thesselonians today;  I did not take the time to chew on each word, but instead, read it like a book... reading straight thru.  I heard this suggestion recently by a speaker on Wayne Jacobsen's podcast.  I am a person who has been, for the past several years, only given to reading the Bible in fits and spurts.  It does not hold my attention and I am put off by it because I have been reading it with an eye that seems to latch on to rules, rules, rules and how I am failing.

I have been taking a break from my church and attending another, for the last three weeks.  I've noticed in the past week or so that I am drawn to reading the Bible, this time with an eye to seeing it as a story and an unfolding of God's personality, not as a rule book.

I believe that there is power in the word.  If I read the Bible, for now, as a story, then God's spirit will give it life and breath.  Today while reading, it was almost like I caught a glimpse thru the clouds of something; Of a truth that I have heard preached but was never able to grasp.

It was, for the first time for me, an ability to see what it means to focus on God, instead of on the things of this world.  I have always had a large part of my focus on finding "true love".  The most recent object of my affection has been a guy that seems to truly have a heart for God, but there has always been a..... blurriness (?), a sense of.... confusion.... where he is concerned. 

My point is that my focus is too much on him.  In drawing away from things that are familiar, to give myself time to get past this and maybe hear direction from God, I have been questioning myself so much.  But today... seeing that glimpse of what it might look like to focus on God without the distraction of a guy, was rather appealing.

Hmmmm..... I hope that I continue to get insight as to what it means to have God as my focus and not something or someone else.  Yesterday in church the pastor said "If you give into temptation, if you return to old sins after coming to Christ, what you are doing is taking Christ off the throne and putting that sin on the throne."  In other words, he was saying that we are making that sin an idol.

I have been asking God, over the last year or so, exactly what IS idolatry.  I know it from a head knowledge, and I feel resistance to even considering I might have idols in my life.  However, yesterday it clicked for me.  Finding earthly love with a man could be an idol.... and food.  It's not that these things are not good, but when it becomes something that consumes our thoughts and lives to where we feel frustration, confusion and depression as a result of these things, maybe it's time to ask God to walk thru this with us and show us the way out of the bondage.  That doesn't mean that He will ask us to throw away everything good in our lives like so many "diets" do.  He's just asking us to use wisdom and moderation.

How many of you have fallen in love, only to become someone who is consumed with the thought of that person; consumed to the point where you feel inadequate, frustrated and so NOT at peace?  If our focus is first on God, and we find our value in Him, then we will take soooo much pressure off of ourselves and our guy.  Won't that right there be a foundation for a stronger, healthier relationship?

I've seen women write about how God asked them to take just one year off from dating and how it totally changed them and their relationship with God.  It changed them to the point where they are perfectly content to not have a man in their life.  Someone else said  when you enter into marriage, some of God's grace is removed from your life so that you two can work thru things together.  However, another said she asked God if He would become more distant if she married.  His answer to her was that He would be just as close as she and her husband would allow Him to be.  That is a comforting thought...

Now, I don't know if God is asking me to take a year off of thinking about guys.  If He is, then I must have my fingers in my spiritual ears because I don't hear it... Hahaha!  Fact is, I haven't met anyone that I am interested in dating, except that one guy, and I discovered that he is unavailable.  Maybe I don't need to hear God concerning this dating.... Maybe He, like a loving, concerned parent, is leaning up against that door, temporarily keeping it shoved closed for my protection AND my future guy's protection!

For so many years I have heard that God wants us to reach the point where we crave Him over any other guy, to the point where we don't even feel the WANT for an earthly guy.  I just never could seem to "get it". 

As long as I can remember, there has always been some man that is in my mind and heart.  Remember those teenage day dreams of your latest famous heart throb?! Oh how I loved Elvis Presley.... Rob Lowe.... Matt Dillon.... The Bee Gee's... sigh.... Lately tho, I have felt moments of what it is like to not have a man in my romantic thoughts.  At times, it feels a little empty because I have never had that void.  However, THEN is when I turn my focus to God and allow Him to fill that space.  Then the peace and contentment flow in.  Despite my former doubts, I think I'm gonna like this part of the journey......


"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." Ephesians 5:2 The Message

I don't know about you but, in all relationships, I am tired of getting frustrated and discontent.  It always happens.  Someone is not treating me right; they aren't filling my expectations; they get on my nerves from time to time and THEY need to change.... blah blah BLAH!  I'm tired of being that way.  It's time for a change...  it's time for a shift in focus... a shift in focus from doing things my way and studying God's ways. 

I also have to be careful that my giving does not ultimately stem from a secret desire to get.  As in all things, I cannot do this in myself.  I have been fasting and praying lately, asking God to heal my heart, give me direction, and guide my steps.  I don't give just to make someone notice me, think better of me, etc.  That is not how God gives.  Mostly what He does is love us.  He doesn't love in order to get but give everything of Himself....  I want to learn to love like that... 

"It's not what's happening to you now or what has happened in your past that determines who you become.  Rather, it's your decisions about what to focus on, what things mean to you, and what you're going to do about them that will determine your ultimate destiny." Anthony Robbins


                            
"So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it."  Phillipians 3:15

We All Fall Down

“Your daughter is a child in need of a parent. She needs to be taught. And some of your best teaching opportunities will come when she puts her sin nature on display. Don’t fear or fret or feel like this is some sort of failure on your part. Her outside demonstrations are an internal indication of her need for guidance. So guide her. Love her...” Excerpt from devotional by Lysa Terkeurst at Proverbs 31 Ministries

Lysa was writing about a part of her journey in discovering her identity as a mom.  Her angelic daughter had turned into a little... uh.... not so angel in public.  However, as soon as I read these words I had a totally different thought. 

My thought in reading this was immediately "That is how God see's life with us...."  Hmmm....  We worry so much about "getting it right."  We fret over making a mistake or failing.  Or at least that is the pit that I have lived in for the past 9 years. 

While praying a few years ago, I seemed to sense God was saying "Take a risk..."  What??  That couldn't be God!  Then I started getting little confirmations:  While reading I would run across things about taking a risk, and my counselor even started saying "You need to start making some mistakes; You need to try and fail."  He actually said he would cheer big if I came to him with a story of a HUGE failure!  So I started taking risks, and yes I failed, sometimes BIG!  And yes, usually it hurt, sometimes BIG!  Revelation: I don't enjoy failing!

As I'm typing this, what comes to me is that I don't necessarily need to see those things as failures.  They were learning lessons that gave God the opportunity to teach me.  You see, instead of doing something wrong, I think I was really doing something right.  These failings were not deliberate sin: that's not what I am saying.  In all things I pray before I step out, and I continue praying, asking Him to block my way if it is not of him.  Ummmm...... sometimes I keep on going, even when a door does not appear to be opening in the way that could be indicating that this is God doing it.  However, I am still learning to try to recognize and identify when it is God.  I am learning all thru the process because I continually am asking Him "Where are you in this God?  How do I follow you in this situation? Why is this so hard?  This seems too easy? Give me wisdom, etc."...

Oh Wow!  As I was finishing the paragraph above, this verse came to mind:
Proverbs 3:6 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. New King James version

So then I had to look it up in other versions.  I loved The Message Version:

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all.  Message version

I had never really gotten it before.  I knew, logically, what it meant, but I didn't get it with my heart, until just this minute.  I've heard a lot of teaching on how this walk with God is based on trust and that you have to stop trying to figure out things. 

 Hmmm.... so does that mean you just quit thinking altogether?!  I don't know how to do that.  I've also heard "just be obedient", "just do what He tells you to", etc.  I've often mused "Okaaaaay... but what if I'm not hearing Him tell me to do anything, no matter how hard I pray...?"  THAT is where the opening quote from this blog entry comes into play for me.

I can see God saying "Some of My best teaching opportunities will come when Sheila puts her sin nature on display."   

I believe when we step out in faith.... in other words when we take risks..... these are some of his best teaching opportunities.  These are experiences God uses to teach us how to hear from Him.  I have started to learn how to take an internal pause (much like a hunting dog suddenly stopping and being on point!) to try to sense anything down in my spirit.  

In my earlier days, due to uncertainty and fear of doing the wrong thing, I just felt a lot of unease in my spirit about everything, so I really couldn't get a feel for anything.  Now, through experience, I am starting to get a teensy more comfortable with pausing, then moving forward if I don't feel a need to hesitate. Also, if I feel the need to do something just because I "should", I often take more time to ponder over it instead of just jumping right in to do it.


We as Christians often come to believe that it is our duty to fill every need in front of us.... WRONG!  I think that the mere fact that we are Christians who really have a heart for God, who really want to do the right thing, is a great starting point.  

I have stopped, for the most part, doing things because I should.  I, of course, pray over the situation and since I don't normally hear God saying "Yes or No", if I really don't want to do it, I don't.  BUT I usually try to direct them to someone who can, if possible.  Over time, as I am being freed of the shackles of obligation, of thinking I need to fix it all, then I feel that I am able to sense God a little better in what He might want me to do. 

I have heard and agree that  "God's biggest desire is for us to first and foremost to have a relationship with HIM.  THAT is our purpose."  Instead of worrying what God's will is for us, what our purpose is, am I where He wants me be.", just rest assured.... His will, His purpose, the place we should be, is forming a relationship with Him.  

It is out of that relationship with Him, not doing things for Him, that we start to grow.  Once we start to mature in knowing who He is, in sensing what He is putting on our hearts, THEN we will start to see fruit flowing out of our lives.  THEN we will start to see how He is allowing us to come alongside Him and work WITH Him in other's lives.  So let's start waking up each morning with excited anticipation of seeing our bridegroom and asking Him "Show me how you love me today, my beloved.... Show me how to walk in that love...."
                                     


You could fall flat on your face as easily as anyone else. Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 1 Corinthians 10:12 The Message Version